Hi Folks,<p>I know each state (and circumstances are different), but need some input on how to prepare for divorce.<p>How long does the process take from filing to granting of divorce?<p>What kind of $ are we talking to make this happen?<p>Don't know how much this matters but I want the house and (primary?) custody of the kids. He'll likely fight me just to be spiteful.<p>Thanks,
Enlightened

I live in ohio, it takes anywhere from 60 days to over a year, my lawyer was 2500, plus 150 an hour for extra's, then there was here lawyer and then the fee's to buy house and the missed work, probably final cost was around 10,000. Each state is alittle different, and remember treat the legal side of it as a bussiness transaction and look out for you and kids, custody battle might be more money

(((Enlightened)))<p>Yuck!<p>You&#8217;re exactly right things differ pretty dramatically by state. I got divorced last year in KANSAS. I&#8217;ll just go through a time-line with you:<p>May 2nd &#8211; Took the day off and consulted with a couple of attorney&#8217;s. FREE<p>May 4th &#8211; Took the afternoon off and filed. $2,000 retainer. Only to find out that she had filed the day before.<p>May 8th &#8211; Temporary Orders hearing. This is where temporary child support, alimony, and parenting plan is put into effect. We were also ordered to &#8220;Mediation&#8221; to attempt to agree on all of the above.<p>June 28th &#8211; Mediation $150. Agreed only on holiday schedule and taxes in three hours.<p>July 6th &#8211; Meeting with attorney 1 hour.<p>July 10th &#8211; Took morning off from work Divorce finalized. All maters of financial and custody set for trial on Sep 11th.<p>Aug 14th &#8211; Emergency Court Session for Decision on where the children will attend school.<p>Sep 11th &#8211; Took off all day for trail. Yes I&#8217;ll always remember where I was. Anyway my X fought about everything throughout the whole ordeal and I did the same. We ended up settling out of court at the 11th hour.<p>Total Cost to Me: $5,500. Keep in mind we actually ended up settling everything outside of court.<p>My advise is that if you are able to work things out outside of court then that will usually be what&#8217;s &#8220;Best for the Children&#8221;. If either side is mean, nasty, or greedy then it&#8217;s probably the children who are going to lose in the end.<p>Hugs, Thoughts, & Prayers

Thanks jabber and LostHusband!<p>Sounds like I need $2000-$3000 upfront. <p>Also, are the lawyers involved in mediation? If not, seems like that is less costly way to go.<p>I don't want to fight or be mean, etc. I just want to be free. I will, however, fight for the kids and feel like whoever has the kids should have the house. But, I will move if necessary.<p>What are some things that we can potentially agree on up front to save some time and money?<p>Thanks,
Enlightened

I haven't followed your story. So please tell me how old the children are and their sexes.<p>
It may be easier if you e-mail me:
bill@salinaplaningmill.com

Enlightened,<p>I think you&#8217;ll find that the courts these days are leaning more towards &#8220;mediation&#8221; to resolve issues, letting families try to work out the issues. Mediation can either be with attorneys present or not, depending on circumstances. And it is possible to just agree in mediation on certain things and save other things for trial.<p>Items that you need to think about:
1. Parenting Plan (Custody arrangements)
2. Child Support
3. Alimony
4. Holiday Schedule
5. Taxes
6. Property Settlement<p>So are y&#8217;all separated now? If so, how are you handling the children? <p>Most states have standard formula&#8217;s or guidelines for child support but that is something that can also be working out through mediation. <p>The first thing that I did was to read my States Statue&#8217;s on divorce and child custody. I did some research on the Judges in my county to see how they tended to rule. By the time I was ready to file I pretty much knew what to expect. Personally, I do believe that for all parties involved it&#8217;s best to try to mediate to an agreement.<p>Hugs, Thoughts, & Prayers

Hi Enlightened,<p>I got divorced in the state of California and we were able to get everything settled out of court. I did have an advantage that my exH was getting pressured by his OW for a speedy divorce so that they could get married. Their original wedding date was about 10 days after our divorce was supposed to be final (made plans, sent out invites, the whole nine yards) and then had to postpone the wedding by 4 weeks so that he would not commit bigamy (wasn't sure our divorce would be final by the time of their original wedding date).<p>Unfortunately we had significant assets so there was a lot to come to an agreement over. I think I would have come out ahead financially if I had, at the beginning of the divorce process, asked my attorney what color 320 series BMW he would like and we could call it even.<p>Hope this doesn't scare you. My only advice to you is make sure you stand your ground and do not cave in to any manipulations that your STBX might dish out to you.<p>Pat

Thanks LostHusband and Barrington!<p>Your input is helpful. I'm going to spend some time doing so research on divorce in my state and start to put together what I think is a fair settlement. <p>Hopefully we can come to an agreement outside of the courts.<p>BTW, my girls are 8 and 11.<p>Enlightened

So much depends on the state you live in.<p>Here is how it works in NJ. If you and the stbx can agree and there aren't any custody issues you can go to what they call a Divorce Center and file the papers yourself. The cost is about $200. In most cases, there are issues so you will need to get a lawyer. The retainer fee is anywhere from $2,000 to $5,000. Don't be surprised when you go through that in a month. You will be charged for everything. If your spouse is difficult...the bill can go through the room.<p>In NJ depending on what grounds you file under will determine the length of time you need to wait. No fault is 18 months...Emotional Cruelty is anywhere from four to six months, but could take longer if the two parties don't agree on the settlement. Most people will file under emotional cruelty because the list of what constitutes emotional cruelty is long...and varied; anything from going out too much to not taking a shower enough. Adultery; if there is proof is automatic.<p>Costs....and time...I filed in March 2000 under Emotional Cruelty and was finally divorced in May 2001. The cost $18K. My ex was difficult and played every game to drag it out and drive the cost up.

Thanks HappyMac!<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>The cost $18K. My ex was difficult and played every game to drag it out and drive the cost up. <hr></blockquote><p>Geez Louise! That much.<p>There are probably one or two things that my H would genuinely want to fight for. I am more concerned that he has close friends who are attorneys and would advise him to go for the whole nine yards. In fact, one of my (many) issues with him is that he is too easily influenced by others (i.e. will break our agreements because someone else advised him otherwise)<p>Other than trying to agree to as much as possible beforehand, how do I avoid dragging this out if he chooses to not to play nicely?<p>Enlightened

Enlightend...I don't know what you can do if he wants to drag things out. My ex did it because, as he put it, "didn't want a divorce." His strategy was to literally squeeze me so hard financially, I would have no choice. Well, we all do have choices, even if they aren't good ones. <p>One of the things my misinformed ex wanted was a trial. Who has a jury trial over a divorce? He wanted one, so he could have his day in court and tell the world what a terrible person I was. Every time we went to court to settle, he would change his mind. When there was no time left...the divorce was slated to go to trial. I had to take two days off from work and spend too many billable hours with the attorney for trial preparation. The day of the trial, I still didn' know what would happen. I had to pay for two attorneys...a litagator and my attorney. Finally, after hours of playing, "Lets make a deal" out in the hall, the ex agreed to settle. He pushed it to the last and final second. This is why my attorney fee was threw the ceiling.<p>Was it worth it? Yes.

ENLIGHTENED,<p>See if amazon.com has a book called "how to do your own divorce in ______ (your state)." or how to file your own.... I used it in TExas and it didn't cost me a penny, not even filing fees! <p>If you need more info, please email me. I will be happy to help anyway I can.<p> franklymydear59@yahoo.com