I know there is a similar post from another poster here but I couldn't find it. <P>My kids spent last night with their father and when they got back this morning, he said they had a great time. He said it was the best weekend he had had in a long time. He failed to mention that OW cooked supper for the kids, went fishing and swimming with them and that her 5 yr old D slept with my kids in the same bed. <P>I am so furious. I wanted them to spend time with him but how can I prevent him from including her in their plans. I am in SC. Does anyone have any ideas how I can prohibit contact between my kids and OW?<P>I'm pratically ready to skip plan B and go directly to filing for divorce.<P>Lynn

Hi Lynn,<P>Was it my story you were thinking of, where H took the kids out for the day with OW...and the kids told me, not him?<P>I know how you feel, and it was one of the reasons I sped up my move back to Oz, since I WOULD NOT let that happen again.<P>Well, your h said he wasn't in contact with her, did he not...and why was her d sleeping with your kids....where was SHE sleeping?<P>This just sucks...I hate that the WS's treat us like this.<P>Now, take a breath...did you confront him, like I did with my h? I was so ANGRY at him I don't even remember what I said. If you haven't you are better than me, if you did, well, we're human! <P>If you haven't taken him to task over this yet, you have a chance to structure a case so that he knows your views presented in a logical way. I think it is very unfair of him to expect you to accept this interaction. Tell him your concerns, and I bet they are primarily for your children's well-being....and if he doesn't respect that, maybe you need to investigate a restraining order or something. <P>As I said, I know exactly how you feel.<P>(((((((((((((((Lynn)))))))))))))))))<P>Take care,<P>Jacky.

Hi Lynn,<P>I am one who got it ordered by a judge that the kids couldn't be around OW. <P>I filed for divorce and when we went to court for our temporary hearing, the judge said that it wasn't good emotionally for the kids to be around any women that my now ex was romantically involved with. he said that divorce is hard enough on kids without involving another person. <P>Good luck!<BR>Mitzi

Lynn:<P>I'm from South Carolina and recently divorced. The only way to keep the OW away from your children is to file for separate maintenance on the grounds of adultery and name her in the papers. This is technically getting a legal separation, but SC doesn't call it that. From what I undestood from my attorney, most judges are apt to grant this. <P>However, once the divorce is final, you cannot keep OW away from your kids. You can put in the final papers that you neither of you is allowed overnight guests of the opposite sex for a specified time. It really does suck, doesn't it?

I hate that my weekend had to end this way. I have taken a sore throat and laryngitis.(sp) I have very little or no voice right now. I actually slept until 11:45 this morning. I suppose my depression was more in control there.<P>I'm not sure what to say to H in the morning when he comes by to take kids to school. I think it is best if I just get ready and leave for work without saying much.<P>How dare he flat out lie to me about this. He says he slept on couch but kids say he slept in a little bed off the kitchen area. I'm kind of confused because son says there is only one kitchen and D says he is wrong. D is definately trying to keep the peace because she knows that H has something to hide. I do not like him putting them in this situation.<P>I was no where near ready to file for divorce as I was finally just coming to grips with living my life without him but enjoying the time with him. I had reached the point that I wasn't desparate without him. Now I feel like he is pushing me to do something legal. This whole thing might be his way of making me mad so I will file. He definately doesn't want to look like the bad guy.<P>His parents also don't know about the A. They suspect it because of him abandoning his kids but they don't know that I hired PI and have proof of adultry for court.<P>I wish they knew but I don't want to be the one to tell them. If, however, I decide to file for divorce, I will have to tell them why I can't hold out any longer waiting around on their son's fog to clear.<P>She cooked them breakfast this morning too. How sweet!!!<P>I'm not sure what I will do. Anyone have any ideas?<P>Lynn<P>

I posted in the past couple of weeks about this very thing. To beat all, it happened again tonight! I told him the first time how i felt about dating around our kids. He let her babysit them when it was his day to be with them instead of bringing them back to me during his trip to the gym. I don't want my kids left with someone i don't know and approve of. i am very particular about the influences in my kids' lives.<P>well, last week my daughter (7) comes home with a birthday present from this woman's daughter, also a child. Of course this child didn't buy the gift. the OW did to suck up to my kids to look good to my ex. then tonight my husband took 2 of them with him because my son's birthday is today. when he dropped them off an hour ago they came in with 2 toys from the OW's house. i was instantly ill. I still don't know the woman's name, just her kids' names. my 4 yr old doesn't know what her name is. i just had to get on here and vent and ask how to handle this. how can i get him to stop this?<P>well, he just called and i couldn't wait to get an answer. i can't function with this stewing in me. so i asked him again why would he take the kids over their if she is just someone to date, nothing more? i told him that if her husband hurt her in her divorce then how can she be so callous as to be buying my kids gifts knowing how it affects their mother. she knew i wouldn't like her holding my new baby because she quickly handed her back to my husband the night i walked in and found out she was at his place while my kids were there. i saw her reflection in the patio doors holding MY baby!!!! I want to call her every ugly name in the book for that. Every explitive I can think of!!!<P>I asked him if he was diliberately trying to hurt me. i asked him why he tells me he'll never marry again, including me, but is dating a divored woman with 2 kids. "are you trying to introduce them to their future stepmother and step sister & brother?" He said no. I asked, why can't you just date her during the week and keep her away from the kids when it's your turn with them. why spoil your private time with your son on his birthday by bringing him over to her house? he said she called and wanted to give him a present. she must talk to him every day because she knew he was coming over to my house for the birthday party. so she gets her butt over to walmart and buys another birthday present. then her daughter gives mine a doll. i told him, you know she's only buying gifts to suck up to the kids so she can marry you. have you told her you are not getting married again? "no, i don't discuss things like that!" Well, that's what she's after, she wants to marry you.<P>he then said, well i won't take them around her anymore since it upsets you. i said thank you in a kind tone.<P>i also told him during the heat of the discussion about how after he left them here my 4 year old got mad at me and said she didn't love me. i told him, it is bad enough that you don't love me, do i really need to have this too?<P>I talked about our divorce again and asked him why henever told me he was unhappy in the marriage until he was ready to walk out the door. he said if he'd ever had to backbone to talk to me before we married then we wouldn't have married at all. i asked if life was any better now that he had his freedom and he said it was about the same. I responded...so you didn't gain anything from the divorce? he said it was too early to tell. he'd just take it one day at a time.<P>i had made up my mind if he refused to keep the kids away from her then i was going to tell him that i wasn't keeping the divorce a secret from the kids any longer. that i was going to tell my 2 oldest 7 & 4 that mommy and daddy are divorced. that it means mommy & daddy were never going to live together anymore. and it is because daddy doesn't love mommy and wants to be away from her.<P>he doesn't want them to know because he doesn't want them to know the harsh truth...it lets them know he's being mean to me.<P>oh yeah, that stupid doll smells. you know how everyone has an odor to their house and you don't notice your own. well, you always notice it when you go to someone elses house. it made me sick. i plan to tell him tomorrow to keep any gifts from other women at his place because if my kids bring anything here from another woman (or her kids) i'm throwing it in the trash. when my daugher got mad at that stupid doll she wanted me to fix it and when i couldn't she ran away crying. so i threw the (explictive) doll into the wall. i wanted to throw it in the trash but she'd be looking for it and if i told her i threw it away she'd never understand. she'd think i was being mean to her. this woman's antics make me angier than anything else i've been through so far.<P>i am moving 30 miles away to go to college in 3 weeks so i told my congregation this morning in church service to pray for me and for him that God straighten him out soon, that He comfort me in my lonliness and pain and that I will manage 4 kids (one is only 3 months old) and going to college. i don't seem to have accomplished much with just a handful of prayer partners so I've asked all 200 to pray with me for my ex to come home to the wife who loves him and be a family again under one roof.

peoplepleaser: i just read your new post. i assumed you were divorced already. i would be furious too if he did this while married to you. i'd tell him if he doesn't promise to keep the kids away from his slut then he can't have them anymore and you will take him to court and take everything away from him. any jury will take your side, that you have proof of his cheating, etc. somone told me that in texas you can take 75% of community property if he moves out and in with her before the divorce. tell him you will sue her for alienation of affection and then file and tell your lawyer to drag it out as long as possible so he can't get his freedom for a very long time. if his life becomes a hell then he and the other woman's time together will be miserable and they won't have a good relationship for talking about you all the time. she'll be sick of hearing your name and what you are doing to him, hopefully get fed up and leave him for a man with fewer problems.<P>i wish i'd never signed the divorce papers. but i was afraid of the financial strain of fighting the divorce only to have it granted later. here in TN you can't force anyone to stay married. in fact, you are divorced 15 days after filing the papers. i just figured God would show him his mistakes, keep after him until he came back to me. i never let myself imagine he would date.<P>if your husband doesn't want the kids to know, do what i wanted to do, ultimatum: I tell the kids what you are doing to me... the ugly truth...if you don't promise to keep them away from this woman, i don't care if she cooks like julia childs. she's doing the same thing my ex's girlfriend is doing...sucking up to your kids to make them think she's great. i'd be just as pissed as you.<P>about the in-laws. i never told them we were headed for divorce even though he told me last summer. they only found out because my mom got mad about him going ahead with the divorce one month after the baby was born and called them up and told them. they are devastated and so hurt. she can't understand why i wouldn't call and tell her. even though she knows it's because he knew what their reaction would be. but she really did deserve to know sooner and have the opportunity to pray even if he wouldn't listen to her or even to tell me not to sign. but i was trying to protect him from his overbearing parents and actually took up for him! dumb huh?<P>i knew you are thinking it's up to him to tell because they will tend to be defensive of their son. only you know them well enough to know their reaction. i know you also feel like you'd be a tattle tale and might make him so mad and he might say that gave another good reason not to want you because you went behind his back, etc. i am begining to think now that i probably should have told them because i can't see that his feelings for me could be much worse. he says he never, ever loved me and told me all my flaws that if he'd been man enough to break up with me that he wouldn't be married to me, someone he didn't see as marriage material. that they only consolation of marrying me was that i'd never cheat because no one would chase me... refered to the song: if you want to be happy for the rest of your life, never make a pretty woman your wife.

I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. For me, this was the part that killed me the most. The only thing is the OW in my case was a total lunatic, which my H found out after living w/ her for only 4 mos. He moved out now and things are better. SO there is always hope. <P>I really hated it, but my son who is only 4, is fine now and it didn't seem to hurt him at all. What still does hurt him is that we are not together.<P>Even when you don't want to, try to respond kindly or not at all when you're kids talk about the OW. Unfortunately, they will learn sooner or later that it isn't all wonderful. Then you will be there for them. <P>Oh, and something else you can do, that I did and I strongly believe it helped. A friend recommended that I pray that there was a crown of thorns around my H. Every time he did something outside of God's wishes (not mine), I prayed that he would get into the thorns. It worked - a lot of bad things happened to help him see the light. He still is in the dark, but getting closer. He at least dumped her. Anyway, that prayer seemed wrong to me, but my Christian Counselor thought it was a good idea and he even helped pray it with me.<P>Hang in there. I'll pray for you and your kids.<P>

Hey peoplepleaser ~<P>Sometimes reality doesn't wait for you to be ready to cope with it.<P>Is your H's behavior hurting your kids? I would think so. At the VERY least, they are feeling awkward about loyalties to mom and dad. They are probably very confused and devastated.<P>So please get on the phone ASAP and hire an attorney. Ask for a temp motion to keep her away from your kids. <P>When kids are being hurt, your needs, his needs, don't matter. Their needs do. <P>And btw, your H did this because he honestly thinks he can get away with it. If he thought he was going to actually suffer consequences (ie legal) I'll bet he wouldn't have.<P>Time to stop peoplepleasing, and start protecting your children.

Hi,<P>I agree that you should get the order. It is mentally cruel to put children thru this. They can't handle seeing mom or dad showing affection to another person who is basically a stranger to them.<P>This gets me so upset. I have a neighbor that I heard was getting divorced (gossip I shouldn't have listened to). Well, not only did she get divorced but a week later her son told mine that they have a new dad that just moved in. I am so appalled and am not sure I'm going to let my children play there anymore - I think I'll just welcome her children over here tho. It disgusts me for adults to just totally discount their children's emotional health for their selfish MLC issues (which are usually lust, sex and fun).<P>I was divorced in February and to this day the X has not had the boys around his live-in honey, thank God. Granted he never really comes to see them much, but sometimes that isn't so bad especially since the kids aren't used to his involvement in their lives in the first place! I also have a feeling that the OW may be pregnant and that would cause just one more scandal for him to bear with his family if they knew, so maybe that's the real reason she stays away.<P>I know I'll have to face this sooner or later like you all are. I don't know how you get past the anger of it all. I guess I'm lucky that he hasn't done this so soon because as time goes on, I'm caring less and less. My boys already know about her and I don't think any amount of sucking up to them is going to work. Their own dad does that, you know, taking them out to buy stuff all the time and they are on to him. They know the difference instinctively between being loved and being bought. They really do. And this is not something I talk to them about - they talk between themselves this way, and having heard them talk gives me a lot of insight into what I need to do to help them.<P>It is hard, but right now you do have control. I would use it. But like Ashley said, after the divorce is over there's nothing you can do. That doesn't mean you have to file for the divorce it sounds like also, so maybe you can keep the OW away for a longer time if you do it the way Ashley said because you're not actually filing for divorce that way.<P>Take care.<P>------------------<BR>Kathy

I need to discuss my H's intentions with him tomorrow AM. I'm not sure how to approach this but he needs to know very clearly that I am deeply disappointed that he would involve OW and her child in weekend plans with our children. This was the first time since May they had spent the night with him and he couldn't even ask her to stay away for one night. <P>I see this as a slap in my face. He wants to have a family and be with his kids, he would just prefer her to be the mommy instead of me.<P>I am so mad I am having chest pains. I can't function like this anymore. I'm no good to my employer as a manager or to my kids as a mother. <P>Something has to be done. Any suggestions???? <P>Thanks as always! Lynn

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>I need to discuss my H's intentions with him tomorrow AM. I'm not sure how to approach this but he needs to know very clearly that I am deeply disappointed that he would involve OW and her child in weekend plans with our children. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Why does he "need" to know how disappointed you are?<P>Do you actually think he cares what you think? If he respected you or cared, he wouldn't have done it in the first place.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Something has to be done. Any suggestions???? <HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I guess my suggestion that you call a lawyer and try for a temp motion to keep the OW away from you kids isn't an option for you?<P>Because really, your choice is that...or your H doing whatever he wants with your kids.<P>He isn't going to change what he's doing over what you think or express to him.<P>------------------<BR><I>Pain is a given, misery is optional.</I>

I have been doing my best to avoid getting lawyers involved but I am beginning to see it is time to move forward.<P>I appreciate your suggestion of the court order but I was hoping it would not be necessary. I plan to tell my H that the kids cannot go with him to his place unless he changes residency. He has shown disrespect for my wishes and for our children's emotional well-being. He of course, won't agree because he says they had a great time and were not upset at all. I know it is confusing for them and no rationalization in the world can tell me otherwise. Sure they had a good time, they were playing and getting exactly what they wanted. BUT they were still missing something and that thing is ME. <P>I suppose I'm being selfish at the moment with my kids. I really do want them to spend time with their Dad and I was glad he finally offered to let them spend the night with him. I suppose I just trusted that he would have better sense that to have OW help feed and entertain them. He really doesn't think about how anything affect me and I'm growing very tired of his neglect.<P>He wants to be my "friend". He asked if I wanted him to go to the drug store and get me something for my throat. He is trying really hard to be nice. He asked this morning if I was feeling ok because I didn't look like I was too happy. He just can't see that I'm not stupid enough to pretend everything is ok when its not. It was all I could do to get out of the house without LBing.<P>The more he tried to be nice, the madder I got. As I was walking out the door, I said" I wish you had of brought me some leftovers, I heard the ribs were great"<P>I'm glad I just kept walking. Tomorrow I may be at the lawyers.<P>Lynn

Lynn, you aren't selfish when you protect your children.<P>Your H is the selfish one - putting his wants in front of their needs.<P>In my situation - I was able to get my H to agree, <B>in writing</B>, that he would not take our children into the OW's presence until after our divorce. That letter was immediately faxed to my attorney to be added into my formal legal requests for temporary motions regarding visitation.<P>But I already had an attorney and a divorce filed. My H *knew* that I would and could hire a PI, investigate his OW, and haul them both into court for psychological evaluations and counseling with the kids.<P>Had I not done anything but wring my hands and tell him how disappointed I was - he would have done whatever pleased him.<P>The only thing that got through to him was that I was serious about my request and willing to do what it took to make sure it happened.<P>Time to take responsiblity for your life and your kids welfare. It's not selfish, its called parenting.

I have always wondered how people keep their emotions intact when dealing with divorcing, kids, etc. Also how each other reacts when former spouses begin dating and introducing their kids to their new mates.<P>There are no laws, rules, etc where I am that "forbids" the divorcing spouse to have the kids in the OP's presence, especially when there is no other reason except that it hurts the other spouses feelings. The judges here rule only on the legal matters before them and how equitable the settlement is. Matters that deal with OP's, are viewed as moral issues and they just don't get involved. Too bad.<P>

Hello People Pleaser,<P>I only have a minute so I'll try to type fast!!<P>I remember the pain you are in now. My exH left on xmas day. He served D papers on Valentine's day. Even before that, only 5 weeks after he left, he started taking the kids around OW. The thing in our case was...he moved RIGHT in with her within a few days after leaving us. So it was his residence. I tried to seek legal help but there was none. I'm very impressed at the deal Mitzi got, that is a good one.<P>I remember the emotions and how I felt because he kept bringing her to my house to get the kids. Well she is real controlling, she probably forced the issue. Anyhow, I remember the day I say my youngest, just 2 then...kissing her, UGHHHH, I wanted to scream.<P>I had the kids in counseling since the moment he left and I swear it had the best effect on them.<P>Eventually I got so tired of the disrespect from my then H, and I gave up. Everything I did came down to being a vindictive, bitter ex W, which, I still try hard not to be labeled like that.<P>So let's fast forward. My H said he'd never marry again. A year after he left, he gave her a ring, with tax refund money from claiming one of OUR children even though he barely paid a dime all year. Every visit he had, he left them with HER and she did all the motherly little things to my kids.<P>On a positive note, she gave them baths and fed them and physically, she took excellent care of my kids. I will give her that, however, she better not do otherwise, she already took their dad from the house. She was the one who forced him to leave on xmas. <P>OK, so now in October, we'll have been divorced a year (our D date was a few days of our wedding date, how convenient), and in December he'll be gone 2 years. <P>I never once have kept the kids from him. I tried to accept OW ONLY for my kids' sake per the doctor's recommendations. They said my kid's would accept this better if I acted ok with it. I spent many nights crying at night after they were in bed.<P>Now it came to a point, where I even had phone conversations with OW for about an hour, and at one bday party she came to it when exH wouldn't. We were actually getting along.<P>Then I went away for a week, and she used that as an excuse to make me look bad. She told several people in the family who had NOW accepted her that I had no business leaving the kids for a week. It backfired. The whole family dislikes her and now my ex hasn't taken our kids since June. <P>As I look back on it, I think, I went thru all that suffering..for the sake of my kids...to see their dad..and grow up more emotionally healthy than if I had fought the issue, and look where we ended up? <P>There is one other aspect to it, my two oldest, now 8 and 10, they really hate her bigtime now and I never said a bad word about her. It burns me up that my 3 year old absolutely adores her, but I guess that might be her age? She wasn't old enough to understand it all.<P>I am sending you prayers today. I don't know what the right answer is. I've seen many women fight this issue with their ex, and some were lucky enough to win on it. Sometimes, the kids wind up not seeing their dad if you don't agree to it, but to me thats like dad choosing OW over them , and not really our fault at all. <P>Sorry this was so long, I just wanted to let you know that I gave in and tried to go along with this (to be a people pleaser to the entire group involved) and in the end, it backfired, we are all fighting anyhow, and OW true colors really came out.<P>I wish the divorce laws were the same everywhere, and there was more protection for the kids in these situations. <P>Hugs, Dana<BR>

Dana,<P>Boy is your xh a sadist...d-day just before your anniversary, leaves at Christmas, and files on Valentine's day....hope you don't mind other people calling him scum. <P>PP....Please see a lawyer....he won't listen to you, Bramblerose is right; he didn't care before, and he won't change just because you say so. Sometimes I think they think up (or OW) the worst thing they could do, so we'll get mad enough to file because they're too gutless to.