the poop has really hit the fan this week for my EX. I will try to keep this short.
If you have read my posts you will know that EX and OW have been seperated for about 2 months now. EX has been coming out of the fog and sharing info with me - about a week ago he said OW called him and told him that she wanted to completely sever all ties with him. She told him that he was not to call her, send email, stop by, nothing, and if he did try to contact her she would get a restraining order against him. he was pretty upset (even called me to tell me about it <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> ).
After looking into it he decided that he didn;t really need to worry about the restraining order - it is only suppose to apply if he has hit her or threatend to hit her, and since he never has, he did not worry about it. He sent 1 last email Friday, telling her that he has turned in a change of address to the post office, so she will not need to worry about his mail anymore.
Yesterday he calls me - crying - he had just been served with a restraining order - at work, in front of all his co-workers. In the order she is quoted as saying "I have asked him not to contact me, but he did anyway, and now I am afraid he is going to stalk me, and I know he has a concealed weapons permit, and owns a hand gun, so I am afraid he will try to kil me."
So based on that - he was served, his concealed weapons permit was revoked, and he was ordered to remove all guns from his house.
So --- what am I freaking out about today? he calls me today just to let me know that he has seen an attorney, who is going to fight for him right away, and he had to pay a $2500.00 retainer (gee - - sounds a lot like my D)
He was going on and on about how she is a horrible, coniving person, who is out to wreck his life.....blah blah.
And suddenly I start to cry. And I said "You know, I do feel sorry for you, but do you realize I am the one who lost the most in all of this? I lost my family. My boys lost their dad. We suffered the most. You haven't even begun to feel what we went through"
Then he began to cry "you are right,and I am so sorry, I did this to our family"

I still don't want him back. But I am mad as hell and I don't even know who to be mad at. At this point many of his friends have come forward to tell him that they know for a fact she was sleeping with someone else WHILE she was living with him, that she never planned to marry him, that she jsut wanted someone to live with her to help with chores and bills, etc.
I know she is bad- but I still can't let him off the hook.
I was happier - I have enjoyed being single - I am dating a nice guy - my boys and I have a new house...

So if you don't want anything else to do with him, tell him that.

This is HIS mess. Let him lie in it and stink himself up.

Change your phone #. Tell him his kids will call HIM if they want to see him.

Get out of his life, stay out of it, live your own life. Period.

Isn't this what you want to do? Am I missing something? What is your ?? to us?

<small>[ August 30, 2004, 09:54 PM: Message edited by: laura_lee ]</small>

So what do I need help with? Darn, thats a good question. I guess this whole thing has just made me feel the old emotions all over again. I knew all along that he would have regrets. Not because I was some really great catch or anything - but we had a good life, a nice family. We went on great trips. We watched baseball together. The boys were happy. They had stability.
I read someone's post earlier today and she said that the day her WH left her 6 year old son told him he couldn't go to school because everyone else there has a daddy and he would be embarassed because he didn't have a daddy at home anymore.
And I remeber my 13 year old going through that. He told his friends his dad works late, and leaves early in the morning, and thats why he was never home anymore.
And I KNOW what will happen next in all this. I have read the script - and I know he will want to come back. I did not believe it a year ago when he left, but I know it is going to happen now. He is crying, apologizing. "I did this to you, and to our family, what can I do to help you now? How can I make this easier for you - I don't want you to suffer any more."
I know where this is headed.
And I don't want him back.
But I know it would be better for the boys. They are still so confused by it all.
and I know that my WH went through a traumatic experience 2 years ago that sent him off the deep end and made him look for a way to escape from his whole life (without giving details - we found out that WH's dad molested his sisters when they were young, and his niece recently. He has since then gone to jail for this)
Ever since the day his dad went to jail - he was not himself. Major depression, angry all the time, would not talk about his dad, would not visit him, etc.
I told my WH the day he left that I could tell he was not walking out on me - he was trying to walk out on his whole life. he signed the house over to me - he left behind all his personal stuff. His football card collection from the past 35 years - stamp collection - CD's, yearbooks. He was trying to just leave his whole life behind.
And now, he seems to realize the same thing. he wants counseling now, and he seems to realize how stupid he has been.
Again, I have to say that he has not even asked to come back. But I have this feeling in my gut that he will.
And I don't know what to do.


No one could blame me if I just told him no. he cheated. He broke our vows. I don't owe him anything.
But doesn;t God want us to try to repair our relationship if we can?
Isn't that what I preached in the beginning?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I guess this whole thing has just made me feel the old emotions all over again. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Totally understandable.
BTDT

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I told my WH the day he left that I could tell he was not walking out on me - he was trying to walk out on his whole life. he signed the house over to me - he left behind all his personal stuff. And now, he seems to realize the same thing. he wants counseling now, and he seems to realize how stupid he has been. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is pretty much exactly what happened in my sitch (the reasons were different, but caused the same end result).

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I have to say that he has not even asked to come back. But I have this feeling in my gut that he will.
And I don't know what to do.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">And no one can tell you what to do.
But you are seeking, you are looking, you are asking. That is good.
And you KNOW where to go to look for the "right" answers! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">No one could blame me if I just told him no. he cheated. He broke our vows. I don't owe him anything.
But doesn;t God want us to try to repair our relationship if we can?
Isn't that what I preached in the beginning? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Nope. No one here would "blame" you for feeling like you do. This board is FULL of people who feel as you do.

You've got to be obedient to your Lord, who has your whole life in HIS hands, though.
ASK HIM what you are supposed to do now, and when(or IF) x asks to try again.

BTW - as for that comment, "I don't owe him anything....." I have to respectfully disagree with that. I think (my OWN opinion, ONLY, here, ok?), anyway, I think you DO "owe" him something. Rather, you owe it to God. You took vows before God that you would remain M'd "....for better or worse....till death do us part."

I actually wrote this in a letter to my pastor one time when he preached on Covenants and commitment. He said adultery "frees" us from a M, and gives us biblical permission to divorce.
*I* wrote that although adultery gives us the "permission" to divorce, it is not a mandatory to divorce b/c of it, and I felt that God had "told" me to Stand for my M being reconciled. That that would be a bigger testimony of God's grace and Power than div'ing and "going and finding another H."

But I am not saying this is what you are supposed to do. I'm just saying that comment you made that "you didn't owe him anything....." just touched a nerve.
No, you DON'T "owe" him anything. But - again - MY OPINION - GOD expects you to honor a commitment you made to HIM (it wasn't made TO your H, it was made WITH him TO GOD) when you M'd.

My 2¢
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

God Bless,

Thank you lupolady, well said.

God clearly tells us that we are not divoriced until one of us remarries another. On paper, in man's eye's, sure, you two are now two one's... However, God still sees you as one. Your relationship is damaged, absolutely, but, try very hard to have a soft hard. I know it's hardened towards him, but, pray for the Lord to soften it, to work on you. It sounds like your husband is having alot go on in his life, and that he is feeling desperately alone. Is he a Christian? If he is, I would try to find a way to be supportive of him, but don't let him rely upon you...force him to talk with Him about his problems. When he finds his relationship with God (Christ), you're husband will come running back to you, and he will hopefully be a very large step closer to the husband God created for you to have (if he would have walked in obedience). That is why you should pray for your heart to soften, God has that man sitting there, alone now, and is molding him, shaping him through the rigors of life, and creating the piece of you that is missing. It will always be missing until one of you remarries, in a sort...Christ fills that role for you now, but, that is what your x is supposed to be doing.

If he isn't a Christian, I would personally try to witness to him through some friends. Not by yourself, because I think he would accept it to just come home. He needs to find this relationship independant of you. However, you can still be supportive, and friendly to him, even love him, as Christ would/does. You may be surprised to see how much more God is gonna be working in your life in these next few months than you've ever witnessed (except for maybe the birth of your boy).

Finally, thank God. Thank Him for this new event, this new hurdle. He is looking at you with such love right now. Think, He only gives us what we can handle...God is looking at you right now with such strong force and saying this is in her ability to overcome, she is that strong in Me. Thank Him for everything that is coming into your life.

And lastly, although you don't owe it to him, your husband is very very alone right now. You know how that feels. You know it in a stark contrast to what he is experiencing, and even though some are so thankful for the 'small' dose of pain WS' receive in situations like this, aren't we so much more loving if we don't reject our spouses when they finally begin to see the root of their sin? If we love them like God asks us to, what bad can possibly come to us when we go before the Lord in the end? Ask yourself this, do you love your x? Not do you feel love, do you love him? Remember, love is a choice, feelings come and go, but love is a choice.

Try to enjoy your fourth. Hang in there.

You guys are awesome. Thank you.
You basically told me everything I all ready knew - but I needed to hear it again.
I spent some time with a dear friend this morning talking and praying. She is the one person who still continues to pray for us to reconcile - even after the D. Everyone else encourages me to "move on" But this one friend still held out hope for my WH - even when I gave up.

I honestly never ever thought I would hear my WH apologize, or admit that he made a mistake. Never. I know that he would be sorry one day, and have regets - but I never thought he would admit it to me. I was sure that his pride would force him to keep it all in. To hear him sobbing now, and telling me that he realizes it is all his fault,taht he broke up our family, and caused so much pain. I just don't know how to process all this.
We will be spending a lot of time together this weekend - oldest son is playing in a baseball tournament. After the gmae tonight the four of us - WH, me, and two sons, went out for dinner together. For the first time in a year. It was a nice evening. But tomorrow is another day - and we all now how quickly thing scan change when we are dealing with a WS.
So I will spend time in prayer tonight.
To those of you who are reading this - I want to share this thought -
you may think that your WS will never show remorse, never admit that they did something wrong,and never apologize, but I swear to you my WH is the last man I ever thought I would hear those words from. The last man.
God truly does continue to work miracles in the hearts of man.

Lupolady-
I just read your sig line and realize how similar our situations are. wow. I honestly thought that I was done with him when the D was final. I was not mentally prepared for this latest turns of events.
Were you surprised? Where are you guys at now?

Hello Woman of Faith,
I believe that God wants us to be happy, and loved. He knows our comings and goings, he knows our humanness and doesn't expect us to be perfect but rather to strive for perfection which ultimately means that we should always be working out of a mind-set of Grace and forgiveness. Do you love your EX ? If not, and you decide to take him back on the basis of past habit, nostalgia, then you will not be working toward God's ultimate wish for us. You are worthy of happiness, worthy of being loved, worthy of discoving that you too are worthy of the gift of being able to return love to someone. You mentionned in your post that you are dating a fine man presently, why not give this a chance, see where it goes? As for the Ex, the worst thing you could do for him is to try to save him from his own self. He will never find true happiness nor will he learn to love freely and sacrificially, if he is not allowed to suffer the consequences and pain of his actions. He is in a dark space right now, feeling the sting of rejection, and abondonement from the light of love... there is purpose in this, just as there is purpose in the guilt that we all feel when we have sinned against God... it's a purifying thing if one allows themselves, and others allow that person to go through the pain. Live your life, striving toward the things of God, I believe that for you to allow your Ex back into your life, you will be prevented from doing so. You can be there for him from a distance, praying for him, that God comfort him and bring him peace... this is Grace, this is love, beyond the "walls" of a thing called "marriage".

Peace,
Odyssey

Odyssey-
Your timeing is good (perhaps its God's timing)
I was thinking about starting another thread with this:
Thursday morning, I had another teary call from Ex - how he is so sorry, he screwed up, what can he do to help me, etc.
I spent all day crying.
Then I get a call from the man I have been seeing. This man is a christian, kind, thoughtful. We were going slowly in our R - saw each other about once a week. He generally calls every day - or at least every other day. But this week I saw him Sunday - and then he didn't call until Thursday at 5:00. Given the fact that my life has been in turmoil with the ex, it was probably best that he didn't call until then - but it was still strange. So I asked him "is something up" Do we need to talk?" and he said "yes, we need to get together and talk" You can imagine how I felt at that moment. Not now. Why is all this happening at once.
He picks me up from work, and we go for a walk. The talk starts out fine - he says that he has been an emotional wreck lately (just started a new job, his Dad passed away recently) and feels like he is just a mess. He feels bad becuase we have entered into a physical relationship (I'm sorry to admit that - but its true) and he knows that he is not right with God in that aspect. That while he is praying to God for guidance in his life - here he knows that he is doing something terribly wrong. Of course I was relived to hear this - after all, I agree with him fully on that. He says he still wants to be in a relationship with me, just not physical. I was thrilled!
We contiunue to walk - and talk, and I am feeling really good about the whole thing until -
he says "is there anything else you would like to discuss, as long as we are being so open?" and I said "no, how about you?"
Yes, he says, there is one other thing. I am really struglling with something - this is not your problem, it is mine, but I have to admit that I have a problem with your weight <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />
He says that he is very upset with himself for "having a problem with my weight" that he knows he is just being shallow, but he can't help it.
Here is the truly odd thing - I am not fat!!! Don't get me wrong - I don't think he should have said that even if I was fat - but the strange thing is I'M NOT!. I weart a size 8. I am sure I could stand to lose 20 pounds - but no more than that. And the real sad thing is that I have been dieting this past week, and lost 3 pounds, but now I am just devastated by his comment.
I didn't know how to respond.
He says "I am not asking you to lose weight for me, I just wanted to be up front and honest with you. Believe me it wasn't easy for me to say that.
We parted ways that night. I was still too stunned to respond. he called me later that night to see if I was ok, and I said "Why did you say that about my weight?" and his reponse was "is that still bothering you?" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> I said, "I can not figure out why you even brought it up - what good could possibly come from that?"
Again he just said "I was just trying to be entirely honest with you - this isn't your problem - it's mine - I am being shallow and I hate that about myself"
I cried all night. That day I felt so ugly.
The next day I woke up, looked in the mirror and realized I am not fat! I still want to lose a few more pounds - for my own sake - but I can not get past feeling deeply hurt by what he said.
He called again, just to see how I was. I was polite, I told him I was fine. He said he would call again real soon. He has his kids over this weekend, so typically he calls me before they get there (which he did) and again, on Sunday, after they leave.
I think I am going to type him an email, and just tell him that in my opinion, good friends do not say such hurtful thigs to each other, and I simply do not see how we can contniue to be friends. He justifies his words by saying that it is just him "being shallow Hal" as if that makes it ok. But it doesn't. Here he confesses that he was not right with God in our physcial realtionship - yet how can he think he is right with God when he has deeply hurt one of Gods own children? God does not want him to judge my outside appearance.
I am a 40 year old woman - with 2 kids. I am active and a lot of fun to be with. But all he can say is that he has a problem with my weight.
As I was driving home that night - Ex H called. He could tell I had been crying. He asked what was wrong. I told him what happened. He kept saying that I wasn't fat and he thinks I am very attractive, and he feels bad now becuase he knows that his leaving, and his A have made me feel bad about myself. That if he had not left, I would not have been in a relationship with this guy and would not have heard those awful words.
I can't help but wonder if this is all Gods timing? I was feeling so good about my realtionshiop with this guy - the only way I would have decided to stop seeing him was if he said something so awful that I knew I needed to move on. And he did. I would still feel like I was in a relationship with him today if he hadn't said that - but he did say it - and I know I can't even be friends with him now.

<small>[ August 30, 2004, 09:55 PM: Message edited by: laura_lee ]</small>

Hi There,
O.K. so the BF was Christian, so what! I think he may have been lying about feeling bad about the physical intimacy between the two of you in regards to his faith. I think his having a problem with a size 8 woman is also an excuse. I feel that the man just wants a way out of your relationship but doesn't have the courage or decency to tell you. He is trying to place the ball in your court in the hopes that everything he has said to you would turn you off enough to break things off with him. I like the idea of an e-mail, but only to express to him how hurtful what he said was. I would also affirm that yes, he is shallow and that what he has said, has brought out some ugliness in him that you are not sure you want in your life. I would also affirm the fact, that yes, it is his problem, because you KNOW you are not fat.
As for the Ex, well he is using cult-techniques to get back into your life - that is, he is using your vulnerabilities, telling you what you need to hear in this moment of weekness, so that he could make his way back into your life. It is somewhat manipulative. All I could say, is take your time with this one, and if you need to talk to someone regarding what you are presently going thru, talk to a friend, a family member, post on these boards, but try not to go to your EX in this time because things will get messy for you and right now you need to be able to think as clearly as possible.

Peace,
Odyssey

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by womanoffaith5:
<strong> Lupolady-
I just read your sig line and realize how similar our situations are. wow. I honestly thought that I was done with him when the D was final. I was not mentally prepared for this latest turns of events.
Were you surprised? Where are you guys at now? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">wof,

Let me take you waaay back to "where I was" when I found out he had left me:
He didn't even tell me anything. He just wrote a note and left it for me to find.

As I read the note saying he "didn't want to be M'd anymore, he'd filed for div......blah, blah, blah.........." - all I kept thinking was: "Don't let the door hit ya on the backside on your way out, pal."

God then convicted me, bringing Genesis 50:20 into my mind......"What they meant for evil, GOD meant for good......."
Second thought was: "STAND STILL and see the salvation of the Lord."

Keep in mind that we really hadn't even been going to church for several years. I had NO REASON to recall any scriptures into my mind at that point in time. And I certainly didn't know what to make of those scriptures at that time. But they were there, and I have never forgot that God DID give me those scriptures, kind of to hang onto all this time. During the tough times (and believe me, I HAD TOUGH TIMES hanging on at certain points), those scriptures would come into my mind, and I would pull down my Bible and read them again. And pray them!

During my search (for divorce recovery) & to "heal" myself while the div. proceeded forward, I found this site. This site gave me hope that the A would end, and my M could be restored! I also found RejoiceMinistries and RestoreMarriages websites.

So slowly, I came to the realization that this wasn't an all or nothing deal, and that my M WAS "recoverable." Unfortunately, my H was totally GONE and nothing (Plan A, Plan B) - nothing was changing his mind.

The good news was that I had started going to a very fine, scripturally sound church, which also helped my personal and spiritual healing. Once I was standing on my feet again, I was "open" to hearing what God wanted to say to me. Slowly, verrrrry slowly, it seemed that He was telling me He would Heal my M!!!

At first I simply took it at face value, "OK, Lord, whatever You say........." and LOOKED for signs. There were none.

By the time the div. was final (13 months after he left), I was at peace. I still didn't see how the div. was going to be UNdone, and my M healed, but by then, I believed God was in control of the situation, and was trusting Him for the outcome. In fact, God had showed me (told me through scripture?) that the "old" M was dead anyway, and He delights in reviving dead things and making them NEW! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> And so I knew that the "old" M had to "die." Be dissolved, whatever word you want to use. I was OK with it.

After that, basically, all I did was STAND. I stood still. I "stood" for my M. I did nothing involving the M. I just believed that God could work this out, and continued to grow spiritually in the Lord.

HOW He chose to work it out (the woman DIED!!!) was totally outside my realm of thought. But God knows best........and apparently He knew this woman's time on earth was very short, and she needed my H to be with her, to help her through this time, and point her to God (He did, too. They used to watch our former pastor on TV, so I KNOW she heard the gospel!)

My H has now even admitted that he feels he was with her during this time "because she needed someone to take care of her, and I guess I was it......" I had already gotten that Word from God!

So, the incredible thing is that even though I "knew what I knew what I knew" that God had told me He would bring a healing to my M, I was still astounded when it started happening! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

OK, this is very long, let me get to your ???
Where are we now? We are "friends" (HIS words) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />
OK, "friends" is good. It's a start. He says if "friends" turns into something else, he's OK with it. THEN goes on to say he can't stop thinking about me....... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
Says things like, "I don't want to be with anyone but you.............." <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

He's started reading his Bible. He's willing to do the EN's ?? with me.

Basically, we are going slow, but he's doing and saying ALL the right things! So, I do believe God is making all things new as He promised 2½ years ago!
I'm just trying to continue walking where He leads me. And NOT run ahead. Just listen to His still, small voice.

Hope this helps.

God Bless,

<small>[ July 04, 2004, 06:54 AM: Message edited by: lupolady ]</small>

Womanoffaith,

Is it possible God is showing this other man's true colors now for a reason? I'm sure it is--God has a reason for EVERYTHING!!

You said your husband had gone through a very bad time before he moved out--finding out his father molested his sisters is a HUGE one to swollow--and accept--I know it devestated my brothers--to know our father did the same--it put my oldest brother in a tailspin--that caused him to believe it could be genetic--and anytime he found a girl to be attractive that our father also thought was phyiscally attractive he freaked out--thinking he was just like our dad--until He finally sought counseling--he still struggles with this even now--and he's in his 40's--(he found out when he was 19)

Now Your ex-husband is finally ready to face the issues--He's tired of running--he's facing the consequences of his actions and will hopefully turn to God--

And if your children have any remote knowledge that dad is changing--and wanting to make things right--they will reject the OM or anyone else you might decide to date--

I'm not going to tell you to just take him back--
but maybe take a wait and see approach--if he seeks counseling--if he turns to God--then maybe you can start slowly with him as you have been trying to do w/ this other man--date him--and get to know each other as you are NOW--not who you were when you married--not who you were when he left--but who you both have become during all of these things--

As Lupolady said---the old marriage may have needed to die in order for God to create it anew--
make it stronger--allow him to appreciate his marriage and family more--and God could use this as a ministry within your church--and maybe give others who are struggling in their marriages hope--

It could also teach your son's a valuable lesson about God and marriage--and that even in the worst of circumstances---God still works miracles--

I know a couple in our church whose marriage ended in Divorce--they were apart about 3 years--
and they both grew and made changes during that time--and God brought them back together--they have been married over 15 years this time--and have a stronger, happier and healthier marriage than they had the first time around---they now work with a Christian group that puts on marriage seminars--

I know God knows what's best for you--Listen for His direction--it may produce a miracle--

Lupo-

Wow.
Thank you so much for your post.
You made this comment:

Let me take you waaay back to "where I was" when I found out he had left me:

In my case, before he left I remeber thinking to myself, on many occasions "If he ever wanted to leave, it would be just fine with me". Although I did truly love him (do still?) there were some things I did not like very much. Without going into details, over the years if I would complain about something he did, he would always respond with "there are plenty of women out there who wish that was the worst thing they had to put up with from their H's"
(interesting side note - he told me the other day that OW used to complain about him chewing ice, and eating too fast! I guess he found out that there are a lot of women out there who complain about way more stuff than I ever did. That did make me laugh)
Anyway, thanks to everyone for their comments. They are all truly helpfull.
I will continue to pray. And not just for myself, and for EX. But also for our boys - they see dad coming around now, and I am sure they would like us back together - so I only hope that they are not being set up for another hurt.
By the way - ex is continueing to go to church - by himself even. That has got to be convicting for him. I know that when I am in church, at least twice a month the pastor will say something about the sanctity of marriage or the sin of adultry, and how damaging it is to a family. I just wonder what he is thinking of when he hears that stuff??

hi ladies- I ordered the STAND for your M books from that ministry site- have you read them? my h has been gone a few months-with ow- NC with US-his family. M 21 years....any ideas ?

KEEPING THE FAITH

Tell us a little more about your story.
Does he live close by? Is OW married? Have any kids? When was D-Day?

I had very little contact with my WH in the beginning too. At one point he went about a month without ever seeing our boys. I couldn't believe it - I never thoguht he would be that type of Dad.
It is pretty typical for them to go into hiding for a while - the guilt has got to be bad (although they will never admit to it at the time)
Frankly, no contact for awhile is a good thing. it gives you a chance to heal, without the constant reminders. Last summer I barely saw my WH - but once September came around, and oldest son was playing football, he started bringing the OW to my sons football games. That was the hardest thing - what was she doing at my sons games? When I would ask my WH to please quit bringing her he would say "you need to get over it" When I would tell him that she should at least stay away from sons games (son hated having her there - seeing the two of them in the stands, off to the side because they couldn't sit with me and the other team parents) but WH would only say "she is going to be a part of sons life, because she is a part of mine. Get used to it."
Of course now she is long gone, and WH is filled with regrets (don't get me wrong though - I suspect that if OW were to call him up and claim that she was under too much stress these past couple of months, and that is why she kicked him out, and would he please come back - I bet he would do it. he fell for her lines once - I think he would do it again)
But I am able to ask questions now, and get a little more insight as to what in the heck he was thinking of this past year. He honestly thought they were going to live happily ever after - that every single day of his life would be happy. That they would not need money - they didn't need to go out, they would be content to just stay home together.
Reality was a whole differnt story.
I would say this - trust your gut instincts. My gut always told me that my ex and OW would not last. That they didn't seem to have a grasp on reality at all. That the things he did say (when he actually spoke) sounded insane. And I heard it all - that he loved her more than he had ever loved anyone before - that they were meant to be together - that God must have intended for them to be together, otherwise why would he have met her.
In the beginning, I wanted to do all those things you aren't supposed to do - I wanted to send letters reminding him that he used to love me like that - that he promised to be with me forever. I wanted him to look at our wedding pictures to jog his memory. I actually sent 2 letters. Each time he thanked me, but said that "he may have felt that way once about me, but he just doesn't anymore.
Now - here is the ironic part. The other day he tells me that he has saved all the cards, and emails that he got from OW talking about how much she loved him, and how she wanted to be with him for the rest of her life - and he says that he has tried to get her to read some of this stuff, so he can ask her if it was all lies, or if she truly felt that way at that time. But she won't talk to him about it - doesn't want to read the cards or emails. he actually said to me that he doesn't understand how she could write all that stuff, and then dump him (and now have yet another BF)
I said "WH - don't you realize that you were the same way to me? I still have a box full of cards and letters too - but you didn't want to see any of it. Don't you recognize your own self in all this?"
I don't know if I was any help to you - my best advice is to read - and write in your journal. Writing all this stuff down helps to get it out of your head for a while.
and post here.

womanoffaith5- I have posted under Idle threat if you want to see where I am now- on this board-looking forward to hearing from you- thanks for being there......

WALK IN THE SPIRIT

I am with Odessy here ok.

Your xh is finding a crack in your armour now and using it for HIS benefit. Controllers do that.

And sure the former OW is exited stage left and in a big way.

But be careful. Do you SEE A PATTERN HERE?

First in your M, he had a tough period and then RAN from it and into the arms of another woman and destroyed your marriage and family. Without shame.

Now the OW has left him and filed charges against him. Likely it was volatile and passion involved and you can't believe simply either side of the story. Truth about it probably lies somewhere in the middle. Now he's got this PPO against him and is wanting nothing to do with him anymore.

Suddenly he's remorseful. Calling you, admitting his faults. Then he calls and whammo! He finds opportunity in that you had a falling out with a nice guy, a christian guy, a pretty much good guy. He says all the right things. He has gone to church recently.

But only time and actions. ACTIONS will show if he is changed. And trust me, I know all about PPO's. My x had one placed against him this time last year by the county. For breaking into my residence.

They don't issue them for just any old thing. She had to show just cause. Maybe either a verbal or written threat to her well being and that combined with the fact she knows he has weapons.

I am saying to be weary. And it's easy b/c we are VULERNABLE to this kinda stuff after enduring the hell of affairs and divorce and the fallout on our kids. We miss the white picket fence. We miss the intact family picture.

I just think your xh is taking the easy way out instead of dealing again with HIS PROBLEMS. He runs and blames and switches responsibility. Has he shown how he might be responsible for somebody taking out a PPO against him? Like saying, "well we argued and things got outta hand and she got the wrong impression from me" or has he ever shown how he's dealing with his issues? Going to church is an outward show. And for some it's just a show. My xfil did that the week after his longterm affair was blown sky high and after his suicide attempt with the sherriff kicking in the door.

Behavioral psychs will tell you to watch his actions to see if they match up to his words...over time.

And quite possibly, you might not love him as you did.

I am all for reconciliation here. But I am not for somebody becoming a martyr. There is no rationalization for an affair. NOT ONE. It is a sin. It is enablement when we give reasons why it's ok for adultery. If I were to enable my cakeater xh, then I'd be eighty pounds, working on my phd, and running as the first female republican presidential candidate right now. Oh, also finding a cure for cancer and heart disease inbetween my botox injections and liposuction appointments.

What were btw, his reasons initially for the affair? I will bet he blamed YOU for it. Now he blames the OW. And it's easy to point our anger at the OW. After all she came between our husbands and our families. It's a valid target of anger. I immensely dislike my xh's new OW/W. But there comes a time when you gotta look at the situation and take the anger outta it. He is crying and blaming her for having to hire an attorney and crying and crying. I will bet you did that too. You even admitted you did. At least the affair cost him some $$$.

And vengeance is the Lord's domain. Laura lee was right on the target with that one.

Do not buy into anything as a rebound again. Don't use the comment made by your bf as a reason to run for shelter somewhere familiar. The big "what could have been" tent. I know. Sometimes I wonder that as well. But I step back and see somebody so enabled by his family that he has never once seen the fallout of his sin and anger.

Don't settle for the xh. Time can prove his intent. As for the bf, you work on you for you. Not for him. But if he is willing to exercise with you and enjoy time with you then this is different. BTW...is there anything physically you wish to change about the bf?

Men think physical change is their right to ask of us. I say no. Take back the power.

Hello Woman of Faith,

Just checked in to see how you are doing and saw that you haven't posted since July 10th. So, how are you? what is your news?

I like what Just Peachy has responded to your situation... she has some pretty good insights which I think you should reflect upon.

I hope you are o.k.... Let us know...

Still praying for you !!!

Peace,
Odyssey