My H and I had a big fight last night, I told my H last night that I was a upset with him b/c he was supposed to be responsible for my daughter yesterday and he promised he would be home when she got home. He knew my boss was in town who does not like personal calls, my daughter ended up phoning me b/c he wasn't home, she didn't know what to do. When I told him this he had had a few drinks before with a friend of his that was there earlier, and he ended up yelling at me when I told him. He went into a rage. I did not think it would of turned out this way, I thought he would of realized he made a mistake and would of at least apologized. I told him as he was yelling to stop yelling at me, that made him angrier, he just kept yelling would you "shut up", just shut the fu** up, all of this right in front of our kids. I then told him to leave that this is not good for them to see, I told him "Just go, I do not want to talk to you like this," he then flew into a bigger rage. I took my youngest in the bathroom and locked the door. He did go downstairs. I later went down and told him I would like to talk to him rationally. I told him that I don't want to fight like this and that he has to do something to deal with his temper. All he could say is that if I would shut my fu*** mourth he wouldn't yell. I told him, I don't know how to deal with his yelling, I have tried not saying anything - that makes him angrier, I have tried to speak back - that makes him angry, I have tried to walk away he yells "don't walk away from me". He always has a way to turn it all back on me. I then said I am sorry for interupting you, which he said is why he got so mad, I told him I would like to find a way to resolve our problems better. I said maybe we can both accept our responsibility in the fights and try to work on the things that anger eachother. I said I think we should both think of things that we can say about ourselves instead of attacking eachother. I told him that I will try to work on not interuptting him and told him I realize that it makes him really angry and I will try to change. I had hoped that he would accept some responsibility on his side and say something positive but instead he just ranted and raved about how horrible I was, he was very rude and disrespectful when he talked as well. This just made me cry, I tried very hard not to b/c I knew he would end up getting angrier at me b/c of it.<BR>This morning I came to him and told him that I loved him and that I would really like to set some time for us tonight to talk about how we can make things better so we don't' end up in a big fight,. He couldn't even look at me, he was still so angry. He told me that "you should learn to just shut up, and that he was sick and tired of "talking" and my rambling on and wondered why I just can't be happy." It hurts me when he talks with such disrespect to me and I started to cry again, he then got mad at that and said look at you. I don't know if I can take this crap anymore, I am so tired of his temper and he just can't see it. When I try to make an effort to make things better and talk to him about coming up with ways to resolve things and communicate better he just tells me he is so sick and tired of listening to me. <BR>I really feel like just going back into withdrawl, and I see it so much clearer now why I went there, its b/c I couldn't take the verbal abuse. It wasn't until I was in withdrawl that he even realized that he really wanted me and missed me. I don't know what to do now. He is not interested in talking and I don't know where to go from here. He has so much anger in him.I am afraid to even say anything b/c I don't want to be yelled at. Not to long ago he was so loving for a brief time, he was so affectionate and he was like the guy I met in the beginning, sweet and loving. He thought he was loosing me and he took a big effort to show me his affection. It didn't last, he went back into his angry moods and I haven't seen it since. He just doesn't want to deal with anything, he said it himself but he is not willing to even talk about anything even in a positive way. He thinks that you shouldn't have to try to make things good and that it should just happen. <BR>I am not quite sure what to do now, should I even attempt to try and talk to him or should I just step back and let him take the initiative. I dont' know what to do, I have thought of phoning and leaving a message on the machine to just tell him I love him and that I would like to spend some time with him tonight. Maybe I am trying to hard, should I even say anything? I want so much for him to just give me a real true hug, I went to hug him this morning and he wasn't even there, all I felt was anger in him which really made me cry. Any advice out there?<BR>

Dear fed up, Don't give up. Help is on the way. My first advice to you is to get down on your knees and pray, pray, pray without ceasing. Pray longer than usual. Spend time with our mighty Lord on this situation. As you begin praying, don't just pray for your H. Pray for God to change you. May not sound fair but you must. Pray that the Lord shows you a better way of dealing with this. Pray for God to build up your strenght in order that this not effect you as much. Also pray for patience and don't expect to see changes overnight or even when you want to. Trust that God will change your H with the way you react. Second, don't react the way your H expects you to. Even if you feel like crying, and feel hurt by his abuse, don't show it. Smile and tell him that God loves him and so do you. Walk away even if he continues to yell. You must show him that you no longer allow your heart to get in his path for attack. If you smile and continue to speak positive, let him know that his words or yelling can't hurt you anymore, his heart will begin to change. Third, don't expect this to be an easy task. But the more consistent you are with your prayers and positive reactions, there more YOU will feel good about yourself. I honestly feel like your H is being held by in bondage by something that he isn't even aware of. Pray that God will change his heart and release him from the bondage he's in. Believe in your prayers. Don't give up by no means. Your H sounds unhappy with himself and takes it out on you. Don't take it personal. The more you do, the more he will attack everything about you. Continue to love him and abide by the Word of God to be a virtuous woman. Be the wife you're suppose to be. Strive to be better. Don't let your h's actions to change who you are. Stand fast in your faith and believe you will win the victory over your H's heart. I will also pray with you. God will answer prayer. When he curses, say "God bless you". But try not to force him to talk or want to work on being better. Silence in this area will have a beter effect. But don't give up by no means. Just try different approaches and again, let God change you before he changes your H.<BR>In the bond of Christ

Fed up - I'm worried about your physical safety. The way your husband is acting is nearly a mirror image of my first husband, who became physically abusive after several years of verbally abusing me. I don't know what it would have taken to turn him around, but I suspect your husband needs personal counseling to learn how to deal with his anger before you can use the info in this site to improve your marriage.

I agree with Jamie2. He is verbally abusing you how long till it gets physical. Please be careful. You are not obligated to put up with his behavior. Please for you and your children's sake get out if things get worse.

Thank you for replying, it does help to hear from others. He has never physically hurt me, we have been together for 10 years +. I don't think he would physically hurt me, he used to bang the walls or break things. I do agree that he could use counselling, but how do you get somebody to even see that they have a problem with anger, he doesn't see that. I have thought about taping him to let him realize that he really is yelling. I don't know....I have told him that I am not the only one that has said he has a problem with his temper, and reminded him of when his sister was over and he started yelling and she told him he was. I told him that I don't want to be involved in his angry rages and he said "well thats how I deal with problems, and you just have to get used to it", I then told him, no you are going to have to change the way you deal with things. I have talked him into staying home tonight and talking to me rationally, a positive talk that hopefully won't turn into a fight. You are right, I do need to leave if it does get worse, I dont' want to subject my kids to that and that is something I am going to tell him tonight, I hope that it gets through to him. Maybe thats what he needs to realize that he can't do this to me anymore.Thanks for the feedback.<p>[This message has been edited by fed up (edited April 20, 2000).]

I don't know if you watch Oprah. Anyway there is a Dr Phil that appears on her show weekly and gives relationship advice. Something he said is "We teach people how to treat us." In other words, we teach people what they can get away with in their treatment of us by either actively rewarding their destructive behavior or by passively allowing them to persist in their behavior. Please don't take this the wrong way that am blaming you for your H anger problem cuz I am not. But if his anger is an ongoing problem and you have put up with it, then he know he can get away with it and will continue to do so. I think you idea and talking calmly without casting blame is good idea. But if he refuses to get help you must take a stand for yourself and your children. You deserve better than how he is treating you.

Dear Fed Up, your situation brings back many memories. The part where you said you locked yourself in the bathroom really struck home. I have done the same thing with my children just to get away from him and let him vent. I on the other hand dont argee with the fact that he will eventually get physical b/c my H never did. I wish I knew what changed things but I honestly dont know. My H hasnt done something like you described in the last year or so thank god! Maybe it had something to do with the fact that I graduated from college and got back my self esteem, he had trampled it for many years in the beginning of our marriage. Your letter brought a tear to my eye because I know that place youre at. My H really wanted more affection than he was getting from me and when hes acting like an idiot its hard to do, but it sometimes worked to just walk up and give him a hug and tell him I love him. Did your H have a tramautic childhood? Does he have any close contact with his family? Over the years I have come to realize that my H holds on so tightly to me b/c me and the kids are all his has and hes afraid to lose us. I dont know If I've been any help, but I sure hope It may have made you feel better to know someone else has been there and came through it. There is hope!

Dear fed up,<P>I could have written your post... your H says the same things mine has said... like "why can't you just be happy", and thinking you shouldn't have to try to make things good, that it should just happen, and "why can't you just shut up", and the rages.<P>I blamed it all on the drinking, but now I know that I had some responsibility in there too, I kept letting the same things happen over and over again... then when I got fed up and started standing up for myself, I went to the other extreme... lots of anger and bitterness, but I stayed in the ring, kept trying to fight it out, fighting to make things work... this was not a healthy approach for either of us, but it's all I knew to do..., things deteriorated even further... anger begets anger.<P>It's important to take care of yourself and your kids, find a way to shift your focus from him and his behavior. Keep walking away from the anger and arguments rather than engaging in them. You do need to find a way to "be happy" for yourself... unfortunately, your husband might not like that either.<P>I love my Husband, but we're getting divorced, I think he still loves me too, but things finally boiled down to a stand off, something I can no longer live with that he doesn't want to live without. It's not a simple as that, but that's the bottom line. <P>You might start with getting help for yourself, learn how to establish your own boundaries. Seeing a positive change in you may bring about change in him. But watch out for the anger and resentment that you may feel inside... those were my downfall, I learned too late how to manage, understand, and accept those, after too much damage had been done.<P>Take Care

Thank you so much for replying it does help alot. Lynn, I do believe that his childhood and his past has something to do with the way he is. His birth father left him when he was a baby, he was told about it once and it was never talked about again, its like some big dark secret, his mother wasn't around alot when he was growing up either, she left him alot with his grandmother. He had a big blow out at xmas with his mother, she wrote this big nasty note laying guilt trips on him, and totally put me down, and he hasn't talked to her since. It really shed some light on why my H is the way he is when I heard all this from his mother, its like he thinks I am out to lay the guilt trips on him like his mother and that I will be leaving him for somebody better. I know that this problem with his mother is really bothering him, but he won't phone her and he won't talk about it or resolve it, he just wants to drop it like he always wants to drop any problem we have. <P>YY it is very hard to walk away from his outbursts as I want to stand up for myself but I am trying to just walk away and show him that I won't get involved in a fight, especially when he has had some drinks, that is when it gets worse. I have been trying to focus more of my attention to my children, they need that and they don't need to be around that type of atmosphere. <P>It does make me feel alot better hearing from you guys, thanks so much for replying.

Dear Fed Up, I cant believe how much we have in common! My H never knew his real father becuz he is a "[censored] child" as he calls himself, he just found out maybe 5 years ago from an uncle. He also had a big blow out with his family about 6 years ago and we have not seen them since. They live 20 miles from us and haven't seen our kids in 6 years. Soon after it happened he broke down and let it all out which seemed to make him feel better. I've heard horrid stories from aunts and uncles about how he was treated as a child and realize just being a functional human being is a major accomplishment for someone that went through so much. I'm not sure how bad your H's situation is with his family but we are better off w/out my H's family. Having a wonderful childhood myself its hard for me to imagine what it would feel like to think your own mother could care less about you, but I know It really hurts him alot. We do not talk about it. I was really angry at his parents for a long time, but I stayed out of it. As women we want to talk about things and fix them, men like to pretend it didnt happen. Dont push him, let it be. As for what YY said about walking away from a fight, I never did! I would never fight infront of my kids, but if hes mad enough, he will follow me outside or whereever. I think walking away would be the wrong thing to do because it shows him he can control you and you wont stand up for yourself. Atleast thats how my H is. My H also used to break things in the begining of our marriage becuz he didnt want to hurt me. There were times I'd get so mad I would tell him to please hit me so I would have a reason to leave, he never did. When he got mad about things I wanted to do (as harmless as going out with a girlfriend)I used to back down and do what he wanted me to. Not anymore! I always tell him before I do it ofcourse. I have been really surprised by the way hes handling it. The first time was a big blow out, but each time is getting easier. In fact in one of his "weak" moments he told me I have to do what he doesnt want me to do and he has to learn to accept it and deal with it like a grown up! Your H needs you more than he wants to admit and if he lost you it would probably break him which really scares him to depend on someone so much when so many people have let him down in his life. Its not fair to have to deal with someone with so much emotional baggage but if you love him it will be worth it in the long run. I'm just rambling on here arent I? It feels so good to know I'm not alone anymore! Many people will probably disagree with me, but I think maybe you should withdraw again. It gave him a wake up call and he made an effort to change. It will take alot of time, but he will finally realize that if he doesnt change he may lose you and thats the last thing he wants. My H and I still have a long way to go, but he is really trying and thats enough to make me happy b/c I can see light at the end of the tunnel. I want you to be able to see that light too. Please dont give up on him, he needs you. We can help each other through it! Good luck to you this weekend, I'll be anxious to see what you have to say about how things went.

Thanks so much for responding, it is nice to hear from somebody thats been there. <BR>Well my H did have a little blow up again this weekend, it was his grandmas bday a while ago and I aksed him if he was going to phone her and he didn't want to b/c she will probably ask him about him not talking to his mother etc…, I shouldn't of said anything b/c later on that night he had a blow up, I do think it was b/c he started to think about his conflict with his mother again and was just plain angry, he started yelling at me and told me I lost a golf club (which I never even used or seen before) and bent his putter, told me I was so careless and I don't even give a sh**….blah blah..blah, I was on my way out, I said one thing in my defense and then he got angrier so I just didn't say a word and left with him yelling as I was leaving, b/c I was going out with my girlfriends. The next day it was like nothing had happened and he phoned me from work and asked if I wanted to go to brunch with him and the kids,everything was okay, we went out and after brunch he went to the golf store and he took his putter in (I went in with him) and the guy said"there is nothing wrong with it" - man that felt good, he did say he was sorry. I then on Sunday made him phone his mother b/c I couldn't stand it bothering him anymore, so he did and she acted like nothing had happened. It just made everything a lot clearer, that is the way he deals with our problems, he just pretends like nothing happened, and nothing ever gets resolved. That is exactly what she did with him. <P>Like you I too had a good childhood and I just & can 't understand why he is the way he is sometimes. I go through stages, I do want to work through it but then when I get treated like that I wonder why I am trying. Hopefully things will get better since he has phoned his mother. (wishful thinking) . <BR>We don't talk about his unknown father, he told me once and it never was talked about again. My H too broke things and punched the wall and stuff too in the beginning, he doesn't really do that anymore, he does have his rare moments, he will bang the wall with his fist, but won't break things. Now I wish I would of shown him then that I wouldn't stand for that back then and nipped it in the bud then. <BR>How long have you been married to your H? We have been together for 10 years, married this year for 9. <BR>I do agree with you about withdrawing, if things get worse I think that is the only thing that will make him realize that he can't treat me that way anymore. <P>It really helps to hear from you and see that you see a light at the end of the tunnel, it is encouraging. <P>Thanks again.<P>

Dear Fed Up, Horray for you! You stood your ground and he respects you for it. Going out with your girlfriends probably did wonders for you, did you have a good time? Our H's could be brothers they sound so much alike! My H too has been known to accuse me of breaking things and losing things just to apologize later. You think they will never learn, but they will. It just takes forever!! Or maybe its just that my hubby is getting closer to 40, I hear thats the magic age when they start growing up! My H and I have been together for about 13 years and married 11. There were alot of ups and downs, but the last year or two have been more ups than downs. One important thing I've learned is to not mention his family, it only depresses him. You got your H to call his mom, now you're better off not to mention the call. He will bring it up when he wants to talk about it. Have a good week!!

Growing up? You mean men actually grow up? HA HA, You are so right about not mentioning the call, I did last night, he didn't get mad or anything, it just bothered him b/c I know that nothing was resolved, so I guess I will just drop it and thank god we don't live close to her. I doubt he will ever bring it up to talk about it, he doesn't really talk to me about things like that. Did feel good to go out with my friends, it definately was the best thing to do when he was so grouchy. <BR>He is definately in a better mood now, we are actually going to have a date night, hopefully it will be good. <BR>Well talk to you later, Thanks again! Have a good one!<BR> <p>[This message has been edited by fed up (edited May 02, 2000).]