I am 24-years-old. I have been married for 4 years. My husband and I have a seemingly perfect relationship. We love each other very much. Only, there is a problem that is so BIG and so humiliating; I can't believe I'm even writing about it. When my husband and I dated in college, I was a size 3/4. I weighed 125lbs. and was known for my good looks. He was so attracted to me and so proud of me. I had a baby a year after we were married. I got up to 163lbs during pregnancy and haven't lost the weight since.<P>A couple of years ago, my husband and I were having an argument, out of which came that "when we have sex, there are these gross noises that your stomach makes". My husband was telling me that my uncontrolled abdominal muscles were causing obscene noises that repulsed him. This started the ball rolling. After that, he would make comments about how I needed to be more active, how he preferred me the way I looked in college, and how he would have sex with me more if I looked the way I used to. Each comment, I fell deeper and deeper into depression.<P>To make this story even worse, we have had numerous conversations about how he "just enjoys looking at the female body" or how he "is a man who looks, but doesn't touch". Last summer, he was working as an intern and found himself"extremely attracted to a woman there". I have never been so devistated in my life. But what is so strange, I have not been able to lose the excess pounds. In high school before cheerleading try-outs, I could lose five pounds, no problem. But, now when losing weight means so much more, and I feel so determined, no diet has worked at all. <P>I am so afraid of being this overweight, so early in my twenties and young marriage. My husband is not wrong for having "preferences". I liked me better back then, too. But, I fear down the road when some change happens to me that is not as correctable as weight. Can I count on him to support me, or will he spout out all of his stinging comments, and make me feel as low as I do now?<P>Please, I need advice in the worst way.

Dear Musical, We mothers know how you feel! Having babies changes your body. Some women are lucky enough to able to lose the weight right away, but not everyone can be so lucky. It would be great if you could get your husband to take the emotional needs quiz! He needs to understand how he is making you feel and that it is not helping you at all. First you need to learn how to like yourself again then everything else will fall in place. I've been there, depression only makes things worse! You've got to accept yourself for who you are first. God made us different shapes and sizes, not everyone is suppose to be skinny! Good luck to you! :0)

Have you tried gensing or mahong herb or caffiene pills? These are legal stimulants that may make it easier for you to loose weight.<BR>Illegal drugs such speed and cocaine also work but I hope your not that desperate yet. <BR>You could also take up cigarettes. They're legal and you could lost 10-15 pounds by smoking.<P>More healthy ways of losing weight are walking, swimming, training for a marathon, etc.<P>Have you tried joining Weight Watchers or Jenny Craig? Or e-Diets.com?<P>Don't accept your body as being because of pregnacy. Lots of women have children and not all of them keep the weight.<P>

I don't have a lot of advice for you...<P>Do be careful if you try non-traditional herbs, etc...Mahong (or ma huang) is herbal, but has been implicated in heart irregularities and at least a couple of deaths...<P>I would suggest you start with your doctor as for losing weight. Weight Watchers is good also.<P>As for your feelings about your H's need for you to be in better shape...there have been some spirited discussions...you might be interested in this thread...<BR> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum8/HTML/000566.html" TARGET=_blank>www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum8/HTML/000566.html</A> <P>

I truly feel for you. I was exactly the same<BR>after having a baby and I too received huge put downs from my husband. If you are trying to lose weight for him it simply won't work<BR>You have to lose weight for you! I became a <BR>weight loss instructor, because I lost the weight for me and have maintained it for eight years. Here are some things for you to try<BR>1. Eat no more than 30g fat per day (buy a <BR> pocket sized fat and calorie counter book<BR> from a bookstore)<BR>2. Find an exercise you like and do 20 mins<BR> (minimum) 3-4 times a week. I like <BR> rebounding on a mini trampoline to music<BR> on a walkman carried in a bum bag worn<BR> around my waist. The music is motivating.<BR> Try where possible to exercise first thing<BR> in the morning as your body burns more<BR> fat at that time.<BR>3. Use a wall calendar to mark or tick your<BR> success each day<BR>I truly wish you all the best. It is so unfair that you are going through this and I know how you feel. I will ask Steve to make<BR>my email address available to you should you<BR>need further help. God Bless.<P>------------------<BR>SDV

I truly feel for you. I was exactly the same<BR>after having a baby and I too received huge put downs from my husband. If you are trying to lose weight for him it simply won't work<BR>You have to lose weight for you! I became a <BR>weight loss instructor, because I lost the weight for me and have maintained it for eight years. Here are some things for you to try<BR>1. Eat no more than 30g fat per day (buy a <BR> pocket sized fat and calorie counter book<BR> from a bookstore)<BR>2. Find an exercise you like and do 20 mins<BR> (minimum) 3-4 times a week. I like <BR> rebounding on a mini trampoline to music<BR> on a walkman carried in a bum bag worn<BR> around my waist. The music is motivating.<BR> Try where possible to exercise first thing<BR> in the morning as your body burns more<BR> fat at that time.<BR>3. Use a wall calendar to mark or tick your<BR> success each day<BR>I truly wish you all the best. It is so unfair that you are going through this and I know how you feel. I will ask Steve to make<BR>my email address available to you should you<BR>need further help. God Bless.<P>------------------<BR>SDV

After I had a baby I still weighed 185lb.<BR>We went though a time of financial hardship. So to save money, I cut back the grocery budget by 1/3. I fed my husband and daughter first. If there was any food left, then I ate.<BR>I went hungry a lot. But in 8 months I lost 55lb.<BR>This is drastic. But it worked for me. When I got a job and we could afford more food, I did gain 5 pounds, but that's all. Best of luck.

A male perspective:<P>My wife has, and may, run ultra-marathons. She was awesome! To compensate for the time away for running and training, I threw darts at a local (one of the first) brewpubs. I always bragged about her successes, to the folks in the pub. I, until our seperation, was at maybe a thirty-six to thirty-eight waist...go figure (no pun intended), <P>She was a manager of a women's fitness business, and maybe because of that, I could not tell her how unhappy I was with myself. She knows that now, as I have mentioned it in a recent letter.<P>I looked at everything I did, after she left, that allowed for that to happen. Since then, just because I attributed it to the situation, I turned away from my old diet habits. Stay away from the scale. She, and I agree, preached the tenets of the tape measure. I am at 32 and hopefully that is it.<P>In my relatively old age of 4#, I have realized that there is more to love than in being able to keep your figure. Yes, the runner has a great figure... . <P>However, for now, let your personality, and love, SHINE!!<P>RRunRR<BR>

I feel for you as well and completely understand your situation and your frustration with taking the weight off. I agree with the other posts that having a baby does change your body. Also aging changes your body. Once you reach your mid-20's your metabalism takes a dive. Also as you get older many people find that they are not as active as they were when they were younger because their lives have become so much busier. This I'm sure is the case for you with a new husband and a new baby. BUT here's the thing...those are the facts but they are no excuse. I do not believe that diet or diet pills work. They are short term fixes that often-times do more harm than good because you end up gaining the weight back and the next time you try to lose it it's even more difficult than the last time. What you need is a new way of thinking. You need to think of building healthy habits that will last a lifetime. You also need to know that it took time to put on the weight and it will take time to take it off - so be patient. Start eating healthier. When you go to a restaraunt with your husband ask for a to-go box up-front and when the meal comes cut the portion in half, place it in the box and take it home with you for lunch tomorrow. Portions in restaraunts are much larger than we need and we end up eating the whole meal because its in our face even tho we fill up before we're finished. Next..and this is VERY important! You will NOT lose weight if you do not exercise. The only way that works is if you starve yourself (very unhealthy) and that will only slow down your metabalism even more for the rest of your life. Find an activity that you enjoy (i.e. walking) and do it every day for 30-60 minutes. You may say you don't have enough time for that. Well change your priorities. Exercise is not only good for the body it's also good for the mind and your self-confidence. Pick and hour each day to exercise and plan it into your schedule and do not let anything interfere with your "exercise time". Not your baby, not your husband, not the housecleaning, not guests that you may have, not the phone, not tv, nothing. That is YOUR time. And I gurantee you will see a noticeable difference in one month. A word of caution. When you begin exercising it will be difficult because your body will not be used to it. It takes about a month before it actually starts feeling good. But believe me you will get to the point when it feels good...so stay committed and motivated especially during that first month. Also drink lots of water. It not only replenishes the water you lose by exercising it also flushes the toxins out of your body, helps the appearance of your skin and hair and helps boost energy. Good luck and stay on track.<BR>sincerely,<BR>Tal<P>------------------<BR>Tal

Tal:<P>That is really great advice. I want another baby, and I need to lose weight first.. but I am not about to take up smoking to do that. <P>About not letting anything take up the excersise time: that is my biggest hang-up. It's always "after I get the dishes doen" or "there's noone to watch the kids."<P>You are right. And, even though the advice was not specifically for me, thank you.

I suggest a medical work up before trying any pills. A friend of mine has hormone imbalances that has totally prevented her from controlling her weight. She is a big polynesian woman anyway, but since her bout with ovarian cysts and repeated miscarriages she has had serious trouble with the weight.<P>Her doctor has her on drugs for her skin condition, mineral supplements and hormone therapy. She looks really good, seems to be losing weight and is losing a lot of retained water too. <P>Please just get a check up and make sure everything is okay. Happy exercising! (Eat just half, like they said! I lost 35 lbs two years ago just doing portion control and fast walking.)

Dear Musicalnotes:<P>I do know how you feel, because right now i am feeling the same way. I have a baby and still 20 pound overweight, i am trying to lose my overpounds by going to gym or controlling what i eat (which is not so easy because i am an emotional eater).<P>I am agree with Karenna, you have to go to visit your doctor first and decide the treatment. Besides that you HAVE to do some exercise, well i don't know if you are doing that right now but you should.<P>Lose your weight not for your H but for your self-esteem which seems to be down. Try the site <A HREF="http://www.cyberdiet.com" TARGET=_blank>www.cyberdiet.com</A> and some books like Antidiet (www.antidiet.com), i think that both of them aim to change your eating habits instead of put you in a strict diet.<P>Keep us posted.

I truly thank each one of your responses. I have read closely to each of them.<P>Last Friday, I went to a new doctor, who I want to make my permanent Family Doctor. He also specializes in Bariatrics, or Weight Management. He gave me a thorough physical (not gynecological) but E.K.G., blood work,etc. It felt really nice to talk to a professional who also specializes in preventive medicine, not just treating of problems. I explained my weight problem, asked questions, and began a weight loss problem.<P>Against many of your comments, I have begun to take Adipex, as well as Zoloft, for mild depression. In conjuction, my doctor also recommended that I cut carbos down to a bare minimun and exercise 30min/3 times a week. He suggest 20min/5 times a week. I am to see him on June 9 to check progress. I am also taking Ambien at night to help me sleep. I have followed the plan fairly consistently, but I really think I could do without the drugs and eat more carbos. I am worried that the drugs will work for me. I feel gittery at times; and faint at others. I've researched that Adipex may have this effect at first, but tends to go away.<P>My husband doesn't agree with the drugs,and I feel like he thinks this is my desperate way to achieve something that "hard-working, athletic people" get naturally. I talked to him yesterday,and he told me that "I have accepted you". This should have been good news, but it sounded so "mediocre". My husband is loving and tries very hard to be happy. I know he has preferences for me. I am working hard to meet those. I know I shouldn't do it only for him, but realistically, doesn't everyone want an attractive, sexy mate? I am exercising,and "pill or no pill", this is going to take a while. How do I live with H until I feel good about myself again? Do I expect him not to have preferences?

I think starting with your doc is great...and Adipex is a drug that has been around a long time and has a good track record.<P>As for your H, sure he has preferences...I'd prefer my H still have the great head of hair he had when we married . But, I accept him and love him, and the hair really doesn't matter. Your H telling you he accepts you is good...it may have sounded mediocre, but if he is being loving and supportive, you guys are on the right track...<P>Hang in there--<P>Kathi

musicalnotes,<BR> According to Dr. Harley's book, "HIS NEEDS HER NEEDS" one of his needs is an attractive spouse. I know that he should love you unconditionally but men are hard to understand sometimes. I didn't even notice over the past couple of years that my husband gained over 30 pounds. He is on a weight loss program through Herbalife and he's almost lost all of that and he's looking great!!!! Somebody just gave us a picture of him about a year ago and he was really big!! I'm grossed out by looking at the picture honestly!! But he looks great now and he's healthy. Are body is supposed to be the temple of the Holy Spirit and God wants us to keep it clean, healthy. How are we to love our neighbor as ourslef if we don't even like who we are and we are not motivated to do something about it. If you want more info. on these products, just e-mail me at aug16@loa.com.