I just found this site with a little help from his needs her needs. I will try to get through this as quick as I can. I have tears in my eyes and a dull pain in my chest as I read your letters and postings. Actually I feel sick to my stomache that this is happening to me. I am terrified and my husband said he wanted a divorce.<P>We have been together for 14 years 9 months married for 9years 2 months. We have 3 kids ages 7,5,and 7months. I dont understand lovebusting(?) but I think I am guilty of that. I have over the years threatend divorce as a way of getting something from my husband anything from my husband. We do have a problem with communication. When he tells me he wants to try I dont when I want to try, he doesnt. I dont want a divorce, but for some reason it kinda felt good to say it. Never meaning it though. Recently, my father was diagnosed with aortic dissection, a rare and fatal condition, my best friend of 15 years is moving to another town (shes my next door neighbor too) and my home business of 5 months has just fizzled out leaving a HUGE financial mess to try to sort out. On friday after a discussion about going to Disneyland and of course him disagreeing because of our ruined financial situation I said " Why dont we just end this, Youre un happy and I am unhappy " For the first time in 14 years 9 months he said OK....HE SAID OK...OMG HE SAID OK!!!! My eyes were instantly opened to the pain he had endured every time I said it to him. I REALLY understand what he felt. I thought about it overnight and thought maybe he was venting or getting back at me and thought maybe we should see a counselor. When I suggested that to him he said Why? we have been through this so many times and I don't know if I want to work it out anymore. I do not see a light at the end of the tunnel anymore. I do not want to suffer anymore....." After about an hour I finally got him to agree to see someone to help us see if this is the right decision or not. I want to try... he doesnt know if he wants to anymore....I am terrified...what do I do? Yesterday I purchased His Needs Her Needs at the advise of our counselor. He sugessted we read it together. I had laundry done, kids bathed, dinner made, and waited for him to come home so we could get started together. When we were in the middle of dinner he remembered a friend of ours was having a job interview at a place my H would like to work so he picked up the phone and proceeded with an hour long conversation with friend and finished his dinner,got off the phone and said he wanted to go to friends house to get the scoop on the interview while it was still fresh in friends mind....I was devastated!! How could that job take the cake over us? Meanwhile, I can't eat, sleep, I just can bearly get out of bed to get my kids to school. This is on my mind ALL the time. I am sure this sounds so mixed up and confusing and hard to follow, but after reading some of your stories I can see you have been here too....What can I do to make my husband see that this has to be worked out? That the stakes are too high here to make the decision to leave without first acknowleging the fact that this IS different this time, the tables are turned and I dont like the way I made him feel so give me a chance to correct me and us? Both sides of the spectrum have been seen by both? Please help me!! I am terrified!<BR>PS sorry about the type job!!! ha ha

OMG- <P>It sounds to me as your marriage is a long way from being over. I do feel though that you have alot of work to do. <BR>For starters threatening divorce is a major lovebuster! I really think you need to really take a good long hard look back at yourself and your actions for the past 14 years. <BR>Financial stress can also really cause alot of problems also.<P>Just don't think that saying I'm sorry or reading a book is going to save your marriage. It will take alot of hard, hard work. At least you have an advantage. There is not another woman. You have chance.<P>Jill

OMG,<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>How could that job take the cake over us? Meanwhile, I can't eat, sleep, I just can bearly get out of bed to get my kids to school. This is on my mind ALL the time. I am sure this sounds so mixed up and confusing and hard to follow, but after reading some of your stories I can see you have been here too....What can I do to make my husband see that this has to be worked out?<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>How could that job not take precedence over you??? You've continually beat up on each other over the years, and he's sick of trying. His options were:<P>1. Painful rehash of your past history with ineffective resolutions.<P>2. Escape to a friends.<P>I hope you can see why he chose number 2.<P>What you can do to make your husband "see" that this can be worked out is to change your behaviors and demonstrate to him that it can be done, for real, and effectively. That's not going to be a quick fix. What's more, he's highly unlikely to buy into it at first, so you may end up having to go it alone.<P>I'm glad that your counselor told you about His Needs/Her Needs. Hopefully he's familiar with Harley's work, and can help you use the MB principles. If he's not, the phone counseling available through MB is terrific---Steve and Jenn Harley do it, and I've used them both. I highly recommend it (888-639-1639).<P>In addition, I suggest you continue building your Harley library by purchasing the following books:<P><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6015_fall.html" TARGET=_blank>Fall in Love, Stay in Love</A><BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6030_love.html" TARGET=_blank>Lovebusters</A><P>While you may not know what the term lovebuster is, you appear to be an expert at it. I'm sure your husband probably has his issues too, but until he shows up, I'll just beat on you... <P>The very first thing you need to do is to eliminate all the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html" TARGET=_blank>Lovebusters</A> from your behavior. It's essential that this be the first step---meeting needs is great, but if you're lovebusting, meeting needs is like pouring water through a sieve. The lovebank never fills up, because you're continually draining them. <P>Stop the lovebusting. You MUST make a concerted effort, and you must establish a consistant track record of new behavior that will prove to your husband that you're not going to act like you have before. You can't be good for a week and then unleash on him (even if he <I>deserves</I> it). These behavioral changes must be ones you're willing to make for the rest of your life. No angry outbursts (divorce), selfish demands, disrespectful judgements, dishonesty.<P>Once you have lovebusting under control, you'll then work on a couple of other techniques. One is the Policy of Joint Agreement: never do anything without a mutually enthusiastic agreement between you and your spouse. If your husband is participating in counseling and agrees to this principle---great!!! If not, this principle reduces into "never gain at your spouse's expense", and that's the rule you should use in deciding anything in your daily life (from buying a car to deciding to buy rye bread instead of whole wheat). To use the POJA successfully, you will need to learn how to be completely honest with each other (no lovebusting), and how to negotiate in a safe and pleasant manner. It's easy to do when you're both in romantic love---harder when you're in this state (conflict/withdrawal).<P>You'll also need to learn to meet your husband's most important needs. This is important once you learn to control lovebusters.<P>You can do this. You can even do it on your own---this program is all about YOU and YOUR behaviors. I'd suggest that you order those books, and spend some time reading the articles and Q&A columns on this site, as well as the basic concepts.<P>And apologize to your husband. Never defend actions that hurt your husband---even if you are "right". You apologize.

Thank you Jill and K for your honesty and encouragement. I know I have done wrong and my husband would choose a friend over us in the heat of an argument..however..We were supposed to start reading the book that night..We both agreed in counseling. I do understand why he chose #2 however I am having a difficult time understand why he wouldn't hold true to his word. You are right too K....my husband does has his issues as far as affection and communication...Boy am I getting it from all different sides! Also, the counselor suggested his needs her needs first....Should I raise the ?? to him if LBs is the right place to start or should I just start it on my own? Thank you so much for your help....

Welcome OMG_TERRIFIED...<P>This is my general welcome post for all new people.<P>This greeting is geared toward people whose spouses had an affair (A), but since it’s general, good advice, it can help your situation as well!! <P>It has a couple of links to many of the most important MB (Marriage Builder) sites.<P>Click here ==> General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies) <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000553.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000553.html</A> <P>About your post... <P>I suggest that you start on a Plan A... <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html</A> <BR>Check out this post Plan A - 101 (2nd ed.), by a very wise, good friend named NSR (Jim). <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum30/HTML/000176.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum30/HTML/000176.html</A> <P>Plan A is not just for trying to win back a spouse. It is what you should be doing to build/rebuild yourself first... and then your marriage! It is about becoming the person that you have the potential to be—the person that God intended for you to be!<P>If you have drifted away from your faith (whatever that may be)consider rediscovering it. This step too, has helped countless marriages and marriage builders. <P>I will share with you my story a little. My H left me 1 1/2 years ago for another woman--he did have a physical affair with her. When he left, like you my eyes were opened to the ways that I had horribly hurt my H. I started to learn the ways in which I had contributed to our problems, and make changes for the better to myself. I began to become the woman, mother and wife that God intended for me to be. I had to learn how to forgive the past. I had to learn how to speak up for myself and be brave. I had to do a lot of humbling things. But I also learned how to have joy again, how to find satisfaction and peace within myself, and how to Give when my H was not able to give back to me. You can do it too. <P>If I were to give an intelligent guess, I would say that your H's lovebank is empty. He listened to you threaten divorce for years, and every single time, it hurt his heart and HE felt like you feel now. Eventually he just didn't care anymore, because it was too scary and too painful to keep going through that. He didn't have anything more to give. Imagine a pitcher of water that is constantly pouring water OUT but never getting a refill of water. It can't keep pouring out forever! Eventually, the pitcher will run dry and it will have to stop pouring out. That's what has happened here. Your H poured and poured and poured and finally ran dry. Now your job is not to give up--it is to think of him and REFILL HIS PITCHER. <P>You will probably have to fill his pitcher for a while without getting anything back to you to fill your pitcher, so be ready for that. It will take some time for him to believe that it's true and that you are sincere, so pace yourself and rest and take care of yourself, and come here for your gripes and for some encouragement. Okay? For a while, it is not going to be "fair" and you are going to have to do some serious work to get through this, so don't expect him to give as much as you are. Let him be a little skeptical--BUT PROVE TO HIM THAT YOU MEAN IT.<P>Meanwhile I would have to slightly disagree with your counselor--although I myself am not a licensed therapist or anything. I would advise that you start off by learning about Lovebusters at <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html</A> On this site, you can learn some of the basics and it will lead you to some more specific definitions of each kind of lovebuster. But let me give you an example to explain why I would start with lovebusters. Imagine a metal strainer with a whole bunch of great big holes in it. Each hole was put there every time you did a lovebuster against your spouse. A lovebuster drains away your spouse's love for you. So, when you reply to him in an angry outburst, another hole is added to the strainer. Well, one day, you notice that almost all of the love is drained out, and you decide to try to fill it back up by meeting his emotional needs. But as longs as the holes are still there, the stuff you "put in" will just drain right out. You need to work on plugging the holes first. If you worked hard to learn new techniques to handle your anger, and you demonstrated that your H could talk to you about ANYTHING and not get blasted or screamed at, you would have plugged up several of the holes in the strainer. That way, if you also decided to add some love by meeting his emotional needs, it wouldn't be draining out as quickly, because the holes are plugged. <P>So, while "His Needs/Her Needs" is a GREAT book--very easy to read and such a great way to explain what emotional needs are--I would still recommend that you start with "Lovebusters" and have your first step be to stop those lovebusters and plug those holes!!<P>You are in my thoughts and prayers tonight.<P><BR>CJ<BR><P>------------------<BR>Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.

OMG,<P>My W used to threaten all the time - finally, I started doing the same. Seemed to help a little. Yeah, now you finally felt it. It's a horrible feeling. But, like another poster already said, you are not in too bad a shape actually. My W moved out - seems that she will move back in if I do some renovation on the house. She has to get something to save face, I suppose.<P>You are in much better shape than we are. My W and I read HN/HN before we got married. She doesn't believe in it - thinks its a bunch of hoowee. At least your H hasn't said that yet. Give him a break on this one. The job situation is important. He thinks you'll still be there when he gets done with that - and that's a good sign.<P>-AD

OMG:<P>Yup, Lovebusters is the place to start (and CJ says so too, so that makes two of us).<P>I spent about a year in pretty intensive counseling with Steve Harley, and I've learned the material---the image of a lovebank as a pitcher is an excellent one, and lovebusters poke holes in that pitcher.<P>The "Fall in Love, Stay in Love" book has most of the Harley elements integrated into it. Normally, I'd recommend you read Give and Take, Lovebusters, and HN/HN. Now I think (although I haven't read it yet) that Fall in Love, Stay in Love will probably suffice---although I still think Lovebusters is an excellent book for getting the point across on what behaviors you need to change.<P>Start it as soon as you can get your hands on it. You can discuss it with your counselor, but if he's not familiar with it, you might want to get him a copy too.

OMG, you have got good advice so far, just adding one concern (hope you don't freak). My wife of 23 years quite often threatened me with divorce as well, I never did, just told her no, we work it out. Last february (after a hard 3-4 years) she said it again..... I said ok. She backed right off and said she really didn't mean it, was just always angry.....the next day she found out I was in love with ow. No one (including me) will ever know if she had told me 6 months earlier she really didn't hate me, and did want to make our marriage work, whether it would have made a difference...... or whether I said yes cause in the meantime I had fallen in love with ow. Our life became a disaster area for last 6 months, I don't really know what I want to do, but we are trying to do the harley stuff, and taking it a day at a time. I hope your H is not seeing ow, but it is often the case when a spouse agrees to, or suggests a divorce, and appears unwilling to do anything productive re the marriage.... I hope not, just complicates things a lot more, but being in the dark is no good either, so you must rule this out. Sometimes just asking is enough, but think long and hard about his behaviour for last 6 months, and watch closely now. Good luck.