This isn't advice, but if I were in your shoes, Sisyphus, I would put the disks away and do what your minister suggested: wait and see.<P>Any pre-emptive use of those disks is likely to cause more harm than good, and I think you know that. Unless you are prone to impulsive acts of foolishness, I would think this knowledge would be a sufficient deterrent to the inappropriate use of those disks.<BR>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by RWD:<BR><B>If I remember, your x ... has a restraining order in place on you.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I keep having to see this one appear ... it's not the case. I put a sort of "mutual avoidance" paragraph into the marital settlement agreement. Just a mix of self-protection and heaping some humiliation on XW. The agreement <I>was</I> incorporated by reference into the final order, but there's not much there in the way of teeth...

<B>UPDATE:</B> GF has been made an offer she couldn't refuse. Staggering difference in earning potential, and her own bailiwick in a leading firm that didn't previously have capabilities in her subspecialty.<P>So she's going to be in in same office building as XW all day M-F. Fortunately, their arrival and departure times are likely to be divergent, and XW doesn't venture as high in the parking garage as GF will be parking ... long ago demanded and got ground floor parking due to arthritis and absence of an elevator. And apparently got it back when she returned from Milan and got her job back. Luckily, departing cars don't even pass this particular spot, although everybody does pass it on the way in. <P>She'll start in early June. And though they're giving her a couple of months to get up and running, she has at least a half-dozen deals she has already identified. No disloyalty to old employer in that ... jobs are either with companies that STBXEmployer doesn't like to work with, or are of types that turn STBXEmployer off. Bottom line: STBXEmployer wouldn't be STBX if she had looked at what GF was doing and found the value in it. Instead, while she scoffed at GF's initiatives, she and the other dinosaur in the office were getting a free ride on the income GF brought in, and ineptly chasing low-probability big deals that won't materialize. GF is tired of feeding two extra mouths.<P>Once this is finalized, I'm torn between advising XW's attorney of the situation, or just keeping my yap shut on the chance that we can go along for a long time without anything hitting the fan. If nothing hits the fan, there's virtually no danger of the CD-Rs going in the mail...

Throw out the disks. Really. Whatever happens, happens.<P>Just from reading this post it seems like you are building this up to be some kind of soap opera - <P>"XW doesn't venture as high in the parking garage as GF will be parking ... long ago demanded and got ground floor parking due to arthritis and absence of an elevator. And apparently got it back when she returned from Milan and got her job back. Luckily, departing cars don't even pass this particular spot, although everybody does pass it on the way in."<P>Sounds like you are really putting way too much thought into all of this. And unfortunately whether you see it or not, it is hurting YOU. I think I speak for many here in saying that is why several have posted telling you to destroy the cd's. Not for your wife's sake, but for yours.<P>There isn't a need for them anymore - personally I didn't think there should have ever been a "need" for those cds. Get rid of them - don't worry about your XW and new GF - it is not worth the effort to think about it. Just enjoy your life and your GF.<P>my $.02<P>God Bless,<BR>Mike<P>------------------<BR>God always waits for the right time to do the right thing in the right way.

Remember <B>Sis</B>, if I'm the drama queen, I need my king, and you're it. We've talked about this before!<P>You and I both have a habit of making more of things than need be... borrowing trouble... <P>I, for one, am sick of living a life in constant crisis. I just want some peace -- don't you?<P>So, toss those dam*ed CD's and be done with it, will ya!?<P>

I agree with everyone's take.....let it go. I esp. agree with FaithfulWife's advice....<P>My only comment is....don't do anything until something happens...IF something happens. Nothing may happen at all! There is no need to do anything now.<P>Let it go...<P>Aloha,<BR>Mrs.O<BR>

Hi Sisyphus,<P>You'll have to forgive me because I'm only partly familiar with your situation. While I can see why people would tell you destroy them, I think putting myself in your place I would probably hold on to them too. I tend to agree with your concept of deterrence (so Reaganesque and I love old Ronald), but that's a concept of a much bigger scale. I agree with the idea of giving them to a trusted friend, someone who will not destroy them on their own beyond your wishes, but someone who is sensible to talk to.<P>The problem with using them against her if there are any conflicts with the GF is that this person is ONLY your girlfriend, not fiancee, not wife #2. If something happened, and you destroyed your wife's career over it, that's a long-term hit. Then on top of destroying her, there is still no guarantee you're gonna be with this GF for the rest of your life either, and then you will have destoyed XW for nothing. So really think before you make a serious hit for the sake of someone else who may or may not be around for long anyway.<P>Well, the other problem is that it's just not nice.<P>Take care,<BR><P>------------------<BR>Kathy

Okay, I skimmed, so sorry if someone else already said this...QUIT MESSING WITH THAT ROCK. Next time it rolls downhill, it may just crush you and GF. If moving on is your goal...do that. EX will make her own mistakes...be happy that you have someone, try to avoid obsessing about EX. If you can't be civil together, then be civil apart.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by waiting_for_her:<BR><B>try to avoid obsessing about EX. If you can't be civil together, then be civil apart.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I wasn't obsessing until this came up. And still am not, although XW's eventual reaction is the <B>big unknown</B> for this new position. I'm willing to be civil--heck, I have no intention of being otherwise. I have a new life and a new GF. But XW is seemingly stuck in neutral. Grand plans of New York and Milan haven't been fulfilled, she's back where she was ... still overworked. Gosh, who to blame? Well, she never blames herself for anything ... so pardon me if I worry a little.<BR>

Tom!<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>As a wise man once said to me, "Most people create their own problems." I have heeded that advice and try to live a life where i don't control/mess with other people just for my own feeling of self worth/importance.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Once again your insight is of a great help to me.[ok,so you got it from someone else,but hey who cares.] <P>I have learned so much from you and I do hope you continue posting so that I can read/lurk and keep on growing!<P>Take it easy.<P>Gina <BR><P>------------------<BR>"If we deny love that is given to us,if we refuse to give love because we fear pain or loss,then our lives will be empty,our loss greater!"-----Anonymous----

Hi Sis,<P>Not sure if I have ever replied to you or not. I have been following your saga though.<P>A couple of questions: Would your Girlfriend be working with or for your wife in the same company or just in the same building?<P>If in the same building why even really worry they probably will not see each other and if they do it will just be in passing. My guess is this building is huge because it has an attached parking garage. <P>If your Girlfriend is going to be working with the ex-wife than that is your girlfriend's choice. You really should not get involved. Your girlfriend, as my Mom would say, is "free, and over the age of 21 so do not worry about it". Or go with what my Gran would say "stop making mountains out of mole hills". <P>I think you need to let your ex-wife go and stop thinking about her too much. You give her far more power in your life than you should. If you want to hang onto this mysterious CD that could ruin your ex-wife's life than do it...but you better make sure it will not destroy you in the process.

It's just the same 10 story building ... with a few floors between them. But GF will be driving XW's old car, which XW gave me in the divorce. A common enough model, but with a few conspicuous quirks (noisy A/C compressor, ever-so-slightly askew front bumper [courtesy of XW's pre-glasses Mr. McGoo syndrome]) ... it's likely XW will recognize it. We want to get GF out of her present car ... and living downtown, I'm in no hurry to get into somthing new. <P>I'm getting more relaxed about it. The reality of it is sinking in ... I'm comfortable with my situation, and GF is comfortable with hers. Whoever said she's a big girl and can take care of herself has no idea how right they are. 11 years of hanging around volatile Colombians just had me unjustifiably walking on eggshells. And there are more and gentler ways of handling trouble than just snuffing XW's career. It's quick and clean in theory, but in practice even if it never caused me a problem it would still be disproportionate. <P>If XW wants to keep spinning her wheels where she is, why should I get her thrown out of the quicksand?

Sis -<P>Hello again! I find youir posts intriguing and decided to reply yet again, because it seems to me that you like being a party to the sopa opera. I've said it before - all hail the king of drama! <P>A few questions - <BR>Does your GF know about your concerns? What is she saying? I am leaning to the side that she either she really doesn't know since she is going forward and working there, or she thinks that you are just creating a bigger problem. <P>How serious are the two of you? Are you really concerned that she and the XW will meet up and explode? What type of individuals are these two? I recall a posting of yours that I responded to regarding a sighting? Did your GF actively seek out this building to work in? Sounds somewhat suspicious to me if she did. To that effect, is she someone you really want to be with? Better to find out now, huh? <P>As you can see, there are many paths that this soap opera can go down, the end of the road is what you create. What is it that will make you happy? And why, oh why, do you insist on pushing that damned rock for eternity? <P>Galetea<BR><P>------------------<BR>The only way out is to go through<BR>- Robert Frost

Right...like I said..I skimmed. Sorry, but I do like your moniker! We signed the (sloppy as all hell) papers yesterday. Yes, your Ex is spinning her tires, to be sure. Wonder what's up with that? Take care.

The building wasn't sought, but the job was ... the location is absolutely a twist of fate.<P>GF is reasonable to a fault. XW is less predictable these days, especially as the tone of the divorce seems to have changed from her being cheerful to be rid of me, to astonighingly avoidant, and (I would presume) fearful and angry after her secret was outed. <P>GF won't be seeking XW out. Professes that she wouldn't recognize her ... and that she wouldn't want to know XW, but I think there would inevitably be a flash of mutual recognition ... say in the elevator. What happens then is anyone's guess, but with risk 99 to 1 that XW would be the first and only one to cross the line. If I were present, there would obviously be recognition ... again, <I>we</I> wouldn't be the ones getting out of line. <P>GF and I are quite serious. I don't honestly think this will come between us. Butterflies are dying down. It does remain a residual concern, though.

The GF's negotiations with the new employer are drawing toward a successful conclusion. The right job. In the <I>wrong</I> place. <P>So it looks like this thing is going to happen. <P>I'm going to have to roll with it. I just have to try to get out of the mode of thinking that even the slightest affront to my girlfriend can be responded to only by mailing the CDs. I feel like the XW long ago used up any slack she had with me on a personal level (on the financial side, I've been fairly forgiving). Problem is, I'm at a loss for ways to deliver lesser consequences. And I would like to plan ahead for this rather than get caught flat-footed.

OK, I'm gonna bite... what the heck is on those CD-roms? <P>You're one curious dude Sisyphus... I see when you respond to the spy-ware stuff and how to do effective surveillance and stuff... very curious to understand what makes you work the way you do...?<P>Cheers!<P>ps - does this have to do with that family secret thing you leaked out of an anonymous email account or was it one of your X's email accounts? That was a while ago you were talking about that. Anyway... just curious BUT I'm aware that curiousity killed the cat.<P>------------------<BR>We cannot do everything at once... but we can do something at once

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>You're one curious dude Sisyphus... I see when you respond to the spy-ware stuff and how to do effective surveillance and stuff... very curious to understand what makes you work the way you do...?</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Actually, the first time I researched what one person could record about another person's keystrokes was at XW's behest (in response to an offhand reply of mine that I had read about such programs existing) ... she thought her boss might be doing that kind of thing to the employees. When I saw the question on the boards I just updated what I already knew about and responded.<P>As for the CDs, they are a personal backup of every relatively recent piece of work done by everyone in her office. Although invaluable to someone in her professsion as a morgue, or as a jumping-off point for doing similar pieces of work, they're not really valuable to a third-party ... not quite templates (require significant updating), but much easier than starting from scratch. Although they are (or were) "confidential", any secrets they once held almost certainly have no real value now. Nonetheless, they were obtained by her clandestinely. And boss would not be happy...<P>I outed the family secret by anonymous snail-mail to the only person believed to be in dire need of a warning. Without identifying XW, but necessarily identifying the alleged perp. No e-mail misbehavior was ever undertaken.<BR><p>[This message has been edited by Sisyphus (edited May 21, 2001).]

Negotiations are right at the brink... (I'm trying to make GF insist that certain verbal elements of the employment deal show up on the offer letter). In case of a dispute, I'd rather her not have to try to prove her case from their old e-mail threads.<P>As to what happens when she actually shows up, I'm taking solace from the title of the new Martin Lawrence/Danny DeVito movie: <B><I>"What's the Worst that Could Happen?"</B></I>

Done deal! I guess now the real fun begins.