I want to tell my kids (B-8 G-5 G-2)that I still love thier mommy even though she doesn't love me and wants another man, I want them to know that I do not want to divorce but mommy does and that mommy is doing a veru bad thing right now having an affair. Is this appropriate? They do know what is going on as they are very smart and they know she talks to him on the phone all the time. The night she left to stay with him they called her at his house and begged her to come home (she wouldn't) so they are aware that she "loves" another man and not their daddy. How do I approach this?

God, I&#8217;d love to tell my girls all the crap that my X pulled but the fact of the matter is that it of no benefit to them to know. If fact some of this information will be harmful to them. So yes, I believe that it is OK to tell them that you don&#8217;t want to divorce their mommy but beyond that I think things are better left unsaid. <p>The problems between you and your wife need to stay between y&#8217;all. The innocent victims here, the children, don&#8217;t need to be burdened by your problems. They just need to know and feel loved by both of you. They need safety and security. The children love you both and you should never do anything to interfere with that on either side. Sometimes it does suck being the &#8220;good&#8221; guy. But as you said they are smart and they will figure things out. <p>One other thing, it would be in no one&#8217;s best interest to ever state something like &#8220;you&#8217;re mommy is doing a very bad thing&#8221;. Do nothing to ever drive a wedge between them and their mom. Afterall, I&#8217;m sure that you want the kids to have a great relationship with both of you because that&#8217;s what is best for them.

Hello,
This is probably going to sound like I am unsympathetic to you but I don't mean it that way.
There are lots of feelings to consider here besides yours. Your children may be aware of what is going on to some degree, however, it sounds to me that you are so interested in getting you feelings validated in this situation, that you may not have looked far enough ahead to realize what this might do to them (kids). Kids don't need all of the sorted details of affairs and who is right and who is wrong. The best thing you can do is to buffer them just a little by letting them know you still love them and their mother, but som,etimes things just don't work out between adults like we planned. My guess, and I'm speaking from experience, is sooner or later you are not going to feel this undying love for your wife. I stayed with my husband after his sick little affair (not an average affair) because I thought I loved him soooo much that I would do anything just to be with him. I don't hate him but I can't stand to be with him anymore. This all started when my kids were 3 and 1, then continued throught the birth of my third son and then I caught him in the act when I was pregnant with my daughter. That was almost 15 years ago. I knew nothing of this until I caught him, then he told me how long it had been going on. Talk about feeling like a fool. Who knows how many more there have been and frankly at this point I don't care. I think you should find someone to talk to about your hurt and feelings and just keep it simple with the kids at this point. My kids are 20,18,17 and 14 now. They are wonderful kids but we have all been through hell and back trying to work this marriage out. I'm not telling you what to do, but if I had to do over, knowing what I do now, I would have left him then and had a different life. I have learned much about myself through this and all was not lost. Find youself worth. Wives and husbands are something to cherish, however we are worth just as much without them as with. They do not increase our value, they are not responsible for our inner peace and happiness, we are. They can add to it or take away from it, but that's it. You are hurting now and want your kids to know it's not your doing, but if you continue to love them and help them to feel secure, they don't need to know who is at fault. They need to be able to love their mother also. I never told my kids anything of the affair because I didn't want them to view their father in that light. Eventually, they were able to see for themselfs what a jerk he is. Also telling them what you feel they need to know may backfire on you. I never discussed my problems with anyone other than a counselor at that time because, in the event we worked this out and put it behind us, everyone would have a clouded view of him, or feel pity for me. I wanted neither.

Don't count on eventually not loving your wife anymore. Love doesn't disappear. My H has been gone for three years, and my love for him has not gone away.<p>Affairs are wrong, and to pretend otherwise would be a disservice to your children. To pretend that marriages just "don't work out" is also a disservice, unless your goal is to have your kids grow up thinking divorce is an acceptable path whenever you are not perfectly "happy" with your life. <p>If a spouse were jailed for income tax evasion or robbing a bank, should the other parent pretend that what the jailed parent did was not wrong, in an attempt to prevent having a "wedge" driven between the parent and children? Of course not. <p>Children (and adults) are perfectly capable of continuing to love their parents even when the parents are doing something wrong. Love is not conditional. To assume that a child's love for his parents is conditional is not only wrong, but disrespectful to the child.

I would talk to a child counselor that is Christian and one that you trust.<p>It has taken me months, but I'm learning that my WH will lie to the children about everything, so even if I would say that he is doing something wrong, he would immediately say that he wasn't.<p>He hurts them so much by being so matter of fact about everything already, that they are having a hard enough time dealing with that pain.<p>The advice that I've been given from counselors and priests are - 1. don't lie if the ask you a quesiton. Your 8 year old is old enough to ask questions but the 5 year old is probably still in their own blissful little world. 2. If they ask something that they don't need to know the answer to then it's ok to tell them that. The 8 year old will try to place blame on one of the parties as well as badger you for answers, but it's really in their best interest no to cloud theor minds with adult things. 3. It's ok to let them know that what is happening makes you sad - you can cry in front of them - don't hide your feelings. Now don't go over board either, but they need to see your honest reaction. <p>I just talked to one of my WH's best men at his wedding whose father left his mom for OW. He says to this day he can't say that he loves his dad, and he and his mom are best friends. So it was a hard lesson for me to learn, but remember - we're in this for the long haul - years - the kids don't have to make a judgement on this right now. They will feel the pain by the very nature of the affair and divorce, and they will know who is responsible. Kids also like to blame the OP for breaking up the marriage. So be patient. K

This is a hard question. I have been advised to tell the truth, but on my child's level, and to stress the positive. I have a very articulate 4 year old. She has asked question after question about the divorce and her father's eventual remarriage. I struggled with the line between not speaking poorly about her father and new OW stepmother and my belief that there IS right and wrong, and marriage is for life. My daughter knows that her daddy didn't want to be married to mommy anymore, but his leaving isn't the way God set it up. She also knows her daddy still loves her. <p>Harder for me were OW questions, as she and her H (ex now) were our best friends and our children grew up together. She kept asking why Jen didn't come over to our house anymore, and why Daddy and Jen were together. I told her that Jen and Mommy used to be friends, but they aren't anymore, but that I was glad Jen was nice to her. When she wouldn't let it go, and asked if Jen was mean to Mommy, I said yes, but the important thing was that Jen was nice to her. <p>It is hard enough to deal with your own feelings, and then when my daughter asks all these questions, I just want to yell the truth! But I know my daughter's well being is more important then my need for 'my side' to be told. Good luck. These poor little ones... they are the innocent victims. [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img]

Well, I haven't posted for a long time d/t divorce circumstances but this question is one that is not a black and white issue.<p>First, I have 3 kids. 6,4,3,. My Ex had affair with woman #1 who did baby sitting for us. She was Div. x2 and had 2 kids. My kids loved her but didn't really understand why she left our life. When I first found out about affair, that was the beginning of the end of our marriage although I did everything to save it. He did nothing except get rid of #1 and move in with OW #2. OW#2 was a widow of 1 year (husband died of cancer within 1 year) has 3 kids of her own 13, 11, 8. H moved into her home with her kids and had my kids over there spending time and nights immediately, telling me it was a "good family" enviornment.<p>The day we told the kids that he was leaving, I did it by myself because he was late coming home, without calling, of course. I told them that Daddy didn't want to live with Mommy anymore, this had nothing to do with them, etc. Told them that daddy was moving into Mrs. OW #2's house. While my kids were extremely upset, they didn't really understand what all this meant. at that time, H almost immediately was telling kids that these other kids were going to be step bros and sis, etc. <p>They have continually asked me questions about marriage and family. I choose to inform them by the Word. God says this is wrong and it is not the right thing to do. As my children grow, their questions grow in the depth of their questions. I do not LIE to them but I do not give hateful, condeming information. I give them the truth, not details. My ex is so warped and sick that everything he does is wacky and warped. He left almost 1 year ago but I have been living in pain for 2.5 years and just now is it starting to improve (i will post my trials soon).<p>One thing that ex says to kids, which I Hate and haven't figured out how to respond to them, is that exH tells them that he still loves me but that he is "not in love" with me. No wonder this society is warped. Marriage committment and vows mean nothing. Don't like something, get a new one.<p>Your children do not truly understand what is happening. Your 8 y/o does now that daddy is gone and he misses that terribly. One thing I found, I get all the hostility, anger, saddness, etc feelings thrust upon me because I am the "safe" one. Abandonment is a big issue whether expressed directly or indirectly. They are afraid that you might leave too.<p>My kids have seen many of my crying episodes and even some angry ones(very limited). I tell them the truth that it makes me sad, and hurt but this was a choice that daddy.<p>Choose your words wisely. If you don't know what to say at the moment, don't say anything but come back after you thought about it. Do what is comfortable for you. Do what has value and meaning to you. Details are not needed. They don't need to know everything.<p>Divorce sucks for all, especially the kids. As I learned the other day, they are not my kids. They are only my kids when they are with me. I have given them to God all the time but especially when they are with him.<p>Good book to read by Cloud and Townsend "Boundaries, When to say yes and when to say no to take control of YOUR LIFE.<p>Hopelessmom

OOOOOPS! Sorry, you are the husband and not the wife. Please forgive my mistake.<p>hopelessmom