Aloha Just Tired,<P>First of all, I want to say how sorry and saddened I am about your situation. Many of us have been there, in one way or another. <P>I also want you to know that no matter what happens, one day you will reach a place of healing. I know....I didn't believe it either 1-1/2 years ago. But I have healed and I am still healing. And you will too.<P>My advice is:<P>1) Draw close to the Lord. I don't know if you have a spiritual life or what, but this is what got me thru. One of my favorite links is:<BR> <A HREF="http://www.backtothebible.org/devotions/classics/streams.htm" TARGET=_blank>http://www.backtothebible.org/devotions/classics/streams.htm</A> <P>Even if you aren't a Christian, it might be helpful.<P>2) Do everything you can to try to save your marriage. My opinion is that it's the only decision you'll be able to live with.<P>What I mean by that is, do what others here have suggested. You and your wife will have to start over. You'll have to go to counseling, probably both individually and for sure as a couple. You'll both have "conditions" that will need to be met for the relationship to work. These will need to be discussed, decided upon, etc. and I think talked about with the counselor. These include anger management.<P>3) Take it slow. If she is being honest about her desire to reconcile, then take it one step at a time. Why not make a "deal" that you will do all of the above for a given period.....like six months? Then I think her intentions will eventually come forth and you'll know if you can go on with her or need to go on without her. Just remember....either way, you will one day heal.<P>4) You may need to give up your brother, or at least ever seeing him again at a family gathering OR with your wife present. You can set that perameter, even when visiting your other family overseas. You HAVE to set that parameter. And you'll have to ask your wife to be accountable for all her time whenever you are anywhere NEAR your brother.<P>That's about all I can say. About the no money thing....you'll have to make this the priority. Check around for counselors that you could work a deal with....payment over time, or something. With Steve or Jennifer Harley, you can put it on a credit card and pay it off in installments. Whatever needs to be done, you might just have to do it.<P>My situation is very much like your, except that we were married 11 years and my H too has deep, emotional problems that I didn't know about when I married him. We've been separated over a year and he's living with OW. I've pretty much moved on and have realized that I gave it my best shot (begging, crying, Plan A, Plan B) for a year to try to save my marriage. While it didn't happen, it did give me a certain peace of mind that I gave it my all to try.<P>My life will be very different now, as all my plans, hopes and dreams were shattered....just like what you are facing. But I'm finally at the point where I can start each new day with a little hope and faith that God will again make my life worthwhile.<P>I wish you all the best. Keep coming to this board....it's a wonderful healing tool.<P>Aloha,<BR>Mrs.O<P>
