I've posted here some before, so i won't go into the details. We have only been separated two weeks, and I have been working hard to focus on me, knowing i cannot control her. She is in the 'the love is gone' 'not sure what i want, need some space' place now. No affair involved.<P>We had a good talk on issues the other night, and I came away at least a little encouraged. She initiated it. Said she liked the counselor last week, which surprised me because I had the opposite impression. But, it was with caveat that it will help us communicate better even if we diovorce. I have heard some shift in her from divorce is inevitable to 'if'. I see this as at least a mildly positive sign. I think that going to counseling will surely help, even a little, regardless of why she is there.<P>I crashed mentally driving to work this morning. I miss her so-all the little things as well as the big ones. I want to go and beg her to let me come back, tell her how I have changed (I have), what I understand now (I do see more), that we CAN make it work. But, I know that this will have precisely the opposite effect. Before we split, I sent her some cards, letters, flowers, which proved to be an LB for her.<P>My gut tells me to be patient, Plan A when i can, give the counseling some time, and let this thing take its course.<P>But right now it is just so hard to look down the road. These last two weeks seem like two years.<P>I have learned lots here, and i think i am doing all i can for me, knowing i can't control her.<P>I just need somebody to say i'm doing the right things.<P>Thanks.

Some folks have mentioned "Should I Stay Or Should I Go" a book about controlled separation ... if your separation isn't controlled, I would imagine it's out of control. So it might do some good to find out what is meant by "controlled".

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by ANB3:<BR>...Said she liked the counselor last week, which surprised me because I had the opposite impression. But, it was with caveat that it will help us communicate better even if we diovorce. I have heard some shift in her from divorce is inevitable to 'if'. I see this as at least a mildly positive sign. I think that going to counseling will surely help, even a little, regardless of why she is there.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>That is true, it will, so keep going, and count yourself among the lucky ones that your wife still wants to go. Mine wants a divorce, but still wants to go to counseling. A lot of people posting here have spouses who just want to completely withdraw.<P>Don't try to psycho-analyzer her (the "if" vs. the inevitable divorce, for instance). It hit me like a ton of bricks about a month ago that I have lost the ability to understand my wife's actions. They don't make sense to me. So, instead of psycho-analyzing them, explaning them away, or just railing at how senseless they seem, I have made it my goal now to understand them, from her perspective, as much as she will open up to me. I have my theories on how she came to feel the way she feels, but so what? I need to understand how she believes she came to feel that way.<P>I just came back from our counselor. My wife talked for about 30 minutes about how dependent on me she had come to feel, how that made her feel less of a person. It hurt to hear, even though she wasn't blaming me, but it was good to hear, because I know her that much better now. Counseling will either give us the tools to get back together, or failing that, to understand better the mistakes we made. Either outcome is valuable.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>I crashed mentally driving to work this morning. I miss her so-all the little things as well as the big ones. I want to go and beg her to let me come back, tell her how I have changed (I have), what I understand now (I do see more), that we CAN make it work. But, I know that this will have precisely the opposite effect. Before we split, I sent her some cards, letters, flowers, which proved to be an LB for her.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Same here. I have up and down days- sometimes, up and down hours. Remember what you wrote here: the actions you want to take when you're down are known LB's; others that might occur to you in down cycles probably are as well.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>My gut tells me to be patient, Plan A when i can, give the counseling some time, and let this thing take its course.<P>But right now it is just so hard to look down the road. These last two weeks seem like two years.<P>I have learned lots here, and i think i am doing all i can for me, knowing i can't control her.<P>I just need somebody to say i'm doing the right things.<P>Thanks.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Let me be the first. You're doing the right things. I've found the right things aren't easy. In every other field of human endevour, I've found that the easy things aren't as satisfying as the right things, so I have to believe it's the same way in marriage. It would be easier to throw up my hands and quit. But it wouldn't be right, and it wouldn't make me happy.<P>When I first slowed my wife down on her move-out plan, by suggesting counseling, or a retreat, or just a weekend away by ourselves, several people told us "counseling takes so long, it's very frustrating; do Retrovaille or Marriage Encounter and get moving again." One person even suggested Retrovaille because "people come out of it knowing they can stay together or knowing they should divorce." (That person is divorced- that should have been a warning to me.) <B>But there is no quick fix- you (and I) have to be prepared to stick with this for the long haul.</B> I don't mean to belittle your pain- I know your two weeks feels like two years. I know that because my five months feels like a lifetime, and I know that the earliest my wife will return to me would be a year from now. <P>If there was a quick fix, my wife and I would be together and happy by now, because I said all the right things to her right away when our troubles started. The problem is, saying you'll change doesn't count as much as living that change. She'll have to see it to believe it.<P>I second the recommendation of "Should I Stay or Go?" - an excellent book. <P>Keep the faith, friend, you are not alone in this.<p>[This message has been edited by dabigtrain (edited July 31, 2001).]

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>I crashed mentally driving to work this morning. I miss her so-all the little things as well as the big ones. I want to go and beg her to let me come back, tell her how I have changed (I have), what I understand now (I do see more), that we CAN make it work. But, I know that this will have precisely the opposite effect. Before we split, I sent her some cards, letters, flowers, which proved to be an LB for her.<P>My gut tells me to be patient, Plan A when i can, give the counseling some time, and let this thing take its course.<P>But right now it is just so hard to look down the road. These last two weeks seem like two years.<P>I have learned lots here, and i think i am doing all i can for me, knowing i can't control her.<P>I just need somebody to say i'm doing the right things.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>ANB3,<P>Come here. {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{ANB3}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}<BR>It is hard to look down the road, isn't it? It's hard to be patient and loving and understanding when you are dying NOW, right? Well, let me tell you something. You are doing the right thing. You are on the right track. It's just that the track may be a little longer than you want it to be. <P>I can testify that this is not easy and it hurts like hell. I can also testify that the road back to recovery and loving each other is long, BUT IT CAN BE DONE! Don't give up! You can do it!<P>You are right about going to her and begging her to come back--that would have the effect of looking needy and clingy. And as an attempt to explain how cards and flowers can be an LB, let me tell you my own experience. There was a major LB, Anger, that was not just hurting me, but it was harming me and slowly killing me. That's why I eventually separated--because I did not deserve to be yelled at that harshly. Anyway, while the LB was continuing, my H did at times bring me flowers, buy me roses or get me cards; but a short time thereafter, he would yell. It was a little like a sieve--the LB of ANGER was all the holes in the sieve, and every time he would rage toward me, more and larger holes would be created. So he would bring me flowers and stuff, and they would fall through the holes. Not that they didn't count, but the anger was such a big negative that the positive things just kept the "love balance" at zero or a slowly declining negative. NOW, if he really wanted the positive things to count, he would stop/eliminate the BIG NEGATIVE! Does this make any sense at all? #1-He could continue to do the BIG negative, but then the positives he would have to do to build the "love balance" would be so many, that he would get tired and give up. -OR- #2-He could stop the BIG negative, and then the couple of positives would add up and start to build the "love balance". <P>So, ANB3, don't get discouraged! You can do this! If you want to be three miles ahead of the others and 6 months ahead too, for that matter, find out what the BIG negative is from your wife. The hard part is going to be being quiet and letting her tell you. By now, she probably has such a high wall built that it's going to take some patience and reassurance on your part that she is safe to tell you. If you can find that out, and if you are willing to STOP doing the big negative, I'll bet you'll be able to win her back. <P>YOU CAN DO THIS!!<P>CJ<P>------------------<BR>Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.

Guys-thanks so much. I have been prowling this site about one month, and i really feel some of very best friends right now are here on this site.<P>Train and Faithful especially, i know you have both responded to my posts before-thanks again, and thanks for the words. It all makes sense. And Sis, I did read Stay or Go, tried to get S to read it also. We actually agreed to most everything in the plan without much animosity.<P>Faithful, your words really resonate with me. Anger is one of my problems-I get angry, shut down, withdraw. I know it is a big part of why she is where she is now. I have gotten in much closer touch with this part of me, started to fell the anger rising, and to question it. Therapy and Alanon have really helped here.<P>I struggle with the working on me part-I can feel a difference-she even said on the phone the other night that I sounded different, better. What i don't know is how to show her from a distance. Counseling is a good place, i guess, and we do have frequent if faairly short contact on kid logistics.<P>You have all helped recenter. I know I have to live in today. It's just that those ugly visions of a divorced future creep in every now and then.<P>Peace my friends.