xx<p>[This message has been edited by cantletgo (edited June 23, 2001).]

clg --<P>Oh, I'm so sorry that he's treating you this way. That's so much like mine. He claimed that he talked to me, but I know that he was talking with the OW and only thinks he talked with me (in his dreams).<P>You don't have kids.<BR>You don't like where you are working.<BR>You seem to think that you don't have many job prospects in the town where you currently live.<P>He's clearly hostile.<P><BR>I know I'm going to say something here that isn't exactly a MB concept...... get away from him!<BR>Sell the house, divorce and get what money you can out of it (maybe some temporary alimony too), get college transcripts, move to a bigger city, find yourself a good job that you can throw yourself into for a while, and then get back into school to complete your degree. Oh....and locate yourself a good therapist and get on antidepressants to help you through the really rough stuff that is coming up.<P>You're still young enough to meet someone else.<P>Do you really want to be with someone who has treated you this way?<P>~Amy

CLG,<P>Don't you think alot of his reactions/actions are probably linked to spending all that time at the training week with the OW along? It is the continued contact that makes the alien pop out!<P>Take some deep breaths and keep on reading your book. You are doing OK, just still on the roller coaster.<P>Pulling for you, Desiree<P>------------------<BR>"Life is made up, not of great sacrifices or duties, but of little things in which smiles and kindnesses and small obligations, given habitually, are what win and preserve the heart and secure comfort."<P>Sir Humphry Davy<BR>

CLG,<P>Your H is one angry man. Angry at everything around him and you are unfortunalty on the recieving end of it all. <P>Please Please find it somewhere inside yourself to believe that this is not about you. It is so hard not to get swept into their own personal problems and in so doing begin blaming yourself. I still take all this D stuff personally.<P>I don't know what to say to ease your suffering. Part of me agrees with Out of the Fog. But I know in your heart you are not near ready for such a drastic step.<P>Just keep doing what you are doing. May I suggest that next time he brings up the D you agree. For example when he says I'm just fixing this so we can get the house sold say oh good idea and maybe we should do this. A part of me thinks he keeps saying these tings to keep you beholden to him and needy. He is in control here and as long as he remains in complete control you will continue to hurt. Throw him a curve and see how he reacts? Just a suggestion.<P>My fingers are crossed for you regarding the new job! <BR>m

XX<p>[This message has been edited by cantletgo (edited June 23, 2001).]

clg,<P>Reading about what your H did and was saying......got me quite upset.<P>Here's a question --- Is your H the type that when he's made up his mind about something, especially something major, someone has to move a mountain in order to get him to change his mind?<P>Mine is that way.<P>Once he decided on divorce, he essentially placed himself in Plan B. He doesn't want to face me. Doesn't want anything to do with me. Tries to tell me what to do. Rude, selfish....you name it.<P>When I read about what you've been doing, I see a lot of myself. And there is a part of me that is kicking myself for not listening to the people who told me to get away from him and get the divorce over quickly and with little cost.<P>This long drawn-out divorce process is not at all fun. But considering that we are having disputes concerning custody of our daughter, I'm glad that we have temporary orders and attornies to fall back to when our communication breaks down (i.e. he won't talk). He's slowly beginning to realize the severity of what he is wanting to do......and that he can't tell me what to do.<P>I've been rather worried about you, how you are holding up to everything mentally. I read about you telling him that you are going to go and get some help. I think that's wonderful. But there's another side of it which you haven't actually talked about ---- you didn't want to tell him that you were seeing a Dr. I think that says something about his views on psych issues. Too often, if you have to see a Dr. or take a medication for a psych problem, it's seen as a character defect. In short, he can tell himself that you are nuts and use the Dr. as his proof of it --- at least to his friends. But it doesn't work that way with the judges....they've seen these cases too many times. <P>Constant exposure to negative treatment can essentially brainwash you. Throw in the codependency stuff --- where his needs are the most important, your needs are secondary or even lower (not only in his mind, but also in your own).<P>Look at the decision to sell the house ---- He didn't even talk to you about it!!! He doesn't treat you as if you two are married....he fails to consider your needs. He blames you for all the bad stuff.<P>Yet you are always considering him in every little thing you do.....every little move you make. That's what I'm seeing. And that's exactly what I was doing too. Good grief, you were afraid of going to the Dr.! Him finding out and the money were your concerns. Amazing -- money to repair the house and go out to eat while on a business trip...but the money isn't there for you to get the help you need? You have to tell him where every little bit of the money goes, have his permission to use the insurance?<P><BR>I know that I couldn't believe what was happening to me. It felt like a horrible nightmare that I couldn't wake up from. My worst fears were coming true and I was powerless to stop him.<P>Accepting that I was powerless to stop him and that he will go through with this divorce was hard. If he says he's going to do it and you know he's a person that does what he says he'll do..... then the quicker you accept that it's coming and it'll happen no matter how hard you fight it, the better off you'll be.<P>From what you've written, he's essentially told you that he wants a divorce and he doesn't want the house, but he doesn't want you to have it either. He wants to sever all ties clean and neat.<P>Yes, I think the trip away for the week has had a lot to do with his decision. But it sounds to me like he came back with his mind made up.<P>So, get yourself into a Dr. and get on some meds. The road will get worse before it gets better. <BR>Start feeling around for an idea of who is a good attorney....and you may want to go talk to them. <BR>Don't sign anything your H may throw at you!<P>Prepare yourself for the worst possible....and count yourself lucky if it doesn't come out that bad. Hope doesn't have to disappear, but you need to do what is necessary to protect yourself....just in case.<P>You deserve to be treated respectfully. You know that both of you are at fault and that placing blame is not productive. You are educating yourself, seeking out assistance with sorting through your emotions, and looking for a better job.<P>You are doing things that are constructive. He's going to resent that ---- big deal. If this were a marriage, he'd be supportive. <P>You go take care of yourself, and be prepared --- be strong. <P>[And yes, I do still hope somewhere deep down inside that my H will wake up and realize what a horrible thing he's doing.....but that's not happening. And I'm not sure if I'd ever have him back; he'd have to make a lot of changes.]<P>Oh --- last item, promise. He's talking with the fellow from work who was working on the door about the divorce. It's a known subject at work. That's probably creating a lot of tension at work for you and your co-workers .... especially since you won't talk about it with anyone. Your boss has probably heard rumors by now. I suggest you confide in your supervisor, let them know that you are looking for another job, ask for their assistance (they may have connections which could help you), and ask them for a letter of recommendation or reference information. Explain that you'd like to remain with the company long enough for you to find a job that will support you through whatever happens in the near future. Most people will be understanding and supportive of your efforts to improve your situation.<P>Take care,<BR>~Amy<P>

XX<p>[This message has been edited by cantletgo (edited June 23, 2001).]

clg,<P>I know that you've been doing a lot of reading. Have you read anything about codependency? <P>If so, what have been your thoughts about it where your relationship is concerned?<P>~Amy

I am sorry that he is treating you badly. <P>My husband did the same thing to me. It is just something that they do to try and make themselves feel better and make you feel weaker. Work on yourself, look for the good in you (and you are a wonderful person). It is not healthy for you to continue to listen to him blame you for everything. When spouses flip flop in their behavior, the other person usually has something to do with it. It is like dealing with two different people