Hi Newly,

I think the idea of starting a parenting journal is great. Thanx for the tip. My husband has gone long periods of time without contacting his daughters, then suddenly calls out of the blue. Plus sometimes he says some really cold things, like the time he said he was "over" them - after being away from home for only one week! He ran into a friend in a restaurant and started complaining to her that he never hears from the kids. She asked why he didn't call them. He said he expected the kids to reach out to him first - so immature. The kids got him presents and cards for his birthday last year and spent a day with him to celebrate (not on his actual burthday because they were in a skating show that day). He lied and said they had done nothing for his birthday! He actually listed that lie as one of his reasons for filing for divorce, as supposed evidence of 'cruelty' committed against him. (So this year they sent him a card and that's it.)

Bangarra,
My youngest daughter is 11 and sometimes has the same indifferent attitude as your daughter. She's even been really angry at times and wanted to put away anything that reminds her of her dad. Once while reading a letter from him she rolled her eyes and handed the letter over to me. I think it's understandable and even healthy for them to be a tad emotionally detached from people who give so little time and attention to them. Plus they're smarter than the wayward parent suspects. Of course my husband refuses to believe that the kids aren't tickled pink about how he's behaving. I think it's part of the guilt and denial that allows the wayward spouse to convince themselves the kids don't understand what's going on, or that they aren't bothered by it. But most of the time my 11 year old misses her Daddy. It's hard for her the way he just ignores her most of the time and then suddenly wants to see her to satisfy his emotional need or agenda du jour. (Kids do see through the motives like disney-dad, bribery, using visitation to harrass the other parent, etc.) It can't be good for her self-esteem.

newly, I too thought about Father's Day. He is probably trying to make her feel guilty, but she could care less. The only time he ever spent time with the kids was when it made him look good; he was never a father figure to them, he was the disciplinarian and they could never understand his "rule book" cause it changed daily so they were beaten down.

icedancer, after all the crap that Dippy put us through, that my D could be so non-chalant was pretty amazing. Both of the girls know what kind of a person he is, they saw it even before I did. Last birthday, he sent her a card, which she promptly shredded, and a necklace of which she gave away to her friend. I don't think they will ever manage to have a relationship again; he was never there in the first place, he was extremely abusive to them, and then he spent 3 years trying to destroy me and make us lose the house (threatening this in front of the girls), and now with his pathetic attempts of bribing and manipulation.

Lori

My ex too only spends time with the kids to make himself look good. If anything, since our divorce he actually IS being MORE of a father to these kids than he EVER has! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

newly: some men will NEVER put their kids before themselves. There is nothing we can do to change that, but we can show our kids that WE will put them first. My ex was court ordered to attend anger managmeent class, three years ago! To date, it hasn't happened because "no one can tell ME what I have to do!"

It's a hard go when you have to share parenting with a person who really doesn't want to be a parent, but for the sake of *looking good* will feebly make minimal efforts to parent. I've had to teach the youngest one who to call in an emergency (make arrangements with the local doc after her thumb was broken and the ex made no efforts to get her help), bought phone cards for the kids so they could use a payphone, packed tylenol and instructed them how to use it when they felt lousy, had them put snackable foods in their overnight bags in case he didn't *feed* them...and the list goes on. As for the Disney dad syndrome -- it wears off and money becomes more important for the ex's toys than for the kids. When the kids finally figure out that it's all about manipulation and control, that's when it ends -- and it does happen.

icedancer: you mentioned something about it (dad's behaviour) not being good for your daughters self-esteem. I'm on the end of this crud with one of my girls (she's 20) and I too worried about her self-esteem. She told me that she would have been a wreck had she not have had me to balance her. I was the one that kept emotions in check and was empathetic. Parenting classes for me helped immensely as did reading...reading ... reading (Reviving Ophelia -- excellent read for parents with girls!) Your daughter has YOU, and by your posts, she's got a mom who cares and loves her very much -- and is reaching out in every direction to find out what *else* she can do to help her daughter get through this awful time.

Bangerra: I can hear your frustration through your posts. I DID lose the house, the vehicles, the contents, everything. My ex is bent on destroying me through continual court hearings etc. I don't think I could be any lower financially. I am seriously thinking of declaring bankruptcy...but that's another story! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> My oldest neice told me something one day that totally changed my outlook towards my ex. (Her parents are also divorced). Her mom wouldn't say anything about the ex, or maybe make a subtle comment. When the ex would write letters or finally make a call, she would do the same as you, shake her head or not say a word. My neice said, "You know auntie, anytime she did that, I felt that he wasn't important, and that he didn't matter. I understood they were divorced, and some of the things he did were bad.. it wasn't that I didn't agree, it's just that I'm HALF of him, and HALF of Mom. If he's so bad, then maybe half of me is bad too." I realized that although my ex is a jerk, and yes abusive at times, I have to do my best to keep my kids safe. There are times though that I can't protect them from him <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> and the only thing I can do is validate their feelings, get them in counselling,lead by example and teach them from right and wrong. It's the damn hardest thing I've had to do in my life, but it IS paying off. I never thought I would see the day where they would make these incredibly wise decisions on their own regardless of how manipulative or abusive their father was.

After the divorce my daughter is down to getting phone calls, I am glad that my girls are older, the youngest is 16, but he called her today, her statement, that was the shortest phone call she ever got from him. I suspect he was looking for a Father's Day invitation, he must need to impress someone again, last time the someone's 14yr old son told my daughter about her Dad tying up his Mom to a chair and gagging her to make her behave! Sometimes it is really hard not to shake my head! But I count my blessings daily! Both my daughters talk to me whenever they want and about anything they want and I talk to them about anything except Dad.

Elan,

You are right in the fact that we need to realize that the kids do sometimes feel that their "half" of dad might make them a bad person too. I try to not say derogatory things about Dippy in front of her, but if I slip, I apologize and she just tells me that it is alright, everyone knows what a jerk he is. When they really start ragging on him, I remind them that he is their father. My girls lived 8 plus years under his NPD thumb; there is no love there at all, and they dislike everything about the man. They caught on to his lies and manipulative behavior years ago, and were the first to be absolutely thrilled that he was gone and out of the house.

Lori