Hello everyone,

My Stbxh had an A that resulted in OC (girl) he never told me about the OC and he had a secret life for 2 1/2 years. He was seeing his OC on Sundays when he told me he was fishing and Wednesday night for that is my night bowling with the girls. This when on from the very beginning of her birth, I don't have a lot of answers to what when on because he leaves a lot out.

He says that he and this OW stopped the relationship before she found out she was pregnant. He feels he needs to be in his OC life and can't not have NC. Which I would have preferred in the beginning so I could breathe again but he had already bonded with her and I was left out of all the decision making.

Actually lets back up when I found out he told me he would stop seeing her because he loved me and wanted to work on us first and when I got healthy we would discuss it again. So for 5 months I was seeing a therapist was put on anti-depressants and stbxh was doing all the right things but I receive the new cell phone bill and you guessed it he was calling this ow 5 times a day sometimes.

I find out that the ow is not very healthy and is on SSI and was drug dependent (or still is who knows) and is not taking care of the child like she should so stbhx feels he needs to step up to the plate. All well and good what can I say to that, not much he has to do what he has to do. But I can't live with all the deceit so we are getting a divorce.

He lives with his sister and the OC has been introduces to the family and goes and visits all the time. I can understand that and don't fault them for loving a child but none of them have contacted my boys or me. It's like we don't excist, I see no winner in this. I know it's uncomfortable for them but I hate the way they are handling all of this.

My sons are very angry with their father and one has a little to do with his father and the other one won't even talk to him. I try so hard to tell them to have a relationship with him but I hope in time this will happen. Like my older son said "I'm not saying I'll never talk to him again but I will never respect him". Breaks my heart!!

So yes, he is doing the right thing for his daughter and he should be praise, I guess but at what cost. So she gains a father and my boys lose one. I am so devesated by all of this and so isn't everyone involved. We were very happy and he said he never not loved me and he wishes he could change things but he can't. So....

This happened almost one year ago and I am trying to move on and I go to therapy still and go to a support group and I'm surrounded by good friends and family. Still very sad and I cry but not as often I must move on. In saying that....

Yesterday I decided to take my dog for a walk in the park, we have to drive there but not far. I brought my headphone so I could listen to the football game. We start our walk and I look up and right in front of me is my stbxh and his OC, my legs were like rubber and my stbxh had to help hold me up. I couldn't believe this was happening and there was no place to run. So I have to see him be a father to his OC, I cry as I write this, I am heartbroken.

Why would this happen I am so angry because I have been doing so well and I have to run into him and his OC. I wasn't ready for this and I prayed to GOD to please let me be in a good place when this happens. I'm not so I want to scream, it's like some one has a voodoo doll and wants me to suffer. How much do I have to take? I see him love her and her love him, Why don't they just stick the knive in deeper and get it over with, I can't take this any more.

I know this is long I apoligize but why would GOD bless him with a beautiful child when he was the a**hole and leave me to suffer. I don't understand I did nothing wrong so why does he have someone to love him and he back to her. I have to grown boys but their grown I'm all by myself, I have that stupid empty nest thing going on. All I see is her hugging his neck and being afraid of me. I know every 2 1/2 year old does this but it HURTS so bad to not be her mother.

I could never take him back but the pain is indescribable and I wish it would just end. Life just is not fair!!

Thanks for listening!

LJ

LJ - I just wanted to say - that I understand the pain - truly I do --- I don't even know what to say - I want to say what everyone says to me - let it go - there is nothing you can do you are divorced - it doesn't matter anymore - but I know that it matters - it matters to you - and your feelings matter.... Truly they do... I think that it just takes time... I mean you were betrayed and like you say and probably feel he is happy with this child and it cuts you to the core - even though you know that it isn't the childs fault - it still hurts... I don't think that we ever truly forgive or forget - but someone so we can live a happy life - we need to accept - I know that is so much easier said than done - but at sometime it has to happen... I truly don't think that anyone can know the depth of the pain a person has when they are betrayed unless they experience it first hand - and to put it bluntly it bites... As for your kids as much as they are hurting and you want to fix things - you can't do it - they have to do it with their father and again that will take time - but it isn't your responsibility they are grown and they can make their own decisions - you just have to be strong and be there for them.. Everyone tells me that someday I will be happy again - and I truly hope that we all will be.... Life may suck now - but it isn't going to suck forever - You have the power to make yourself happy and when you are ready - you will be able to do it - You have to grieve and move on... It is the hardest thing - I know and how to do it I have no idea - but truly it does get easier with time.... Hang in there...

Lj, You will be blessed.

Blessed are the poor in spirit; for theirs is the kingdom of heaven
Blessed are the meek; for they shall possess the land
Blessed are they who mourn; for they shall be comforted
Blessed are they that hunger and thirst after justice; for they shall have their fill
Blessed are the merciful; for they shall obtain mercy
Blessed are the clean of heart; for they shall see God
Blessed are the peacemakers; for they shall be called the children of God
Blessed are they that suffer persecution for justice’s sake; for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

Let’s see. From your post yesterday, you qualify as poor in spirit, mourning, hungering for justice, merciful, clean of heart, and peacemaker. Therefore, you are promised the kingdom of heaven, comfort, justice, mercy, to see God and be called one of His children.

And even if you don’t take the Bible literally, the Universal Truth is in these beatitudes. You will be blessed, and your children blessed.

Dear lj1122,

Just had a few minutes and saw your post. I do know your feelings...and they are so hard to work through.

I think it does just take time....realize that you are not the cause of this mess...you are still a special person. Try not to focus so much on him and the OC. Look at the beauty in your life and keep plodding on.

It is so very hard...I have days when I feel so abandoned also. But, life will turn around for you...we can't change what has happened in our lives...but we can move on with hope and an enthusiasm for the beauty in life. Take Care, Pat

Lj1122 - How are you doing???? Are you feeling any better about things???

Thanks for asking.

Yes, I'm doing better and I have just have to learn to detach myself from his life. The more I know the worst I feel about what is happening. It's best that I remove myself from the situation.

This weekend is his family's wedding (niece) and I am picking son up at college on Friday so he can attend on Saturday night. First time he has seen family since separation and other son will not attend the wedding. I am going to make sure I leave the house when he is getting ready just so I don't get upset.

I am running a Half Marathon the next day (13.1) so I want to get a good night sleep and not get myself upset. I am proud of older son and he is going because of my encouragment. He has talked to his father and I'm glad that they are at least communicating. It will be differcult for him but he is still going and I think that's great. I just hope he watches his alcohol consumption and doesn't let it get out of control.

I have to learn to detach myself and live for me. Very hard to do when you never put yourself first. I'm learning and when I have good days I just enjoy them because I know how precious they are. I will make it!!!

I am glad you are feeling better - and really truly you sound wonderful - <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> - it is wierd how we just have those days that we are overtaken by feelings of despair and anger and hurt all mixed into one... I am glad that one of your sons is going to the family wedding - that is a step forward for him - It is all so very hard and quite a long road we take to move on - Each of us has our own journey with unfortunately a different time table for everyone - I for one wish that I was one of those people who just said - Ok you don't want me - time to move on - But no such luck... And by the good luck in your 1/2 marathon - good for you - You go girl..... Stay happy and focused on the future...

You are doing great. It is hard. I am going to file for divoce today. I am on a rollercoaster because of it. It just makes my stomache ache and my blood pressure go up, but it has to be done. He told me he wouldn't decide, so I had to after 4 yrs of it. All I can say it just breathe and take it one day at a time. Do not open Pandora's box, you always know what is already inside of it and if you open it, there will only be heartache. That is for finding things. I read her love letters to him this weekend. Big mistake. Oh well I am bouncing back. But you can do it. It will take a while but you can and you will find yourself. On the weekend I finished the filing papers, I also got a small business going for myself and it took off!! That was a big booster.