hi harold...
i am truly sorry that i have had u worrying about me... i have really been struggling emotionally... i want to give up, but my spirit knows better, so i keep on hanging in there...

i have told myself that it's time to let go of the past and move on with my life. give up on the reconcillation of my marriage and learn how to be happy for once in my life...

i need to focus on me and learn how to live again... i feel so drained from negative emotions... i have fought the distruction of my relationship with my ex to no avail...

just monday night he was calling me a stupid MF, because i confronted him about something my daughter said he did when she was there visiting during the holidays... he got furious and accused me of not having his back and taking the word of a kid over his...

OMG... she is 15 y/o... i do think she knows what she is talking about and i do believe she knows how to express herself adequately...

but i have looked at the whole situation and realized that it is just another manipulation on my part... i have been very manipulative with trying to force him into not leaving or coming back... it's time for me just to let him go... he will surely ruin his relationship with his daughter all on his own...

the things he says and does make me sure that he will never be the man God has for me... i do not deserve to be mistreated and/or abused for any reason... and i am determined to stop putting myself in his way...

my holidays from thanksgiving to new years were sad and lonely... i tried to make the best of it and had a little fun... but for the most part i was sad and wishing for him to be around.

then the last straw was when he was supoosed to bring my d home on saturday after new years, i get an e-mail from southwest airlines, (i didn't get a phone call or and e-mail from him) with my d's flight itenerary... i was devastated... one more crushing blow to the heart...when will i ever learn??? i told him that i was looking forward to seeing him and i was expecting to get to see my son and without warning i get the news that he isn't even coming... <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

it has been a particularly bad week... my back went out on sunday and i am having serious financial struggles and i'm trying to move... OMG.. i feel crazy... but i told him yesterday after stewing for a day over him cursing me the day before that i finally realized that he didn't deserve my love...

to be honest with you harold, i wanted him to put up a fight. i wanted him to be hurt and/or act sad... but he just kept it moving like it was just another day... i mean i didn't really break it off with him cause he told me it was over way before thanksgiving, but i just kept fighting it and manipulating... now it's time to move on...

so, i'm trying not to grieve to the extreme... i just want to be healthy... mentally and physicaly... i'm so tired of being sad, looking sad and having pity as my best friend... please pray for me... i know you have been..
God Bless you my friend...
kim... <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

<small>[ January 09, 2003, 05:55 PM: Message edited by: idostylin ]</small>

Sis,

I was recently where you are, as you know and I can feel the pain in your writing. It has to end, but it is unfortunately on an individual time-line. Nonw of us can say "You get over it after so many months....or after this happens....or when you have done such and such". The amount of kicks in the teeth we are willing to take differs from person to person, but I got my final kick these holidays and I can honestly say I have finally let go of my yearning for my marriage to be restored.

The final 'kick' wasn't all that different from all the others I have received...what WAS different was the realisation in my SOUL, that the man I knew is gone. Completely. And I have no obligation to this stranger that now resides in his body. No obligation to hold on, to make things easier for him, to care about what he does, NONE. And I can tell you I found it very freeing.

Only you know if you have received YOUR final kick, when you reach the point of being able to love yourself again enough to NOT let this affect you. When you said he doesn't deserve your love....that is so true. You did your best in trying to recover your marriage. At least you can say that. He can't.

People have been telling me the best revenge is a good life. I can tell you that certain strengths I have regained over the last year SHOCKED my X when he was here (remember I hadn't seen him for a year) and he just didn't know what to do with the new stronger independent me. He even still tried to twist my words TWICE, like he used to, but when I refuted both times, he shut up. Before his attitude was "I am right, you are wrong". I just let him know I wasn't falling for that anymore. He didn't like it, not surprisingly.

I know that the life out there, without your X's support and love seems really scary. But the truth is you have been without it for a while now. People who love each other...even just LIKE each other, do not treat others like this. And what have you done while this has been going on? You have gone on with things, okay, a lot of it was painful, but you DID it. Feel proud of what you have accomplished on your own, and move more towards that independence with pride, not remorse.

Since my X left, I have done a lot of big things as well as small without HIS input or help. The small things include things like hammering a drawer runner back into place, to checking my car over for oil and water and a good search around under the hood, to using the stupid weed thrasher thing (which HE could never start, hehe) to making plans to restore a table setting my parents passed onto me, to .....well you get the idea.

Don't discount the small achievements in your life at this time. As well as the biggies. Because those things point to your strength in all of this.

Letting go is difficult, but achievable. Take it one day, or even one hour at a time, until you get to the point where you suddenly just know you HAVE.

Love and light,

Jacky

hey sis,
thanks for your sincere compassion... it is truly felt...

peace and love...
kim...

you know sis... i am feeling better today... i think i made the right decision... i don't really want ti this way, but i know i have to get on with my life...

i will never be able to have love again if i keep clutching on to this situation... i want to be in love again... i want to be loved again. i know i am lovable and i know i can love...

i feel encouraged today... thank God and thank you and harold for being there... you know thorned rose always e-mails me to... she doen't know how it makes me feel to be on her distribution list... she always has something positive to give... BTW... have you heard how is her daughter???

NEway... thanks to you all for your support... i do know it's there... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

<small>[ February 03, 2003, 03:54 PM: Message edited by: Sauron ]</small>

hi harold...

just checking in...

jacky is great!!! u r rught!!! she is always there for me... i haven't been very supportive to her lately... i'm just drained... exhausted... sad... spent... burned out...

hope things r well for u and yours... God bless u harold...

peace and love
kim...

<small>[ February 03, 2003, 03:54 PM: Message edited by: Sauron ]</small>

kim, I had to reply after I read:
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">just monday night he was calling me a stupid MF, because i confronted him ... he got furious and accused me of not having his back and taking the word of a kid over his ... so, i'm trying not to grieve to the extreme ... i just want to be healthy... mentally and physicaly... i'm so tired of being sad, looking sad and having pity as my best friend... </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">because it sounded so much like my relationship with STBXH. My H used the same words even... so I can really relate to the pain you're going through.

I second what Jacky said because I've been there too:
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I know that the life out there, without your X's support and love seems really scary. But the truth is you have been without it for a while now. People who love each other...even just LIKE each other, do not treat others like this. And what have you done while this has been going on? You have gone on with things, okay, a lot of it was painful, but you DID it. Feel proud of what you have accomplished on your own, and move more towards that independence with pride, not remorse.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

Where's the little blushing face?

Thanks for the support all of you...it makes me feel good that I can say something that helps people here, and especially my wonderful sis who lived through the early days of all of this with me. I could not have gotten through without her and a few very supportive regulars to my threads back then. And as time has gone on, some of the people have gone, and new ones came to replace them, and they too were so generous with their time and advice.

Don't worry about not 'being there for me sis, I know that we all go through our rough times, and right now it is harder for you than it is for me. So go ahead and lean on us, that is what we are here for.

Okay, now, I want to tell you what I accomplished today...I have some of X's stuff stored at my house. I wanted it moved over a year ago and he did nothing. So today I called up a few storage places and got quotes, and emailed them to X. I made a decision about this, because I do not think he will bother about it. I give him one month from today to get it out of here, or I will be informing him that I will be telling his parents to organise it ASAP or I will sell it.

Another smaller issue I had was the pay TV. They had a change in their package, which more than doubled my bill. So I switched companies today....er....pathetic as it sounds, choosing another one and arranging it all made me feel wonderful. I wasn't waiting around for HIM to evaluate it or approve it for ages, while nothing got done, you see. ACTION! I did it myself, and it got fone when I wanted it to. I know,it does seem like such a little thing, but yet another step forward in my independent life.

Funny how action can make one feel in control of their lives again. Action, decisions and achieving goals....that is what I am aiming for now. It makes me feel more confident just thinking about it.

Come on, Kim, tell us some of the things you have accomplished, or are doing. It really helps to write them down!

Love and light,

Jacky

<small>[ February 03, 2003, 03:55 PM: Message edited by: Sauron ]</small>