Our divorce was final on January 14. We had only been seriously discussing this since late October and I signed the agreement on Jan. 9. Everything has moved so fast that we are both emotional wrecks.
I moved out on Jan. 20. I am in an apt about 3 miles from our house. We have shared custody and the kids (3 of them) have been with each of us about half the time since then. XH and I have talked everyday, sometimes multiple times. We have had dinner together and lunch together.
He has said things to the effect of: we don't know what the future holds, maybe we could even put this back together one day....
We didn't divorce over an affair, but I do know that there is something going on between XH and a woman at his office. I have read some e-mails between them from a couple of months ago. <p>This morning I went over there to drop the kids off and he is not showered, in sweat pants and doing laundry (the sheets off of his new bed) and I just knew in my gut that she had been there. Maybe she didn't spend the night, but she was there last night. There is no way he would be washing sheets on a bed he has only had for 4 days if there wasn't some reason to. So, I left and just kissed the kids and hollered "bye" into the kitchen and walked out.
He called me in the car wanting to know what was wrong. Then he called me at work wanting to know what was wrong. I told him I was just having a harder time "moving on" than he was and I wished I could hurry up this grieveing process. I said, it would really help me to form the basis for a good relationship with you if you would be honest with me. He said, "what are you talking about?" and I said, "I am talking about the fact that you have something going on with *****". He said I had some mis-information. I said, "No, I don't. I know for a fact that there has been something between you. Now, it is not any of my business and hasn't been since January 14. But, what you did before that was my business and it would really help me to know the truth." I also told him that I didn't think he (as a partner) should be getting involved with someone at work, but that was not my place to say. He finally stopped denying it (but didn't admit it either)and wanted to know who I had been talking to and I just told him that I had not talked to anyone. That I knew this from information I had seen with my own two eyes.
I wasn't emotional or anything, but I wanted him to KNOW that I KNOW and I am not a fool and he can do whatever he damn well pleases, but I KNOW THE TRUTH.
Then, I said that I assumed he was with her last night since she had been among the office people who had gone to a bar/restaurant after work. I told him I had no information about that, but when I saw him washing the sheets I assumed she had been over there. I said something like, I am not going to follow you or have you followed - so I don't know what you do. He said, "But, you did follow me?" I said, no, I never have. But, that statement says that he thinks that is how I know about them. I of course never told him that I had seen their e-mails. So, he has no idea what exactly I know or how I know it. <p>I should probably add that since I moved out, we have had absolutely incredible sex 3 times. Each time we have said to each other, "What are we doing?" He asked me what my thoughts were about why we were being intimate, and I said, "I guess my gut thoughts are that I still love you and care for you and of course am attracted to you. I physically feel this "urge" (that I know you are familiar with) and I have no intention of beginning any new relationship or seeking out someone to date or have sex with. When the thought of "other men" comes into my mind, I can't get excited at all. But, the familiar and comfortable thought of you is very arousing.
Maybe we are more attractive to each other as singles? Weird. Maybe this will pass and we are just in transition? Maybe who knows?
I feel more sexually aggressive than I have in years - maybe that is just being 37?
I don't think we are hurting each other as long as we can be honest and talk about it." <p>Anyway, I know I have to stop the physical intimacy. I am not willing to just date him while he is "dating" someone else. But, I think our relationship can be restored. What on earth do I do??????

To answer your first question, yes I do have a successful plan A story after divorce. No I'm not back with my x nor will I ever be but that's not what plan A is about in my opinion.<p>However, it was the foundation for us to be able to come to terms and co-parent. Had I lashed out as she did then that probably wouldn't of been possible. Plus it has helped my healing and it has assisted me in creating friendships.<p>Now onto the good stuff. Please STOP SLEEPING WITH HIM RIGHT NOW. Color the picture any way you want or make any excuses you want but the fact is that it is not just sex and you know it. Trust me I did this for a while with my ex and it wasn't until I finally said NO that I was able to move on in the greiving process. She still hits on me quite a bit and everytime I say no, I know that I am healing.<p>Hope the kids are adjusting......

Thanks for your reply, LH.
I must have miscommunicated somewhat based on your comments. Of course, I realize that this is not "just sex". I am incapable of having "just sex".
I want this to be so much more.<p>One of my questions concerning a post-d plan a is this: If Plan A is about meeting your partner's top ENs, making deposits, avoiding LBs, improving yourself to make you a desirable choice, and his TOP, TOP, TOP EN is SF - then should I be doing this or not?

Wiffle... be careful about letting him know you spied on his email. I did that with my H between he and his sister when she was asking him to choose between her and me... and I had to read and copy it or I would not have believed what I was reading...<p>Anyway, I told him during cslg that I read and copied this email... he now considers that as one of my biggest betrayals of him and I really don't think he'll forgive me for that one.<p>So, just thought I'd tell you my experience with the spying thing. Also, do you REALLY want to know about your H and the OW if there is indeed one? Take the high road... you are divorced. If you do know the truth, it will hinder your ability to Plan A effectively for him to realize what he left behind...<p>I regret now knowing what I found out on his email because of the damage it did to me personally and it ruined the trust between us emotionally.<p>Take care,
Nicole<p>ps - Oh, and Bill... NEVER say never... didn't we talk about this?<p>[ January 29, 2002: Message edited by: OvrCs ]</p>

Nicole,
Thanks for the advice and input about letting him in on how I know what little I do know. I agree that he would really be mad if he thought I snooped in his e-mail. And he should be. I shouldn't have done it - it was an invasion of privacy and all of that. So, I don't plan to ever tell him or to go there again. I don't really want to know anymore than I know right now.<p>Thanks again,
Wiffle

Wiffle,<p>Believe me there was no miscommunication in my response. <p>First let me address the current sex. Again, if you want to heal, please stop it. Sure it's enjoyable and you feel safe with him but what is the emotional cost you must pay for each encounter? I have been there and done that so I speak from some experience. Personally I am not capable of having "just sex" and each experience left me wanting more and wondering why we couldn't still be together. Obviously, this really hendered my healing process and as I said it wasn't until I quit having sex that I was able to heal. And believe me it's a temptation that I am faced with on a weekly basis. Just last week my x wanted to do it, I resisted the urge, and I know that I did the right thing FOR ME and for my kids. <p>Now on to a Post-D "Plan A", now a lot of this is my own interpretation and from the experience that I have had over the last year. First off, I believe that you need to focus more on yourself and less on what you do for him. Seek your happiness and let that happiness show through to him. Yes, avoid LB'ing, but much of that comes from your inner happiness anyway. Instead of looking at it as "making yourself desirable to him" look at it as "making yourself desirable to yourself". To me the whole plan A thing is about becoming the best you that you can and when other people see what a great person you are then they are attracted to that. Plus it helps in our everyday relationships with people.<p>You could say that I am still in a Plan A mode with my X. I am very nice to her, I compliment her, if she needs assistance I am there, I do not LB, if she needs a shoulder to cry on mine is always the first she calls, and yes she sees what a different and great person I have become, I think. Personally, I do this so that "we" can work together in raising our daughters. So the next question is should we have sex? NO!!!! Sex is too emotional for me and it hurts me emotionally causing me not to be the best person I can be because quite frankly I feel used when it's done and it leaves me longing for a true relationship.<p>Another thing about a Plan A is that when you find peace and happiness within yourself it is amazing how your x looks to you. Suddenly, the world doesn't revolve around them and you begin to realize that you deserve happiness as well. And you see the one-sided sacrifises made during your relationship. Then all of sudden the person you once loved doesn't look quite so desirable because you will realize the emotional cost you will have to pay to be in that relationship. But yes, I still love my X, unfortunately that person is no longer with us and she will never be. <p>As Nicole reminded me, there may be a point in life when our paths will cross again but it is not something that I will place any false hope in. Plus in my next relationship with whomever it is, I want to be healthy and happy. I know now what I desire but more importantly what I deserve and the next time around I will not settle. If I have set the bar to high and remain a bachelor for the rest of my days, that's ok but I won't settle. I won't settle for be used as someone sex toy to be discarded at the end of an evening. I won't settle for being emotionally strangled for the sake of anothers happiness.<p>Here I go rambleing on again. Bottom line for me is that I am now a Father first and foremost. I am totally dedicated to my three girls (12, 9, & 6) and to be the best father I can be I must be happy. When my X was using me for sex I wasn't happy and it interfered with my duties as a dad and that won't happen again.<p>Hugs, Thoughts, & Prayers