I've been married to a wonderful man for four and a half years. To come right to the point, I've put on some weight since the wedding. I was a size 4 when we got married, and now I'm teetering on a size 10 going on size 12. My husband too has put on a little weight since we were married, but I still find him very attractive. About three years ago, we joined a gym together and started taking martial arts classes together. It was great! We both enjoyed it so much, we went almost every night. No sitting on the couch watching TV for us! But after I started going back to school full time, we didn't have the money or the time to keep going to the gym, besides, our fave instuctor left to start his own studio. Over the past three years, I've been putting on the pounds, but amazingly, it hasn't harmed our sexual relationship. He tells me every day that he finds me beautiful, sexy and attractive and that he still desires sex with me. I enjoy sex with him and desire it myself, I just don't feel very good in my own skin right now. I know how he feels about fat people - he and his friends come up with all sorts of unkind euphemisms for overweight people. He doesn't try to disguise his disgust or disdain for fat people. But after he drools all over himself while watching the likes of Catherine Zeta-Jones, Elizabeth Hurley or some other really great looking woman on TV, he turns to me and tells me how great looking I am. Please! It sounds so insincere to me and doesn't make me feel any better. He gets mad at me if I even mention that I'm overweight. Every once in awhile, he will admit that I've gained weight. He dismisses it just as quickly though. I tell him that I'd like to get personal trainer, He tells me all I need to do is eat less and run, then the pounds will just slide right off. The clincher is that I feel as though he is trying to sabotage my efforts to lose weight. I have a gym membership at the University and then I bought a gym membership for the both of us at a discount through my job. We've gone to the gym probably five times in the last three months. I'm not allowed to go by myself because he "worries" about me. I don't get it! I thought that we could do this again: spend some time together and lose the pounds at the same time. Now, there's always an excuse NOT to go to the gym, and I would be read the riot act if I dared suggest we missed one of his shows. To make matters worse, he has the kind of metabolism that allows him to eat donuts, ice cream, soda pop and chips all the time and probably lose weight at the same time. I can be really vigilant when it comes to sticking to a diet for about a week or two - then the temptation to eat all of his treats is just too great - it's so much more fun to eat sweets and sit on the couch and watch tv. I've asked him over and over if we could please buy more healthy, non-fattening food. So, for awhile, he won't buy ice cream, but, everything else is cooked in real butter, smeared in mayonnaise,etc. etc. you get the idea. I'm torn between disgust with myself and desire for him. I want desperately to be thin again - I'm embarassed to admit it, but I outweigh my husband by about 25 pounds. I feel like I'm subjecting him to my gross body or something. I'm also terrified that if I don't do something quick, it will mean serious health issues for me - diabetes runs on both sides of my family. I'd rather die than have to give myself insulin shots every day. Help! I can't understand why we went from sharing the gym and enjoying it to nada, nothing. If he desires companionship and physical attractiveness (plus knowing how he feels about fat women), why does he seem to sabotage every effort on my part to remedy the situation? I want to be pretty again, for myself and for him, but I'm at the end of my rope - nothing seems to work, and without his support, it isn't likely anything will work.<p>[This message has been edited by Mookie (edited December 28, 1999).]

Boy, does THIS sound familiar.<P>I was at my thinnest when I met my H. Of course I was anorexic, but I was a size 8 (that's thin for me). <P>I'm not even going to TELL you how much weight I've put on since then, but I am now a size 12-14...and I'm short.<P>My weight makes me feel insecure too. I think most women feel bad about their bodies, no matter how thin they are.<P>My H has never once said anything about my weight. When I do lose (and I'm always yo-yo'ing to one degre or another), he says I'm doing fine, but he never fusses if I gain weight.<P>AND, he seems to want me to eat. I gain weight on more than 1200 calories a day (from all the yo-yo dieting I've done in my life), so I have to be very careful, and even so, I gain. But if we have low-fat ice cream, I'll say "Just a little", and he'll pile it on. If I make a cake, I'll say, "Just a small piece", and he'll cut twice as much as I want. Sometimes I think he wants me to be fat. But why? Maybe he's insecure too and figures that fat will "protect" me (and him) from advanced by other men? Maybe he thinks he's "unworthy" and is afraid I'll run off with someone else if I get attention elsewhere? <P>Maybe your H has unconscious anxieties about that too.<P>As far as looking at Catherine Zeta-Jones, well, I look at her too, and I'm as straight as they come. Men look. My H doesn't look at Camryn Manheim, he looks at the two actresses you mention. Yet, he doesn't seem to make a connection. He knows that they are "fantasy women" and I'm a real one. Your H probably doesn't even make the connection. They are fantasy, you are reality. And you know what? If I'm right, and that's where he is about it, then you ought to be thankful, instead of having some jerk who expects you to look like a movie star. Maybe he likes to LOOK at thin women but TOUCH one who's soft and cuddly.<P>So what should YOU do? First of all, you have to stop hating yourself. Self hatred isn't born of fat and it doesn't leave when the fat goes. I had eight years of lousy sex with my H and it wasn't his fault...I shut down because I felt fat. One day he said, "If you feel bad about your weight, why take it out on me?" And he was right. Haven't had a problem since. Go out and get yourself a couple of little chemise nightgowns. Don't do that nonsense with red lace teddies, just get something YOU feel sexy in. Sexuality has nothing to do with weight. You have to recognize that your worth has a person has nothing to do with your weight. You feel it does, and you resent the hell out of it, and that's why you binge.<P>10 bucks says that your H only tells you you've gained weight when you push him to. Am I right?<P>Mookie, I think that your H loves you dearly whatever your size, and he's probably afraid you'll run off with some guy from the gym. Forget the diets. Eat sensibly. If he does what my H does, put some of it back, or don't finish. Take a walk. Ask him to come with you. Accept yourself whatever your size. Be nice to yourself. Once you do that, you'll be able to do what's right for you.<P>Good luck. Post here and let me know how it goes.

Trust me I know how you feel, I was a size four when I met and married my H but four pregnancies and nine years later I’m a size 16 , My H also makes comments about how gross fat people are and I ask him since I am fat dose he feel that way about me and I get the Oh honey you are not like that. I try to get the lbs. Off but like you said it gets sabotaged every step of the way if it is not the things bought at the store I have to fix two different meals. I know it bothers my H well I truly think it dose but I don’t think he would ever say any thing about my weight except he worries about my health. <P>So if you get any answers let me know. <BR>I wish you all the best<BR><P>------------------<BR>maybe someday

Thanks for your input. I don't hate myself and I've never been anorexic or bullemic, in fact I've always been athletic and I'm not used to being this heavy. I won't bore you with the details - but I was in an accident and I had a really bad reaction to the medication the doctors started me out on. I've since recovered, but it took over two years of physical therapy to at least ease the constant pain in my left side. I'm frustrated because it seems like my body is so different now. When I first met my H, I had always eaten whatever I wanted and as much as I wanted and never really wore anything larger than a size 6. Now, if I look at ice cream I can feel my hips spread, and I don't have children or anything else to blame. I just don't understand what has changed. We used to go to the gym regularly together, but we haven't been in weeks - even when we do go, it's only sporadically. What kills me is that my H can describe in great detail the specific body parts he likes on his fave actresses. He sounds like a connoisseur of breasts, legs, behinds and faces. But, when I ask him what he likes about me when he tells me how attractive I am - he just shrugs and says he likes everything. He's so eloquent when describing the physique of some supermodel, but the cat's got his tongue when it comes to saying something specific about me. True, I do have to twist his arm to admit that I've put on some weight, but I know that he would be so much happier if the weight went away. For instance - for awhile, I was suffering from major adult acne. I had never had pimples in my life - then all of a sudden I've got tons of them all over my face, neck and shoulders. He was just as frustrated as I was with the oceans of goos, creams, lotions and potions I was trying to get rid of the zits. Finally, about three months ago, I found something that worked and my skin is clear as a summers day. Now when I catch him staring at my face, he always smiles and says something like "Wow, you're skin is so clear. It looks great! Those pimples really spoiled your looks, now you're really pretty again." So, my confusion is compounded. He can give specific compliments when they are deserved. So when he tells me I look great or that I'm sexy, but can give no specific details, I'm wondering if he's just trying to talk himself into it. I think that after the first of the year, I'm going to look into getting a personal trainer - if for no one else, for me because I don't like the way I look. From the neck down, I'm a disaster. My clothes don't fit anymore and I have to spend my money on school books, not on new clothes. Why would he be insecure about how I look anyway? I've never threatened to run away with some hunk at the gym (or anyone else for that matter).

you should do it for no one eles but for your self, and if he likes it hey theres another plus <P>------------------<BR>maybe someday

mookie, this is a common topic on this board and has been discussed so many times. i was going to write what i had learned from all those discussions but i can't think of a thing. i guess it helps to share your feeling with others.<BR>my wife has gained a lot of weight over the years. i've gained a little but i've always enjoyed working out and running and such. she has tried her whole life to loose weight and has done pretty well a few times. i think basicly she is simply less active, enjoys eating more, and less able to initate a regular exercise program. it just isn't in her. i've tried many ways, and sometimes it helps, but she won't stick with it.<BR>i've told her it hurts our sex life. and it does in a big way. i'm buying a treadmill tomorrow. i'll park it in front of the tv. she will exercise if i push her and that's just what i'm going to do. i'll be her personal trainer. i used to take her with me to a lake that had a 3 mile path around it. she would give me a 15 minute head start and she would start walking/jogging around. i would finish my 1st lap, catch up with her and walk with her a while and then finish my 2nd lap. we would finished with in 15 minutes or so of each other. i might run back to her and escort her in. i could easily see she was narrower. we lost it when i ran out of steam and disciplne to make her get ready to go. she was interferring with my program.<BR>this time, the trail will be right there, in the living room. i'm optimistic. so anyway, this is how i'm doing it.<BR>look in the mirror and say, if it's to be, it's up to me.<BR>you go girl!

When I was taking college classes I wrote a paper about this subject. What my research showed, and you're gonna hate this just like I did... men want their wives a bit **<B>less</B>** than knockout gorgeous and svelt because then other men won't look at them. They sabatauge their wives efforts to lose weight because they would rather you be a bit heavier. <P>I was a size nine when we married, and I'm tall... I weighed about 135, and you could see my rib cage. I honestly got up to nearly 300 pounds over the years. My H was VERY kind to my face, but pointed out every fat woman on the street, at 31 flavors, etc. "Boy, she needs that ice cream"... stuff like that. When I began to lose weight last year he suddenly said, "you know, you were pretty fat there for awhile"... and he'd buy candy and cookies and sweets all the ding-dong time because he and the kids didn't have a weight problem. Did I say ding-dong??? Now I'm hungry!<P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<P>Nobody knows what you want except you, and nobody will be as sorry as you if you don't get it. ~Barry Manilow