Thanks everybody. I went for a long walk last night for an hour and tried to begin to jog again. Stress has caused me to get really winded lately.

Then did something stupid. Went and met one of my girlfriends down the street and a new posh little tapas bar (her treat as I am broke) and I drank 1 martini. Ate a little bit. Went home and puked my guts out. After only 1 drink. Stress I guess. Son is with the felon for the weekend.

Stress is getting to me. And it's funny. My bp is still a bit high but not too bad though. I am just dealing with it good. Went to a counselor a year ago and she said that she didn't think I needed any more..She is well respected and said that I was grounded and that sometimes my emotions would go all over the board but that's ok. Was on lexapro a while back until I was weaned off by my doc who also doesn't think I need meds at all. I am coping ok. Despite the hell I have good coping skills. Thank God for that.

Great idea Cindy @ the ego stroking to get the 60-40 split. I can always try or get attorneys to try. And good ideas about custody.

My lead attorney is the awesome one. IT was the other one, the lady attorney who was in court on wed. The opposition views her as the "bad cop" in dealings and sees the lead attorney as the "good cop". Thus we are going to try to get lead attorney to do the settlement negotiations as they seem to like him better and have commented that "you're more reasonable than she is". But that's just a perception. He's much tougher than she is but it's all in his delivery. Much like how Matlock could tell someone they're a liar and discredit them on the stand but just appear like he's bringing up a "few good points" instead of ripping the person to shreds. He has that gift. So I am going with him for the negotiation.

He's going to do a good bit of ego stroking as well making Jethro think he's in control when my lead attorney has already been designing safeguards to write into decree in case Jethro's lying about money and has hidden away tons of it. So he is not far from prosecution and will be committing a crime. Will post on that later. Plus lead attny is also getting stuff legally ready for me in case I choose to move for a job or something. Will put in all the legal loopholes we can to make sure our needs are served.

John C thank you so much. You are such a wonderful and loving person. I am blessed to have another friend. It is hard without family. Other than my sister, I haven't called other relatives to even worry them with the outcome. Thanks newly, Cindy (I am glad to hear from y ou and think you are great btw...thank you for supporting and good ideas), sadeyes,lonesome heart, faith4me. I love you and you know it.

I have thought about bankruptcy but will do everything to possibly avoid it. Staying afloat is the key now. And I am having a little contest to see how much money I can keep over a weekend possibly. I have 60 bucks left until payday or when Jethro is ordered to pay by tuesday or he will be jailed and in willfull contempt then. I am making a game out of it.

Offer for settlement. We are asking the following now: a few pieces of furniture, bombe chest, painting I picked out (ironically entitled "judgement"), table, portrait of son I had done. 30k towards cc debt (they already offered it), 50k of cash from properties (he mortgaged everything to hilt but we think they'd give us this), 3kmo child support and 2k spousal support for 5 years. I pay half the schooling if he pays all the college. He pays braces, etc. other misc.

They already offered about 4k per mo. support and cc's. Nothing about division of property but I will see to that.

I have offered now to move in my once dream home. That will be incredibly traumatic, but that's ok.

Have decided to get neighbors to go to their priest to get some holy water and we will do an informal "exorcism" of the old home. That way I can live in it with God's blessing. Have the home blessed if we have to.

Maybe we can live there six months and allow my credit to repair and get better. And save up for a house. That would be nice. Even three months would be nice.

The ball's rolling. I am sad but it's ok. I lost. It's ok. sin won. But not in the long run at all. Three years from now he'll be kicking himself in the groin over this.

Woke up and feel poopy. Rainy here. I am going to bury my head back in covers after posting. I just want to sleep basically.

It's the seventh and he hasn't paid us yet. I am really frightened. Judge ordered by monday he pay us for may's rent. June is due now too. I must admit I am frightened.

Last night the paralegal came over and worked on the what if trial thing. I am praying that this will be over soon.

Please, please pray that we get paid just enough so I can move back into old house in July. I need a break and don't know how to get it. I honestly believe now that Jethro is madder than h#ll and that he will further not pay us until he has to because he's projecting that I was the reason he was arrested. Heck, I wasn't even at home when the investigators arrived.

Believe he's madder than ever that the world got to see him in orange. That he had to take stand in orange. No shame. Nothing.

And I am frightened to death. I can't get happy or excited about anything. Nothing. The D may be final soon and I have to maybe move back into the Amityville Horror. My neighbors said that they will definitely get me some holy water from their priest. I just had no desire whatsoever to drive into that driveway. That house reminds me of nothing but tears and a broken family.

And I am not really depressed about the D at all. When I called attorneys to settle on thursday, I felt the loss at that point. Nothing since. There's nothing to bury anymore. Nothing.

It's about our survival right now. And I am really down. I so appreciate John C and Rich and Orchid and FC and L.Husband and my friends here. This is possibly the worst time for me. He's done far too much.

And last night the paralegal had to ask me about instances of abuse. And I had to go through those again. I want that part of my life left behind me now. It's who I am, but not part of my present. It's my past. And I don't want that past anymore. None of it.

I am missing my little boy right now. I feel utterly exhausted and just down.

Just pray for us. Pray that we are able to be paid. Pray that Jethro's attorneys are able to convince him that if we are negotiating that he should pay us for June as well. He has the money. Said so in court. Enough to pay our back rent and the present rent.

In a year and a half I went from countryclub stay at home wife (zero debt)to a single working mom with less than half, probably 75% less assets than before and double the debt. Nothing about this is fair. I am not going to wallow in it but am going to go back to sleep until I wake up today and decide to do something about it. I am comparing another debt consolidation company today. See who can lower it the most with least monthly payment and lower interest rate. Then I'll sign that. Paralegal seems to think that my life will be alot different after divorce. That's I will actually be able to make it.

Here's the wierd part: Jethro is moving out of the house this month. Where shall he go? Hmmmm. In with FV of course we think. Also we uncovered for sure who this mystery woman was in january that he paid 1000 rent for. It was the roommate of Ms. Family Values. Probably for her cutting her apartment lease short so she could shack up with Jethro. Although they say she's not living with him. He paid for his mistress' rent but couldn't pay for his wife or his child. Makes me want to vomit.

Sentencing phase is next for Jethro and paralegal said court will probably need me for testimony. Great. Another day outta work. I said that's the only way I will go to court. Now I won't testify if Jethro made some deal or concession (had to be huge)as paralegal said that could be used as leverage. However, the charges were placed by state and she's not even sure if charges could be dropped. This would be a big negotiation point. Dropping felony charges against him is worth alot I believe. But we will see. I am having them look into that. Deep down I t hink it would be best however if he had a felony and the charge of criminal trespassing on his record b/c then if son and I wanted to move, it would be more evidence that son needs to be with mom,me period.

I will weigh this option when we come to that. Sometimes everything is negotiable. I think this will be huge. Pull out this last minute deal the day before the trial for Jethro that we could drop the charges (if we can) if he'd only....

Heck I don't know. Life isn't a game. It's not something to be played. It's to be lived. And I am wanting so out of this horrible game that I could puke.

It feels like now I never had a family, except for my son. I found some old pictures of me at my home in TN. How life was so normal back then. And how after son was born it was normal. And in a few photos I found some of my dad who's dead and on the 10th of this month will make four years. Looking at pics of my dad and Jethro, felt like both were dead. Except I still mourn for my dad.

My paralegal had something very interesting to say last night about Jethro. She said "I honestly believe he has difficulties in controlling his impulses. I read that a high number of white collar criminals and also those committing burglaries have difficulties w/impulse controls too. (she just graduated from law school)" I told her about my endorphin brain theory and she thinks they go hand in hand. She also believes he could truly amaze any psychiatrist.

I am glad about one thing. No way to engage with him right now. That feels so good. And to know that I do not have to deal with him period. Not at all. That there is a huge barrier there legally there to protect me. Having him gone, totally gone is the best plan B in the world. I like it. It's so sad that someone could say that about someone they once loved, but it's true.

Sorry for going on and on. I am going to bed again. I will wake up when it's ok to wake up. Then do some housework. Jog. Then put together the clothes for the charity to pick up (tax breaks) and then start to use the boxes I still have and box a little bit of stuff up already. I am just tired of not having a place of our own.

I am praying that God provide a temporary shelter for son and I at the old house and that within six months, maybe for Christmas, son and I can get a new house. Our house. Nobody's but ours. No rent. Nothing. Just our house. Worst case would be a rent-to-own which could be ok. But just knowing I have somewhere that I can plant flowers at. Somewhere where I feel like it's my home. Somewhere I feel safe. We've moved so much. We've lost so much. I want to feel like I have somewhere to belong. That is our prayer along with the finances.

I also daydreamed about dating last night. Within a month I can date. Wow. But got the move, finances to straighten out, etc. But the fact that I can date soon is good. Think however, there's just too much change too fast for us.

Please keep praying for the two miracles ok?

In our deepest despair, we begin to grow.
I read into your post Acceptance of all that is happening, and plans to move ahead. I think this is great. You are already beginning to plan a life without J, and he's not the focus of your post, your future life is.

You are getting better. And you can see a better life ahead. It's not the country club life, but a better, emotionally healthy life for you and your son. I look forward to the same for my family.

Today is a day for you, you are responsible only to yourself, so take care of yourself. Stay in bed if you wish.

We've had so much rain here in the East, that everyone seems depressed. Today is the first dry day in quite a long time.

Enjoy the day!

You are a strong woman. And the paralegal seems to have some good advice. Asking for the personal possessions is a good plan. You need to have some things that are yours and your sons. Have you gone to the government for help? Was just wondering, like food stamps, or help on rent and utilities. I know you work, but with the situation of money, seems there would be some government legal help.

I liked the idea of selling all the assets and splitting them 60/40. That way you could get something small to live in. Something Easy to handle and care for. Have a garden of your own to grow the beautiful flowers, knowing that you planted them and watched them grow. Your son could grow some plants, and watch them produce flowers or vegetables. Someplace that the two of you know is your home, and your home only.

This is the only path, to let God help you. To let your mind take a rest. Just a suggestion, I would get on anti-depressants. Also, in the news they said in a study that a anti-D was found to help with hormone therapy (family of Prozac) can't remember the name right now. So 2 pluses in this anti-D. Stress messes up your appetite, hormones, thinking, judgement. Stress causes one to have hair loss, and cycles of menses so irregular. Your wanting to sleep, is a sign that you are down. Hon, see about anti-D. They will only be for awhile. That is the way that I am looking at my Anti-D. Only for awhile, while I get my life back together.

It is tough, being a stay at home mom, with everything, and a life that felt secure. You and Jethro elected to have you staay at home and take care of son. That was a mutual decision. Now that you are going to be a single mom, that decision has caused a great burden on the single mom. I was a stay at home mom since 1990 with 4 kids. I am unable to work, yet. And the decision for me to take care of the kids, was a mistake. But who pays for it, we do. The moms that stayed at home, the moms that took care of the home, the finances, provided a clean home, laundry, took the children everywhere. Kept a schedule going, and kept the family afloat with all activities. This is what we get in return, to fight or die.

You have the fight in you, but you need some extra help. Government help, anti-D, and time for yourself to think.

Judges are not looking at the whole picture. Judges are only getting a smidgen of the history. The system is not fair, so therefore we have to fight now for ourselves. Divorce is so ugly, and unfair. The whole family is hurt, and life seems to cater to the wayward spouse. They were the more aggressive person. That I found out in my readings. Those that left as the wayward spouse, were more aggressive than their partners.

Hold on, and don't be so tough on yourself. You are a good woman, a loving mother, and a great person. God loves you, and he sees all that has happened in your life. I will put you in prayer at church. Good Bless you.

<small>[ June 08, 2003, 10:06 AM: Message edited by: Faith4me ]</small>