Hello...<p>I'm a little MIFFED right now so if I seem a little on edge, I apologize in advance.<p>So, can anyone tell me if they have an effective co-parenting plan and WHAT (pray tell) the elements of such a plan are?!<p>My situation (briefly): you may know my H and I have been separated for 18+ months. We've been living in a duplex situation for the last six. He's upstairs and I'm on the ground floor.<p>I have been working consulting mostly from home with an occasional trip overseas to facilitate, train, teach or participate in meetings. He, on the other hand, works mostly in the area at an office... with an occasional international trip for his program.<p>So, we share three beautiful boys. I'm at home most of the time doing the running and general "at home" mom type things... whereas sugar daddy slides in around 5:30 pm and does his thing with the boys until they go to bed 7:30 or 8:00pm.<p>So, now the deal - I have this conference tomorrow here in this town (speaker came in from California)... I write my H an email asking him if he can come home from work early on Tuesday and work from home while the boys are here. If it's a problem, could he let me know. The assumption is, if he cannot do it or if there is a problem, he needs to inform me. He write no acknowledgment of the email (which I think is rude) and says nothing. So, today, towards the end of the day, I send him the same email reminding him of the situation. <p>Suddenly, he has a problem with it because he has to work. Okay, so maybe in the past I would have cancelled and said "Ok, I'll skip it." But not this time, I've already made arrangements with people to meet them and we're carpooling to the event. So, a couple hours later he calls me (reminder, he's right upstairs) and asks if I can find someone to babysit for a little bit in the afternoon. YEAH RIGHT! It's the bloody night before?! So, I told him it's too late to find someone - in an aggrevated tone. I WISH I would have had the presence of mind to say, "Gee that's an idea. Maybe you could find someone to help you out." Because it was UP to him to let me know if this was going to be a problem... now it seems he is trying to throw the monkey back on my back and I used to take that and try to resolve the issue myself!<p>SO, my question is... we have to have a co-parenting plan... the marriage is OVER but only on HIS terms. He hasn't filed any papers nor prepared any as far as I can tell... and yet, he just expects me to be there doing all the things I always do. <p>I NEED A PLAN! I have contacted Steve Harley 4 times in the past year and he's not been able to help me draw one up... mainly I think he's stupified that I would have agreed to these living conditions... <p>So, please... give me some thoughts! What are the elements of a successful co-parenting plan! I'm tired of rescuing and enabling his selfish childish behavior so that he can "Live his own life!!!" Bleachhh...<p>
Thx...
Nicole

Hi Nicole,<p>Since I am not sleeping and probably never will again, I thought I might give you some thoughts. <p>I do not have children, but in college I took many child psych classes. I can not immagine this arrangement being good for the boys? What picture are you sending them? Not to mention your life. If in fact, for sure, your marriage is over. Are you sure? Do either of you date? How odd is that, if you do? Do you love him still? If not why the living arrangement. seems very convenient for him.<p>Just some things to think about. Like I said, I have no children. Wish I did. Was thnking about having a little one jsut in Decemeber. But now, I guess it's not going to happen. My H and I would have made great parents. we are a good team of balance. Anyway...sorry for rambling. <p>Lets have dinner for sure. Give you time to talk and me time to listen and think. <p>Michelle

Hmmm, your situation sounds a little wierd, to be honest. Neither one of you has filed, you think its over, but you sound like you do not want it to be, obviously with working on Plan A. But been a long time...and nothing seems to be "going on" the way you talk. Have you ever given him an "ultimatum"? Saying enough is enough, either we are going to work on this, do something such as counseling or that you are going to file for divorce? I mean, I hate to say this, but its been a long time, and seems like he is doing as he pleases when he wants. Getting the best of both worlds. Are you two ever intimate at all?
Anyway, unfortunately, my W and i have been seperated over a year, she has filed 2 times now, and I think it is over, I do nto want it to be. I lvoe her and our kids. We have 3 girls, 9,7,2...
Anyway...my advice, just from what you said above, that it is about time to put your foot down......good luck and keep me up to date.
Tony

Hate to do this, but it's time. He is getting all of the benefits, and none of the responsiblities. All on his terms is right. <p>Is this a duplex you guys own? It probably seems like a good idea in theory, before my [censored] had his accident we actually seriously considered it. The only thing is, it will not allow you to effectively Plan B, or to get on with things. And can you imagine if he ever brought anyone home. It would make me crazy.<p>I would suggest that you get a mediator, call your county human services, or the family court commissioners office. They can help you make a plan, and even if you decide to continue living in the duplex with him, the co-parenting plan is a good idea. <p>You need to do what feels right for you, but it might be time to make some breaks to give both of you a little time and experience to see what a true divorce or seperation is like. He might be suprized at what it is like, and you might actually enjoy the freedom. <p>Elizabeth<p>PS - No girls night out in Chicago without including me please!<p>[ February 18, 2002: Message edited by: justthewife ]</p>

There are LOTS of books on co-parenting out there.
Just check your local library.<p>Ones recommended to me were Co-Parenting After Divorce, and Mom's House Dad's House.<p>The plan can be as simple and as extensive as you want it to be. It can include dicipline, bed times, religion, how to resolve disputes amongst yourselves when one of you will allow the children to do something and the other parent will not, it can cover whether or not you'll allow the children to buy/ride on a motorcycle etc. <p>However, it's not enforceable unless you have a separation or divorce in the works. <p>My WH is teh same way - wants me to just be mom, and let him take the kids whenever he feels like it. The kids have no stability in their lives and neither do I - so my decision was, after three - four months of being at his beck and call to file and get basically a separation of finances and custody agreement. <p>I'm sure it's been recommended but I'd read the book Boundaries or Boundaries in your Marriage again if you haven't done it recently. Unless you see some hope, 18 months sounds like a rather long Plan A. <p>How can the H respect you if you let him walk all over you. I know it's tempting because of the kids and no one wants to end the marriage, but I'd start trying to strengthen my self esteem and build myself up to prepare myself for an eventual Plan B or separation. A little Tough Love may be in order.<p>And just to warn you. Adults that have never had any boundaries, do not like it when you finally set some - but it's for their, yours and the kids own good.<p>K

Hi all...<p>Thanks for your words of encouragement and advice. Yes, it is time for something. We'll see. I have to find a job... I have one on the line but that might include a relo to DC... ouch. But, it could be the clean break I need.<p>I do like having him around to help with things on occasion but his constant rejection makes it virtually impossible for me to heal. So, I'm just trying to detach and formulate a co-parenting plan.<p>He doesn't like any sort of boundaries from me... he seems to turn it back on me as though I'm manipulating him. He's not nasty just self-interested... well also interested in the kids, of course.<p>No, we're not dating anyone else. No divorce yet. No, we're not intimate at all... he gives me a stiff arm if I try to hug or give him a cheek kiss. He's like punishing me and I've withdrawn from that. He is trying to work together... keep the peace but only if he's driving the situation... and doesn't at all like it if I mix up the controls and try to live my own life.<p>Justthewife where in Chicago are you? I'm in Wheaton - west suburbs.<p>Godisincontrol love your name... and YES indeed He is... so I'm trying to discern from HIM what to do. I don't have clear indication to give the guy the boot. But, I do like your suggestions of getting a plan from the county or a mediator. <p>My H is supposed to get the papers drawn up but he's drawing that process all out. I don't know what's up with that. NO, I do not want this divorce nor this situation... but this seems inevitable... and it's not that I don't believe God can turn it around... God does though give each of us free will and my H has so chosen to exercise his free will in the way he has. It would be short of a complete miracle for him to have a change of heart... it's very hard and very bitter.<p>I'll check out those books... maybe head to the library to do so.<p>Anyway, take care and thanks for your support. Most days I'm okay but every now and then I just have this melt down.<p>Tryin' to do the best I can... the kids are settled... yes, this is a little confusing for them. I think maybe this is a transitionary time so that we don't abruptly do anything in their lives... but I can't live like this forever... H says he can live like this until the kids are in HS. Well, I can't and I don't think God wants something like that for the kid's either... I don't know... who can know the mind of God?!<p>Take care!<p>Shalom,
Nicole

Nicole, I was reading your post and realized that there are several more MBers in Chicago! Aries55 (a former poster) and I are both in Naperville. If anyone is interested in meeting, let us know! <p>hurting_mb@hotmail.com

Yes, by all means! Naperville?! You're my neighbor! We should/could have a dinner gathering! Did you know that at Blanchard Road Alliance Church on the first and 3rd Saturdays of each month there is a group of women who've been in relationship problems/hurting women - they meet to share and then some of them go out to lunch afterwards! I've been once but haven't been able to go since then.<p>The church is on the corner of Naperville Road and Blanchard Road in Wheaton. That could be one possibility and also getting some help from the group as well! Or, we could just meet for dinner sometime! <p>Take care!<p>Nicole

Nicole, you have mail [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

Hey homefries! I am in Madison, WI during the week, and Northbrook, IL on weekends. Mom and Dad live in Northbrook, so it gives me a chance to have a few moments alone cause they love watching the kids so much. <p>No problem driving to Wheaton for me, I went to WIU and came home most every weekend, so the west burbs are just a hop and skip for me.<p>Elizabeth

I think a co-parenting plan would be a great idea of we could get the x's to actually comply. My x does very little to help me. She "cannot get people to work for her" even though she calls me about once a month to change her schedule because she is working for someone.
Two years ago when I went out of town for work, I hired a college girl to come in and watch the kids while I was gone for two nights. The x actually came and kidnapped the kids.<p>Okay kidnapp may be a little strong, but she got off work and came and got the kids and took them for the night. The babysitter was caught in the middle, because I never thought it would happen and hadn't forwarned her.<p>What also happens is if I make a big deal about it, then she says om/h can watch the kids. She knows that hits a nerve with me when she says that. She has been pretty good about not doing that since last spring when she tried that and we got in an arguement and she got in my face and I bum rushed her out of the house. Not the smartest move on my part(om/h called and threatened to take legal action if I ever did anything like that again) but it seemed to get my point across. She took vacation last time I had to go out of town for an extended time.<p>I have also asked x to bring the kids to church way back in the early fall. SHe never did until I again reminded her daughter was going thru confirmation and had to be there. I have to keep on the kids about taking church clothes too as she won't bring them over if they forget.<p>Have had no luck in getting her to not have the kids have sleep overs both nights of the weekends they are with her. By Tues they are both both dead tired and I have deal with them then.<p>They are offering a coparenting class here locally. The big thing it was based on was communication. I think if we could communicate with our spouses, most of us wouldn't be divorced. Why would it be any better now????

Yes... I know what you mean about the communication thing. I think you're exactly right. I told my X that... you think we had problems communicating WHILE married, it's only going to disintegrate as we dissolve this 10 year marriage! <p>So, WE need to learn skills to communicate better!<p>Anyway, I've tried that on him before... would you allow a surgeon to operate on you without her/him having the proper training? What makes you think a married person has the proper skills to communicate!? Getting married requires NO previous experience... in fact, they say that it's better if there ISN'T previous experience... so what... we're just wired to communicate? I think not... okay do NOT get me started!<p>Too late... I'm going to bed!

hurtinginil,<p>haven't seen you around in a very long time. how are things with you?