Hello, all,<BR>Some of you know me already. <BR>I didn't want to come to this forum, but here I am.<P>My ws is still in an affair. After he stopped two divorce hearings, he now has re-ignited the issue--esp. when his wages were garnished in March 2001 He has defied a court order judgment from October 2000, and didn't pay for 6 mnnths. After they threatened a contempt of court and <BR>revocation of his driver's license, he told them where he was working.<P>So when he re-ignited the issue in March 2001, he amended the original divorce petition of June 2000; the first hearing was set for April 2001 and then continued to June 8 and now to June 15.<P>So, in 12 days, my husband will divorce me. And all I wonder is "for what"? His own selfish agenda to be true to himself--to fulfill his mid-life crises desires. To drink to oblivion with the op. <P>My main question now is to all of you is this:<P> Would you dispute, disagree, or argue any point of what you spouse was asking for in a d...?<BR> For example, the original petition has routine clause for joint custody (we have 3 children.) SINCE HE LEFT, THEY HAVE BEEN BLIPS ON HIS RADAR SCREEN. There has been minimal to no quality or quantity time spent with them. He has returned to our community many times during this year when we saw him--"Elvis sightings" and he did not even come to our house! Any many times he was with the op.<P>He has shown no interest in their education, religion, medical or general welfare. I have literally had sole physical and legal custody of our 3 children for the last 14 months and now I want it under a court order.<P>Alcohol, dwi's, forgery, neglect of kids, defiance of court orfer to pay child support, etc. He and other person were in auto accident and he was driving hispeed, drunk. She filed aga. our auto ins. Policy and got $25000 and they were off...Bonnie and Clyde...and he forged my name to two income tax refunds...and he withheld money when he refused to submit name of his employer for garnishment....they drink together. Wreckless driving charges on him.<P>Would you agree to joint custody or would you ask for sole physical and legal custody based on what I have mentioned here? It is actually worse than I have presented here.<P> <BR>My thoughts: if I go for sole custody, which he has given to me on his own by leaving and saying with his actions: they are yours and do what you want with them? I don't care. <P>Anyone here been in a similar situation? What did you do?<P>What would you do if you were in a situation like this?<P>I am torn between going full force ahead for court ordered sole custody or just giving in and settling for joint custody.<P>Under the coditions of infidelity, I just can't imagine my children being involved in that "partnership" (being around the op who has two dwi convictions)<P>Joint custody means that he would all of a sudden be given permission to have a say so in anything about our children when for the last year, he did not care.<P>Enough for now. Please let me hear from you.<P>elo <P>

Elo, it's very simple.<P>What is in the best interest of your children?<P>What he wants and what you want doesn't really matter.<P>If everything that you say is true, then I would fight him tooth and nail for my kids, because it would be dangerous and bad emotionally for your children to spend that much time with him.<P>If you have proof, then fight. Why would you give your children over to a man such as the one you describe?<P>------------------<BR><I>Pain is a given, misery is optional.</I>

Thanks for reply.<P>Yes, what I say is true and even more and worse.<P>I don't think the court would turn them over to him.<BR>I just think that visitation needs to be restricted with <BR>no contact with his alcoholic partner and his alcohol abuse and driving record.<P>I'll write more later. have to go. elo

elo,<P>WOW! Our stories are so similar!!!<P>When we went to court, I asked for and got sole physical and legal custody of my 3 sons. Of course, my ex didn't fight this cause it would cut into his drinking time if he had the boys. He got standard visitation (every other weekend and one evening during the week). He has never exercised this right in almost 18 months. Phone calls come in on holidays and birthdays and he hasn't seen them since Christmas. He has never asked me about school nor has he inquired about their health. According to earlier court papers, I am supposed to make him aware of these things, so if one of the kids has an accident and we need to go to the hospital or doc, I call him. Usually, I leave a message since he's never home. <P>If you're children would be in danger, fight for them!!<P>Mitzi <P>

ELO-<P>I went through plan A and worked on being a good wife, and still my STBX walked all over me. One thing he did was that he signed my name for a loan which I neither authorized nor agreed to. (I guess that sort of means the same! Redundant aren't I? and I repeat myself too )<P>Anyway, I put my foot down about it. This is CRIMINAL, not just unfortunate or inconvenient. So I warned him, that if he did not pay IN FULL (he kept saying he would 'make arrangements') by June 1, I was going to report it. He did the right thing, and the loan is completely paid off and the account is closed.<P>If your STBX husband signed your name to INCOME TAX checks (or if OP did it for him) that is ILLEGAL, and YOU don't have to prosecute for it. You just have to notify the authorities. They will do the legal work. He has STOLEN money from you -- and YOU would use it for the kids. This is not just inconsiderate!!! Ask your lawyer to draw up a letter (you could even write it if your lawyer would sign it -- save you some $$$$) stating that he has until such and such a date (give a reasonable amount of time for payback) to pay you back in full, otherwise you will notify the IRS. My lawyer includes the possible ramifications without actually 'threatening'. He just states facts. If that doesn't scare him s***less, then he probably does not believe you will do it. Make him sure that you will. And then DO IT. He is a bully toward you and he thinks he can get away with this stuff. <P>My STBX is the same way. And he tries to pull stuff over on me all the time. I HATE it but I have to keep on my toes with him. Actually, sometimes his bully mentality works to my advantage. He thinks I would do what he (a bully) would do. So he gets afraid. I always have to threaten court. I know that eventually, he will realize it is easier to just do the right thing, right now and never mind about courts and lawyers. But I have to be strong and stand up to him.<P>I know you can do it. As far as visitation, I don't know what you can really do about it. Here in NYS they are very generous to the dads with visitation. In fact, it is irrelevant to custody/visitation orders whether or not they pay their support or exercise visitation regularly. If they have this weekend beginning at 6 pm and they have not shown up for 18 months, but they show up this week, I would have to surrender my children. I would have to have this changed by court order first.<P>Another thing my atty did was separate out the marital from the family court issues. I don't know how things work in your state, but that helped me a lot. This way he cannot use the kids for $$ gain -- "If you ask for $$$ , then I will take custody of the kids... or I will fight you for custody / visitation of the kids" He knows how to push your buttons and the kids are your priority. So try to separate them and get the Custody/Visitation/Support orders done separately from the marital (separation or divorce) orders.<P>We are all here for you ELO! You can do this!

Well, I'm starting my divorce too. I live in Florida, and my lawyer said that my adulterous, abusive, alcoholic husband would not lose his right to shared custody. It's not aginst the law to be a bad dad. He said he had a client whose husband was schizophrenic and killed the family dog in front of the kids. She got sole custody there. I have so much evidence of my husband drinking and driving (he had 2 DUI's a long time ago), that I will probably put some conditions to his visitation at the very least. He's acting like a [censored] now, so I'm beginning to wonder about supervised visitation. Regardless, he would still have shared parental responsibility.<P>Nell

Hi, Mitzi, <P>I posted a topic for you to read. I am interested in how you and your attorney were successful in obtaining sole physical and legal custody of your sons.<P>Did you have enough proof that he had not cared and had shown so by his actions?<P>Am very interested in your reply. Please respond because this is where I am right now. Planning to ask for sole custody based on the fact that not only did he leave them with me but he has given a damn about any significant area of their lives for 15 months. It is hard to believe that he will begin now. I have it now, but it is not court approved. <P>I need input from you and would appreciate any advice you can give me to be successful. <P>In a recent post, someone advised me not use any approach <BR>toward my husband taht would compromise my integrity and prevent any future consideration of reconciliation by him.<P>I do feel as though I am having to fight a battle in a way that is not me. Yet, in order to protect my children and me financially, morally, physically, and emotionally, I have to go for sole custody. This means I have to reveal many facts about him that show how his actions have the compromised the best interests of our children over the past 15 months.<P>Facts that will prove that he is not fit to make these major decisions now, and his behaviors indicate why he did not make them nor cared if he did.<P>There is a June 15 hearing which I do not believe has any chance of being continued. The d. could be final that day.<BR>He gets a d. and I hope to secure court approved sole legal and physical custody. <P>I keep telling myself not to fight the paper divorce and to minimize the emotional d. Yet, if I do reveal waht I can prove about his "state of mind", I know this will maximize the emotional d. Like someone else told me, he wants me to look like the monster instead of trying to communicate with me on a rational plane. He is not there because of alcohol and his love of himself.<P>Someone on a post said to me: If he ever decides that he wants to reconcile, he will not hold it against me that I was trying to protect our children. <P>Wouldn't I just love to believe it could work that way? No such luck..Yet, I have to move forth and take that chance.<P>What I will reveal in court is the truth and he can't deny any of it? But, it should, hopefully, show a judge that he is not fit to make any major decisions about the lives of our children--not for a long time unless he makes some major changes in his present lifestyle.<P>Alcohol, adutery, affair, forgery, defiance of child support judgment, wreckless driving, withholding money,<BR>minimal to no contact with our children(he never asked to see them on a regular basis that equaled quality and/or quantity time), moved two time, two phone numbers, delinquent on his bills, terrorizing our children with comments taht I paid to have a restraining order to keep him from them, and comments that I get more than half his check. He told my son to go into my paprs and find all the bills and add them up. He left messages that said "you people" are going to be thrown out our your house!<P>On and on and on and on and on and on and on and on...<BR>It is not hard to hate him now...<P>elo<P>Looking forward to hearing from you.<P>elo

Well, after reading what you've said about him, I can only ask one question:<P>How could you even <B>consider</B> sharing custody with this man?<P>I don't know what the laws are like in your state, but many states merely want to know "what is in the best interests of the children?"<P>If he has been arrested for DUI, reckless driving and the like, then your children would be in danger just getting in the car with this man! Rather than present him as a terrible father, you need to portray him as a threat to the health and safety of your kids, period. If he has no qualms about driving around drunk with his "soul-mate" in the car, do you think he'll care about being sober with the kids in the car? I doubt it!<P>