I'm having the hardest time! I have been crying since Thursday.

The story

I was at work and phone rang and to my surprise it was the xow she wanted to know if h and I were trying to work things out. I said why do you care? Ready for this:

She has a heart problem and it is getting really bad and they told her she only has 4 to 5 years to live and her kidneys and liver are going too.
She is trying to get her daughter a good home to live in (my soon to be) xh wants custody but would be doing it on his own (good luck) and she said maybe his sister can help him. That is fine I can understand what she is doing as a parent myself but knowing my h has an oc that is 2 years of age and a girl(something I always wanted)hurts beyond belief.

I called os in college and he said he wants to meet his sister and I have to say I went nuts. I know that this is not rational but it hurts to hear him say this. I don't know how not to take it personal.

I feel my h did a terrible thing that he had an affair and then had a child and kept it a secret for 3 years. Now this child is in and I am out! I know this is silly talk but I truly feel this way and it hurts so..... bad.

Everyone seems to except it and tell me I have to move on but I don't seem to have the skills. I go to counseling, I'm on meds and I keep busy what else can I do? I finding that I am a very weak person and when I look in the mirror I hate what I see.

Why should I care about this lying cheating man? He disrepescted me and used my trust in him to get away with his deceptions. But it seems like everyone has moved on and is willing to except this child and it doesn't matter how much it hurts me. In the scheme of thing I know that is how it should probably be but I hate it. I feel I did nothing wrong but I lose.

I know I might me talking nonsense but my head knows whats right but my heart seems to be in an other country because the pain hurts more than I can describe.

Also xow told me what a good father he is and how my boys should be proud that their father has taken responsibility for his daughter. I said yes they are also proud thier father had an affair too and she said everyone makes mistakes and he shouldn't be punished the rest of his life for it. I said it has changed my whole life with a man I was married to for 22 years and she was suddening silent.

So this happened Thursday and I have not been myself since. I keep seeing my h with his oc and I am so jealous of their relationship. It kills me and I don't know how to get past this. I hate my life and I don't know what to do to get strong. I have read till I'm blue in the face and I have been praying but I am having issues with that also. I just get NO RELIEF. Does anyone have any advice?

LJ

{{{{{{{{{{LJ1122}}}}}}}}}

I haven't been through what you've been through. No OC, as far as I know - though the OW's 6 yr. old D lives with WH and MOW and the A has gone at least that long... and WH sure gushes about how much he loves her (MOW's D).

Anyway, I feel for you even though I haven't had the same experience. I've had many experiences with my STBXH that have left me feeling the same way, as though I just couldn't deal with it. But somehow, each time, I have. And that's the message I want to give you. God never gives us more than we can bear, so believe it, you will survive. And since we learn the most from pain, you will probably come out stronger in the end.

I know this doesn't help right here, right now, and I don't know how to tell you to get stronger immediately. Acceptance doesn't mean being in agreement or coming to like a situation, it just means accepting the reality of it. Once you accept it, then you can decide what you want to do to take care of you. Until you accept it, your held hostage by your pain about it.

No one in your family can see the situation from your perspective and, thankfully for the child's sake, they're not blaming her for the sins of her parents. It's only been a few days so don't expect yourself to get over it instantly. Be kind to yourself. Stay away from family members who aren't understanding right now. Above all, don't beat up on yourself. This is an extremely hurtful situation and you need to be kind to yourself.

It's another betrayal. Of your motherhood. Of your family. Of your own children. I'm sure you're reeling. I would be. I suspected my then-wife was pregnant with not my child... but she miscarried. Every day, I thank God for that while mourning the lost dreams of being a father.

I felt and asked myself... "We went through hell so she could concieve! How could she start an A in the midst of hyper-fertility treatments?!?" In hindsight, I think the possibility that her pregnancy might not have been mine, HURT more than the betrayal of just the A. I have since accepted that it probably was her lover's child. And God, it hurts to even think of that.

The single most important thing is that this is part of the betrayal package. The A wasn't about you. The A wasn't about your children. It was about your spouse making really crappy choices and being too selfish to consider your feelings in any of it. You have to be stronger than this. Protect yourself. Do what you can for you and your own.

I hope you have good friends and family that can support you. My heart aches for you. Sometimes you wish you could wave a magic wand and make it all go away. It won't. We can't. We roll with the blows and come up stronger for whatever reason. I chose spite as my reason; I was not going to let her crush me anymore. I would get up no matter how hard she tried because I'm stronger than this. Spite enabled me to get up in the short run and confront the immediate issues at hand. In the long run, I need to find something else.

I offer you the suggestion that while overwhelming, you ARE stronger than this. I also want you to know that none of this is your responsibility. You are still just as good a mother, just as good a wife, just as good a human being as you were yesterday, last week, last month, 5 years ago. All the dreams you had a little child, are still yours for the taking. People and circumstance might try and take them from you... but you're not going to let them be snatched are you? Hold your head high... and even if you can't see it, believe in a grander purpose in store for your life.

I talked to h and told him to please stop trying to be my friend that right know I can't handle him calling me. He doesn't seem to understand how painful this is for me. I had such a BAD weekend that I don't want to go there again. I have to learn to except this situation because I can't change anything but myself plus my body can't handle the stress of all of this.

He said he is so... sorry for what he has done to me and our relationship and if he could change things he would. I just told him to leave me alone and let me get strong. He in turn said well can I call you on Wednesday and I said NO and he said, "You don't want me to call you at all"

Everytime he calls I go back down that ladder I just climbed and I have to start all over again and it is getting harder to keep trying. I have to survive this for me and I just need to remove him from my life. I told him I need to proceed with the divorce and finalize it and he said do what you need to do.

So I awake today with a new look at my life and I need to take control and move on. I know it will be very hard but what chooses do I have! No one else can help me but me don't get me wrong I do have a great support system but only I have control of my inner self. So lets hope today is the start of a new beginning.

Lj