Well a good bit of us here have found ourselves finally d'd. And I ventured this year finally out into the dating world. And it's been strange.

Sometimes you feel like running right home after a date, hiding under your covers b/c you just don't want to "be out there". Did that. Then sometimes I would just get really angry at the x b/c he's the idiot who sabotaged what was at one time long ago a decent family and marriage...long long ago I might add.

After going out with about five guys off and on, things got clearer to me. Initially I had been attracted to a guy who was a former neighbor of mine in my old subdivision. I thought he was safe b/c he was a betrayed spouse as well and was a take charge kinda guy...the man I marry will have to be b/c he will have to deal with the egomaniac x.

This guy I let my guard down for. He was kind, nice, and said and did all the right things. But there would be times he'd go out of town on business for a week or so and not call at all. Then, on a hunch, I went surfing on an internet date site (the big one ok?) and found his profile up there. Freaked me out and I immediately stopped taking his calls. It showed he had been active within one hour...so he wasn't about just getting to know me...acted totally counter to what his words were conveying and saying...one minute he's asking me to come visit him at his new condo in Miami and arranging for me to meet his family and the next I see him on an internet date site.

Next guy was a guy I knew in college. Great guy but very selfish. Great job and attractive and within a short period of time tried to make "the move" on me and I was not going there.

Then inbetween all of this came the Hilltop Neighbor. This guy was from my hometown and lived in subdivison next to my old subdivision. He had great job, was a single dad to a little boy (sole custody), and we had mutual friends which made me feel a level of safety. Lot of prince potential in this guy but on our last date, he made up an excuse as to why we couldn't get in to the sushi restaurant I wanted to go to...Said there was a 2 hour wait so instead he arranged to have the sushi picked up and rented 2 movies at his house. So we watch some movies and during the first movie after we eat, he starts drinking some scotch. I am not a huge drinker and only have maybe a glass of wine with dinner or sometimes a margarita w/the girls but not ever liquor. He gets another. Then after that he makes a move on me. I resist. Makes another move. Resist. Then after I feel totally uncomfortable and about to leave, I hear his son walking downstairs (he's 3). I had assumed the whole time his son was visiting his X as I would never dare allow my son at home or be around me while on a date. too confusing for a little one. This freaks me out and I leave immediately and do not return any calls from him after that.

Just as I am about to re-enter the self imposed convent again (but in the biblical sense I never really left it if you know what I mean), I agree after a lecture to have some dessert and listen to some jazz with a guy I work with whom I consider a friend. This was two mos. ago. Things have gone really well. We are good friends and it's strange as he seems to be even cuter now than when we were friends. It was wierd b/c I didn't see him as somebody I would consider dating, just somebody who's a good friend. No major moves, nothing. But he is a good kisser btw. No baggage, no xw. He met me at the park a few weeks back and my son was with me and he was rollerblading and my son was riding his bike. He was completely fine with my son and treated my son very well and they seemed to hit it off. I am very protective of my son btw...

Bottom line: Haven't been out with anybody else since dating him...well, did go out on last date with Hilltop Neighbor though and did talk to old subdivision guy too...We don't have any committment and he's not gone out with anybody else either. He's funny, intelligent, well-educated, attractive, and I am damn scared ok? He is the right kind of guy thus far. So why am I putting my guard up? Found myself searching internet site two days ago to see if he had an online profile up secretly (a girlfriend of mine told me about this)and he's not doing a repeat of the other guy...Today at work, he came to see me inbetween his patients twice and texted me to ask if I wanted to go to lunch. So why am I really expecting this good guy to become a bad one?

Not all men are bad ones but why am I looking for bad traits in a wonderful guy??? And the worst part is this...I REALLY LIKE HIM ALOT.

I feel kinda vulernable now and it's really uncomfortable to me. I want to be the one who will not get hurt again. I don't want to ever go thru what I did before. And no, I don't believe he is anything like my x and he's promised me he is as well. He's even said that "if we keep on dating another month or two I am probably going to have to have some words with Jethro if he keeps doing this kinda crud as I won't stand for him to treat you disrespectfully. " (last week).

He's the right kind of person and I don't want to do something really stupid and mess it up because of what I went thru. Everything was perfect until the day I realized I for sure had feelings for him. The day that dawned on me is the day my guard went up.

Now for those xBS who have moved on and into a positive relationship post divorce, how did you lick the saboteur inside and not mess up the good relationship because you'd been previously burned almost beyond recognition by your x?

Today he sits by me at lunch and we don't talk b/c chief doc of practice is discussing with me issue regarding reimbursement of procedures I am doing and how he wants to change things up (make more money basically ..so I help him). When doc leaves, Mr. Could Be Right says "well since you won the bet we made last week, have you decided where you want to go for the weekend? You pick the place, the date, and if you're still squeamish you can have a separate room ok?". We had made a stupid bet about when the price of gas would decrease and we made a bet of what price and when it would happen. I won nevertheless. He was waaaay off base in his prediction.

He also said that he'd love to meet my sis and bro in law (he's a doc also)soon and my sis and bro in law want to meet him...they only live four hours away.

Now...I've been divorced since the end of December but was separated for over a year and a half before this. It's not like the separation happened yesterday and I am pretty much over everything...except for some resentment and residual anger b/c of x's stupid behaviors and actions...

How did you get thru this sticky period and work things out? I don't want to become the runaway bride..I want to move on and one day get remarried and maybe have one more child, God willing. I'm telling you, this is the right kinda guy. He said yesterday when he called to check on me (I am still sick but getting a bit better now antibiotics are beginning a bit to kick in) "you know, I saw that picture of your son in the exam room upstairs and he's adorable..he really looks like his mom. Thank goodness...then he laughs. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> "

“””Sometimes you feel like running right home after a date, hiding under your covers”””

I’ve tried that after every date. But for some reason I can’t get anyone to run home and hide with me. LOL/JK

“””Not all men are bad ones but why am I looking for bad traits in a wonderful guy???””””

Because of your life experiences. If you bought a car and on the way home you blew a tire and this happened again and again over a period of time don’t you think that the next time you went to the car lot you’d inspect the tires.

”””I feel kinda vulnerable now”””

I think a little bit of that is good but not too much. There should be some of that with the warm fuzzies that surround a relationship.

“””Now...I've been divorced since the end of December but was separated for over a year and a half before this. It's not like the separation happened yesterday and I am pretty much over everything...except for some resentment and residual anger b/c of x's stupid behaviors and actions...”””

Isn’t that like an alcoholic saying he’s quit drinking except a little bit of beer now and then? Peachy, you of all people should know that I’m no expert on relationships and have no grounds to give you advice in that area but I do know that it is all still very new and fresh. Granted you had a longer separation period but you haven’t even been divorced a year yet. All I can say is if I were in your shoes (besides them hurting my feet) I’d take everything very slow. I think having your guard somewhat up at the beginning of a relationship isn’t necessarily a bad thing. With time and proven character you’ll let your guard down without even knowing it.


Hugs, Thoughts, & Prayers

Peachy, sometimes I think you haven't really stopped to heal from the D or the A, you just keep running and trying to hide in a new R.
Just my impression. And please don't take this personally, but I wonder sometimes if the biological clock issue is causing you to seek out a mate - more than a soul mate.

Stop, breathe and be. You are a wonderful person. If you want anyone else to believe this, you must believe it yourself. And I also think you likely don't trust your own judgement with men. (I know I certainly don't trust my own).

As always, I wish you the best.

Peachy-

I agree with what has been said here. Your XH put you through hell and continues to drag you into things. This alone has you routinely having your guard up.

In many ways I feel like you. Both of our husbands have brought us to hell and back and continue to cause us problems. It seems that we are both beyond the loss of our marriages, realizing that we are far better than these men deserve, but we are still thrust dead center into the endless struggles over our children which are continually initiated by these men. Therefore, I feel that full healing is stagnated because how to you heal when someone is constantly pulling at the scab? I know in my case without a doubt that I have no feelings for my XH. I do not carry any hopes of anything from him nor do I want it, but I am constantly thrust into turmoil because he can't seem to accept the terms of our divorce, the way things are handled with the kids, and the fact that I too deserve a new life. I want him to leave me alone so I can find peace and I imagine you feel the same.

I do think you are insecure in yourself and I know where you are coming from. It doesn't matter how great you look, how bad she looks, how many compliments or dates you get. An affair rips at the very heart of your confidence and I think that takes longer to heal from than anything. You are a great woman and a wonderful mother and that is true with or without a man.

You are young. Mr. Right will come along just give him time. Enjoy dating, but don't thrust yourself into anything you aren't ready for. Also, Mr. Right won't mean Mr. Perfect so don't be too rough on these guys. I know you have problems trusting your judgement on men, but don't be so hard on yourself or them for that matter. Start trusting yourself more and give it time. It will happen.

Take care and God bless!
K

They're right sweetie. A person may be available to date, and think they are ready to date, but until that whole residual anger thing dissapates it won't be very much fun.

Time, space, and lack of getting pulled into his life make things better.

It took putting physical distance between [censored] and I for me to get to a point where I can say I don't give a rats behind about him anymore without that furrow between my brows.

When you can say it with a smile, and not have a story to tell - I think that makes dating more fun.

Yeah, things get frustrating at times, but it is gone as soon as it comes.

Time honey, just time.

E

<small>[ June 16, 2004, 08:39 AM: Message edited by: justthewife ]</small>

I just read your thoughts and thank you all...Bill, Newly, SR, JTW.., and believe it or not, I do not have any feelings at all for x. Nothing. Except sometimes shock and outrage for the stupid stunts he pulls.

And no, it's not the whole bio clock thing at all. I was separated for so long and have had a good bit of fun (bill can vouch for me on that one) despite my x doing the dastardly stuff.

And Bill you've hit nail on head and in fact I did have a blowout on the way to work 2 weeks ago...made me never want to get a Contitrac tire ever again btw.

You just keep wondering how long they will be like they seem to be. And he was really nice today. I was coughing at work and one of the ekg techs said she thought I was coughing alot and I listened to myself and it was ok...no wheezing, but she called him and in about one second he was right there and asking if he should have a listen and make sure I'm ok..he is absolutely complete opposite of x in manner and actions. He's laid back, not at all pushy, and very kind.

Gonna give things a chance somewhat. Will try to just take things at face value and going to dinner tonight w/him downtown. First we're going to a lecture that one of the partners is giving and then we're bolting out and going to a restaurant down the street literally. He said he's got a tiny little surprise he hopes he can pull off and I don't know what. But it's nothing too big so don't get worried if you know what I mean. When I was inbetween patients today he came up and said "hey have you got the brochure on your son's new private school? I'd really like to see it. He went thru the whole folder and read every bit and that's cool.

And no, I don't really need any validation or anything. I am just a bit nervous really b/c I just "am not supposed to feel this way". I feel like a darn fish outta water ok? I like having my guard up and being unavailable...so well I did this that I elevated it to an art form btw. I just did not think I'd like anybody. And it's because he is who he is on the inside. Wierd, I know. But it's a good thing. It's like he knows we have hit this really wierd phase now and he's being as calm and laid back and non pressure as he can almost knowing what is needed to be done instead of doing what other guys and some of us here have done when things get awkward...push to get our way. Like he's doing a sort of dbusting thing letting me have enough room to come around back to him. But he is a smart guy...and believe me, it's a refreshing break from the narcissist x...

And I am not hurrying off to do anything so don't get worried. Not in my timetable as of yet. This year is about getting on with life and stuff and having fun ...yea, I said fun. Something that's been missing from my life for about five years now *except for times with my son...

Gotta go and get ready.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I like having my guard up and being unavailable...</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am living this statement. It's safe. But I also hope to be in your place someday where you actually want to let the guard down.

So how was last night???? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Peachy-

I believe you aren't harboring feelings for Jethro, other than irritation and occasional contempt. Trust me, I can relate, see my current thread.

Anyway, as I read your response it kind of dawned on me that you are taking this slowly, you are setting up deliberate little tests, and he is passing with flying colors. He is not pushing you either, which is a big step up from some of the others. You may just be getting nervous because he is a good guy and that in itself can be overwhelming, but in a so good way.

My advice, take it slow, relax a little, and enjoy. You are in the driver seat hon, have fun!

So how was the date and what was the surprise?

Take care and God bless!
K

Hi Peachy,

I think that this guy sounds pretty great so far.
I think you should go forward, cautiously!

No one says your going to marry him, not yet anyway.

Take it slow, sounds like he is willing to do that.
Enjoy the friendship/courting.

You deserve to be treated well, and he may be the guy to treat you that way.

I think if you find that you are falling for him, you spend a real year or more getting to know him very well before moving into the long term.
For me,
I know that that is what I will do.
If and when I find the potential man, I plan to date for a year or more. Until I feel he is who he presented himself to be in the beginning.
I want to know his family well too!
I don't care what anyone says. You marry someone, you marry the family too!

Keep us posted, I will be watching for your posts.

K.

Hey...

Sorry for the delay but sinus inf. got a bit worse after that night and I spent the next day after work in bed...A night on the town was probably not the best thing for my cold.

But it went great! We had a great time and I think the whole "surprise" thing was basically the whole thing about letting the other docs know the deal...that he and I are dating. Turned out it was a very small turnout. Maybe ten or eleven people. All docs except for one PA and one nurse. One doc brought his daughter, the other brought his wife.

No lecture at all. The doc who was supposed to give the lecture decided it was best to just briefly mention the information and passed out some information he found helpful and then we just all had dinner and goofed off. He was really nice and charming and again, in line.

He went to his dad's this weekend and I stayed here. Had girls' night last night and it was fun. Went to a fundraiser (five buck donation is all for entrance) to a party called Hair of the Dog...fundraiser for animal rescue societies. Great acoustic bands there and we had very lo key night.

And yea, last night guard was waaaay up. It's so wierd to see people who drink a bit lose their composure and the "creep factor" really come into play. Needless to say, I don't find that kind of juvenile behavior becoming to a man...not since about age twenty.

RR and I (the guy I am seeing) are doing well. But the guard is way up. And yes, we've hit that really wierd phase where we continue dating but that uncomfortable thing about if we're just seeing each other is definitely looming below the surface. I also incorporate teeny bits of divorcebusting as I don't call him or initiate contact and make sure he's the one to do that. As of today, haven't spoken to him since friday. Late friday as I left work. But he was really busy with a huge patient load.

One thing that stands out in my mind is his words about his dad. Just like my son, his dad left his mom and two kids when he was about my son's age for another woman. He really doesn't have much of a bond with his dad anymore. Dad is remarried to OW and althought it's been that way for a very long time, he doesn't have much of a relationship with him or with her. He calls her "his dad's wife". A while back, month and a half ago or so, his dad had an episode of chest pains and wound up in the ER in his hometown. He ended up calling my guy and asking him for medical advice. Basically wanted son's "second opinion". He said to me on friday "yea, this should be fun. I don't even yet have a gift for him and I know he just wants to do the brief thing as usual and for me to bring him some free medicine or samples or something." And he said that "some people will never change.".

I think our XWS' are gonna be somewhat like that. As of today, I have YET TO SEE here at MB or in real life for that matter, a former WS that continued down the path of adultery or married their lover ever become a truly giving or loving parent. There is always this whole "it's all about me" attitude that prevails.