1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."

3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

5. You should not confuse your career with your life.

6. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

7. Never lick a steak knife. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

8. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.

9. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.

10. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

11. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
12. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers

13. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)

14. Your friends love you anyway.

15. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.

Top 10 Things That Sound Dirty At The Office But Aren't



10. I need to whip it out by 5.
9. Mind if I use your laptop?
8. Just stick it in my box.
7. If I have to lick one more, I'll gag!
6. I want it on my desk, now!!!
5. Hmm... I think it's out of fluid!
4. My equipment is so old it takes forever to finish.
3. It's an entry-level position.
2. When do you think you'll be getting off today?
1. It's not fair... I do all the work while he just sits.

What, Exactly, Are Cats?


1. Cats do what they want, when they want.
2. They rarely listen to you.
3. They're totally unpredictable.
4. They whine when they're not happy.
5. When you want to play they want to be left alone.
6. When you want to be alone, they want to play.
7. They expect you to cater to their every whim.
8. They're moody.
9. They leave their hair everywhere.
10. They drive you nuts.


Conclusion: Cats are small women in fur coats. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

1.Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to use the Internet, and they won't bother you for weeks.

2. Some people are like Slinkies...not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

3. I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end, and I think, "Well, that's not going to happen."

4. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing!

5. The other night I ate at a real family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.

6. Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days, no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to.

7. According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about a woman is their eyes, and women say the first thing they notice about men is they're a bunch of liars.

8. Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

9. All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

10. Have you noticed that a slight tax increase costs you two hundred dollars, and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?

11. In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world IS weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal.

12. Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.

13. There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened.

14. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire? (And I can't get anything happening in my hibachi with gasoline and a flame thrower)

15. You read about all these terrorists--most of them came here on visas, but they hung around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10-15 years. Now, compare that to Blockbuster: you're two days late with a video and those people are all over you! Let's put Blockbuster in charge of immigration.

St. Peter & The Blondes


Three blondes die and meet St. Peter. He says, "I have one question and if you get it, I will let you into heaven."

He asks the first blonde, "What is Easter?"

She answers, "Oh, that's that one time of the year when our whole family gets together and we eat turkey."

St. Peter shakes his head and says to the next blonde, "What is Easter?"

She answers, "Oh, that is the time of year when our family gets together and we all open presents and the fat jolly guy comes down the chimney."

Again St. Peter just shakes his head. He asks the third blonde, "What is Easter?"

She says, "Oh that's when Christ died and they put him in a tomb and rolled a rock in front of it."

St. Peter smiles and urges, "Yes... go on..."

The blonde continues, "Then once a year we roll the stone away and he comes out, and if he sees his shadow we have six more weeks of winter."

Here's one -

Two hillbillies walk into a bar. While having a shot of whiskey, they talk about their moonshine operation.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.

One of the hillbillies looks at her and says "Kin ya swallar?"

The woman shakes her head no.

"Kin ya breathe?"

The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up the back of her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with
his tongue.

The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.

As she begins to breathe again, the hillbilly walks slowly back to the bar.

His partner says, "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver', but I ain't never seed nobody do it.

Have a great Friday.

sss

New Secretary

Mr. Johnson got himself a new secretary. She was young, sweet and very polite.

One day while taking dictation, she noticed his fly was open. Upon leaving the room she said, "Mr. Johnson, your barracks' door is open."

He did not understand her remark, but later on he happened to look down and saw that his zipper was open. He decided to have some fun with his secretary.

Calling her in, he asked, "By the way Miss Jones, when you saw my barracks' door was open this morning, did you notice a soldier standing at attention?"

The secretary replied, "Why no sir, all I saw was a little disabled veteran sitting on two duffel bags." <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Here's another one

WHY IS THAT...

1. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll
squeeze these dangly things here,and drink whatever comes out?"

2. Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there? I'm gonna
eat the next thing that comes outta it's butt."

3. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

4. If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

5. Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

6. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but
don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

7. Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they
are going to look up there anyway?

8 Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're
both dogs!

9. If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap, why
didn't he just buy dinner?

10. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

11. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from
vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

12. If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

13 Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the
same tune?

14. Stop singing and read on..........

15. Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

16. Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad
at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the
window?

17. Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

Did you hear about the sandwich that walked into a bar? The bartender told him they didn't serve food.

Did you hear about the man who carried a piece of asphalt with him when he went into the bar? He wanted a drink - and one for the road.

Did you hear about the dyslexic man who walked into the bra?