Is anyone else happy about their divorce/split?
I keep feeling bad because I feel good... Is this normal?

Heather

I'd give anything if I could say the same, so in that respect I envy you. But no I am not happy and miss my WS very much. If I may, are you the one who wanted the divorce to begin with?

Susan

For the most part, I feel fantastic about the split between my H and I. It was an abusive relationship, and it's great to have "me" back again. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

However, I do have my down days too. What I find myself missing though, is not what I did have in my M, but what I SHOULD have had, and deserve in a M.

In my case, this time I'm the one who left, and I'm the one who filed for D. I think that makes a huge difference in the healing t-t-a.

Karen

I feel both---happy and sad. I really think Topie said it so well. I MISS and am sad when I remember the times we had that were connected and family oriented. I miss what we could have had cause we had all the resources to make it good. I do truly miss my H but I do not miss the isolation that happens in an alcoholic home, or the lying, or the secrets, or the indifference to our M that my H exhibited. I miss my H but not his behavior.

I really enjoy the things that I am doing now that are so enriching and that are bringing me so much enjoyment. My life is so easy right now and I do not have to "take care" of anyone but me.

I left cause I would have died if I was subject any longer to the OW fever that would not break. I do not regret leaving cause I know it was the healthiest thing I ever did. It was the only decision that I could make. My WS was ambivalent to me and a conflict avoider so someone had to make a decision.

This has been the saddest thing I ever have experienced but the most freeing. The grief is overwhelming at times but it has gotten less as healing takes place.

TW

Yes, I am the one who wanted out. I too was in an abusive relationship that took me 6 years to see. Now that my eyes are open, I feel so free.

I am "me" again... and I am happy to walk in the door after work now. It is me and my daughter and I am doing good. It has been a month and I havent cried once. Im not being put down, not being controlled, or yelled at.. It feels so good.

I tried to make it work and I just realized that things with him are the way they are. I asked him to treat me better and with some respect and I got told "this is who i am .. love it or leave it..." So I left. Well.. he is the one who move out. He comes tomorrow to get his stuff and I am going to make sure I am not here to watch it.
He has asked me if we can give it a chance, but i told him we have given it too many chances already and I dont want him holding me down anymore...

How can you get anywhere in life with such a weight holding you back? You cant... and I am not doing it anymore.

I do feel bad for him bc he is a very lonely person. He had no friends, no family here.. he is military and they work him like a dog... He basically has no life without me.
But I DO have a life that I want to live and i can do it without him in it.

Finally feeling like ME again...
Heather

I miss my family being together (kids).........but I DO NOT miss her. She actually did me a favor and I didnt realize it till I was forced to leave. We were never on the same page and it is clear as day now.

I can't say I'm ecstatically happy about it, especially as the divorce drags on, an on... but I relate to what many others have said. I am happier than I've been in a long time.

I agree with Topie: </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">What I find myself missing though, is not what I did have in my M, but what I SHOULD have had, and deserve in a M.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I miss the closeness and enjoyment I was always waiting for once the kids got older, once we moved, once the house was built, once things settled down at work (we own a business together), etc.

I also agree with tossedwave: </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This has been the saddest thing I ever have experienced but the most freeing. The grief is overwhelming at times but it has gotten less as healing takes place.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It took me about a year of complete NC before I felt strong enough to deal with divorcing my WH.

And I relate to StayStrong: </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I tried to make it work and I just realized that things with him are the way they are... Finally feeling like ME again...</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">AMEN

I'm truly sorry Heather. Last week or so you had written that he had moved out and you were close to asking him to move back.

What happend to make this decision to give up on him? The fact that he gave you no other option other than "that's me, take it or leave it?"

I'm sorry, but if he is not willing to admit that he has a problem or work on it, there is not much you can do to make it work <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Gregg

Thank you Gregg... I was going to ask him home, but it was for all the wrong reasons. It is too hard for me to see my daughter cry everynight because her Daddy is gone. But I keep telling her that she can call him and go visit anytime she wants to.

He emailed me yesterday and said alot of things I have been wanting to hear for years. He admitted he is abusive, that he is too controlling, he was unfaithful, and he is the one who ruined our marriage.

All I wanted was for him to be a man and see what he has done to me and my self esteem. He told me he is proud that I am standing up for myself finally and not just being a quiet little wife. He also said that he has learned alot and wants to be a better man.
I might consider taking him back but I will have to see the changes first. I will NEVER feel like he made me feel ever again. So if he comes back into this house and my arms.. it will be under my terms.. not his.
I am not used to being in controll of a situation... feels pretty damn good right now.

As of now... I am out... done.. stick a fork in me...!!! But people CAN change... only if they WANT to. So we will see what he does...

Until then...
StayStrong
Heather <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Hi Heather,

Sorry it is so hard. Have you told him he needs to start seeing a counselor or a regular basis. I don't blame you for not taking him back. I would not expect the same of my wife.

I told my wife about a week ago that I admitted that I had problems with manipulating and controlling her (she grew up with a mother that manipulated and controlled her, so that probably effected her even more whenever I behaved this way.)

I would definitely say that he needs to show you that he has changed by his actions (have you specifically told him what you want him to do? I.E. he needs to make an appointment next week to see a counselor, and this needs to continue once a week every week, and he needs to show you by his actions that he is changing-throughout a particular period of time, and that you will let him know if and when you are convinced that his behavior has changed for a long enough time to be convinced that this is permanent) Yes, I think that this is a good point that this should be on your terms, at least until you can trust him again.

It sounds like I am perceived by my wife just as how you perceive your husband) as manipulative, even though no name calling of physical abuse has occurred. I think I have made her feel abused by making her feel bad about spending time with friends, not telling her what I would like of her, etc. For example, I might have said something like, I don't care if we do anything tonight, but then later make her feel that I am disappointed because we never do anything fun together, and that she should have known that I wanted to do something with her if she cared about me. (Just examples.)

Anyway, like you said, it sounds like the issues are similar (manipulation and control by the husband.) How did you feel when he sent you the email about what he has done wrong?

I don't know if I should even keep telling my wife that I know what I have done wrong and how to get better. I told her that I wanted to work on myself, regardless of what happens to us, because I do not want to be like this anymore. I told her that I was sorry for never taking the initiative and for not working on my problems, but this time I will do whatever it takes. It didn't seem to matter.

If I were your husband I would really respect that you need him to prove to you that he would change. But you seem still open to working on things if you see lasting results in him. My wife on the other hand says, she is not interested in putting any more effort into this marriage.

I have a hard time coming to grips with the fact that if she was somehow convinced (through my actions) that these behaviors had been eliminated, she still doesn’t think it would make a difference.

Do you feel the same way as my wife do you think, and would anything ever change your mind.

I firmly believe that any marriage can be restored, and I could never imagine giving up if I saw permanent changes happening, especially if I has a strong Christian faith, as she does.

Sorry for rambling, but I just thought I'sgive some unsolicited advice, and ask what you thought.

Gregg

I am definitely not happy about the impending split. I would do anything for her to "wake up and smell the coffee".

I am the one who filed. Under the circumstances, I had no other choice. She hasn't answered as of yet and has until 7/3 to do so.

I'd put everything on hold right now if she would just agree to counseling. Up to this point, she has never agreed to do that...

I'm happy about my split from a verbally abusive, selfish, domineering control-freak EX. Very happy. BUTT - this happiness is a two edged sword. I am saddened very much that she has brainwashed our 2 boys against me. I have attempted many times to contact them and still do. Finally my oldest - he's in Baghdad with the Marine Corps - contacted me and I was able to see him just before he left for war. It wasn't the same, and I realize that because of this divorce, that our relationship as Father and Son will only be a platonic one, as he is a child of divorce and accordingly been manipulated by his mother as well. My younger son still refuses to have anything to do with me - but I remain hopeful that somewhere down the road perhaps he'll change as well...
Just my $.02
Harold