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#717205 12/03/01 11:41 AM
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This is what WS sent. I'm not sure how to respond.<p>I don't think I want a divorce.<p>I do still love her, and would be willing to talk.<p>This is what she said:<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>I want to let you know that I have decided to speak with an attorney. I do not feel (especially recently) that there is any chance of resolution (especially considering that you can't even talk to me, or return calls). You do your best to avoid interaction with me, and I am not sure why???
Anyway, My attorney will be calling you . His name is x. I purposely went with him because he is not a vein slicer and I made it clear that I just want things to be fair for both of us. I am not looking to make a killing here.

In NJ you have to either wait 18 months or file under a listing of a few things. The only one that could be applicable is emotional cruelty. X explained that is isn't like it sounds and that it's just a way of getting around the 18 month minimum. If we faught and yelled at each other and said things like get out, or I want you to leave...That qualifies. If you choose to accuse me of this, that is fine, I will sign. It really doesn't matter to me. X will explain this to you. I informed him that we don't have anything to split that we already did that. Visitation (I think) is ok. It's just really formalizing things.

<hr></blockquote>

She did take OM to meeting.<p> Any Ideas on response. I'm in plan b, but I don't want a divorce, or to "formalize things."
To explain why ( an affair, lying,lying, lying) wouldn't lead anywhere positive. <p>I was hoping for suggestions on possible response. It's a tough one. <p>To me, of course, the real reason for this action is OM; not " because I won't talk/respond".<p>Maybe they're discussing marriage? Um, no assumptions..<p>Dan<p>[ December 03, 2001: Message edited by: Family Man ]</p>

#717206 12/03/01 02:20 PM
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I would suggest you get your own attorney. She is not trustworthy (lies, OM, etc). Don't trust her statements about attorney. Does your wife know why you are in Plan B? Did you do an official plan b letter or have you communicated to her that as long as she is in contact with OM there will be minimal contact with you? If you have then you are right by the statement:-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
To me, of course, the real reason for this action is OM; not " because I won't talk/respond".-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Anyway, how about this for a response:<p>I am sorry you have chosen to speak to an attorney. If, I was not clear why I am not involved in communicating with you, let me make it clear now by saying it is because OM is still in your life. As long as he is, there is nothing to say. I am disappointed in the way this is turning out. However, since you have chosen this route, I will have my attorney contact your attorney. <p>Love,
H
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The reason for responding this way is that you cannot FORCE her to make any decisions. This is something she is choosing to do. You need an attorney to protect you best interest. He can help you prolong this - she is not interested in helping prolonging it. Plus I do believe SHE is her attorney's client - not you. Which me the attorney as her interests at heart - hers is to see this divorce through. Yours is to not see it through but to allow her to see that you need to protect yourself in this.

#717207 12/03/01 10:21 PM
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Have you or W tried counseling... I know with OM in life, it must be awful, he needs to get out. Does she clearly understand to save marriage she must end A? These may be stupid, rendundant questions... although from what I have heard filing does not necessarily mean it will happen. <p>I thought about filing a lot this last week to protect my self financially , and after a lot of plan aing it is looking like my spouse wants to come home but is afraid of lb's when he gets here. ... he wants to sweep everything under the rug.<p>I do not know what will happen here... but also got some good advice from an attorney regarding filing --- if the current state of your marriage is unacceptable... you can tell your spouse that you cannot accept this as a marriage- you would like to resolbe, but if she persists with OM, then divorce must proceed, especially if her choice, you are putting up with more than your share of this.... <p>You have been very giving to not file on here in the midst of an affair and ultimate betrayal of your marriage.<p>GOod luck, do not let it get you down too much. My spouse was threatening divorce and saying that was the only way a month ago and now he wants a graceful way to come home... but has too much pride to admit it.... at least that is my mind reading of the situation... the nicer I am to him.. and the more I create a loving environment .. and make him fall in love with me all over again... the closer I am to getting what I want ... my family togetrher. I am reading the other harley book how to stay in love.... I think that is close to the title anyway.l.. I do like it's concept of making spouse fall in love...and that - the reason you got married in first place was strong love bond... try to recreate that with every opportunity you have... I know it is very hard. .. but this seems to really be bringing my impossible spouse back to earch somewhat... it is like he felt unloved and so strayed.. because of other pressures... and lack of upfront committment to our relationship... so anyway... <p>Good luck , do not let her threats hurt you. be strong!! [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img]

#717208 12/03/01 10:25 PM
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Hey family man, I also wanted to ad... my spouse... about 6 wks ago completely typed out a divorce filing...and emailed it to me! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>
YOur title really caught my eye... needless to say... maybe... it sent me reelling over the edge... I should of played it cool... he did not really want it.<p>I see in your spouses words that she misses you and wants to talk to you... but is feeling the hurt of plan b... let her know again why plan bing,,,... possibly in the kindest way possible... explain plan b... suggest counseling... if you have kids, even for the kids., that can bring her in... I am sure it is affecting your family dymamics! GOod luck again, Lisa [img]images/icons/tongue.gif" border="0[/img]

#717209 12/03/01 10:32 PM
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FM,<p>Your wife knows about plan B. She knows what she needs to do to get you to discuss this with her now. This sounds like an excuse to blame you once again!<p>Hang in there FM, Northeard is so right, you didn't make her come up with this decision. She chose this as her own free will.<p>FM, there's a group of us that go on MSN and chat, if you wanna join us, email me and I'll be happy to add you. If you don't have MSN, it's easy to obtain and all need is Hotmail. Chatting with others has helped us through our divorces. <p>Take care,<p>ANNA

#717210 12/03/01 10:57 PM
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<p>[ January 20, 2002: Message edited by: MMMMM ]</p>

#717211 12/04/01 03:53 AM
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Thank you all for your words. This has been the biggest challenge of my life, and your support is a blessing.<p>notheard - I hear you! My sister says if she's breathing, she's lying.:0 I did send a plan B letter in Sept., but didn't do a good plan B at that time. You are absolutely right; I would not expect her lawyer to advocate for my interests in any way.
Actually, the whole letter is a bid for control. You can see she's the innocent good guy here!<p>honey - Hi Honey! Thank you for your support. We did see a councellor our Pastor recommended; she said we had a great foundation and would be outta there in 3 or 4 visits. Of course, WS denied an affair, so the sessions weren't that helpful.<p>I started w Steve H. in April, IC in July. I went through 2 IC's; the last one said I was fine, if I need him call him. <p>You are right about what is acceptable; setting boundaries. My head knows this; sometimes it's hard to believe the total, total betrayal.<p>I will resend parts of the plan B letter. <p>Honey, I hope you get the loving relationship you deserve!<p>
Anna2000- thanks for the offer; I've e-mailed you. You are right, she knows what the issues are. Actually, blaming me here is..silly. And very controlling. <p>mylife - that's a good new name, by the way. Thank you, I also think that decisive action is tough for a WS. <p>I want to protect my interests without starting a war. I think your suggestions would help with that. <p>Her note is a trap...<p>
Thanks again! I feel stronger and stronger, and had expected something like this... but when it comes, I found it's still like.. WTF???<p>Dan

#717212 12/06/01 04:54 AM
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Hi Dan, Checking in again to see how you are on this thread. I am sorry your spouse lied in couseling, mine did too today. He did not deny affair, but insists he was going to leave me before he met her.... this is a lie. She even helped pay to rent his house.... He told me today the night before he left he had told her not to contact him, email him, etc.- and she showed up crying saying she was going to take him out on a party... (he is also an alcoholic)- I assume he was at a bar or at work, and she showed up there.... The drinking was the down spiral and then her...<p>He left the next day after her party. he told me that morning he had tried to break it off with her and could not. He admitted today they stayed out all night that night having a great time... etc, barf, barf.<p>Anyway, maybe your Spouse would go to more cousneling. Sounds like maybe not... but it did seem to help some... maybe just agree to talk there weekly for 90 day period.<p>My S was going to file... a few months back and at that time, I talked him into waiting 90 days for legal action, and going to marriage counseling to explore...<p>If we can fix marriage... and how
If we can't how we will deal with D<p>Today he even wanted to discuss D options,- this was our first session together- after a month of trying to get in... he did go once alone and so did I to this couselor. I am also in IC, and she is helping me see how mistreated I am. Sometimes I even get mad at her for making me think I should divorce and showing me how bad my S treats me. <p>My S turns things around completely and makes it all look like I am some possessed devil of a wife.????? I have loved him wholeheartedly, and tried my best to build and be part of this marrige... but he is married to alcohol right now.... <p>The IC is giving me strength. I am OK too, but hurt, mistreated, etc. I still want to save marriage and think with enough love, etc... I can... but I wonder. <p>I really want my spouse to make changes, and I do not know If he can do that... he may come back and treat me in some of the same abusive ways.... which I am so tired of living with. My IC said she wants me to make informed choices, gather information, and make a decision I will not regret regarding this marriage...<p>Anyway, back to the 90 day plan.. maybe she will go for it... did she already file papers? If not, maybe she would consider more IC. <p>I think it is sad that she is lying... but my spouse is convinced the OW has little if nothing to do with our problems most of the time... but he admitted today he would not of rented house if not for her.... AGHHH! It makes me want to scream!<p>Blessings to you, my heart it with you through this.<p>Lisa [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img]

#717213 12/06/01 05:51 PM
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Hi Honey! To me, you're sounding stronger; more sure of yourself! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>I see on your signature that you're having financial trouble; that sucks. I make what I think is pretty good $, and I'm havin' the same trouble.<p>Y'know, it seems you are growing, changing. Is your WS? He needs to understand his contribution to the problem and work on him as well. Blaming you ( that old tired WS trick) just won't get anywhere; it helps nobody.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>, and after a lot of plan aing it is looking like my spouse wants to come home but is afraid of lb's when he gets here. ... he wants to sweep everything under the rug.<hr></blockquote>
I think fear often drives WS ( ok, BS as well, but I think in general we try to find ways to deal w it that are healthy)..If he can't face such a small thing as a few lb's... <p>
If he doesn't grow, you know you will do much, much better.<p>After all, he doesn't deserve you now! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Dan


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