ok havent posted a "need advice" post ina loooooong time but, once again I find myself in the same mess.
I'll give the short story here real quick...
XH is married to the OW now, and I pretty much ignore him except when he wants to "play dad" and come see the kids every 6 or 8 months. but thats not it, I have been dating a man in the army for 3 years(yes mitzi I know...when will I ever learn). and he spends every minute with me when he was not in korea or now that he is in baghdad, we talk every week and write all the time. well here is where the trouble is...I wanted to find out more about a fire fight he had said he was in and so I did a search for news on him on the internet using his name and comapny as the keyword.... and low and behold what does the internet pull up... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> but a page about his wife and 2 little girls missing him very much and hope he returns home soon(one of which is 3) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> he seen what my X's cheating did to me and knows how I feel about females who go out with married men, and I had no idea...he never once said anything to me about a wife girlfriend or kids, the only thing we talked about in reguards to kids was that he wanted to have alot and if I couldnt after dealing with recent health issues we would adopt. he has went so far as telling my son that when he gets back form baghdad we would be able to be together for good, and its going to be very hard on my son cause he thinks more of this man than he does his own father (which breaks my heart).he has lied to me my family and all my friends. now...what should I do..I have a letter I wrote telling him I know and shame on him and all that jazz,and have the print out of the photo of him with his family to add to it and telling him never to contact me again. but should I send it OR wait till he calls so I can confront him almost in person and tell him what I think of him and what he has done to me by making me the OW that I hate so much??? I have even went so far as to think about sending him a box of exlax laced cookies..but revenge is not really my cup of tea...so how do ya'll think I should handle it.

ok so it wasnt that short but ya'll get the jist of it. man does this seem familiar or what..I think for my next relationship...I'll get a cat <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

LMS,
I had delayed in responding, hoping that some of the “old timers” would have some wisdom to share with you. I know you must be devastated to learn of his deceit, and I’m so sorry this happened. I guess there is no chance of a mistake, since he's pictured with his family.
A couple of things come to mind:
Would you feel you had enough closure if you mailed him your letter with the photo? A letter would allow you to edit what you say, and make sure you cover all the bases of what you want to tell him. If so, that might work.
But there are other people who need to vent in order to have closure, and if you’re like that, then the phone call may be the better option. However, this might mean that you get side-tracked by him in what you want to say. Also, he might have some "great" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> explanation which would make it more difficult for you to turn away. I’m sure your heart is already taken by him, it seems.
Again, I'm sorry you're having to walk through this again.

<small>[ November 10, 2003, 01:26 PM: Message edited by: avondale25 ]</small>

avondale
yes the letter would be just fine for me, but the thing is he wont get it for 15 days. even if I do talk to him tonight, I am going to send it anyway, only because I'm sure the moment I tell him I know he will hang up and I cant tell him how much I cant stand him for what he has done to not only me but my friends family...AND not to even mention his poor wife and kids and thier friends and family...yes I did love him, but he lied to me, I cant and will not over look that ever again, no matter what excuse he tries to give. he is one of those men who are scum, and I just wonder how many other people he has done this to. but thank you for posting, I've been around here since my first marriage fell apart in '99 and I dont see alot of faces that I did then.

thanks
Lesa

<small>[ November 10, 2003, 04:56 PM: Message edited by: LMS ]</small>

Lesa,

You're right. Not many of the same people here. A whole bunch of new people going thru all the crap that we went thru!

Let me know how the phone call goes tonight!

Love ya,
Mitzi <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

More powerful choice:

He calls. You don't take the call. You send the NC letter. He persists in calling? You don't take the call.

The same thing we tell any other OW joining the board who wants to set things right.

ZERO contact from here on out. Go silent. Go dark. Heal with your son. He's going to have a much tougher time than you in getting through this. But by going dark, you demonstrate to your son that when you make an error in judgment in who you give your trust to, you also teach him how to move on and form better attachments in the future.

Don't give up on relationships. Just understand that everyone wants tends to try to conceal "complications" if they have less than stellar integrity.

How'd you meet this guy anyway?

P.S. persistent attempts at contact should be forwarded to his wife.

He does not deserve your breath to confront him or extend your opinion of him. He will deny, lie, etc. tell you how pathetic and miserable his marriage is... you know the lies far too well to allow someone your valuable heart energy and listening time to have someone practice their lines of the infidelity script.

<small>[ November 10, 2003, 05:13 PM: Message edited by: KaylaAndy ]</small>

KaylaAndy,

Great idea!

Mitzi <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

well he did call but it was while I was in class, left the same old lies I miss you I love you I cant wait to come home....grr the nerve. I got my letter done and I will post it here for ya to read my first draft was very crude and angry and I called him every name in the book so I sat down and wrote another one out, that I think seems more adult, but I will add the internet page I printed out to it. I dont think it has to many bad words in it sorry if it offends anyone...
I am taking out his name just so I dont have to worry about his wife comming across this and being crushed

xxxxx,

So you miss me huh? Get use to it, your gonna miss me a hell of a lot more now!!!

Thanks a lot for the honesty the past 3 years. Yes I know about your little secret. Honesty… If that is a word you are having trouble with let me explain it to you. It means you tell someone that you have told you care for the WHOLE truth no matter the effect on you. It means you don’t go behind your wife’s back and screw around cause no matter what you have to say for yourself that’s all it was to me now, yes I have told you in the past that I loved you. You killed that, and you didn’t deserve my love or anyone else’s for that matter. Maybe you should look up the meaning of complete truth, you may not have what you consider lied to your wife, but you have, deception is a lie as well and when you go home to her and those two babies, (one you had while we were “together”) and play the ever faithful father and husband. That’s all you are doing. You xxxxx xxxxxxxxx are nothing but a cheat and liar. Now if you think you are man enough…I DARE you to call my house again. I told you about it once how you best N E V E R lie to me…well you have done it. Don’t call me. Don’t write me. Don’t email me. If you do just remember in the military adultery is still a crime and I have a lot of photos of us together, all your emails and letters too!

well? any thing I should add or take out?
Lesa

p.s. KaylaAndy, well I met him in a club and we spent the evening talkin and he called me and we started going out the next weekend..from then on it was 3 years of lies.

despicable doesn't even begin to cover this, definitely no contact immediately....but even further, I would pay a personal visit to his wife, she needs to know about this, and all you have to tell. This is the worse kind of sociopath, a cunning, user.....we can lament (and rightly so) the typical affair arising out of freindships gone awry, or marriages on the rocks...but at least they make a kind of sense, and folks generally know what is going on....but this kind of cold-hearted predation is just impossible to understand.

Wait...are you absolutely sure that it is the same guy? Is there a picture of him on that site? Just wondering, as lots of people have the same names....however if it IS the same guy....whatlow-lying scum! Don't bother to contact him, he'll work out that you found out.

love and light,

Jacky

jacky,
yes there is a photo of him holding his two girls on his lap on the site, plus other stats that link more than just his nam, it has where he grew up his mother and fathers name and some other stuff...there is no mistake, trust me I must of looked 100 times at that pic and the whole site the day i found it.

<small>[ November 10, 2003, 09:18 PM: Message edited by: LMS ]</small>

I would probably do something more like.....

Dear Idgit-headed-schmuk-boy....

After you told me about the firefight, I went on the internet to do some research about it. My search using your name revealed some surprising results.

I was truly shocked to see the photos of you with your two children - one of whom was born about the time you and I began seeing each other - and articles about how much your wife and children miss you. I hoped this wasn't you, but I can see no other possibilities. (enclose a copy of the picture)

I can not believe how you lied to me and to my son for all these years. Clearly, you are not a man of honesty and integrity. Rather, you are a lying, adulterous scoundrel.

To say that I am hurt and angry would be a gross understatement. I am furious and would probably draw and quarter you with my own hands if you were here. It is your good fortune that you are in a battlefield situation rather than in the States.

In as much as adultery is still a crime for members of the US military, I want you to know that I am unwilling to have ANY further contact with you. Should you attempt to contact me by mail, phone, internet, or any other means, I will report the contact to both your wife and commanding officers. I am sure they would require some explanations for the photos of us as well as letters and e-mails you have sent.

(Signature)


Then again, I'm not hurt and angry about what he has done to me. You, Lesa, are entitled to vent all you want.

This man is a loser. You don't deserve scum like him.

Very good letter, Princess! And you're right! Lesa is such a good person and does NOT deserve someone like him!

Lesa, if I were you, I would just print out Cinderella's letter and sign it and send it!!

Mitzi <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Lesa, Wow, what a shocker! You must be devastated, and even more since he's hurt your son as well as you. I like cinderella's letter, too. It's a little less emotional than yours, and I'm afraid the emotion will only encourage him to call with attempts at explanations, which you definitely don't need. I am so sorry this happenned to you on top of the initial betrayal, but I think no contact will be the quickest route to healing for you and your son. Good luck.

Lesa,
I agree, the letter that Cinderella posted, while it's hers and not yours, seems to get an actual point across instead of being just a vent. Your letter, with the phrase "dare you to call me" almost asks for another contact from him. Could you take her letter and make it yours?

I think the suggestions about telling his wife (especially if he contacts you again) is good. You know how it feels to be the BS. And if he has done this behavior with you, he could continue with someone else after you're out of the picture.

I'm glad to see some of the old timers posting for you. Do you have friends and family around you that can support you through this?

Cinderella,
Thanks for the idea about the letter. And your right if he were within reach the jerk would be in some serious pain. No worries about needing to vent, the things I have done to him in my mind are more than enough of a waste of time than he deserves, he is not worth the time it would take to inhale to utter the first phrase.

Mitzi,
Boy we have been through some crap huh girl. Don’t worry lol I am looking into getting that cat, between a new cat...my mastiff, and the kids, at least I don’t have to worry about my bed getting lonely or cold at night <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> maybe broke down the middle but at least not cold. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

LetSTry,
Yes it did hurt, but like you said my pain is nothing like my anger for what he has done to my son, my little girl will be sad he is not around anymore, but its my son I think that will be hurt most by it. But we will get over it and move on yet again. Maybe at least he is learning by the men in his life mistakes, and sees how bad it hurts to lie to someone and maybe he will never do it for knowin what it feels like.

Avondale25,
O girl I am more than sure after finding this all out that I am not the first and I’m sure I wont be the last, it takes a heart and morals to not do something like this. Two things he would need if he were to be a man, somethin I doubt he knows anything about. Yes I have familyand friends here (and of course I'll always have my mitzi <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ), so far until I can deal with the shame he has put on me for being the OW even though I didn’t know. I will keep the reason for him not being allowed back here to myself. One day I will have come to terms with it and I will let everyone know what a snake he is, was, and always will be. My best friend knows and of course she is off the wall angry cause her and her hubby went out with us every weekend. He has lied to everyone I know, and has really set me back with my trust issues again, but I guess live and learn right?

ya'll take care I'll check back tonight <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />
Lesa

<small>[ November 11, 2003, 08:10 AM: Message edited by: LMS ]</small>