to those of you (bs) whose marriages ended up in divorce because your ws had an affair, how many x's felt regret for the a and the divorce? did any ever want to reconcile after the divorce?

Hi Confused Pup,<P>I too am very interested in this Question. My H and his OW have all the ear markings of a classic MB Affair "Crash and Burn" scenario, yet to happen. But I'd like to know the same from the WS's our there. Have any of you WS's felt regret for the Divorce and Affair and wanted your spouses back, but most of all "WHY"???<P>Lv,<BR>Jo<P>------------------<BR>"Remain flexible like a reed, as opposed to an oak which can snap in the wind"

I was the WS 15 years ago, and the BS now.<P>I guess the simple answer to your question is no. I did not feel regret for the marriage or my affair. It allowed me to go on a journey and (IMHO) I am a much better person now.<P>The more complex answer is yes. I caused a lot of pain for my children and my ex-wife. My children and I have come a long way, and now have a good relationship.<P>It was not until I was the BS that I realized the pain I caused my ex. Call it the fog, or whatever. About a year after my current wife started her affair, I went over to my first wife's house and apologized for the pain I caused to her. She was very nice about it, much nicer than I had any right to expect. We are not friends, probably never will be, but we have come to a peace for the benefit of our children.<P>No, I never wanted to reconcile.

About 1 yr after divorce, my ex went to see daughter's therapist. I was told much later, that he had told therapist, he could see us getting back together someday, but at the time OW was very ill {she really was} and he couldn't leave her at that time. However, he is still with her and it has been 3 yrs since divorce. My daughter and I are doing fine, but I understand he and OW are in counseling.

I'd too like to know the statistics of that happening. I don't see it happening with my ex at all, she'd slash her wrists before admitting she was wrong. There are times when I think about it happening and wonder what I would do if she ever did come back around and admit she was wrong. I think about the only thing I'd accept from her is an apology for the pain she's caused but I won't get that either. But regrets and reconcile are two words not in her vocabulary. In fact the way she's been carrying on with the OM and introducing him to all her family I'd have to say wedding bells are most likely to be sounding before long, can't say I wish her the best. How does the saying go? Third time is the charm? <BR>Jax.<BR>

I don't know about statistics, but I know what it feels like to have the WS feel regret and remorse for what he did. He did not come home, however. I was married for three years, together for six, and always felt like my H was nuts about me. We had one of those intense, passionate things. I was surprised when he left, though we did have some problems. He had developed a friendship with a girl at work (younger: she was 18, he 26) and he felt that spark again that had faded with time with us. After a five month separation and only one attempt at reconciliation, he said he wanted a divorce. He never went to counseling, though he agreed to; he never read any books, tapes, or participated in any other method. We talked, continued to "date", have sex, and it looked promising to me. His heart WAS softening. What I didn't know was that an already tenuous drinking problem was getting worse; he was drunk every day, started with pot, and even tried harder drugs. He was not the same person.<P>At any rate, a month after the D he wrote me a letter justifying his decision vehemently and quite angrily. It bordered on nasty. I had remained kind and warm through the whole process and he had responded to that. So the change was odd. A few months later, he wrote me a letter that had a different tone. About how I deserved better than him, how he hurt me and was sorry, and how he hates himself. He started calling me too and expressed regret that he did not handle the situation right. He gave up too easily, he knows now, but nothing in the world would have convinced him of that then. That it was wrong to do. It was almost like a self fulfilling profecy: it wouldn't work out again even if he wanted it to. Too much water has passed under the bridge to him. Granted, he is still drinking to the best of my knowledge, and is unhappy in his new life and relationship. She is young, and he realizes the limitations it puts on things. He regrets that terribly too: an impetuous decision by two children. He says he misses me and what we had: our friendship and love. It was hard hearing it. I thought it was what I had wished for, but it only made him sound pathetic and lost. I felt sorry for him and a bit angry that he didn't know it then. Despite all of this talk, he hasn't made any moves to come home, making me question if this is just guilt and not true sentiment from him that would spur a healthy person to action. Also, I have not heard from him since the last time I saw him, which was the first time in six months. He made a big deal about seeing me. It was tender and warm, and I felt his love for me. I also smelled alcohol, so I invalidated everything I had experienced that night. Such is life.<p>[This message has been edited by gsd (edited June 26, 2001).]

No signs on this end, x has never appologized, probably never will(She doesn't "look back"). I guess since I am dating, that makes it easier for her.

I was the WS and my ex had a revenge affair two weeks after hearing of mine. I know I've never wished him and I could get back together and I really doubt he thinks about it either. I'm married to the other man (ex engaged to the OW). Speaking for myself, I have a great marriage.

My x admitted to having regrets on the one year anniversary date of our divorce. He said he might want to go out for a drink some time if I wasn't in a relationship.. But, wasn't really contemplating reconciliation. He admitted to being very confused and unsure of what he wanted. He told me to forget he said anything about it. He really just wanted me to know that he had regrets and thought it would be good for me to hear. <P>We did discuss whether either of us would ever want to reconcile and if we thought we could pull it off. We concluded that we probably never could and that it was just wishful thinking and we both really wanted our lifestyles back not really each other. Sad but true!

When I first came to MB, I was in deep deep despair over the cruelity inflicted on me by now XH. No matter how much I knew he was in a "fog", I just thought I was an exception to the de-fogging rule. I had to move on, with XH just pushing hard as he could to get me out of his life, so he and OW could get on with theirs. After 13yrs. together, I thought, I have to deserve more than this!!!!! At the time the now XH, not only showed no regret, I think he felt I was in the way of him being with his true soul mate. <P>Well, almost to the day of our divorce being final (4/30/01), realization hit him hard (and I mean hard). He is truly sorry for what he has done to us, and regrets everything he has done. I prayed hard for this to happen, and even though it is "late", as we are now divorced, I am thankful. If for anything, the validation and peace it has given me. <P>Good question! I never thought my XH would ever be expressing himself the way he has the past month and half. It really does prove to me that I must keep the faith!<P>Petrie<BR>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by REJECTED:<BR><B>Well, almost to the day of our divorce being final (4/30/01), realization hit him hard (and I mean hard). He is truly sorry for what he has done to us, and regrets everything he has done. I prayed hard for this to happen, and even though it is "late", as we are now divorced, I am thankful. If for anything, the validation and peace it has given me. </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>hi rejected,<P>is your h still with the ow? did he ever try to come back and reconcile?<P>

confused puppy,<P>My XH is not with the OW anymore. He is in a depressed state right now, realizing the man he became & how cruel he was to me, although he is getting better daily. We talk about reconciliation and what that will take. We want to get back together for the right reasons, and not just for comfort.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by REJECTED:<BR><B>My XH is not with the OW anymore. He is in a depressed state right now, realizing the man he became & how cruel he was to me, although he is getting better daily. We talk about reconciliation and what that will take. We want to get back together for the right reasons, and not just for comfort.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>how come he's not with the ow? how long was the affair and why did he do it? do you still love him? i would really like to know more about your story, if you don't mind sharing.<P>

My story is so long and boring (well, not boring exactly, but soap-opera-ish) that I won't go into it... but, I can answer your question:<P>Although I wished my marriage would work out, after months here (actually nearly a year) I realized it could not. My then-H had a slight desire to work things out, but not that much. Not enough to do "the work" or leave the OW (#5, in our marriage).<P>I filed for divorce from him, after several separations, and I met someone else, too soon. THAT'S my regret - the "too soon" part. But... that's not what you're asking. <P>Now that we're divorced and I'm remarried, he very MUCH regrets not trying with me. He has called me several times over the last year and told me specific incidences that he regrets -- how he slapped my hand when I held it out to him, for example. I didn't remember some of the things he did, but he had plenty of time to think, and 20 years to think about. So, yes, he regrets a LOT.<P>I do not regret divorcing him. I feel bad for him, still care about him, and want him to be happy (if that's not too much to ask) but I am with someone who has not cheated on me, hurt me, left me, pulled-dragged-slapped me, or abused me in any way. There's something to be said for that.<P>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Nyneve:<BR><B>I filed for divorce from him, after several separations, and I met someone else, too soon. THAT'S my regret - the "too soon" part. But... that's not what you're asking.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P><I>I'm</I> asking! What did you regret about meeting someone too soon? How do you think you know when you're ready?

I met him too soon because morally (even though the divorces were "in the works") they were not over. I struggle with that aspect.<P>As far as knowing I was ready -- well, I guess that several things were in play -- my marriage was over long before the divorce was filed; I just didn't want it to be. I had a decision to make, did I take what was being offered by my then-H, or not. I chose not to accept it, and moved on.<P>I have my own demons, one of which was the desire "not to be alone" and have talked that one to death, both with a therapist, and here on these boards. <P>That I actually did fall in love with a good man who actually did marry me and we actually do have the support of everyone concerned in our lives is a bit of a miracle, I think. <P>Again, I almost hate to write things sometimes (but it doesn't stop me ) because I do not want anyone to think I did things the "universally" or "Harley" **right** way. I didn't.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Nyneve:<BR><B>I met him too soon because morally (even though the divorces were "in the works") they were not over. I struggle with that aspect.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>if you're marriage was over before the divorce was filed, why do you feel that you met the other guy too soon morally? were you already separated from your previous h when you met the om and was your h continuing his affair?<BR>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by confusedpuppy:<BR><B> if you're marriage was over before the divorce was filed, why do you feel that you met the other guy too soon morally? were you already separated from your previous h when you met the om and was your h continuing his affair?</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Yes, the marriage was over, and yes, my then-H was still in the affair, and yes again, we were separated from our spouses when we met.... but the divorce was not FINAL, and I hadn't had a proper amount of time to grieve the loss of the marriage, so for THOSE THINGS I am sorry. <P>Listen, and I must be careful how I say this:<P>There are more than a few in real life who believe that because our marriages were over, divorces final or not, we were free and clear to meet someone else. Both our families, and all of our friends, believed that our marriages were OVER, and welcomed each other fully.<P>And then there is this board, where it is believed that because our divorces were NOT YET final, our marriages were NOT YET OVER. They still had a chance, or something along those lines, not to mention the MORAL aspect. To many here, our relationship was an AFFAIR.<P>For me, because the question has been asked, it happened too soon, and for that I have regrets. I wish we'd had a year or two apart first, before we met. However, we DIDN'T, and although I regret our beginnings, I do not regret our present -- a safe, loving marriage.<p>[This message has been edited by Nyneve (edited June 27, 2001).]

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Nyneve:<BR><B> There are more than a few in real life who believe that because our marriages were over, divorces final or not, we were free and clear to meet someone else. Both our families, and all of our friends, believed that our marriages were OVER, and welcomed each other fully.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>i'm in agreement that you were in the clear already. in your heart and mind the marriage was over. just because some piece of paper hasn't been signed doesn't mean you're committed to someone still, especially when that person's with someone else.<P>i'm a little lost because i haven't followed your whole story but if you have such a good marriage now with the other guy you met, what are you doing on this forum? is it because others here felt that you had an affair? how long were you separated before you met your present h?<P>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by confusedpuppy:<BR><B> i'm a little lost because i haven't followed your whole story but if you have such a good marriage now with the other guy you met, what are you doing on this forum? is it because others here felt that you had an affair? how long were you separated before you met your present h?<BR></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>We were separated for a year, off an on, but six months the last time, before I met my current H.<P>I am here because I've been here throughout the process -- and I have friends here, and also, and mostly, because I feel I have something to offer those just beginning the process, as well as those struggling. I pretty much stay away from Recovery, because they don't need my help. But I do reach out to newbies and post to threads where I can either have some fun (like many on the D/D and EN's boards) or when I can offer insight (like this thread). <P>My name was new_beginning, and actually here's a link that will lead you to my entire story: <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum34/HTML/002352.html" TARGET=_blank> A place to begin</A> In this link, there is another link (on my original post) and it will tell the last bit of the story before I left to be with my current H. You should be able to know WAAAAAAAAAAAY more than you ever wanted to know about me by viewing this link.<P>Best wishes, and ask any questions you have -- I am here.<P><BR>