Hi everybody - it has been a while since I have been here and at the request of 2 great friends, I wanted to stop by and post an update as to where the never-ending road of divorce has been leading me.<P>As far as the technicalities are concerned, it has been 3 months since D day. Monies owed to X have been paid in-full (ouch) - Ended up having to put my tail between my legs and ask parents to lend me quite a bit of money. It was either that or sell the house - something I really did not want to do. By the way, parents are great - they really are. Growing up I never needed to ask for much (although they always provided just what me and my brother and sister needed). I was lucky enough to have parents who believed in sending and paying for a college education for all 3 of us. For that I will be eternally grateful. (And often tell them just that!).<P>About 8 months ago when it looked like I might not be able to keep the house, my father called me up. As I cried (yeah the big baby I was) he proceeded to tell me that it was very, very important to both he and my mom that I keep a hold of the house no matter what. They knew how much blood, sweat and tears I put into it over the past five years and I guess they figured that while they could not take away my pain, they could help give me some piece of mind so that I could "get through all of this". He told me that whatever I needed to "borrow" to keep the house, he would lend me. I don't know if they will ever really know how much that meant and forever will mean to me. I only hope that one day I get the chance to be that same type of parent.<P>As far as the X is concerned. I have received 2 emails from her. She keeps referring to the anullment and asking what she needs to do to help. Honestly, she doesn't need to do anything - and I don't want her to do anything for me ever again. So I simply ignored the emails. Don't get me wrong, if I ever see "any" sign of my "wife" returning, I would be willing to at least explore my feelings to see if there was anyway we could reconcile. But who she is now, is a stranger to me and as such that is how I will continue to treat her.<P>Rumors are still circulating around town about us. One client I have told one of my employees that it sounded like my X "dumped me and ran off with a sailor". Whether she is living with a sailor out in CA, I don't know - nor do I really care to know. I can only hope that she took some time to be alone since we separated to "learn" and grow. But from her past track record I know the odds of that happening are very small. Tom from here sent me a few chapters from the book "If the Buddha had dated" and one chapter really stood out - It explored the issue of "fusion vs. differentiation" and it was so eery how my X and I each fit into a different category - There is no doubt that she was fused into our relationship, while even though I was very much a part of our relationship, I held on to my independence (at least in the beginning of our marriage). But once things began to go "South" I found myself becoming fused as well.<P>I have been on my own now for about a year and a half and spent a great deal of that time learning about who I am as a person and what I want to become.<P>Now the "not so proud of" stuff. Over the past several weeks, summer has set in down here at the beach. I began to "go out" to a few bars just to get myself out of the house and meet some new people. And I have done just that. Unfortunately I have made some "mistakes" in ending up with a couple different women at the end of the night. Would you believe that I feel like I am "cheating" on my Xwife? I am still so torn about this issue and end up thinking about it almost everyday. At the same time I have never been a "one night stand" kind of guy. It is all so "new".<P>It really is just as confusing on this side of the divorce as it was when I was married. I feel this incredible need to want to meet someone special but I also feel this guilt as well. I often wonder if these thoughts plague her as well?<P>I have found myself missing her a little more over the past couple weeks, but I think it is a combination of my business taking some "hits" and the financial pressures of having a house (and employees). Seems like whenever I get depressed about anything, I often find myself missing her as well. At first I couldn't understand why out of the blue I would begin missing her, but once I figured out I miss her when anything in my life is going wrong, I am better able to deal with the sadness.<P>I do want to apologize for not stopping by more often - Work has really taken a hit with this economy and I have been forced to focus much more of my time towards that. I feel like once the "financial" aspects of this divorce are over, I may truly be able to find my sense of balance once again.<P>But as always, the roller-coaster continues to go...<P>Hope everyone is doing well here. I will make an effort to read through some posts just to see how everybody is doing.<P>Daily I pray for patience and perseverence, not just for me, but for all here at MB.<P>God Bless,<BR>Mike<P>------------------<BR>God always waits for the right time to do the right thing in the right way.

Mike,<BR>I understand your confusion. My counselor told me that my ex had done enough to me. If I could never trust him again, even if he became trustworthy, then that would be ok. But I don't feel ok about it. Every time I go out on a date, I wonder if I would just wait a little more, he might come around.<BR>But I have also become cynical. Deciding that people do not change. So there is nothing to wait for.<BR>Some people have counseled me about the time it takes to get over divorce. Mostly the lowest amount of time that people tell me is two years... and more if the marriage was longer than 10 years. So don't be too hard on yourself.<BR>Of course, if I understand you correctly, one night stands are dangerous... if not socially, physically. So I would advise you against that.<BR>Otherwise, give yourself a break and have some time alone yourself. <BR>Praying for you,<BR>Nora

Mike-<BR>Don't get down on yourself too bad for what you do during this period of self discovery. I have found myself doing things I NEVER thought I would ever do in many areas of my life, many of which I am ashamed of, are not comfortable with, and will never do again (the liasons of which you mention for example). But then I remember that I just had a new identity thrust upon me, and, well, I am still not sure what he heck it is, so I forgive myself and learn from it. <BR> <BR>I also can understand your "missing" of your wife when other things are going wrong in your life. When you are alone, you have to face all the demons alone. All the tragedies and everything else are now being carried by one, not two. My life seems like it is spinning out of control sometimes, and I miss the support, love, and comfort of my ex's presence and remember such wonderful things about him. <P>As far as the guilt, boy do I know what you mean. Sometimes when I feel like expressing my feelings toward the one I am with now, I feel a quick pang of guilt--like I am betraying my ex. It is hard to think of telling someone else you love them when you said it to the same person everyday for seven years. It is only fleeting feeling, but it is enough to make me think twice and remember where I came from. <P>Your feelings of treating your ex like a stranger also makes sense. The person she is now is unfamiliar to you and will probably continue to become so because not only of the changes you saw in her but also because of the new identity you are forming. Eventually, I think many people get to a point when they THEMSELVES are transformed into someone new and the old relationship cannot fulfill them because there has been no nurishment and healthy growth of the relationship. <P>It is glad to see you back, and I hope you stick around!<P>

Nora,<BR>I fully understand where you are coming from and I realize some of the things I have done are/were dangerous on more than one level. You know in some ways it feels like I am a little kid again "don't touch the stove, its hot" but I go ahead and do it anyways. Everyday seems to bring with it a new possibility for some kind of learning about myself, about relationships, even about my marriage. I'll just keep on going, I guess.<P>gsd,<BR>Sometimes it is almost as if I have a checklist of things that I think will make me feel better - I try them and realize they don't, so I cross them off and keep moving down the list. For over a year and a half I have been "standing still" - For some reason it just feels like I am now supposed to begin moving again - testing - trying - experimenting (within reason).<P>And you are so right about the "lack of support" in my life. I mean my family and friends are and have been incredible, but it is not the same as my wife. She knew more about me than anyone in this world - she could sense when I was upset - just being around her would cheer me up sometimes, when the world was knocking me down. I guess this is just another learning experience for you and me alike - to face things by ourselves all the while becoming stronger for the effort. I read somewhere about the tallest and strongest trees - They are not found in the middle of the forest where it is peaceful and calm, they are usually found standing by themselves out in the open where they face the full brunt of the winds and storms that come.... So maybe many of us here are meant to resemble the mightiest of trees....<P>And the guilt - ugh! I have actually caught myself sabotaging conversations I have had with lovely young women because I began to feel guilty. What is even worse is all the people who keep telling me that my X does not know what she is leaving behind and that she will return. It is one thing for me to have these thoughts every now and again, but when others are constanly throwing it into conversations it really stinks...<P>Mike<P>------------------<BR>God always waits for the right time to do the right thing in the right way.

Mike<P>I have gone thru the exact same feelings and I think we all do things that are a bit "out of character" for us, while going thru that self discovery process.<P>I would guess its almost common more often than not that we rebel in certain ways after what we've been thru.<P>That chapter you are referring to sounds very interesting, I've seen a few others from the book and plan on getting it soon.<P>Good luck, keep strong and take it one day at a time.<BR>Dana