You have all heard that ancient Chinese curse "May you live in interesting times". Many people I know think it is actually a blessing, but they are wrong. You also know the warning to be careful about what you wish for because your wish might be granted. Well, in true fashion, I forgot that warning and once again I find myself living in interesting times. For the last two weeks, I have had a very hectic schedule at work. Long hours and more than my fair share of stress. I had a handle on it until Friday afternoon when my walls were finally breached and I crossed an unspoken line at work and may have damaged my career beyond hope of repair. The sad part is that I could truly care less. Anyway, to my point...<P>Today I got to have lunch with my wife and hang out with her for a little while. We talked about little things, absolutely nothing about us, and I think we had an enjoyable time. Why am I always the one who walks away feeling like **** though? I have all the sadness, pain, and questions. She told me about going to her mom's wedding in Nov. and my first thought was how we had planned on going together. Not anymore. That made me really sad and it was a struggle to maintain a cheery mood. To change the subject, I asked her what she wanted for Christmas. She told me that she probably wouldn't be around here for Christmas. She was thinking of going to Florida to visit relatives. We had discussed doing that once upon a time. Things like this only serve as a kick in the gut to me. I love my wife so much. I would have thought that by now, after being away from her this long, that healing would have begun. Sometimes I think it has, but then I am always proven wrong. I am reminded of the movie Ghost when Patrick Swayze's character says that all the love you have is taken with you when you die. Well, I cannot seem to shed my love for my wife. I stopped wearing my wedding band yesterday. My hand feels naked and I am ashamed. I feel as if I have given up, and while in some ways I have given up, my heart has not given up hope. I miss her so badly. I would give anything in this world that I possess except my soul to be a part of her life again. I miss Robyn. I miss what was. I miss what should be. But most of all, I miss what could have been. I feel as low as I did when she first left and I do not know why. I still have so many questions. Where did we go wrong? Why did we both allow it to happen? Why must this ending, this conclusion occur? How can one person simply stop loving another person? I have no answers. No one I talk to has any answers. <P>I have been working so hard to change myself, to "re-invent" myself into a person that other people like and that I can look in the mirror and see without cringing. I bought a new shirt, someting really simple, last week so I could have a new look when I went to the club. Since I've been losing weight, the shirt looked pretty good on me. I wore it today when I met my wife. She instantly asked me if it was new and I saw the...approval?...in her eyes. It made me feel good that she noticed. I have people inviting me out or over to their homes and calling me just to talk. That is a major improvement over this same time last year. My only regret is what happened to bring all this about. I want to cry. I woke up one morning last week for work and before I could take my head off the pillow, I was burying my face in it, crying. I do know what brought it on, but it was healthy. It was only the second time since the end of July. I need to do it more, but now is when my training and my life conspire against me. I keep my emotions in and under tight control. Something nearly devastating must happen before I cry. <P>So here I am. Half-broken, slowly rebuilding, slowly deteriorating. Unwanted by the woman I would die for and unworthy of another woman until I fix myself. Every day I die a little more inside. I tell myself that there is no reason to allow this to happen but I know that there is no way to stop it. I wish this pain would stop. I do not wish my wife would come back. I do believe that we must be divorced. I only wish that she would date me and get to know me again and allow me to get to know her. Just a simple chance to see if we were meant to be together. All in all, I do not think that is too much. I guess only time will tell, but time is my enemy. It is passing by too quickly and it never returns. <P>I am afraid. I am sad. I am guilty. I am ashamed. I am angry. At least I am not broken. Not anymore. I thought she shattered me, but I was wrong. I destroyed myself by destroying what was important to me. I am doing my penance. Every morning I wake up to this life I live. To quote a part of a song by Creed, "I created my own prison." My soul has a little sign over it saying Welcome to Hell. Population: You. But still I carry on. I endure, and I perservere. She does not control me any longer. I do what I do because I choose to. I act and no longer react. That is how I know I am growing and, in a way, healing. I pray to God that she sees this, sees that I am no longer weak in the ways she knew me to be, and gives me the chance I long for. I can honestly say I have never wanted anything more. If love, true love, honestly endures and overcomes like the Holy Bible says, then I may be redeemed. Perhaps this once, I can do everything in my power and overcome all obstacles and win the prize. Perhaps I can succeed because I have confidence in myself and a belief that I am not all that bad after all. Time will tell, and until then it is just one more unanswered question.<P>------------------<BR>Don't look back. You never know what is gaining on you.

Wow, Wolfen... such raw and honest emotions. Wish I could give you a hug for real. You seem like you need it... the pain you feel is just so unbelievably captured in your words... I'm so sorry for you. Life wasn't meant to be this way... we all have free-will and because of that we hurt others sometimes and other times we help. Be it intentional or not... <P>Keep searching man... you'll find the TRUTH and it will set you free, I just know it. I'm prayin' for you right now.... I pray that you will find that inner peace because the Scriptures are real... you can't avoid pain in this life but you will find the strength to bear up under it... the soil that you and your life are standing on are going to be much richer if you seek to find the TRUTH and the STRENGTH in that Truth... I'm speaking about Christ.<P>Blessings upon you... and especially your day tomorrow at work... may God's mercy and grace surround you these days of pain and trials...<P>Warmly,<BR>Nicole<P>------------------<BR><I>"You will deceive yourself into believing that if people, circumstances, and events had been different, your pain would not exist...Your pain is the concrete way in which you participate in the pain of humanity."</I> <BR>~ Henri Nouwen ~

Wolfen:<P><B>I have been working so hard to change myself, to "re-invent" myself into a person that other people like and that I can look in the mirror and see without cringing.</B><P>Wolfen, we make these changes for the betterment of ourselves, not other people. You have to look into the mirror and like what YOU see, and if you do, you will find that this projects onto others...they pick up on your good feeling for yourself. This is so hard for most of us here right now, because someone has made us feel so bad about ourselves. But we can choose our emotions, we can look for the good in ourselves and like those points, without input from anyone else.<P>Your self esteem is at a very low point, Wolfen, and you are blaming yourself for something that is NOT of your doing. Your wife chose to do this, for whatever reasons, the underlying one is NOT that you are a bad person. If you were so horrible, she would not give you the time of day.<P>Are you on anti-d's. I think if not, you need to see about this. If you are, they aren't enough for you. Go see a doctor. Sure the army won't like you being depressed, but hey, you have been through a lot and you need to look after yourself. They may even have some leave or something, to give you time to gather yourself.<P>We are thinking of you, please keep posting, and letting us help you.<P>Love and light,<P>Jacky<BR>

Wolfen,<P>It sounds like I am going through exactly what you are. I know how it feels first hand. Everyone keeps telling me that the only one I can change is myself. I have to believe that. It is the only hope I have to improve my situation. I may lose my wife, but I refuse to lose my kids. I will not let the same characteristics continue in me and hurt other relationships. I have a 2 part strategy that I have decided to live. Part 1 is to do all I can to save my marriage which is hanging by a thread. Part 2 starts with me realizing that it still may not work. Even in excercising my faith, I have to admit this because God will not direct a person's will. So if it doesn't, my responsibility is to continue to become the best man I can be live for the Lord, my kids, and career in that order. <P>I don't feel this way every minute of every day. In fact, I seldom really feel this way. But it is not about feelings. The feelings will follow the faith and actions.<P>If you don't quit, you will win. It doesnt sound like you quit. Keep going man! I am and I feel as twisted as you seem to feel.<P>E mail me if you want to talk. It often helps to help someone else, even if you are in need yourself. eveninginroma@yahoo.com<P>Stefano

Wolfen,<P>I feel the same way. Mostly just don't care. W called yesterday and asked if I had had lunch. I said "no", she asked if we could meet for lunch. I suggested that she meet with her nephew (who lives with me) and I would stay home. She said "please come." So, I went. Same old ...<BR>W and N talked. I ate and listened mostly. Waitress and others admired baby. W and baby went their way - hardly saying good-bye - N and I went the other way. I was so depressed.<P>I told her the other day that she has the complete power to make me happy. Not many people can say that - but it's true. If she wanted me to be happy, she could make it so - so easily.<P>Yesterday evening I was over baby-sitting while W was in class. I left my ring hanging on the wall at her place. She found the ring and called this morning - half surprised, half sad, half glad. I told her it was an accident that I was doing something and took the ring off for a few minutes and forgot to take it again. I don't think she'll give it back to me. <P>She moved out in May.<P>-AD<p>[This message has been edited by AbandonedDad (edited October 02, 2001).]

Oh Wolfen,<P>You said so many of the things that I feel. I am not articulate enough to put my feelings into words, but I felt like you were reading my soul. Yes, it is so hard to go through what we all are going through. Hold your head high! Be proud of yourself. You and all of us will make it through this. You are worthy of love, we all are. Do not ever think that you are not. Improve yourself, but do it only for you. I am in that process now - trying to improve myself. I lost myself in my marriage. I lost who I really was and am now on the road to rediscovery. I find that sometimes I even bore myself and understand why - at times - that my H left me. Only do what is good for you and TRY not to worry or think about what your wife thinks. One day she will realize what she truly lost!! A wonderful and loving husband!!<P>God bless you and keep you in his loving arms!!<P>Tina

Wolfen,<P>Us guys need to stick together and encourange one another. I need a big dose of something - self discispline would be good. I felt like I had a chance with my W - but I'm not doing anything - not even spinning the wheels. I need somebody hanging over me with a whip or something - to keep me doing what I should be doing.<P>What you wrote is my life too - not exactly, but pretty much what I feel.<P>-AD