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Joined: Jun 2000
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My fears? I have been divorced over two years and feel pretty recovered from that. Just left a horrible relationship...but the list remains the same:

1) that I will be abandoned
2) that I will be alone
3) that I will settle (yes, a personal choice, but sometimes the fear of #1-2 might cause #3 if I am not aware)
4) that even if I do find someone, that things will change unexpectedly because of the tenuousness of feelings and emotional needs.
5) that I will be cheated on and lied to (a problem in my last relationship as well as my marriage)

Despite all of my progress over the last two +years, I still fear these things. I love my life and where I am, and yet, I still get melancholy at the thought of spending another night alone and never having a family....

Joined: Jan 2003
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Llama: I, too, think this was a great idea for a discussion thread! From the looks of it, it seems that we all pretty much have the same fears. I'm still waiting for your 'long' version!

I continue to work on my issues...including the knees...lol! I was running last summer and fall, but it got just too cold! Will start again in the spring. I miss it! Exercise certainly makes me feel better! It makes me feel stronger, healthier, and like I'm doing something very positive in my life!

Does anyone else have the winter blues? I think that's part of my problem.

Hugs to all!

Joined: Sep 2002
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X first walked out, felt so lonely. Then I started to think, X was in Navy. when X came out he distance himself from me & son. Ive been alone for a lone time, just didnt know it.
Trust would be a big problem. X had A while working as cop on duty. dont think I could ever trust a man while he works.
Finances is biggest problem. trying to raise 13 yr old son who has medicial problems & ADD on $490 childsupport. X quit paying Court order medical & school. trying to find a job working around school hasnt worked out. son is starting to show learning problems & hehavior problems. Dr. said son has aggression towards Cops (X)& nurses(OW).
felt old X left me for OW who is couple yrs older than my oldest son. But after seeing her I can see why no one else wanted her. thought she would look like Barbie, blond and slim. I may be almost 49 but I feel I look better than her.
Dating isnt a problem. Been ask out but declined. Son is having mental health problems, after dad abandand him he is very protected of me. doesnt want any men around me. Dr. said son is afraid I will walk out on him too like dad did. cant put him though the things X has. Besides I need the time to get my life together before I drag someone else into it.

m-17 1/2 yrs
me-48, x-43
c-13, 29, 8 gd
d-5-02

ow-32
c-3 under 11
m-10yrs
d-7-02

Joined: Apr 2002
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Oh my goodness - I can't believe all the great responses! So so sorry I haven't posted mine yet. It's been one of those weeks.

My whole life growing up, my insecurities had to do with my appearance, mainly weight. I'm attractive, not overweight, but have to really watch it or I will gain a ton since I'm a shorty.

When I was married I was insecure about my weight and later became insecure that my XH was not telling me what was bothering him. You know the helper in us? I think back about it and wonder, was I pestering him to tell me what the heck was bugging him? He acted this way - like I was the one who had the problem with him. But good intuition has always been something I've had - he obviously was balancing two lives and was a mess and couldn't tell me.

Quite frankly, the day before his d day - I was prepared to file for divorce. After months of therapy, him taking medication for his intense anxiety, constant fighting, etc. I had just HAD it. I was exasperated and felt at my wit's end. I was a happy person who was so unhappy. I was a pretty secure person who felt so insecure.

It wasn't until I discovered his online affair that I started feeling really insecure about myself.

Then after some great therapy - felt better about it and began to take care of me. The truth was, regardless of the affair - I discovered that our marriage wasn't really over, it had never really begun. Does that make sense? We had all of these problems before we EVER walked down the aisle. We should have never walked down the aisle.

I felt like I had really lost myself.

But, now - I'm back! Whoo hoo.

I'm very comfortable with myself, appearance, and body shape now. Hey, I'm not perfect - but who the heck is.

Trust - I never had trust issues in my life, maybe with strangers, salesmen, etc., but not with those close to me.

Even now, I'm dating a nice man. And, trust isn't an issue with him. Actually, his insecurity is trust.

Then I wonder, am I too trusting?

My issues? Well, I could be a better listener. Still working on this. I tend to make assumptions. When something upsets me, I tend to get loud and yell. (This has ALWAYS been an issue of mine.) It's a challenge, but it's getting easier. I don't have a temper, I just get exasperated when I feel no one is hearing me (validating me).

I'm also learning that since we're MB's, we're one step ahead in the growing process. I've learned so much. Haven't you? Good and bad.

Ok, I'm done rambling. More tomorrow.

Thanks to all who posted. I'm going to read over them all again tonight.

Hugs,
Llama

Joined: May 2000
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Can I sum them up succinctly:

-I'm not 25 anymore. Would anyone ever want to marry me.

-Can I get my children raised well. Finances. Emotional/mental health. Model proper family stuff - they will, at this rate, reach adulthood not living in a household with two adults for models. Acacemically. Can I really provide all they need.

-Can I prepare financially for our needs. College. My retirement.

-The thing I was most beaten up over was my lack of organization. Is there a man out there who would be able to cope with my lack of organization which results from never learning those skills and being an ADD adult.

Joined: Feb 2001
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These are really scary issues!

bangarra: </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Ok, not divorced yet, but been trying to be for 2 years and more.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I totally relate to this!

llama: </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Quite frankly, the day before his d day - I was prepared to file for divorce. After months of therapy, him taking medication for his intense anxiety, constant fighting, etc. I had just HAD it.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">STBXH had started drinking and using drugs again about a year before d day and had been severely verbally abusing me for about 4 months. We'd been to MC. In fact, he said he was leaving and, with relief, I said, "Go!" But, when I found out, almost immediately, that he'd moved in with a young woman who worked for our company, a recently married 21 year old woman with a young daughter, the whole situation changed, and I was devastated. I fought, unsuccessfully, for two years to get him back... they're still together (not working and getting high)even though she's the one he's abusing now.

cjack: </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Nowadays, I can't believe that I could have been so wrong about something! I trusted my feelings, and my feelings (as well as my XW) betrayed me in the worst way. I'm not gun-shy about trusting another woman, but I'm deathly afraid of trusting my own feelings again.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is my WORST fear! I'm dating a man right now. A really nice, considerate man. I trust him, he's been totally honest with me. But, I don't trust myself, my judgement, at all!

Nina too: </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The exact same thing here. How can I trust myself to judge someone as honest and trustworthy and faithful when I THOUGHT I already had that, and got cheated on through my married life?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I found out my STBXH had been cheating on me throughout our whole life together... and I never knew. I never even knew that for the first 8 years we were together that he was a heroin addict!

Georgiasweetie49:
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">1. Am I worthy?
2. Am I pretty enough?
3. Am I accepting enough?
4. Am I too old?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'm 51 so I totally understand how you feel! And my H left me for a real dog! a much, much younger dog...a puppy?(no, they're cute!) But, I got asked out by a 25 y.o., a 35 y.o. told me he'd ask me out if he wasn't married, a 37ish guy wanted to ask me out, but I was already dating a 43 y.o. man. I hadn't looked at another man in 20 years and really never thought I'd date again. I still have a hard time believing he really likes me, even though I'm not sure how much I like him either. Ah, dating...

broken X 3: </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">well, if no one ever loves me again, (and I too feel like almost 50 is pushing it, although the Oil of Olay has done wonders!!) at least I had the love of my life at one time...even if he did turn out to be a lying cheating sack of **** </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I also felt that my STBXH was the love of my life, and your description fits him perfectly! I think we're lucky to have loved, I think it's even better than being loved. But, don't give up now! Yes we're "old" and the statistics are against us, but, as a 58 y.o. woman friend of mine pointed out, we still look good to older men (and she's dating a 54 y.o.). So, stick with the Oil of Old Lady (as the kids call it)!

Joined: Nov 2002
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"Oil of Old Lady"!!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

How that made me laugh! Thanks so much. Actually, I got quite the ego boost this past summer when my 16 year old's guy friends told her that mom looked "hot", and I'm very fortunate that I do look a bit younger than my true age. Maybe there is hope for me yet!
But I am beginning to believe in myself again, and that is the most important thing!

Joined: Apr 2002
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Lets try-

Thanks for your post. Another thought has crossed my mind. I mentioned it in my earlier post.

Even though I was a BS, I don't feel like I have major trust issues with others. Should I? I'm a pretty trusting person, I think I have decent intuition - but I wouldn't say I'm naive or overly trusting. That's me.

I'm dating a great guy right now who does have trust issues. So, we make for an interesting pair. I have to be honest when I say if there is one thing I learned from my first marriage, it's how to communicate better. So, we can discuss an issue if one comes up. And, I think overall, we're doing it pretty well.

I'm continuing to read relationship books. I feel good about myself. I feel my wounds are healing very nicely.

I'm going through an annulment right now and that has helped me tremendously with the healing aspect of divorce.

I don't have all the answers. I have to forgive myself often (sometimes hard to do, I can be pretty tough on myself). I also have to recognize and admit my mistakes more. When I was married, I always felt like I had to fight or stick up for myself. Reality is, I make mistakes. I did in my marriage and I do it in my everyday life. I'm trying to be a better listener and a little less defensive.

Does anyone know what I'm talking about? The defensiveness thing?

Overall, my relationship with my family and friends feels better than ever before. I feel I have found the peace in my life that I deserve, but continue to work on me every day.

Hope we can keep this post going. It's helpful to chat with others who have/are going through the same changes.

Hugs,
Llama

Joined: Apr 2002
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^^^bumping up^^^^

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