Here I go again... Amazing how I always end up back here every year or so.

Twice before, wife has moved out and taken everything... Was really hoping the birth of our son was going to change things. It did... she wants (wanted) to stay in the house this time. Since I wouldn't move out, she filed an ex parte against me and made allegations of abuse against me towards our then 6-month old son... after 20 hours in jail, no charges, and a $2500 retainer -- I filed for divorce. How do you divorce someone you love???? Why love someone who treats you this poorly? That may be a better question...

SO, here I am almost 2 months into this... haven't gotten to see my son, wife is now abandoning the house (which I am not allowed to enter), and yet in the back of my mind... I have hope. Hope that our dreams may still come true... I haven't come to grips with that yet, not all the time anyway, of what "today's" reality actually is...

So many issues involved... and don't know where to begin...

A vasectomy three or four years ago... a baby last year. Secret bank accounts. A pattern of alleged abuse i/o to keep the childrens's fathers away from them. (3x now)... Ever feel like a sucker??

I don't know that this is going anywhere, but hope to have some response...

Let me see if I understand your post. Your wife has abandoned you twice, had a baby in which you are not the biological father, kicked you out of your home by filling false allegations of abuse against the child and you still have dreams of living happily ever after with this woman. IMO you need a good psychiatrist to find out why you would want to stay married to this kind of woman.

yosh,
I'm sure if you knew of my situation, i'm sure i would also be informed to go to the psychiatrist.

I made the choice to love my wife, and to stick by her, ,,,thru sickness and in health, for better for worse,,,til death do us part.

Would it make more sense to give up, close my eyes and walk away? Well i'm sure to some this may be so,,, to me, i made the choice to continue to "STAND"

www.rejoiceministries.org

<small>[ November 07, 2003, 07:17 PM: Message edited by: Stephan ]</small>

the POSSIBILITY exists that I am not the father. i wish to reserve judgement until the DNA test comes back. I can do nothing to control her actions, I DO have some input on how I feel and react.

Perhaps I do need a good shrink... then again, I was in this for all the right reasons. I made a commitment, rather a covenant, to God, her and myself that I would remain faithful, loyal, truthful, hopeful, and supportive.

For me, loving someone whole heartedly has been an experience that I had not had before joining together with her. It's difficult for me to think that all of these values that I held now go by the wayside... not meaning that they aren't crucial on down the road, but knowing that I have to detach these ideas and philosophies from her. Besides, she is the woman that I desired to spend the rest of my life with.

I don't have dreams of "living happily ever after", but have dreams instilled in me that were built over time. I also have faith that even what seems impossible can happen.

I'm waiting for the fog to clear...

...and one more thing...

I am curious... when "we" say in sickness and in health, does that mental illness as well?? I struggle with that... the reason I say that is because my soon to be ex has a history of false allegations of abuse, which apparently stem from some abuse that she suffered and never dealt with. More than anything, I just wish that she would get some help and be able to resolve what ever demons she lives with. The woman behind all of that stuff is the woman I love... but then again, I can't live my life like this.

...ok, i'm ready for the shrink...

Hey, w/o a clue!

First, I like your name--very creative.

Okay, next, I would say that I'm uniquely qualified to discuss "in sickness and in health" also including mental illness. My exH has bipolar rapid cycling, anxiety disorder and borderline personality disorder. He is a very high-functioning, mentally ill man, and yes I do believe that "in sickness and in health" includes mental illness.

Here's where the issue came in for me. I had no problem being the understanding spouse of a mentally ill man. I had no problem learning all that I could about his illnesses so I that I could understand as much as I could. I had no problem saying to myself,"this is a by-product of the mental illness..." What I DI have a problem with is being the only partner willing to acknowledge that the mental illness existed and being the only partner trying to understand and work on it.

I truly and wholeheartedly believe that I made a lifetime commitment--and that includes mental illness which is really, really hard to live with. But I also felt that we had to BOTH be working on it and addressing it. For example, he was VERY, VERY resistant to going to a psychiatrist. Once he was diagnosed, he got "a pill for it" and he was cured. Period. Well, it is my understanding that that is not the way mental illnesses work--it's not like high blood pressure!

So, you may want to consider this. I do understand that you love your wife and don't want to break up your family. I do understand that you don't wish her any ill. Ideally, she would recognize that she has a problem and deal with it, right?? Well, you can't do all the work yourself. You could work your behind off buddy, and if she doesn't want to change, she won't. So consider whether she is admitting to and addressing her own issues as much as you are. If there is an imbalance, it is an indication of an unhealthy relationship--AND you can not "make" her or "trick" her into getting well. Unless she REALLY wants it, she won't do it and she won't get well.

Now, if you ponder this for a bit and you reach the conclusion that what has been going on IS unhealthy, then I would suggest you let her be responsible for herself and that you start looking at you. How did you contribute to this unhealthy dynamic? What did you do? What did you say? How did you act? If you want her to consider herself and her own issues, it's only fair for you to consider YOURSELF and work on your own issues.

For example, I was in a very unhealthy relationship. I contributed by letting him treat me abusively...by going back to him when he raged...by seeing what I HOPED to see rather than what was real...by trying to "make" him work on himself and "make" him promise me he'd change...by excusing everything as mental illness... I was a partner in this unhealthy way of relating! And I can not get him to change (he has no desire to change AT ALL)--if he's going to change he has to want it worse than he wants his lover-fix--but I CAN change me and change the way that I join in the dance, can't I?

So, why don't you tell us what you think about how you join in the unhealthy dance?


CJ

WOAC, I'm sorry to read your story. If I were you, first thing I'd do is get a Sperm Test: was your VascOperation a success? An extremely high percentage of them are - I had one done way back when (thank God!) and it's stayed the same. Didn't you wonder just a teensie weensie bit about that child?? I either would suspect an affair when she came up preggo or be asking my doc 'What's up with this Operation you did on me?'
A DNA Test might also be in order - assuming the very worst, do you want to be responsible for a child that is not yours?
Don't get me wrong, I have 2 estranged children, and despite the LIES they've been fed for 5 years, I love them dearly. I don't know how I could love a child that is not only mine, but the product of an Affair. Sorry, but that's my feelings.
I know you're hurting - I've been there myself and it sucks. Have you been to the doc for any anti-depressants? You also should be getting some legal advice as well. Just in case. Let's hope not, but just in case...
JMHO, Harold

MAXX, yes i have been retested... Results: a count of 5,000 immotile cells. From what I have read, "it is universaly accepted that the possibility for pregnancy is not likely". DNA test has been ordered... Antidepressants??? yeah, I don't think they're working any longer.

FW, i see your point... and no, she does not realize or want to look at it. taking care of me to the extent of causing harm is a tough struggle for me, yet one i know i have to do... god give me strength.

Hi WOAC, you are among friends here. Keep on coming back and posting as well as know that you have folks here praying for you in this dark time of your life!
It DOES get better - trust me! It really does.
Harold