H & I have been speaking on phone alot lately. I am leaning towards reconciliation, and he is full steam ahead about the D. So much detail here, but I'll try to be brief.

About a month ago, I put a deposit on a house to rent. I was certain, in my head, that I wanted a D. I think alot of this thinking was by influence of OM, friends, and the nasty fights between H & I. H & I agreed verbally about a separation agreement, who got what, etc. He drafted up a Buy-Out agreement because he wanted to buy me out of our dream home, and move his friends in as renters. He only offered me $6000 as a buyout price, and in my haste and fog, I agreed to it (verbally), not contacting anyone legal...because H convinced me that his numbers were correct and that getting lawyers involved would cost us more $$.

We were supposed to sign and notarize the documents this morning, but H was late and couldn't do it then. Now I will not be available to do this until after I move (Sat). Somehow, I feel this maybe wasn't meant to be. I went to my Dr. this morning to finally get on meds. He told me this is a bad time to be making any big decisions financially, relationship-wise, etc. So until I move, get settled, and get the meds in my system, I don't think this is something I should be agreeing to.

I expressed this to H this morning, and now he's livid. He thinks I'm dragging it out. He thinks I'm playing games. He was to move back into our home after I left (on Sun). Now he is saying that if I don't sign, that he'll stay at his friend's and we'll BOTH have to pay for the mtg. I didn't want things to get this ugly, because I am trying to reconcile. He's been very nasty and abrasive thusfar to the idea, saying that he cannot trust me, and insinuating that I'd have to live in hell because of this. Also, he says he wouldn't consider reconciliation unless a document was legally drawn up saying if one party or the other is unfaithful, then they lose everything.

In the meantime, he's going on with getting D papers, getting renters, etc. I realize he cannot put his life on hold because I am saying I want to reconcile. But I don't know what to do right now...I cannot jump right back into this whole thing with him...there is so much animosity there. I know I must be alone in my new place and work on ME. This takes time, and he will be moving renters in in Jan.

He wants to buy me out and get my name off mtg, in Jan. Then maybe we can talk about reconciliation. I feel like, why bother after getting my name off? Our beautiful home is going to be turned into a bachelor pad, and I feel rushed to get myself together if we're going to reconcile.

He says, "You know what to do in order to make me feel comfortable." I feel this reconcilition, should I decide to implement it, is going to be so one-sided. I wonder if it's even worth it at this point.

I know it's confusing, but any advice?

If you really think it can work, try going to a marriage counselor. He would be able to guide you on whether it would be safe to make verbal agreements with H on reconciliation, but you'll still need an atty to protect your legal rights.
Good Luck.
If your H is unwilling to see an MC, then he's probably not willing to work on the M.

IAF-
It's been a while since I've read your posts. Are you in counseling together? Are you still seeing OM? It does sound like this is probably not the best time to sort important items out.

The fairest way to split a house is to have it appraised and split the difference in equity, etc. You cannot just get someone's name off of a mortgage, you HAVE to refinance.

Does your husband have an attorney? Do you? IF you are wanting to reconcile, why does your H want to continue moving ahead with divorce?

If you can tell more that would be helpful. Good luck.

Llama

Thank you, newly & llama.

We have been to a MC, but I don't think she was the greatest. I was still seeing OM at the time, so my head wasn't in it. We also talked to Jennifer for a few sessions. I did not and still do not agree with all the Harley principles. Dealing with a controlling husband to begin with, he was abusing alot of the principles, like extraordinary precautions, and POJA.

No, I am not seeing OM. Nor do I want the drama anymore.

See, he does not want to sell. He'd rather sell his bike, borrow $ from parents, etc to keep this house. Initially, he said he was doing it incase I "come to my senses". Now he says he just wants the house. His friend is a real estate agent, and helped him with the numbers, etc. We only moved in Jan 02, so we have no equity. He will have to wait until Jan 03 for the mtg to mature so he can assume it or refi. He says if we sold it, we would only walk away with 4000 each. Here's the clincher: His real estate agent is willing to take 1.5% if he sells it By Owner. If I say "let's sell it", he will not use his friend as an agent and will purposely lose money (by paying an regular agent 7%) just to "make a point". So I think his plan is to wait for Jan, get my name off, pay me $6000 for the buyout, then turn around and sell it using his friend as the agent at 1.5%, and make lots of $$.

My H has talked to an atty, and so have I, but neither has retained one because we'd like to do this out of court.

He wants to continue doing what he's doing because, I guess he's not going to stop what he had planned just because I want to reconcile. He think what I am saying is only temporary, and he's not making any changes in his plans. So I just feel defeated, almost like why fight it? He's going to be moving friends into our house (friends who HATE me now) so why would he want to reconcile? He has all the strength he needs with his friends & family helping him.

He's so nasty to me now, with his threats that he's going to stay at his friend's and not move back in, just so I have to pay 1/2 the mtg AND my rent too. He thinks I'm playing games...I just don't want to make a clouded decision. He has everyone helping him with legal advice, real estate advice, D advice. I have no one. And I am expected to trust his word.

I get the same threats, and H refuses to discuss selling the house even 10 months after separation. It's a way to continue controlling us.
Eventually you will learn to DETACH, and understand that you can control your reactions to his demands. I can now look at him and realize, I don't have to take it anymore. It will all get settled, but not necessarily in the time frame you want. Trust me, I wish I could speed this up.

Hi inafunk,

Sorry to hear about your problems, but you're in the right place.

My advice to you would be to get your own real estate agent and find out the value of your home for yourself. And depending on the amount of money you put down, you still would have accumulated equity because in most areas prices are going up.

How does your mortgage mature in only one year? Most are for 20 - 30 years. It you used both of your incomes to qualify, neither you or he may qualify by yourself <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

If he wants to pay you $6,000, you can bet, it's probably a lot more. He can't get your name off without you signing a 'quitclaim' deed and that only takes your interest off the property and not the loan. So, even if you sign you're still responsible unless you agree to let him refinance.

Can you move stay there and get roommates? He can't really get renters without your permission.

God Bless you for wanting to reconcile, but he sounds like he is going to make you pay. I'm sure you can understand his reluctance, there is a lot of pain in being a BS, and it doesn't go away overnight. Fact is, he has probably heard it all before like most of us has. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

IMHO, I would do what I had to do to stay in the house and not make any decisions, and not be threaten, and not sign anything.

God Bless You,
relady

Mrs. Funk:

Well, I guess I'd like 2 be the first 2 say this: I "sense" that this change in you is REAL. The A is OVER. You're NOT INTERESTED in another A. You've GROWN from the experience.

You will need 2 give Mr. Funk time 2 realize this and believe it on his own. I hope he pays attention 2 the important things in life - his R with his W - and demotes the importance he places in "batchin' it" with his friends.

As 2 what you should do? It's up 2 you whether you feel like you should sign or stall the DV. It also depends on the DV laws in your state as 2 what's good for you or not. As 2 the house? Well, my inclination would be 2 STAY there yourself, even if you have rented an apartment (give your 30-day notice on your first day, then let it go?). I wouldn't just take the $6K that Mr Funk has offered you 2 buy you out. Not yet, at least. And NOT using a friend of Mr. Funk's as a realtor. That's a conflict of interest, particularly if this friend is one of those that "hates you" as you mentioned above.

You 2 are fully grown adults, right? I think Mr. Funk, given time, will realize that you're sincere this time. And so it should be possible 2 reconcile even2ally, or DV amicably if that's the right choice for you 2.

Again, welcome back! I hope Mr. Funk comes on board again soon, 2.

Mrs Funk:

I wanted 2 add that I think it's important that you felt comfortable enough 2 tell us that you dont' follow all the MB principles. Rest assured that not ALL of the "plans" need 2 be followed 2 a T, or can't be "customized" 2 suit a particular sitch.

Can I make a recommendation? Get yourself a copy of Greg Baer's book "The Truth About Relationships." It's being revised, so you may not be able 2 find it in bookstores. You can oder it online though. Of all the books that I've read so far (HNHN, SAA, Divorce Rememdy and Passionate Marriage) this one's my favorite by far.

All my best,

inafunk -

Please do not let your H pressure you into doing anything that you feel uncomfortable doing.

Yes, he'll be mad, he'll rant, he'll rave, but in the end - so what?

This situation is emotional enough to have major decisions being made by you if you are not ready.

Run his offer by an attorney - I'm sorry if he doesn't want to use one, but you need to have your rights protected - all is not fair in love and divorce.

You also should run his offer by other people who you trust.

I respeat, do not let him push you into anything that you are not sure of.

Nothing bad will happen.

You may also want to get an attorney involved because they can make sure that you both are protected financially before the divorce is final.

I sounds as if right now you need some strength - so find it - go to a mediator if need be. They are vertainly cheaper.

Be strong! Right now you are vunerable and agree to anything if you think you will save the marriage and then have H turn around and scr*w you.

Just speaking from experience here.

Good luck. K

I am sorry for your problems, but just to reiterate.

YOU are the person who left the marriage several times by the look of your signiture line. He gave you so many chances and yet up until just a couple weeks ago, MAYBE, you were continually betraying him. How exactly do you think he should feel and how in the world do you think he should trust your sincerity???

I am sorry, but from the position of a betrayed spouse with a wife who "tried" to reconcile, but left once again, I have very little sympathy for you and your situation.

He isn't controlling you, he is sick of you. I would be to and I am sorry because you probably didn't come here to be flamed, but you are being coddled and that is absolutely wrong. I truly don't think that some of the posters above read your situation, because while I agonize over every marriage that is torn apart by infidelity and I truly hope that you have changed yourself. In what I see, you have merely said you MIGHT be LEANING toward reconciliation. That means that you MIGHT just decide to RESTART the affair.

You have shown that in your history several times. You have shown your husband NOTHING that makes me believe that you are sincere. Why should this time be any different than the last two or three? Why should he think that there is anything different about this than those?

Personally, I don't know what to think. But to tell you the absolute truth, while I wish it were different, I don't trust you either. I have seen it before in my wife, and I see the same thing in you. And truthfully, I would rather loose money myself than have her or your for that matter, PROFIT from your betrayal.

Now if you truly want to reconcile, then the house would not be your priority. He has shown that he is willing to try by trying several times already. Sign the stupid paper. Move out and CHANGE . Whatever you LOOSE on the sale of the house will be more than made up for with the possibility of rekindling your marriage. Sign the stupid paper about the infidelity. If you have no intention of doing it then it is just a waste of ink. But if you are so unsure of yourself and your desires, then you don't deserve the house nor your husband anyway.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> He says, "You know what to do in order to make me feel comfortable." I feel this reconcilition, should I decide to implement it, is going to be so one-sided. I wonder if it's even worth it at this point. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well I can tell you that if you don't know if it is worth it to you, then it definitely isn't to him. I would never be willing to be with someone that would say that a reconciliation isn't worth it. RECONCILIATION of a marriage means that you both come to a place in which the marriage is repaired or being repaired. RECONCILIATION is worth ANYTHING and EVERYTHING in my opinion. And anyone who thinks working on it is too hard is not worth the effort of the other person in my opinion. What do your think he should do, just forget about it? Forget which time? How many betrayals is required before you loose trust and that is OK in your book? Because you seem to think that you have not reached that point yet so he shouldn't need to feel the way he does. So I ask you, how many betrayals could you put up with and still be willing to trust your husband? 2? 4? 6? I would just like to know the number.

You don't sound like you are wanting to reconcile. "Leaning towards" is meaningless to a person in his situation. And truthfully, I would take it as more of an affront because you are wasting his time AND you are messing with his emotions. Everything it sounds like he has said I am pretty much in agreement with. I would not trust someone who repeatedly betrays me. I would not 'allow' myself to even think about trying without safeguards in place. I think that the no infidelity or loose everything document is crap. Not because I don't agree with it, because I think infidelity should mean 'you get your clothes and the door held open for you on your way out'. But he cannot ever think that if you stayed, that it is because you were afraid that you would loose the house. This sounds like what you are worried about.

To me you sound less worried about your marriage than you are about whether your husband, HUSBAND mind you, wants to have friends over to help with the rent. Or sell it for a profit. YOU gave up your right to the marital property when you broke your MARRIAGE covenant with your husband. He wanted you back and you broke it again, and again. Now that you are feeling a bit of the ramifications you are not so sure. Not because of what you can gain in your marriage, but what you can loose in your finances.

I am sorry. I am not generally a flamer. But you are just so out of bounds on this in my opinion. You want sincerity from him, but want to have to show none on your behalf. You will need to show and show and show it. You will have to live, breathe, sweat, and work fidelity, repentance, love and support. If you do all these things, I BET he will want you to return to work on your marriage. But for you to 'come back' because of the stupid house. That is just ludicrous.

If that is not your focus, then you should make the focus of your posts reflect something other than the house. Maybe how you understand how terrible you treated him and see the error of your ways. How you are trying so hard to work on changing you ways and live as a good wife. How you are trying to help him to understand what you need from him in order to help those changes to stick. How you are trying to ask him what else you can do to alieve his fears, pain, and anger. If you want your marriage, then THAT is what you should be doing to save it.

QUIT LEANING.