<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>(I'm trying to make GF insist that certain verbal elements of the employment deal show up on the offer letter). In case of a dispute, I'd rather her not have to try to prove her case from their old e-mail threads.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I don't get it... what verbal elements of the employment deal are you talking about? I'm an HR person and haven't a CLUE as to what you're talking about but it interests me so if you'd be so kind as to clue my block-brain in...<P>The "real fun" begins... I think someone else said it.... You are the King of Drama... and I can't get the visual of you out of my mind that you once painted on the boards here... you're Niles and your X is Marys... too funny. Is that true?<P>Cheers!<P>------------------<BR>We cannot do everything at once... but we can do something at once

p.s. So who's your GF like, Daphne?<P>------------------<BR>We cannot do everything at once... but we can do something at once

There were graduated levels of commission ... percentages went up with performance. I wanted it clear that for calendar year '01 she would recieve the increases for hitting 7/12 of the annual targets. And that the target for the trip bonus would also be 7/12 ... and so on down the line. I had her raise it, and it was agreed to verbally, but I wanted it in the documents in case the guy who hired her gets hit by a train or turns out to be a weasel. <P>Everything else I targeted has already been handled, there was just this last bit hanging out. But much e-mail has gone back and forth on the subject, and GF feels sufficiently reassured, and she's going ahead without the changes in the offer letter.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by OvrCs:<BR><B>p.s. So who's your GF like, Daphne?</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>OK, Niles and Maris only insofar as he was henpecked, and she was domineering though sickly and weak--using the latter to her advantage whenever possible (don't mean to sound too harsh--if I had been dealt psoriatic arthritis, I would have used it where I could too). <P>I'm 6', brown hair, hazel eyes, 195 lbs, and these days almost buff. The only celebrity I've been compared to is Paul McCartney, but not since he started looking old in the '80s. New GF is nearly my height, has light brown curly hair, and is also approaching great shape. Flashes of Nicole Kidman, but more outgoing.<P>XW ... 5'2", dark hair, petite, say a latin looks and personality cross between Katie Couric and Laura San Giacomo's character on "Just Shoot Me". More frequently exhibiting the latter's self-righteousness (whether appropriate or not) than the former's perkiness. Latin temper, father-fixated, very judgmental. One of the big rifts was that I had said something about him that was intended to be good, but which backfired. He was accused of fondling a patient, and I told XW that it's crap unless more come out of the woodwork. Then a dozen did, and he avoided conviction by tendering his MD license. So she knew he had been judged by me and found wanting. And since I was judged by her as inferior to him, this was something that ultimately couldn't be tolerated. BTW, he was not the family member that needed to be warned about (yup, more than one like that).

Ok, wow... so you've just blown my mental picture of what you look like out of my mind. That's wild. Ok, I'll adjust, I'll adapt... just give me a minute.<P>Anyway, do you write? I mean you can spin a good story... You should submit to a periodical or something... maybe you already do. Very entertaining.<P>I can see your "suspicious" nature about preventing yourself from getting screwed has carried over into your GFs relationship - to a good point. She should be protected but I can't imagine thinking through all the detail that you must go through on a daily basis!<P>Cheers mate! (nope, I'm not from down under... just like the phrase) <P>------------------<BR>We cannot do everything at once... but we can do something at once

I think you were the person who hinted a few months back that I was trying to get into my ex-husband's business by telling him what I knew of something that had happened to his love interest.<P>And now I see that you had thought of doing something similar. I am not being critical but I felt that you really didn't seem to understand what I was feeling at the time.<BR> In fact, I saw some other posts at the same time where you mentioned that you had some information about your ex and you were considering using it.<P>I can understand your sadness and feelings. However, I would hope that you would not be too quick in judging others who have similar ones.<P>May God bless you through your trials.<P>Martha<BR>

Where's the similarity? I'm protecting the woman who is now <I>mine</I>, not undercutting a rival for my XW's affections. I never even determined whether there was a terminal EA or PA with my XW (I know there was at least an EA early in our marriage).

You think you know my reasons, and I think I know yours. Although we both may not be right.This is a board in which we should try and try to lend each other support although we may have differences of opinion. We are all human and have suffered greatly at the hands of our betrayers and thier lovers.<P>I felt that you were wrong to judge me so harshly. I in turn will try not to judge you so readily.

I went back and read over what I had written to you. As with most e-mail, it probably was rougher on the recipient (you) than the writer (I) intended. Especially since the issue had much less emotional content for me than you. I hate it when that happens!<P>Months ago, I might have used those CD-Rs purely for spite ... now it would take quite a lot of provocation. When nothing that could happen would make me use them, I'll likely send them back to her. But not yet.

WOW! Now THIS - what you two have just demonstrated - is an excellent model of respectful conflict resolution and follows some basic guidelines:<P>1) focus on the issue not the person<BR>2) specifically state what you've observed<BR>3) ask for feedback<BR>4) accept differences of interests<BR>5) move towards results or peacefully agreeing to disagree<P>Cool, thanks!<P>Cheers!<P>------------------<BR>We cannot do everything at once... but we can do something at once

Thanks for the replies. I may not have done right thing in the given situation, but I knew my ex probably knew what had taken place. In fact, he had kept a lot of information from me when he was going through the affair.<P>I later told him I was sorry for what was said and I felt for her in that she had to go through that terrible ordeal. He told me to forget it. When I told him what I knew, he apologized to me for all the terrible things he had said to me during our marriage. That at least was a start.<P>The last time I talked with him by phone. He thanked me for sending him a check that was part of the settlement and started the conversation by saying he was sorry to bother me. So he's much kinder now than we were still married.<BR>I guess he's trying to make up for all the pain he put me through. He may in fact be married to her now.<P>Will the pain ever go away?<P>Thanks.<P>Martha

Well, it's GF's second day at the new place. I drove her in yesterday, and as I went around the block to go back home, XW's car was on the 1st level of the parking garage. At quitting time when I picked GF up, I may have glimpsed XW through the expansive plate glass windows of the lobby ... I was not yet in front of the building, and was driving GF's car, but I saw a familiar shape approach the door and turn back to go out the back of the building ... casually ... like a last minute decision to favor driving over walking--probably to an early comfort-food dinner at a very traditional cafeteria. Almost certainly she did not see me. She could not have predicted my presence, nor was I in a familiar vehicle ... and I wasn't even immediately in front of the lobby yet. Thankfully, GF and I both have cell phones to minimize my need to go in and find her and her need to wait around downstairs.<P>If it <B>was</B> XW, unlike post-divorce encounters where she took great pains to dress to the nines, she was a notch below Friday casual (on a Wednesday?). But the Gap jeans, running shoes and untucked solid-color Polo look was characteristically hers. As was the gait.<P>What did I feel? Shock. Relief that she went the other way. Curiousity. Worry that GF's cover would be blown incredibly early. GF took a little longer coming out. I didn't mention what I'd seen, as I wasn't certain, and I felt it would seem obsessive. While there are, of course, nostalgic feelings (that take nothing away from GF--they're just <I>there</I>), the overarching concern is that I don't want a "This building isn't big enough for the both of us" situation to arise prior to GF being well-settled in her job (which she feels perfectly suited for already--computer "training" yesterday was almost more of a case of her training <I>them</I> even though she had never seen the software package before). Because I know how I'll be tempted to settle that one. <p>[This message has been edited by Sisyphus (edited May 31, 2001).]

I'm still thinking you have lingering feelings for your Latina X... but perhaps that is perfectly normal post-divorce. I don't know how I'd feel given the same scenario. Thanks for your honesty and sharing your vulnerabilities. I appreciate seeing how you're growing through this time...<P>------------------<BR>We cannot do everything at once... but we can do something at once

Sisyphus,<P>I'm with OvrCs on this one. This has been going on for a while, and you still seem preoccupied with your ex. Try reading this thread as though you weren't involved, as though a total stranger had posted those thoughts. It makes the reader wonder, "When is it (last marriage) going to be over?" How much longer is that ghost going to influence your life? What you are describing in yourself is a preoccupation with your ex, and whether you care to recognize it or not, it is at the expense of of the present and your present girlfriend. I've said it before, and I'll say it again, you can put this matter to rest any time you choose. For all the agg you have put yourself through with this, it is time to burn that CD-R. You haven't given us any reason to believe that your Ex wants to scuttle your new relationship, or that she wants to hurt you anymore. Your thoughts run to "well what if she does etc., etc."<P>With one foot grounded in yesterday and the other set on tomorrow, there is a pretty good chance that you are P***ing all over today.<P>Time to live and let live.<P>Prayers and stuff,<P>Bumper

I'm at this stage preoccupied only with my XW's capacity for mischief, and the surefire but disproportionate response I can launch. Otherwise I'm pretty relaxed. I'm sure this will resolve itself. <P>How many among you would be comfortable with the situation we're facing (GF and me)?

Today I received a credit from one of my Visa cards for a $2,300 payment she was required to make under the terms of the settlement agreement. She paid it in February, but to an obsolete address, and it had vanished. <P>I somehow expected assistance from her side in clearing this up (what kind, I dunno, maybe a copy of the front and back of her canceled check?), especially because the bank involved was taking so long to investigate. I asked her attorney for it, but heard nothing back. In truth, time resolved it without her cooperation, and I shouldn't resent its absence, but I still do ... to a greatly diminished extent. <P>No incidents for GF at the office ... all is calm for the moment.

Another bizarre encounter. GF and I were window-shopping, having just finished dining outdoors at a local pedestrian mall. I saw her brother there (former big-league banker now day-trading out of a gloomy 1/1 apartment). I spoke. "Hey <name>!" He ignored. <P>Later we saw him again on the other side of the mall walking past us in the other direction as we unlocked our bikes. This time nobody spoke. <P>I'm getting a little static from her attorney. She's asking to be off my checking and credit card account with my credit union. For that I need to submit a new application minus her. She needs to send me a release of her interest in the account -- one she's had in hand for almost a year. Without it I can't do what she wants me to do. But he wants me to do my part first, which I can't do without her doing her part. Impasse. Anne Robinson would dispatch this guy in 10 seconds.<P>I could just close the accounts, but I would be unnecessarily inconvenienced in doing so. So I'm just going to wait and see if the other side will do their part or not.<P>New GF is fitting in well at the job in XW's office building. Still no encounters. Once new GF has a deal go through (proving her value), I'll feel more confident rocking the boat with XW over these last remaining things. Until that time, I feel GF is vulnerable ... the new employer wouldn't feel that economic pain if he fired her.

Well, the encounter happened. Where we thought it would, in the elevator. XW was already in there when GF boarded. XW didn't recognize GF (who was dressed professionally--at the parking lot encounter she had been very much in mufti). GF didn't recognize XW, but was standing behind her and put it all together from some physical cues; with her suspicions confirmed as she saw XW move out ahead of her. GF didn't flinch. <P>GF is kicking a** and taking names at her new job. Very shortly she will have a completed deal under her belt. She acted quickly, and many deals may come to fruition when principals she introduced to each other meet at an upcoming convention. Management made her run a lot of training tapes when she came aboard, but now they're watching her do her thing and wondering how <I>she</I> does it. Of course, it helps that in this new office there is absolutely zero expertise in her subspecialty. All-in-all, a good situation. <P>So, we've proven that without more, XW won't recognize GF, and we've also proven that GF has the <I>sang froid</I> to act natural when encounters happen. Another hurdle cleared...

Great news!<P>So, XW is out of the picture and you've got a rising star on your hands... out of curiousity, what is GF's subspeciality? And, by the way, how are you doing professionally, personally, spiritually, emotionally and all that...?<P>Cheers!<BR>Nicole<P>------------------<BR><I>As iron sharpens iron, so does one wo/man sharpen another...</I> Prov 27:17

XW's attorney seems to have a small piece of a brown dwarf between his ears. Since Feb, I've been waiting for a release to get XW off my credit union accounts. Then I can submit a new application that will relieve her of liability as well. Problem is that the release specifically talks about not relieving her from liability ... but it's only one part of the package I'm going to submit. XW and XW's attorney have apparently lost the paper a couple of times, then just <I>cavilled</I> about signing it. Nor is the '99 1040 signed by her, for that matter. Oh, well, I'm not getting PO'd, I can wait (but GF is a bit impatient). <P>I've provided the form ... filled out and ready for signature and notarization ... yet again, in response to the atty's latest letter. Since he keeps losing it, I also copied XW with an easily printed version of it in e-mail. <P>GF and I have been going to her office for a couple of hours the past few Saturdays. Spotted XW's car parked in the garage on the way out just over a week ago. Ironically sporting a license-plate frame advertising the local Swedish repair shop. Meaning she's no longer using the dealer, and also that a long-held idea of hers has gone by the wayside. When the same thing happened with her old car, she demanded I go get the $0.99 plain frame back from the shop ... for paranoia/security reasons she didn't want identifying features on the car. I started it, but she turned it into a religion. <P>If she saw that GF and I had signed in with the guard that day, she hasn't made a peep. GF and I chose Saturday because Sunday is XW's usual day ... but apparently XW is even more workaholic than usual lately. <P>I just still can't afford to rock the boat too much ... GF hasn't had a deal go through yet, although one is mere angstroms from closing. <p>[This message has been edited by Sisyphus (edited July 10, 2001).]