I have been thinking about life as a canoe trip upriver. In this trip, it is much easier to travel with a compatible partner. Your strengths and weaknesses balance each other, and actually make the trip easier and more enjoyable. For the best progress, both of you must paddle. But each partner is allowed to rest a bit. When I rest, my partner has to work some of his/her weaknesses hard to make the canoe go straight. And one person will tire to the point of exhaustion if left to do all the work for too long. If one partner gets distracted, it can take some work to move the canoe along. They might be dragging their oar or moving here and there checking out other canoes. When the other is trying to move forward, it can become difficult.<BR> Many people think that once they are married, they can lean back and relax -- the work is over. But we know it has just begun. The work is a labor of love. Have you ever gone and done some physical labor, just to come in and feel like you have accomplished much with joy in your heart? That is what it is like. It can sometimes be monotonous, but never a drudgery while you have that partner to share it with.<BR> When the water is quick and rough, it requires BOTH to work hard. And then there are times when the water is smooth and quiet. But even then the water is not static, and if no one does anything, you are moving backward. We can also move in circles if we do not learn to work as a team.<BR>When I left my husband, I got out of his canoe. And since he was not paddling anyway, he went backward fast!!!! I still hear him calling me sometimes from back there. And it has taken me awhile to find my "kayak" again. But now, I am moving forward, and I must resist the temptation to try to wait for him or go and 'rescue' him from his situation. I must move forward or be caught in the rapids again. They can be deadly.

Very interesting. Thanks!<P>My H is the one jumping out of the canoe that I've been so determined to go up the narrow stream... without consulting him on where HE wants to go (poor navigation here).<P>So, now I sit in the canoe alone as he has one leg in and the other leg out... I'm just sitting waiting for him to decide where he wants to go (Plan A). Then I will examine it to see if it's the same place I want to go and we can come to some agreement.<P>But, at this point, he's SURE he wants out never to look back, yet he still has one leg in... at this point, I'm trying desparately to hold myself back from rescuing him because though we're portaged on a rock we're still in the rapids and at least IN THE canoe, we have some chance of protection... alone, well how strong of a swimmer are we/is he? <P>That's between he and God... not me. Meanwhile, I'm resting ready to canoe on my own ... thinking of ways to survive on my own.<P>------------------<BR>We cannot do everything at once... but we can do something at once

I like metaphors. I use them all the time, probably excessively.<P>In the canoe trip of my marriage, I admit I rocked the canoe quite a bit in the beginning. Didn't damage it, just made the trip a little less enjoyable. He knew I was a canoe rocker when he got in with me, though. It wasn't like I didn't tell him about all the canoes I'd rocked before!<P>Well, time passed and I matured. Didn't rock the canoe so much anymore, but boy did I ever get accused of it. No, couldn't have been the wind rocking the canoe, or the waves, or something stirring under the water ... once a canoe-rocker, always a canoe-rocker, or so I was convicted.<P>The more I tried to prove I wasn't rocking the canoe, the more adamant he became that I was. It got to the point where if the canoe wasn't rocking, he'd make it rock so he could blame it on me. It was so bad that I'd admit to being guilty of rocking the canoe just because there was no peace at all unless I did. I convinced myself that even though I knew I wasn't rocking the canoe and that he was, that it must be me doing it because he told me so. <P>But it didn't end there. Then he gets out the shotgun, and blows a hole in the bottom of the canoe. Tells me 'look at what YOU made ME do' and demands I patch it. My patch job isn't good enough, never is, so he blows two more holes in the bottom, blames me for it, and expects me to fix it. This goes on for what seems like forever until I realize that it will ALWAYS be 'my fault' that he is rocking or destroying the canoe, and that whatever I do will NEVER be good enough to fix the problem.<P>I am faced with two choices. Stay in the canoe and sink, or jump and try to swim.<P>I'm barely keeping my head above water, but across the waves I can still hear him yelling at me about the sinking canoe he's in.<P>At least whether I make it to shore is up to no one but me now.<P><BR>(Edited to add, as it could be mistranslated, by 'rocking the canoe' I mean I had a life independent of him, went out and had fun with friends, NOT using that as another way to put 'affair'!!)<p>[This message has been edited by T-L-C (edited May 04, 2001).]

wow, what a neat way to look at things; it's almost insperational. I will print this and think about it.<P>dani1962<P>

This canoe thing is giving me something to think about.<BR>My problem is my W does not recoqnize that she is rocking the canoe! I don't think that she is ready for the canoe!<BR>Dani1962<BR>

TLC - great story. I could empathize with you completely... I pray that God would sustain you as you lay back and float... let the stream carry you for a while instead of fighting... Man, great analogy about the shotgun... that is unbelievable!<P>------------------<BR>We cannot do everything at once... but we can do something at once

Okay....I'll add another wrinkle to the canoe metaphore....<P>Me and my H were in the canoe, both doing the work most of the time, paddling upstream. Both rocking the canoe once in a while. Both sitting back, at different times, for a rest.<P>Then H begins to get restless. Doesn't really get where the canoe is taking him and realizes that it's hard work to be going "nowhere" (as far as he can see). Begins to sit back more and more, but every time I look back to see him, he acts like he's paddling. When I turn my head forward again, he gets more and more restless and starts looking at the shore, the trees, the rocks, other streams....wondering where they will lead. Once in a while he voices his wonder outloud, but not seriously....more like just a passing thought. He never really suggest that we take a different route.<P>Then along comes another canoe....this one heading downstream! The person in the canoe doesn't seem to be doing any work at all....just sitting there enjoying the view, moving fast! H looks at this person a long time and thinks "wow, no work, easy ride..." and decides to jump "ships." (oops...mixed the metaphor!) Anyway, he jumps in the the OP canoe and WOW, it's great! <P>Then he begins to notice that the canoe he is in and the canoe he was in are far, far apart. It would take sooooo much work to try to swim upstream to get back in his old canoe, and that's even if he WANTED to....which he doesn't really think he does because this new canoe is so different, easy and doesn't require a darn thing from him.<P>So time goes by and the canoes get farther and farther apart and can't even really see each other anymore. Now it would be almost impossible for them to find each other.<P>Meanwhile, the canoe I'm in is going in circles from only me paddline, making me sick and finally runs ashore in a mess. I'm sick, dizzy and can't really tell where I am. I decide to get out of the canoe and fall on the shore, exhausted. It takes me many months to even get up on my knees, then up to my feet. I begin to forage in the woods for sustainance and shelter. I run across others who have been grounded and we talk. It helps, but it doesn't replace what the canoe trip was.<P>I finally decide to move away from the stream, settle on a hill, talk to God and let him heal me. I have to stop caring about my H and the other canoe. He isn't looking for or caring about what happened to me, so I make myself stop caring about him. I continue to visit with others who have had similar experiences (you guys) and it really helps. We draw strenght and love from each other, even in the midst of our pain.<P>And that is where I am today. Don't know if I'll ever get back in a canoe again, but if I do, I think I'll sit in the back next time!! HA!<P>Sorry that was long, but I LOVE metaphors and I've had a similar one to this (involving the ocean) for a while now.<P>Good thread!<BR>Aloha,<BR>Mrs.O<BR><p>[This message has been edited by Mrs.O (edited May 09, 2001).]