I attended a Divorce/Separation/Recovery seminar today at a church in my town - not my regular church, but one nearby. It was called "When the Vows Break".<P>I almost turned around to go back home three times before finally arriving for the seminar. What would I say? Would my situation be different? Could others look at me and say "I know why he left her?" I really feel like my self esteem is under a rock at the bottom of a mud-hole somewhere. <P>Most of my posts have been in the recovery section under infidelity since I began posting around January of this year. I have been struggling with my marriage for the past year and a half - I had a brief affair with a co-worker that has been over for about a year now. Husband didnt want to know and we never truly discussed it; nor would he discuss with me his on-line dating that I discovered. He and I were plagued with communication problems - one after another. Still, I cannot seem to let go of this marriage, and he doesnt want to work on it. What am I holding onto? Please tell me???? The goals/dreams??? I guess. <P>I spent the entire day with other attendees - mainly women - all discussing everything from drug abuse, verbal and physical abuse; how they too tried to keep their marriages together. There was also a very sweet and beautiful young lady my same age. She has three children all under the age of nine; her husband is a local attorney and he just decided in March of this year that he doesnt want to be married anymore. She is still devistated but she is a few months ahead of me, however - her tears still flow and her feelings are as raw as mine. I looked at her and thought - how could a man not want her? I wanted to cry for her too it was a whole-kleenex box kinda day.<P>But...You know what? I figured out today that no matter how we all arrived together today at that same place, our pain as a group is very real and the same. We all shared our recovery (although mine was newer than the others and I didnt have anything which could help) - just almost four weeks now. I was almost speechless most of the day and just listened.<P>One key point the facilitator of the seminar warned us about is dating and dating too soon; he said that you should wait one full year for every four years of marriage before involving yourself in a serious relationship. He also warned us about seeing our X's when they could be seeing someone else. He said there is no such thing as SAFE SEX. Emotionally it counts too. The stats for divorce are about all marriages (first ones) 50% end in divorce; if it is the SECOND marriage, the stats go to 73% end in divorce and for THIRD marriages it is 84%. The stats are not looking better for us as a society. I cried more....(geeze).<P>They continued to the next topic - "forgiveness and loneliness" and Panic swept over me - not because I feel I need a man, but because I am reminded that I am 34 years old - rather late to be starting over when you want children, and husband and I never even tried. I feel like that I somehow know I will never know motherhood and the feeling of sadness is so overwhelming.<P>I cried again; suddenly the little progress I had made during the day felt so trivial, and I was again slapped in the face and the feeling of failure crept over me like the sun setting. I felt sick.<P>How long does the pain last - for those ahead of me? My husband told me on July 22 (Sunday) that he wanted to split; called realtor on Monday; Listed house Wednesday and moved out thursday. Ten days later he filed for divorce. It is happening way too fast. It is final on Oct 8.<P>My head is still in a tailspin and I cannot decide if I am beating the dead horse or if I am still waiting for him to come home, and if I even want him to come back or if I trust him at all... I cannot fathom how he could have considered this for (ready for this?? 2 WHOLE WEEKS) before letting me on this decision to go our separate ways while I have been struggling for over a year and a half???? <P>How long does it take to not keep reaching for him in the bed with me??? I cannot get used to being alone and the sadness is sooo much. When do you know that it isnt going to happen for sure? GOD! Please give me some answers that I can hold onto before I loose my mind.<P>I appreciate anyone who reads this - I am all over the place with this post as it is truly just an outpouring of my thoughts on this Saturday night. <P>As I heard someone say today - "...I feel so far in the pit that the only thing I can do is look up" and hopefully God will continue to look down on me as he has done for the past month. I will make it, but some days I sure have to wonder.<P>Scuba<P>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Scuba2:<BR><B>not because I feel I need a man, but because I am reminded that I am 34 years old - rather late to be starting over when you want children, and husband and I never even tried. I feel like that I somehow know I will never know motherhood and the feeling of sadness is so overwhelming.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I'm the husband in my marriage and I too am 34 and really want children. My wife is 30 and in 12 years we just never got around to it. I'm sure the pain is probably greater for you, but I too feel the potential of never knowing about being a parent.<P>Hang it there, we really aren't that old! <P><BR>

sad_but_true:<BR>I guess we arent THAT old, but I would love to be able to go back to being twenty years old and start over. I would have had children young - not worried so much about money and enjoyed being content a lot more often, and not frettin' the small stuff.<P>Thank you so much for your post.... <BR>Scuba<P><BR>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Scuba2:<BR><B>I would love to be able to go back to being twenty years old and start over. I would have had children young - not worried so much about money and enjoyed being content a lot more often, and not frettin' the small stuff.<BR></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I am so with you on that. I spent the last 6 years busting my butt to make more and provide more for my wife and our puppies and what has it gotten me? My wife left, in part because I wasn't paying enough attention to her. I am so ready to get off the speeding train to mid-life crisis and live the slow life in a small town. <P>It's one of my 1 year goals. Already know where, and I'll be a lot closer to family.<BR>

First you are far from over the hill and young enough to have children and begin a new and loving life with someone that can return your love. You don't realize how lucky you are that there are no children involved. Marriages need work all the time you need to be partners, friends and lovers all in one. This was not the one. Take what you can from this relationship and move on. I know it sounds easy but time does heal all wounds. You sound like a very beautiful lady, give yourself some time, happiness will follow. <BR>Say goodby to the man that gave it two weeks of thought and be ready to find your price charming. Smile , your husband did a good deed. Better now then later. Thank him .

I am so touched by your story. My husband left in May and I am in a similiar boat. For weeks I tried to get him back but I only pushed him farther away. I tried being nice but he was very angry and just got nasty and took me for granted. For the first several weeks, I was a basket case. I am still upset about things but I don't cry anymore or shake and I can think clearly again. What I did was I began working out at a local health club. I took some classes there too. I also went to my doctor and got some anti-depressant medication that also helps with sleep. Finally, I stopped all communication with him. I have been doing plan B (sort of) but didn't know about this site. Since I stopped talking to him, it really helped a lot. He can't play head games with me anymore. It's actually kind of funny because it's driving him crazy that I won't talk to him. Now I feel that I am in control of my life instead of him. I feel good about my body because I can see the results of working out. These things have all helped me. Oh and finally, find someone who you can talk to on a daily basis about your problems. If you have to, find a counselor. This site has helped me too. Read about plan A and B. For me, A didn't work too well, B is better probably because we were already separated by his doing. I wish you luck and if you want to read about my story, go to the title, "Need advise about divorce" under the divorce section. I've learned a lot in the short time I've been using this site.

That is pretty much standard fare, right down to the numbers. Depressing, ain't it? That gives me a whopping 6 years to deal with the lonliness. BTW, adding children to the mix only makes it worse, IMHO. My XW and I have four sons, and kids are the LB of last resort when you quit dancing to the WAS tune, so you are probably better off without the additional stress. It amounts to another thing that 'gets in between', and all of that.<P>I'll tell you this, about the third time I heard the same stuff, I decided that I would take care of this thing myself. I decided that anti-depressants were not my answer, and neither were support groups. We want the pain to subside, and all of that, but I decided that I would be better off going through this without that extra factor involved. It hurts like hell almost all the time, but I want to cut that 6 years short, I'm not going to let this ruin the second half of my life. Six Years? Are you kidding me? Where the hell does that number come from? I keep hearing it, and yet my XW didn't even wait for the divorce to get her new life going. Don't misunderstand me, I still think she's just lost in the fog, but when I think about the prospect of six years of <B>this</B> I say no way! I know better than to start anything now, but I'll not wait for six years, then I will be middle aged, and if I have another (<B>!</B>) lifelong committment, there will definitely be more children involved...that's part of the point of it to me...life and love...creating life with love.<P>Yes, Scuba2, this is an absolute raw deal, its hard to get to any good at all in it. What were some of the things that you 'gave up' on to committ to the marriage? Might be time to pick them up, dust them off, and get busy living <B>those</B> dreams...whaddaya think? -Mike

Dear Scuba, <BR> Hi, it was wonderful at the end of your post to hear you cry out to God for help. I am sure you know that you are not alone in all of this and hopefully that can be a small comfort. I want to tell you that October 8 is a little time away and I would suggest to you to do the only thing that you can do and that is pray for your husband, pray for the reconciliation of the marriage. It sounds like you both have made some damaging choices in your marriage, but that doesn't mean the marriage is over or dead because of bad choices (in every marriage, people make bad choices). If you truly look to God for comfort and wisdom in this, know that God keeps his promises regarding your covenant of marriage even when we don't. <BR> My story is this in a nut shell... Last August my husband filed for a divorce, he was having an affair - he then decided to work on the marriage (we inactivated the divorce in April). In May however, he began a new affair and has since reactivated the papers. It is very possible that he will go through with the D. It is my goal however to pray for him still and pray for reconciliation. He and I are now separated and so I continue to do that which I can separated.<BR> I hope that you are blessed with peace and strength these days to still be able to greet each day with a thankful heart because of the many blessings that you do have (your kids, family, friends...). Our husbands can break our spirit sometimes, but they fail when it comes to taking away our hope. <BR> Lastly, it sounds like you both have trouble when it comes to fighting, arguing, disagreeing, etc. I encourage you to work on yourself first, you are the only one that you can change. Ask God to give you a sweetness about you, a kind spirit with gentle and loving words. A friend told me some good advice once, she said, "let him continue to talk even if you disagree and want to interrupt and give your opinion". Try your best to not raise your voice to him. Like I said, the change needs to begin with you... Then your husband will see the change and know that you are serious about working on the marriage.<BR> I will pray for you, your kids and your marriage. <BR> God bless you. <BR>

Adamsol;<BR>You are right...I want to be grateful that I didnt have children and hopefully when the dust clears I will finally feel that too. I have seen so much with children hurt and I dont know personally right now - with my feelings so raw how I could cope with little hearts hearting too...that would be terrible. You are right...that you for that reminder.<P>Scuba

Katie - many thanks for your post - WOW - you have reminded me of the days I had a personal trainer and I was in shape and toned. I feel "Inspired" to revisit them and try to pick up the weight training again - maybe figure a way to afford it- but that is a great idea. I am seeing a counsellor and she is very supportive. Thanks again for your post.<P>Scuba

Waiting for her/Mike;<BR>I am so proud you kicked the medication - I tried it but it only made me nauseated and sick. The support group is the seminar I attended this weekend and I am not sure how I feel about it just yet. THey say the support group is excellent because hopefully you are up when someone else is down and vice/versa. <P>Six years to wait? uhmm....yeah - that seems like a long time. The facilitator said it is different for everyone but those who didnt wait at least a minimum of two years became another statistic and chances are your wife could be too. But, the reconcilation rate during this time is also very high and many couples remarry.<P>I really hope to find my personal trainer again and hit the fitness trail, and make an inventory of the things I really enjoy that i have put on a shelf for a while. I think that is excellent advice. I do know that when I am busy, and without an idle mind that I am much better. Right now friends are keeping me busy and I am so grateful for them that those words seem lacking to describe them. They are the best. Thank you for your post...I think with children you really have a lot more to deal with than I do.<P>Take care,<BR>Scuba