Hi, I have two children, my son is 3.5 years and my daughter is 16 months and I totally hate staying at home. I am miserable, it is effecting my marriage. I have had to take antidepressants in the past and am now finally coming off them. I really had no past career and my husband works shift work. I just don`t know what to do. I find disciplining my children exhausting, and feel so confused in what form of discipline to use. Time out doesn`t work for my son, unfortunetly only spanking does. All of those so called experts say do this do that, but they don`t live in my house. I find staying at home stressful and I just don`t enjoy my children. Any suggestions. I must of missed out on the mommy gene.

Hello Quest,<P>I was thinking of how to respond to your post without being too opinionated. I am soory that you are feeling that way, I want to acknowledge your fellings though. Have you talked to your husband about this? What made you stay at home in the 1st place? Did you feel obligated to or was it b/c you wanted to? Do you get to see a lot of other adults where by you can have stimulating adult conversations? Having 2 young children to take care of full-time can be stressful? Do you get antime alone by yourself?<P>I am asking all these questions to get some more insight into what exactly might be going on. You said that you did not have a career before...would you be able to take some classes, even 1, just to upgrade your skills. Would it be possible for you to get a sitter one morning a week to give you a break from the kids? Staying at home can be a rewarding experience for both kids & parents..but you have to enjoy it.Talk to me......

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by I'mafool:<BR><B>Hello Quest,<P>I was thinking of how to respond to your post without being too opinionated. I am soory that you are feeling that way, I want to acknowledge your fellings though. Have you talked to your husband about this? What made you stay at home in the 1st place? Did you feel obligated to or was it b/c you wanted to? Do you get to see a lot of other adults where by you can have stimulating adult conversations? Having 2 young children to take care of full-time can be stressful? Do you get antime alone by yourself?<P>I am asking all these questions to get some more insight into what exactly might be going on. You said that you did not have a career before...would you be able to take some classes, even 1, just to upgrade your skills. Would it be possible for you to get a sitter one morning a week to give you a break from the kids? Staying at home can be a rewarding experience for both kids & parents..but you have to enjoy it.Talk to me......</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Hello,<BR>You must be a woman, this is exactly how I feel when I say what I really feel when woman are present. Don`t get me wrong I love my children, I just don`t find staying at home a rewarding experience. I don`t have alot of adult companionship, one very close girlfriend. The rest of women in my neighbourhood work. My husband works shift work, so going to school is out at the moment. I do plan to eventually create myself a job as a personal fitness trainer, I have always loved exercise. I was just stating how I truly feel, alot of women may feel as I do (all in varying degress of course) but they fear speaking out. Not all women find being a parent wonderful. I can still say that I am a good mom, but it sure isn`t easy spending 13 hr days with two little children. <BR>In regards with the breaks, my son goes to nursery school 4 days a week only for 2.5 hrs and then hopefully my daughter naps during this time ( an hour to an hour and a half tops) So this can be the only break I may get in an entire day, plus the usual house work, meals etc. I guess as they get older it will get easier or so I hope. Yes more adult companionship would be helpful, but I am more of an introvert, and since I feel differntly than alot of women I can`t seem to relate. Also staying at home with my kids just kind of happened since I didn`t have a job that I wanted to return too and it didn`t even pay enough to warrent hiring a sitter. I guess motherhood isn`t what I expected. Thanks for your suggestions.<BR>

Hi Quest,<P>Yes, I am female but I am trying to understand your feelings. Do not feel that you have to hide them.<P>What were your expectations of motherhood? You said this is not what you expected? How long have you been feeling this way? Did you even WANT to have children in the 1st place?<P>Sorry to be asking so many questions but I am trying to get a deeper understanding. Do you think you might be depressed? Does your husband know that you feel this way? Do you have any kind of support groups or anyhting like that nearby or that you could get involved in?<P>If you hate being at home, I would suggest that you look for a job to see if that makes you feel any better. I know that you said your last one was not worth returning to but perhaps you could look for another one? What did you mean when you said you do not enjoy your children?

Hello,<BR>No I am not depressed, I was though, but not now. I guess I should give you some past history and maybe it will give you some insight on why I feel the way I do. Okay, my son was born, pregnancy was fine till about 32 weeks and then they told me that the baby had an irregular heart beat, everything turned out fine. Now my son was born and then started throwing up non stop, diagnosed with major gastroesophageal refulx (major puker for 9 months, and I mean non stop) Then he was fine, then he had to have a hernia operation at 18 months, and he was a pretty clumbsy little guy and had a few sets of stitches from falling ( oh yes our dog of 10 years bit him in the face, thankfully only requiring 2 stitches to his lip) Dog put down. Then by the age of three my sons eye suddenly started acting lazy, so now he wears glasses and had to wear an eye patch for three days a week. Thankfully his eye has improved, but surgery is not ruled out. Getting him to wear an eye patch let alone glasses was not easy.<P>Ok baby #2, baby fine, nursed well at least for the first two months and then started acting weird. Diagnosed with a mild breathing/swallowing disorder and reflux. Ok, now medication for the reflux, she wouldn`t drink from a bottle, and at 6 months was drinking from a cup, not easy to try and get max. amount of formula with a cup. Now she is fine, big and healthy. Since December, she has about 10 ear infections, so as of April 4, tubes were put into her ears. So far so good. Unfortunetly we also noticed her one eye looking lazy. Yep, she needs glasses, actually I am picking them up today. She isn`t even 16 months old and I thought that getting a three year old to wear glasses was difficult, this should be interesting. We will find out in the middle of May whether she also needs to use an eye patch. <P>I guess the answer to your question in what I expected in motherhood, not this. I know things could be alot worse, but that doesn`t make any of this less stressful. Did I want to have children, yes, I love them, but at this time it doesn`t feel very rewarding. <P>We are moving at the end of May to a larger home, and hopefully they won`t be so under foot, or at least I can see what they are up too. I know that most of their behaviour is normal for their age, but it doesn`t make getting through the consant tantrums, climbing, fighting, crabbiness, food fussiness a joyful experience. Doing most things with my son is a chore everything from brushing his teeth etc, you name it. Basically they are a handful, not the most easy going, cooperative natures, I guess the word they use is "spirited."<P>I hope that this has given you some insight on why I may feel the way I do. There aren`t any support groups around, maybe for first time moms. There was one, but it is in the afternoon and my daughter has to nap. Also they are both early risers 6am ish, but thankfully sleep through the night most days. <P>One reason I find it difficult to connect with other women is due to the fact that I tend to say how I truly feel, I love my kids, but they drive me nuts, and alot of women look at me like I am a terrible mother, so I tend to keep my comments to myself. In cyber world, I can say how I truly feel and vent without the visual glares. Another thing alot of women aren`t into is exercise, I love it, and alot of women hate it.<P>Yes my husband knows how I feel. We are planning to take some of the advice in this site and get a babysitter twice a month to spend more time together instead of doing things alone to save on the money spent on babysitters, maybe that will help. Hopefully this will give you some insight into why I feel the way I do. Thanks for listening.<P><BR>

quest - Please don't think, or let anyone else make you think, that you're a bad mother for having these feelings. You're not a bad mother, you're a TIRED mother. You've had your hands full with your two kids and their health problems, you're alone most of the day with them . . . I think a lot of women would feel the same way in your situation. I had a very healthy baby who basically just ate and slept (through the night at 4 weeks old), she grew up to be a very well behaved child with an even temperament . . . and I still wouldn't want to be home with her all day, everyday, with very little adult companionship. I compromise by working part-time. You said your old job didn't pay enough to justify a babysitter . . . but, if you would be happier working, I think it would be better for you to get out of the house and be working even if most of your salary is taken up by childcare expense. If it makes you happier, it will make you a better mother too.

Hi Quest,<P>Thank you for being so honest about what is happening. I agree with Jamie2 that you must be really tired. I was not trying to imply that you were a bad mother. I was just trying to understand what was happening.<P>I am sorry about the struggles with the kids. It must be really hard for you. looking after kids full time is demanding, even when they do not have problems with their health. So, I commend you for being there for them in that respect. I would recommend though getting some kind of part time job, even if it is just a few hours a week. That way you can get a break from the kids and get to interact with more adults. Would your husband be okay with that? Are there any jobs available in your area that you would be interested in? Keep talking...I'm here.

quest - I agree with I'mafool, a job that gets you out of the house and your mind on something besides your children would be good for you. I think your marriage would improve then too. As long as your hourly wage is greater than your babysitter's, I think you'll come out ahead in many ways. It's amazing what just a little boost of your emotions can do; it gives you the will to improve more and more things in your life. Gets you out of a rut, so to speak.

Thank you everyone, I agree that I need to get myself into something else. I am checking into personal trainer courses and I think that is the route I will go. Thanks for the encouragement. I know that I am not a bad mom, just a busy, tired one. Thanks again.

Can I offer some advice from my experience? I have two children ages 6 and 8. My mother (and best friend) died of breast cancer at the young age of 45. This happened one month before our second child (a daughter)was born. My daughter was/is very demanding, cried constantly, wouldn't let me put her down. We moved when she was about a month old. My older child was only 2, and needed me too, although was not demanding like our daughter. <P>Anyway, that first year was the absolute most stressful, painful, difficult time of my life. I felt I was going crazy. I was completely alone all day every day. I couldn't call my mother, she was dead! <P>I remember one day calling both of my grandmothers and my friend, and sobbing uncontrollably, just being overcome with grief and desperation. They tried to help, but no one really knew what to do. <P>My marrige suffered greatly from that moment on, and continues to suffer to this day. My point in telling you all this is that I too have felt depressed, lonely, bored and angry and RESENTFUL since I've had the children. It hasn't always been those Gerber Baby Moments, although there have been plenty of those as well. And yet I love them dearly, they are the biggest blessings my life has ever had. It's both things at once.<P>I have also encountered the lack of stay-at-mom's in my old neighborhood, and even more so where I live now. I KNOW that my husband and I need to go out together twice a month. I KNOW that I need a friend or two to relieve the stress and pressure of being with our children 24/7. But this has not happened yet. <P>To be a stay at home mom puts you in the minority and it's difficult to stand alone. I however believe it's the right thing to do. I don't necessarily think getting a job and being away from your children 40 hours a week is the only answer. You need BALANCE in your life. You need regular breaks to freshen your perspective. I sure did and do now. <P>I think maybe your resentment and anger is coming across to people you talk to and it can be uncomfortable for the recipient of these strong emotions to be supportive and understanding. <P>I think you need to find ways to blow off steam other than just giving voice to the darker emotions. We ALL have them of course, but the focus should be on getting relief from the unrelenting stress of your life. Saying that your tired and stressed and depressed from being a mom is one thing, saying that you HATE being a mom is another. And I don't think that's an accurate statement anyway. You're unhappy, you're probably sleep-deprived, coming off of a huge hormonal shift, and the experience hasn't measured up to your expectations. <P>It's an absolute amazing shock to the system to have your freedom curtailed to such an extent that you feel like you're in a prison of your own making. The words trapped and isolated have become part of my regular vocabulary at this point. <P>I do love my children, it is not their fault that MYlife is the way it is, I also know it is not good for them to have a resentful, depressed mother. It's my choices that put me in this place, and it's going to be up to me to find a balance. <P>The main thing I'm really suggesting is that you consider balance rather than going from one extreme to another. Your babies do need YOU. I don't think raising children can be done by just anyone as long as they're paid enough. <P>But they need a healthy, positive you, and that can be accomplished with a little effort and creativity. I wish you the best, and hope to take my own advice soon enough!

I kind of got off on a rant. Please forgive me Quest, if I came across as strident. This is obviously a hot-button topic for me. I see that you indicated you were looking into the personal trainer course. Good for you! I just wanted to express my opinion supporting balance as the key a good life for anyone, because I know what having an imbalanced life can do to a person!<BR>I hope I didn't offend anyone!

LisaAnne,<P>I do not think your comments would have offended anyone. You offered some good advice. I agree wholeheartedly that Quest needs some balance in her life. It would be good for her emotional health. I was not trying to say that she should get another full time job, but rather she should seek other kinds of adult stimulation. It is so hard being a full stay at home parent, even in the best of circumstances.

Lisanne,<BR>Thank you, I know that I need the break, it isn`t always so easy as you know yourself. My husband is working some overtime until the end of May since we are buying a new home. After that he should be around more. I guess the timing of my posting isn`t the best PMS time and I am always at my worst. Also I never ever posted or indicated that I hate my children or hate being a mom, I just think that I am not the model mom. Some women love it and I like it, but don`t love it. My daughter just got her new glasses she is 16 months old and only someone else who has tried keeping glasses on a baby can see how my days are. Yes I plan on focusing on getting my personal trainer certificate and I will in the mean time focus on my own training and gobble up as much info on everything that can help me be the best personal trainer out there. <P>I don`t know what else to say, my mom is 68 years old and lives an hours drive away and my father died when I was 15, so I don`t have alot of family close by. Just my husbands side and it isn`t the same. Imagine how they would react when total strangers are shocked by how I feel. I really think people believe that women are just naturally great moms etc. we aren`t it takes work, some have the nack for it others like myself find it a little rough sailing. Things having been easy in the past three years, but I am sure with some breaks I`ll get through it. Thanks, I hope Lisanne that you and I take your advice. <BR>

Hi Quest,<BR>You are speaking to someone who knows where you are coming from in the staying at home department. I am a hairdresser on the weekends only(Sat and Sun) to be exact and am making great $ just working the 2 days, as a matter of fact hardly any less than when I was full time, go figure, so I am not rubbing it in because I know what it is like to struggle financially also, my point is that either I am a mother mon-fri 13-14 hours a day with no help(5mos old son) or a hairdresser in full demand on sat and sun working 12 hours each day myself. My question was " who in the heck doesn't need me"? I am so burnt out it isn't funny and it is affecting how I handle new motherhood. I have pms and post pardom depression at the same time and I am taking ST. Johns Wort once a day, helps alot with crankiness. Feels like we are single mothers sometimes doesn't it. I have no parents, in-laws live 7 states away, and no family what so ever. Friends are difficult to come by.They all work and the ones that stay at home seem to be quite content which pisses me off, makes me feel even more like a freak, my point quest is I know how you feel minus the difficult health problems and such, which that will only make matters harder to deal with. I have so much to do it seems like and don't want to do any of it, which makes me even crankier. This is how I put it to my husband--I have to eat right, excercise, be a good mother, clean the house, grocery shop, work on weekends to contrubute the home, not spend too much money, not go crazy, not be resentful, be patient, kind and greatful for all I have and not go crazy, go to sleep and start all over again tomorrow. I just told my clients I am no longer working sundays and I am going to get a bb sitter and work friday afternoon and saturdays so I can be with hubby and bb and have some time to my self. We need 1 day a week to call our own, we need something to look forward to, we really do. It would help your sanity. We will always need the $ and I will be working less hours plus paying out 30$ just to make that well deserved switch. Can I make a suggestion about how to deal with your children which has helped me deal with other peoples children and helped me with my own, it may sound crazy and it is--- when they get on your nerves Quest---just act like them---it feels good and you teach yourself how to relate to them better and they will look at you in a way that words just don't explain---i am talking about to a certain degree here---you have common sense--you know what I am saying Quest. I was a glasses wearer at a very young age, eye patch and all, very lazy left eye, I wear contact lenses blieve it or not, and my glasses are so,so thick and magnifying, I wore a strap on the back of the glasses to hold them on, other wise they wouldn't stay, just a suggestion, try the St. John's wort, it helps with alot and it is natural, take 1 a day. Hope I helped,apologies for longwindedness, babym

Babym,<BR>Thank you, how you feel is exactly how I feel. I love my children, but I really believe that one child would of been enough for me. The two of them together is part of the problem, the fighting etc. I have tried St. Johns Wort before and I will give it a go again, this week for me is a major PMS week, men have all the luck. Feel free to vent and share your frustrations, I for one will not judge, I know exactly what you are going through. Thanks for being so understanding.

Hi Quest--I think you are a nice person--just by the way you replied to my post. I really feel for you in the pms department, I am going throough it so bsad right now it isn't even funny. They had something on the news last night about PMS-- that it is actually considered a medical condition---Well NO S**T SHERLOCK!!!! We could've told you that! I am also battling this pregnancy weightloss--ugh--I gained way too much weight and it will probably take another 5 months to get down to where I should be. You would think my docs would've said somthing to me, but, no--like any other typical man they just criticise after the fact, oh well. My point is I have to also workout and I do enjoy it, but if I don't go running I will not lose weight, no metabolism since bb. So pms and excercise don't mesh, not before the actual workout, always feel better afterwords though. I got so depressed after I had my son that I am not proud to say it but I started to drink alot and smoke cigarettes. I am proud to say I have quit both, thankgod with no problem, not a pleasant thing to admit, but thats the facts, it did not affect the baby in the least way, believe it or not, I don't know what my problem was, but very glad I am passed that. Now the evil rotten pms is just very annoying. It really hurts, bad. Having a child wreeks havoc in every way shape and form. How can somthing so wonderful nearly ruin your life? I have one, mind you one good girl friend, who of course doesn't live near me and of course she gained the perfect amount of weight and has perfect everything and has no vices and when she was pregnant she was addicted to lemons and tomatoes and lettuce, I say "WHAT-EVER" thats not realistic, but I always have the family poroblems and she doesn't and marital probs and she didn't seem to and she has 15 mos old boy. Well, come to find out she is on prozac and her and her hubby were talking about divorce and she is not having anymore bb's at this point in time. So when other people make you feel inadiquit because you voice your oppinion--just remember--they have dust and dirt under their carpet and they will only show it to you when they feel like it. some of us where our feelings on our sleeves (me) and some hide it, hey whatever works I say. Sorry for the longwindedness, Have a better day today, your friend--bbm

Babym, this is my third attempt at posting, AHHHH, plus I am suffering from major pms this week and my daughter just woke up, so I`ll post again later.

Hi quest<BR>I had a problem with posting because I couldnt figure out how to get back into the discussion forum. If this is the problem you are also having, there is a line at the bottom of the page, you don't always see the words enter the discussion forum, so I could never remember how to get back in, for some reason you only see a black line until your cursor(arrow) goes across the line. Is that their way of keeping this forum to a limit? good luck and have a peacful evening, your bud, babym<BR>

Babym,<BR>thanks for the kind words. I like you tend to wear my feelings on my sleeve. Don`t be so hard on yourself in the weight department, it takes 9 months to put on the weight and 9 to get it off. Try adding weight lifting to your workout, it makes a huge difference. I used to be into competetive bodybuilding so if I can be of any help, ask away. <P>Isn` it amazing what goes on behind closed doors. I think it takes alot of courage to admit how we are really feeling and it helps others cope better. Instead of feeling guilty, you feel understood. Damn this letter better post, when ever I seem to hit submit reply, it says that there isn`t any member named quest. Hello. <P>I also have one close girlfriend, she lives close by, but her and a her husband are having marital problems and she needs to devote more time to working on their relationship rather than help me all of the time. <P>Well I hope that things are better today, my daughter is pretty grumpy, actually both of my kids have yet another bad cold. Such fun. Talk with you later. Hey if you want to email privately, let me know.<P>quest.

Hi Quest--It posted, maybe you need to sign back up again, or maybe you don't because it did post. Here's my e-mail address (mylesnkathy@earthlink.net) The one thing I don't like about this forum is that it is not a chatroom, when you need advice, you NEED advice and you can't get it until someone reads your story and then replies. So yeah, it would be great to make a pal off this forum. I am on pretty much everyday, so if you post your address I will get it this weekend. Have a Very Happy non-stressful Easter and I hope your kids get better soon, very exhausting for you I'm sure. Does your husband help you out? I hope he does! O.k. my dear, gota go to work, have a great one and I will chat with you soon and Hang in there!