I don't really know why I am posting this message, i feel lost and hurt and don't really have much joy in anything anymore, i went and got a psychologist and im taking zoloft to keep me from feeling depressed. <P> I love my wife, she has taught me more about myself than i ever thought i would learn. i have only been married for a year and a half, im barely 24 years old, ive got a good job, i have 4.0 gpa, im not drug addict, why is this happening to me?.<P> My wife and i knew each other for six days when we got married and two weeks later she spent the night with her ex-boyfriend and said she was drunk and she was sorry, a year later she admitted she slept in the same bed with him but they were fully dressed. My wife is an alcoholic, or at least a drug addict, we both did drugs when we meet, we meet at a rave, which is a place where the younger crowd goes and does drugs like ecstacy. well after we got married i decided it was time to quit taking drugs and before we got married she told me if i ever needed her to stop, just to ask. well i did ask 4 months into our marriage and her answer was that she lied. She was physicaly abusive to me, she tried to gouge my eyes out once and that prompted my psychology teacher at the college to want to speak with me after class and i have been seeing her ever since. My wife got pregnant and tells me she was getting an abortion and she knew that i thought that was murder and she hadn't even taken a pregnancy test yet. She must have really wanted to hurt me. I don't know what i did to her to deserve all of that. Finally it all goes down one night when i'm getting off from my second job and i get home to find marijuanna roaches all over the house and we had agreed that there would be no smoking of any kind in the house anymore because of my stepdaughter 7, my wife was married before, this is my first marriage. well anyway i got to this pool party where my pregnant wife is hanging out drinking and doing drugs and tell her that we need to talk and she tells me that she isn't going anywhere and that her mother is on the way there ( her mother is the anti-christ an alcoholic a drug addict and an extremely promiscious woman whom has been married 5 times). well finally i get my wife out to her car where she decides she is going to assault me and curse me and tell me she hates me and im trying to tell her that i love her and that she is feeling bad because she is using drugs and she would rather abort our child than give up that way of life and finally i took so much of a beating i guess i don't really know but i snapped i decided she was leaving and that was that so i hit her in the back of her head about 3 times and drug her to my preachers house thinking he could help us. i just wanted to help her and i know what i did was wrong, but i forgave her for so many things, adultry, emotional abandonment. i mean my wife went out drinkin 5 times a week and her best friend was never me it was some drug dealer guy name w.j. whom i heard praise about everyday the last 3 months of a our marriage and now she is with him i think because she came to church to sundays ago holding his hand.<BR>i guess im probably writting to much for anyone to care to read but i feel like it is the end of the world and no goodbye or farewell letter is ever going to get my wife back and even if it did she wouldn't make me happy, or at least that is what my couselor tells me, and that i'm co-dependent and so on and so forth. anyone?

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR> why is this happening to me?.<P> My wife and i knew each other for six days when we got married[/B]<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>The second line is the answer to the first line. <P>She was a bad choice. Better luck next time.

<small>[ August 08, 2004, 02:18 PM: Message edited by: laura_lee ]</small>

<<<B>i took so much of a beating i guess i don't really know but i snapped i decided she was leaving and that was that so i hit her in the back of her head about 3 times and drug her to my preachers house thinking he could help us.</B>>><P>{{{{{joconnor2001}}}}}<P>Sounds like self defense to me, sweetie. <P>I'm so sorry your wife is such a nut case. Maybe you're codependent, but I think you're working really hard to do the right thing and turn your life around. You have a moral conscience, and that's admirable. Do you think you have a viable future with Hellcat?<P>She doesn't sound like the type who wants to change for the good of the family unit. She's manipulative. You described an addict who cares only about herself and her needs. As long as she is drinking and using, you will never come first in her life. It's a sad fact I had to come to terms with myself a while ago, and one I'm not completely comfortable with. You're a battered spouse--emotionally, verbally, and physically. You have grounds to file an injuction (restraining order). Later on, if you do find yourself in family court disputing the terms of a divorce, her injunction could weigh in your favor. Judges hate domestic violence. <P>I'm worried about the baby, if she is in fact pregnant. The infant could be born addicted or worse, with fetal alcohol syndrome. With all that substance abuse, a miscarriage would be a blessing in disguise. Also the 7-year old--how is her father? Is he in better shape to care for the child? Do you have access to him?<P>You have some serious issues on your plate that need to go to triage right now. Decide first if your marriage can be saved, and if your wife is apt to change her ways (doesn't really sound like it, does it?). What do you want to do? Which direction do you want to go in? You are <I>so young</I>. You have your whole life ahead of you, but right now I'm not sure you have one in your present circumstances. You sound like a nice kid who made some bad choices, and you will have to be the one to shoulder the responsibility alone to change your course.<P>Blessings,<BR>Nell <P>

just replied to this in case anyone might want to have the history. and i guess i'd like more feedback please.

JoConnor,<P>I didn't see this thread before. You have two screen names, so I missed it. <P>Like somebody said if you knew her 6 days when you married, well - you didn't know her at all. I knew my w for 18 months before we married and I didn't know her either - not really. People are amazingly complex. You are just starting to get to know her now. I'm guessing she is older than you - if she has a 7 year old - unless she had her daughter when she was 16 or 17.<P>I'm beginning to form this image of you two. Your W goes from one thing to the next without even looking where she is going - just trying one thing after another with no limits on herself. Probably she grew up without any dicipline. You came along. You didn't know that. You thought she was like you - that when she told you that you were the most wonderful etc. etc., that it really was true. You didn't reallized that she had been telling guys that since she was 15 and you were only one in a long string. She learned it from her Mom. Her Mom didn't care if she was sleeping with every guy when she was 14-15 - maybe even gave her some "advice" on how to hook them. Hey, this is just me reading between the lines. So, you got YOUR image of her fixed in your mind - a snapshot taken of a fast-moving subject - during those 6 days - 6, shall we say dramaticly, "fateful" days - that set your course in life. Who suggested marriage? I'm guessing it was she - just something to try again. How long was she married the first time?<P>You? I don't have so clear an image of you. 4.0 average. Good job, but into the drug scene. What kind of family did you grow up in? I'm guessing your parents stayed together, but you didn't have very many rules or structure. They let you do what you wanted. You are an only child. This is just my guess. Tell us about yourself, OK Jo?<P>-AD<P>

AD<P><BR> Well AD your right about most of your assumptions except that i was an only child i have two sisters and am the middle child. My parents never cared what i did because they didn't care to do anything but beat me anyway. I have pretty much decided to limit my contact with them since it is hard for me to speak with them for fear that they are manipulating me or what not. They are on medication now, my mother is diagnosed bi-polar and my father well i have no idea but he had mental problems and seems better now, i think in his case it was probably just my mother coming around and him growing up, and me not being there anymore. I feel alone in the world now, I have a couple of friends but no one in my life that i think would attend my funeral if i died tomorrow except my parents who would be there for nothing more than to sop up in thier grief. I grew to enjoy pain when i was younger and i don't take drugs anymore i have maybe smoked weed 10 times since me and my wife got married and went the first 9 months of our marriage without taking any drugs except the first month and a half when we were still into the drug scene, or when i was anyway since she still is. I've smoked weed within the last month so obviously i have a drug problem too and im aware of that but i also know that i don't use drugs everyday and i know they are wrong and i know they are partly responsible for bringing my marriage to where it is now. I don't really remember who suggested marriage, life was a blur then. My wife is two years older than me and made it a point in marriage to tell me how inmature i was almost everyday, i had never heard my name and inmaturity used in a sentence before i married her and in any case hadn't heard my name and maturity of any form mentioned in at least 4 years. Maturity wasn't something i thought about anymore. Still isn't that tells me how ridiculous things were but that doesn't change the fact that i married her. The right road is usually the hard road and i know it would be easier for me to give up, use drugs again and flush my life down the toilet where im comfortable. the hard road, well is very hard for me right now, i dropped two classes at college this quarter because i couldn't motivate myself to do my schoolwork, or at least thats the excuse i gave myself, fact of the matter was i didn't care and half of the day now i still don't, nobody ever cared about me, my wife never loved me, i don't love me or so my psychologist says, and i say piss on all of that i'll find love half the time and the other half id rather drive my car into a bridge or my life back into a blur. Probably shouldn't share all of this with yall, don't get scared im gonna hurt myself or nothin i went through that when i was living with my parents, i'll never make that choice again im just sharing my thoughts and feelings, my intentions and goals are to graduate college find true love (hopefully with my wife) raise a family, children, better myself, .... that list goes on forever and i know the other list stops, suddenly stops. Just hate to see my marriage suddenly stopping. Wish i was a better person with less emotional baggage <P> take a handful of hope and a handful of s#!T, and see which one wieghs more. <P><BR>Honestly i think kicking her to the curb is the only way for me to rise to the next level, to be able to rise above the fog and see the light, i guess im self sacraficing again, a nice habit my parents taught me, part of me would rather be here grieving the pain than moving on.

I'm going to be blunt, and sorry joconnor, I don't want to offend you, but this stares me right in the face... and I don't EVER recommend this!!!<P>No! NO! NO! Moving on is not a bad thing...if that's truly the only way you can cope. For a lot of us here it isn't, but if you KNOW in your heart that there is absolutely, positively NO HOPE then dismiss it. Gosh you only knew her for six days before you were married. If you had not married her, what would you have done in this situation differently? I'll bet you would have dismissed it already.<P>You sound like you had a hard hard life. Don't you deserve some happiness? Do you need this s***? Sorry, but I still recommend Plan B, cut yourself off until she can get over this, and that may be never, just like all of us here who have another person in the background. Your other person predominantly takes the form of drugs.<P>And do yourself a favour, stop the smoking. Find some other outlet to release the tension. Up your anti-d's even, to get you over this.<P>Sorry, but that's how I see it.<P>Nina

JOCONNOR:<BR>_____________________________<BR>Your Quote:<BR>"nobody ever cared about me" <BR>_____________________________<P>Do you know that God loves you and cares about you very much and he is ALWAYS there for you. All he asks is that you come to him and open your heart and mind and let him in. He can bring you so much comfort during this time of pain and also direction for your future. All you have to do is ask.<P>I'm sorry for your pain.<P>

JoConnor,<P>Thanks for opening up to us.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B><BR>I feel alone in the world now, I have a couple of friends but no one in my life that i think would attend my funeral if i died tomorrow except my parents who would be there for nothing more than to sop up in thier grief. </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I know the feeling. I think everybody feels like that occasionally - even if it's not really true. Still, I think you've identified something to work on. You're still in college. Are there any classmates that have been friendly - that you can maybe establish some friendhips with? Is there any chance of connecting with your sisters?<P>I know it's hard. My best friend (for 20 years) moved to another state. I've visited him once since then - talked on the phone a few times and every now and then do email. That's not much. My sister doesn't talk to anybody in the family (or anybody else really) and lives on food stamps I guess - since she never worked a job more than 6 months in her life. My brother is OK, works 6 days a week, has a son. I see them occationally, but we're not close - though we live in the same town. I haven't talked to my brother about my marriage problems, tho I do talk to my friend about them. The guys at church know that I lost my job, and maybe they suspect the marriage problem - since my W has only been to church with me once in the last 3 months. So, I too have little local support. I probably should talk to the guys at church - but I don't want to be a topic of gossip. The guys at work - well, only two of them seem to care - ate lunch with one of them on a Saturday. I think he was embarrassed to talk to me because he knows that was doing a lousy job and was asked to leave. So, why am I saying that you need to get together with some friends? We both need to do that.<P>I think you are right to keep up trying to do the right thing - and hope that you can restore your marriage. If you are able to do that - and make a good marriage out of this mess, you will feel GREAT - like you can do ANYTHING. I'm not saying you have to beat yourself to death trying, just go for awhile and see what happens.<P>You wrote a list of things you have to do. I've got a list too - and I'm not doing mine either. Right at this very moment I'm supposed to be looking for a job. So, both of us need to set some priorities. A list of 50 things to do is not much use. A list of 3 things to do, or even 2 or one is much more useful. Think about it. I will too.<P>-AD<P>

AD <P> Thanx for the encouragement, don't tell the guys at church, i made that mistake and everyone at church knows about my problems, not that i care.<P> I ain't to talkative today i got drunk on my lunchbreak so i feel pretty good think im gonna go smoke a cigarette and take a day of recess, just one no drinkin from now on but i'm glad i did it today, no wonder my wife left me huh? i got the self discipline of a [censored].

Oh come on, Joconnor, and SHE has self discipline? C'mon man, you're young I know, but drinking and getting wasted is the liquid equivalent of the drugs - escape - and you know it, judging from your post.<P>Pull it together. You're on anti-d's aren't you, so you should NOT be drinking...it's a very dangerous combination.<P>Try to get yourself together enough to talk to someone personally. You really need to. It helps, believe me!<P>I really feel for you!<P>((((((((((((((((((((Joconnor))))))))))))))))))))

thanx for the hug nina<BR> cigarette calmed me down, i guess i'll try to share myself a little more see if talking about this makes me feel any better.<P><BR> I think im stuck between a rock and a hard place,(btw i won't drink or use drugs anymore, i know i can do it and i know it is just an escape, i just wanted to escape today, problem is i know i can't today is still here, i know, i know i know, believe me i know) <P>I love my wife, I know she doesn't love me, i don't think she ever did and i'm not sure its possible for her ever too since she doesn't even love herself. But my wife is her own person and she is entitled to all the mistakes she is going to make, and i forgave her for all of her lives mistakes when i married her and to renig on that now would be wrong so i'm willing to forgive her for everything she has ever done. Problem is, i don't think she wants my forgiveness and even if she did, i'm not sure i could really actually ever forgive her. We havn't gotton along or had a marriage that i thought was the way it should be since the second week of marriage when she went and slept with her exboyfriend because she was drunk or whatever. I never forgave her for that because i never believed her that all they did was sleep in the same house together, with reason because a year later she tells me they actually slept in the same bed but nothing happened.<P> I feel that no matter what i shouldn't be filing for divorce, i should just wait for eternity or until she files because i don't believe in divorce. I know that i should ber filling to move on with my life but i have conflict between what i know and what i feel. I know that my wife was is a beautiful person, but i also know that she is caught in a life of drugs which she doesn't see anything wrong with, and why should she since her mother is a drug addict too? Her mother was the one encouraging her to have an abortion, im sure that was because "misery loves company" and her mothers been divorced 5 times and over the last year has had like 7 "men". <P> The zoloft is helping a lot but i don't want to be on it forever just like i don't want to take drugs forever.<P> All i want is a wife that loves me, some kids, and a way to support them. Not a whole lot of goals, but that is all i really need to be happy.<P> Try being 24 and finding somebody in this world who is your age that isn't screwed up in the head, a drug addict, or ambitionless. I know that when you stubbed your toe in 1970 it felt the same as it does in 2001 and that the only thing that has changed is technology, social culture has changed some but a toe stub is a toe stub. <P> I can hear myself telling me to quit my whinning and go get what i want, i just feel so guilty that means leaving her behind and not trying to help her anymore. I love her.

hey everybody,<P> Well i guess i went and slipped off the edge of the earth last night. I broke, i went out and spent about 800 dollars yesterday drinking. I feel calm today somehow like i found peace with myself. I am not concerned about the money, i got court on friday and i don't feel stressed about that, I think i just feel ready, im done. I appreciate everyones help and everyone who listened to my story. I think im ready to quit my whinning, drop my baggage and step on the plane. Wherever that plane is going is fine with me because i'll make it better than where ive been because i know i can't run from problems anymore, sometimes we just have to accept things the way they are because some things are like the mountains, they just are. I am done drinking, done smoking and done doing everything else that i know is bad for me, i'm stepping off the plane of guilt and self sacrafice, and from now on i am truely in pursuit of happiness.<P> Breaking through and<BR> Wishing everyone luck,<BR> <BR> John.

John,<P>Well, I hope you stick to it, becaue the road you've travelled so far hasn't brought you any happiness. You can only go up now. You are lucky. You're young, and you're smart and you're clean. Don't get dragged into the gutter by other people's baggage. Even if she is your wife. I think you KNOW what the right thing is....and you are doing it. Let someone else pick up the pieces of her life. <P>Let's face it, you married after only six days of knowing her, so you DIDN'T know her at all. Hey, I was with my H for seven years before we married, and it turns out I didn't know him either!!! BUT I thought I did.<P>Move on man, I hope you still check in with us and let us know how you are!