I'm new to this board but I've spoken to Mr. Harley and love all their books so I thought I'd jump right in.
I'm in the final stages of my divorce, which my W filed about 3 months ago. She has been great through all of this, if that's possible. What I mean is I've been trying to make her change her mind and I've done everything but to no avail, I mean everything.
We have to little children, a 4 year-old girl, and a 19 month-old boy, which are the greatest kids on the plante by the way. But there is something about her that tells me we can have a future together. She said she doesn't want to date anybody and there absolutley isn't another man involved. I'm 100% sure. We can still hang out sometimes, with the kids that is, but she's never mean or nasty to me. We can laugh about stuff from time to time which seems a little weird if we're splitting up our lives? I think she just wants to end our old 5 year marriage, which is fine I agree but I need a crack at her down the road. She has not guranteed me anything but she said she will not stop it from happening. What should I do? She is a very special person, more special than anybody I've ever meet, hence that's why I married her. I feel that this whole mess is my fault, b/c I took her and my marriage for granted for years.
So, the million dollar question is do people re-marry their Ex spouses? I know of a few cases but not many. If she really wasn't so special I wouldn't think so but something is different here. This isn't a nasty divorce or anything, I think like most of them are. If somebody could help me that would be great.
Also, how can I stop this unbearable pain? Somedays, most days, I don't even feel like moving forward, but I have to for my kids. The pain iside of me is overwhelming....very overwhelming.
Thanks

Anything is possible......but, who knows??? Your STBX may realise she made a mistake by breaking up the family and want to remarry. She may also meet someone else and move on, or she may just decide to date for the next 30yrs. Who Knows??.....but, it IS possible to remarry. My wife's brother remarried the same woman after being divorced for a year. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Hi Mawals.

While it is certainly possible, I wouldn't count on it. I sometimes think of the same thing if I get a D, but am not holding my breathe.

I think it's important to demonstrate to the other person you can go on with your life and better yourself. If you stay clingy that tends to push people away. I know this is what my WW wants me to show her. If you don't end up changing yourself for the better, there is no reason for them to come back to the same situation and person they felt compelled to leave.

Best of luck!

mawals,

You've gotten two basically similar answers, but I wanted to give you something else to think about.....

You say you have small children, one is only 19 months old. WHY on earth does your W want a divorce now? Something is triggering this, if it is not infidelity. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Could it be post-partum blues? I know next to nothing about that, so I don't really know if I'm even in the right ball park!! Have you and she talked to a Dr? Is she open to talking to a MC (marriage counselor)?

I know you said you "took her for granted...." I understand that. Just about the same deal in my M. SUX <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

But here's my point: Are you Plan A'ing her? If you do not know what Plan A IS, please go to the Plan A/Plan B forum and try to learn about them. If you feel that you now can see you were taking her for granted, then she felt that way too! Maybe 100-fold worse than you do about that. It's possible that if you can show her changes, genuine changes in your attitude towards her and your M, then she would reconsider.

In the meantime, of course it couldn't hurt to learn new ways of relating, since these will only serve to make you a better person/potential partner for whoever, down the line.

For your sake, for your children's sake, and for your W's sake, I hope she decides to give you another chance!! Your children will be better off with their two biological parents raising them all their lives, instead of splitting themselves between two homes.

But, as Eduard has said, don't beg, be clingy or crying, begging. It's extremely unattractive to the Walk-away-spouse.

Keep posting, keep reading, and we'll all try to come up with a solution for you both!

God Bless,

Mawals,

YES!! It is so very possible! You will have to guard your heart during this time. Don't guard it from love, but guard it from ill advice you might receive. Everyone will give you different advice, and you need to seek out what God is telling you.

I speak from experience. My husband and I are divorced, and I've discovered that most people give the typical "move on" or "it's unlikely". I ask, "WHY????" I serve a MIGHTY, POWERFUL God who can do all things. If he can raise a dead man, he can raise a dead marriage!

There is so much I could and would like to say, but I encourage you to love your wife and fight this battle with prayer. You will be assaulted by fears, doubts, worries, sorrows, and like I said, bad advice, even from well-meaning people. You need to be in the Word and in prayer.

Please check out these two sites. They are awesome. www.restorem.org. Read the testimonies of restored marriages and read the testimony of the couple who run the site (Erin and Dan) and you will be "blown away" by what God can do to even the most dead marriage. Also, check out www.rejoiceministries.org and sign up for the daily devotional (Charlyne Cares). It will give you the encouragement you need each day. God will speak to you through it. Both these couples divorced-- the men both committed adultery and said things like "We will NEVER be together again" and now they have marriage reconciliation ministries. There is also a cool book out called "Stained Glass Marriage." Same thing- the couple divorced and then reconciled. There are also some great testionies at www.familylife.com. You can do a search on "divorce." I can't remember the names of the stories but there are some restored marriages there!

So, YES, it is possible and I offer you encouragement to hang in there, no matter how long it takes. If you and your wife reconcile, it will be worth the pain you are going through now. God can teach you so much during this time as well and you can use it to grow and change and become more the man He desires you to be.

God bless you! Please check those sites out and be careful what advice you listen to. You are doing the right thing! And those two sites I mentioned will give you wise Biblical advice on how to "win" your wife back.

Oh, another good book is by Gary Smalley called "How to Win Your Wife Back Before It's too Late." (something like that).

It is NEVER too late for anyone. Not with God!

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

P.S. you can get a prayer partner at www.restorem.org.

P.S.S. I am "standing" in faith for the restoration of my marriage. And if you go to those two sites you will find there are MANY people also standing for their marriages, and there are many that have reconciled. Yay!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I too am standing in faith that my marriage will be restored.

I just started a new thread today, any comments would be welcome.

I feel my exH and I are making a bit of progress, however slow it is.

God bless,
Hopeful _Person

That's awesome HopefulPerson. I will check out your post! Believe! God is a great, Almighty God who still does miracles! Nothing is too great for Him and NO man (no lawyer, no divorce decree, no nothing) can keep Him from working in our lives and on our behalfs!

Remember this: the enemy is not your spouse. The enemy is Satan who has decieved your spouse.

We fight not a battle of flesh-and-blood but a spiritual battle in which we must wage war (for our marriages) using weapons of prayer, faith, salvation, the Word.

God bless!!

Thanks, Lovemyex.

I said to my exH about 10 months ago that I felt that Satan was happy now, laughing at us, glad we'd failed at marriage.

The other week I also said to him that I never knew evil existed as strong as it did, personally , until I succombed to an affair. He didn't scoff at me (exH) but seemed to listen to what I was saying.

Thanks for your well wishes and prayers.
H_P

Hopeful, I remember saying that to my husband too... that Satan "won." Isn't it an awful thought? But you know what? Satan has not won because you and I are remaining faithful and will continue to remain faithful to our husbands. And I pray that Satan will be defeated in our marriages and that you and I will one day share our testimonies of restored marriages to bring honor and glory to God! May it be!

Mawals, here is an awesome testimony from www.restorem.org.

The Testimony of How God Restored Our Marriage"

We would like to share the testimony of the restoration of our marriage since the Bible says in Revelation 12:10-11, "Now the salvation, and the power, and the kingdom of our God and the authority of His Christ have come, for the accuser of our brethren has been thrown down, who accuses them before our God day and night. And they overcame him because of the blood of the Lamb and because of the word of their testimony, and they did not love their life even to death."

Our marriage was dead but by His shed blood it was made alive. It is our hope and prayer that our testimony will help you or someone you know to overcome the evil one. We give God all the glory for what He has done in our lives.

In January of 1989, I left Erin for another woman. However, the Lord gave Erin the heart and endurance to stand for our marriage. It was during this fiery trial that Erin became a new woman. She studied the Bible concerning marriage and began to apply the principles in her life. Like the three youths who were thrown into the fiery furnace, Erin too became "loosed" of things in her life that had her "bound." She also found herself walking with another, her precious Lord. (See Daniel 3:25.)

Everyone, even the most respected pastors in our city, told Erin that it was hopeless to fight against my desire to leave her and be with another woman. But Erin found in God's Word that "nothing is impossible with God!" (Luke 1:37) It was during this time that she founded Restore Ministries to help those who also wanted their marriages restored. She began by sharing with each of them the Scriptures the Lord had shown her. Soon there were too many women to help individually, so she began to type out the Bible references. Some of the women who came had never held a Bible in their hands, so Erin began to type out entire verses and then make copies to minister to the these hurting and abandoned women.

However, the more she helped other women, the worse her situation became. The fiery furnace was turned up when I divorced Erin in October of 1990. However, the Lord gave Erin the peace she needed to not fight or contest the divorce, but to trust in her Lord. Undaunted, Erin continued to minister to other women by sharing the Word of God. She told the Lord that if He would restore her marriage to the man she loved, me, she would devote her life to helping women in marriage crises. That's when Erin put together a workbook for women - A Wise Woman Builds Her House: By A FOOL Who Tore Hers Down with Her Own Hands.

Our marriage was miraculously restored due, in part, to Erin's obedience to not obtain an attorney. God delivered me when it was discovered that even though the judge had granted the divorce on October 30, the papers that had been filed by my attorney were in error and the divorce had to be overturned. This, to me, was the first sign from God that He would "somehow" deliver me from the cords that had me bound to the adulteress.

Had Erin had an attorney, the divorce would not have been overturned. However, I was unaware that Erin had dreamt of a big wedding from the day the Lord told her that the divorce would go through until the day of God's mighty deliverance (7 weeks and one day after the judge granted the divorce)!

Erin, who had "hoped against all hope" (Rom. 4:18), received her miracle on January 29, 1991 at 11:10 p.m. when I returned home to her and our four children. This was after adultery, and after divorce, just over two years after I had left her.

P.S. They now have seven children and a ministry in which Dan, the husband, is actively involved!! Which would have been better? For Erin to have "moved on" and remarried another man giving her kids a stepfather and stopping any possibility for reconciliation, or for her to wait and then they remarry and have this awesome ministry which God uses to heal other marriages! Look what God can do when we are willing to trust Him, seek Him, obey Him, and wait upon Him. I pray He will do this in your marriage!

LoveMyEx, thanks so much for the great words. You actual brought a tear to my eye while I'm at work.
I do love my wife more than anything. I think she filed b/c we had fights years ago and it just caught up with her. We tried counseling a year ago but she didn't get 100% to resolve our issues, she only gave 20% or so and that's why we are here. I think we just went to a bad marriage counselor.
I do believe in her. She is very special. I do respect the fact that she filed but she needs to respect the fact that I'm a different person, inside and outside. I do belive in God and that my new approach to life and our marriage will take us to places we've never been. It's the only thing I can belive in. If I give up, I"m really in trouble.
I just want to be a big happy family again and I know in my heart we can do it. She wants the same thing but just not at this time. I think she filed and she can't go back, b/c she's already told everybody and she would never back down.
She fell out of love with the "old" me but she needs to see the "new" me and she'll fall in love again. I truly am a different person. I see everything differently.
LoveMyEx, if you could give me your personal email address or something I would love to speak with you. You sound very posititive and very Christian, which is what I need. I'm tired of people telling me we can't get back together. I understand that the odds are stacked against us but with two tiny kids and me being an absolute different and better person why can't we make it?
Thanks for all the great and encouring words....I really need it. This website is great and for those of you that reply thanks for the time. This is an extremely difficutl time in my life. The pain is almost unbearable. It hurts so much and if I give up hope I'll wilt away and die. So, thanks for the support.

Mawals,

You are so very welcome!! I am so thrilled that God can use me and use what I have learned to help others like yourself!

I often will read a testimony, etc. and also get very choked up. To me, that is because of what God has laid upon my heart, just as it seems He has done with you. Keep that softened heart because in a time like this, Satan will tempt and deceive you and it will seem that hardening your heart would make the pain more bearable. What I mean is, it is so easy to just say "Forget it" etc... and to kinda harden oneself because the pain is so severe to love a spouse that has rejected you and to hold on to a hope that seems at times, more like just wishful thinking. But remember, your hope is not a wish because it is grounded in Christ!

You know, in my marriage, I was so big on counseling. I thought that a counselor was the solution to everything. In hindsight, I think that going to a counselor was detrimental and I have since decided that before ever going to any counselor, I will first seek the Lord earnestly... then if I think I still need it, I will perhaps go to a really godly one. But, counselors can still give bad advice and also, God's will is going to be revealed to YOU as you seek him, not to any other person (most likely). A counselor might suggest what seems best but that advice might not be God's will. So I am not surprised to hear you say you had a "bad counselor."

That is not to say that all counselors are bad. I try to read books actually... mostly be men and women who have reputations of being grounded in the Word and godly people... esp. pastors.

You know, I'm sorry if I repeat myself at all. I have posted alot these past few days and I can't remember all I said where. But I want to share with you (maybe I already did??) that there is definitely a spiritual battle and always remember that and remember that your wife is not the enemy... Satan is the enemy. He has deceived your wife into thinking that there is no hope for your marriage; thus, the divorce. Pray for your wife. Pray that God will open her eyes and that he will work in her heart and life. Cover your own self in prayer and in the Word because Satan is like a "roaring lion seeking whom he may devour." If you can picture a ROARING lion.. well, that's one mean vicious picture. That is who is out to destroy you, your wife, and your marriage. You need the Lord more than ever before and you will not be successful in this fight without Him, so I just can't encourage you enough to seek Him and ask Him to help you. As you read His Word, He will speak to you adn show you how you ought to be... how to handle this. He will comfort you through His Word and He will give you the wisdom you need.

I guess I should not assume you are a Christian? Do you have a Bible? If you do not, I can send you one.

You know, you said, "I think she filed and she can't go back, b/c she's already told everybody and she would never back down." That is probably very, very true. That is exactly how it was with my husband. That is why I think divorce is soooo awful too! Divorce used to be alot harder to get and people would change their minds, but now it's so easy and so fast, that people don't even have time to change their minds. That is so sad. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> My husband called one day to stop the divorce and that very afternoon, he received the papers sayign we were divorced. And, like your wife, he saw it as too late. It wasn't until a few mos. later that God began to show me that it is never too late. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Yes, I can give you my email address. I would love to pray for you and encourage you all I can.

Again, I am sooooo glad that my words brought you encouragement becaue I am very glad that God found fit to use me in that way. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> The Bible says we are to comfort others with the comfort we have received. If I had not gone through what I have gone through, I would not be able to comfort you, so God has brought good out of it. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> And someday, you also will be able to encourage others and share with them what God is going to teach you through this.

You said, "Why can't we make it?" You keep asking that because the answer is: you can make it. It may take time, and it prob. won't be easy. I have been tempted to give up many, many times and I have wept countless tears and spent many nights alone wondering if I am nuts for holding on. But... I still hold on and hope and pray and believe because God has not shown me to do anything else. Someday, it will all be worth it.

I will come back tomorrow, and give you my email then if that is okay. Before I do though, I want you to please go to these two sites: www.restorem.org and www.rejoiceministries.org.

At the first site, I want you to go read these places: "About Us," "What We Believe," "Where Do I Begin," "At Last Hope," "Restored Marriages," and then go to "Add A Prayer Request and fill out that form and then I want you to see all the many couples names in there who, like you, one of them is praying for reconciliation and you are NOT alone! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> -- you have to click on a small blue link at the bottom that says something like "read the requests", after you submit your prayer request-- (All of those headings are over on the left side of the web page and you just double click them to read them).

Then, at the other site, click on "view our web page" over on the left. Then click on "Charlyne Cares" and sign up for the devotional, and then on the right, click on these tabs and read: "A Word About," "For You," and "Restored Marriages." Also, down at the bottom, there are a bunch of blue links. Read the one that says "Open Letter to Pastors."

These two couples are literally anointed of God! They are so steadfast in their devotion to him and to each other, and they speak truth when no one wants to hear it. When I got the book from one of the ministries, it was like reading the Bible because she used sooooooo much Scripture! God really spoke to me through it.

So please go read those things because I think you will find that it is not just some fluke that you feel the way you do about your marriage.

I better get going! God bless and I will start praying for you and your wife.

You hang in there and seek the Lord and keep pressing on, k?

Mawals, how are you doing? I am checking up on you. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

One minute I'm fine and the next I'm done. I really had hope but it seems like she keeps saying NO NO NO. I'm about ready to give up on all my hopes and dreams. Why isn't God answering my prayers? I'm really trying hard to have him change her heart. I know He can do it. I have 2 little kids that need their Mom everyday not every few days. It's hard to believe when I'm ready to change anything and everything to better my wife and kids. Luckily there isn't another man so that helps. I asked her again last night and she swears on a stack of bible's and her Dad's grave there isn't another man. She absolutely has no desire to get into a relationship with anybody for a long time. I do belive. When is God going to answer my prayers?
I did go to the rejoice/marriage restoration web sites and I ordered a bunch of material but I don't feel like reading it. I did but after our fight the other night I feel like there is no hope. It hurts to much inside. Sometimes I feel like I can't go on. I'm only hanging on b/c of my 2 great and wonderful children.
Thanks for keeping me in your prayers.