Been in "recovery" for a little over a year now-WS doing his best from what I can tell. The problem, I can't forget, don't even know if I've truly forgiven. But I don't think I love WS anymore for what he did to me, definitely not IN love. Sorry to admit this but I had to go so far as to have my own affair to see how a spouse can do this to the person they promised to love and forsake all others for. The real doozy is I felt absolutely NOTHING. No guilt, no shame, no remorse. Just, "oh, so this is what it's about." <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> So does this mean my marraige is over and I just can't see it, or choose not to? Anyone else who is or has been in my shoes, your response would be greatly appreciated.

Karma, I read your post and although I can't really offer any advice at this point, I wanted to let you know I was thinking about you and your situation.

How many years have you been married? How long and how involved was his A? All of this plays into the BS decision of what they can live with and repair and what they cannot.

I understand your pain and can identify with the "I can have an affair too you know" idea = I think many people in their hurt and anger have that reaction, although I'm sorry to hear that you acted on it. I'm not trying to be judgmental, just that it makes a complicated situation even more complicated.

I just wanted to let you know you were being thought of and prayed for. Have you read the MB main board for help and advice?

Karma-

Not certain where you or your H are physically, emotionally, mentally and even spiritually but
Here's some food for thought-

I extracted this from my research from an archive on 'smart marriages'

A survey polled more than 1,000 people
between
ages 30 and 50 whose spouses had had affairs (75 percent were women and 25
percent were men; their responses were analyzed by a statistician).
Remarkably, the marriages that survived, and even thrived, were those in
which the partners talked the most about the affair--often every day for
months--and in which the cheaters revealed everything their mates asked to
know, including explicit sexual details. Even more remarkably, a majority
of the respondents who thoroughly dissected their affairs (59 percent)
said
that their marriages were actually better after the affair than before it.
Exclusive interviews conducted by Redbook with couples whose marriages
survived infidelity bear these findings out.

Vaughan's most controversial finding is that revealing even graphic sexual
details of the affair can help save a marriage. A majority of the
cheated-on spouses--62 percent--said they'd wanted to know every detail of
their partner's affair. And 55 percent of those whose spouses answered all
their questions said they had healed somewhat. (In most cases, the wounds
were still fresh: 47 percent of the affairs were revealed within the past
year, and 38 percent within the past five years.)

These findings run counter to the beliefs of many marital therapists, who
advise against focusing on the affair and particularly against exposing
the
hurt partner to the gory details.

It appears that you're new here, as I am...suggest you search around and find if the concepts and principles are for you and whether or not you are willing to work them to save your marriage.

Godspeed to you,
S

Thank you both for taking time to reply. I've been married now 3 1/2 years. 2 Years when D-Day occured. I was 3 months preg with 1st child (after 1 year of infertility treatment). It was his ex GF who is also married. She called him at work and it went from there. They were involved for 3 months before I found out-devastated doesn't even begin to describe my feelings. He said he was in love with her, they were both going to leave their spuses for eachother, blah, blah, blah.. This was until I hired a PI, found her husband and revealed all! Boy she couldn't call it quits fast enough. And of course my WS came back with his tail between his legs. I told myself I would give myself 2 years (I know that's a long time, but I was thinking of the baby)to see how I felt. Times almost up and I'm dead inside. Best way to describe it. I put on a happy face for my family but if for some reason my WS didn't come home, I'd be okay, get on with my life and I honestly don't think I'd cry over the loss. This BS is all cried out. Anyways, that's my story in a nutshell. Thanks again for your replys!

I hurt for you. That's an incredible amount of pain to work through and deal with a new baby.

You sound like a very strong person. Please take your time now that you have begun to face your feelings head on. Motherhood and all the pressures you deal with there can leave you so exhausted it's hard to feel anything somedays.

Men don't always understand this, and perhaps he can't meet any of your needs in this respect. That just emphasizes your feelings of emptiness.
Just some thoughts to consider.

Take care - thinking of you.

Karma, If you are all cried out then perhaps you should Plan A, Plan B and then DV?

It sounds like your love has gone and there has been no work from you H on rebuilding? Just my $0.02.

Geez - I must be the 'missing link' I had a PA on my wife back in '94 (no sex but heavy petting) and on D-Day we went over every single detail over and over and over and over and over for months...
Next year she cheats on me - Inter-racial - and goes all the way 3 times.
She never forgave me for my PA the previous year. We never talked about her affair after D-Day: she refused to and would never admit to it after D-Day.
2 Years later, we divorce. She's still convinced, today, that I had sex with the lady during my PA back in '94. She also swears that she never had any affair in '95 on me and that it's just a story she made up.
Yeah right...
We divorced in June '98 - I do NOT miss her at all. The Lord found me a lovely Christian Lady who is EVERYTHING my former wife wasn't...
Nuff said.
Harold
Like I said, I am in the minority here...