Hello! I lurked a lot but not post because I am so confussed that I don't think I can comment on anything. but today i really need advised.

I married my only boyfriend for 8 years and love of my live(highschool sweetheart). I helped my husband get his master and postponed my. I got pregnant only 6 months after married and pregnant of my second child when my first was only 5 months.

When my D was only 5 months we discovered our first boy was adhd with autistic caracteristics i was devastated and negleted him. You see I came from a very good closed family and he comes from a very disfuntional one. He always had low self steam and I was the one who encorauge him to do the master and pursue a career. I was like his private psicologist, BUT, when i got my babys and one with problems and NEDEED HIM I found out he was starting and emotional affair with a coworker. I told him to go if he didnt love me, i couldn't deal with evrething, he left and then he come back.

After 6 months my son havent start the st that he needed and i had to resign to a very good job to take care of him. We decided TOGETHER, that i should return to ours state of origin because the doctors are friend of my family and it was better for him, I left and he was suposed to find a job. After 9/11 he couldnt find a job until 2 years laters. All that time i really forgot him and i was more in love thant ever. He visit us evrey 6 weeks for 10 days.


Well, he finally finds a job, with less pay and responsabilities but, we were together. After 6 weeks of him being misserable I found out that another ow was coming to visit him. I confronted him, he said he wanted to be with us, I told him these was the second time, the first I really understand that I neglected him but that this time I wasn't going to be so forgiven, we needed to have MC and I needed a complete commintment from his part. Well, the next day he left very early and call me from my mother's in law house to let me know that since that day we were separated and he wanted out. I was crushed but I didn't want to be marry with somoene who don't love me or my kids.


Two weeks later I found out I was pregnat again(not insults I was on the pill). Well after that
he was the most horrible and cruel human being in this earth. Firts he told me it wasn't his and wanted a paternity test..a joke, he is the only boyfriend or man i ever being with and he knows it. Well, later told me to do an abortion, i told him no way that is against all my principles. I told him that i didnt want him to come back for the new baby I just want to make sure I had insurance, to be honest if he didn't care for the 2 k he already have what this one was going to be any diference.

He moved back with the ow, the whole 9 months were horrible, a war, not even once he talk to me without insulting me. Now, he is love with the new baby.

Two months ago I told him I didnt want to figth anymore, that if he can not talk to me without insulting me then with have to arraing he visit with the kids thrugth a third person. That he should try to be cordial and civil for the sake of the kids. Well he did, last april was our baby's first birthday. I told him that if he promised to behaved, we can celebrated all together, well he did and we have fun. Two weeks after that he fligth to visit again and this time we were together a lot. We went as a family to the beach, disney on ice, sunday mass, and we have fun, My daugther was so happy that break my heart, she didnt stop asking us to get married.

Well 3 weeks ago i took the kids to disney and invited him. He meet us the last weekend.

I already told him that i will sign the papers whenever he wants to but i wouldnt file.

In orlando I stay in my uncles apartments he have to take his grandkids to disney, he was supposed to stay in the kids bedroom, my mom in the second bedroom and I in the third bedroom.

In the middle of the nigth he change to my room, we had fabulous sex evry single day. I just let it happen, he was the one who started. All the weeken he was holding my hands and giving me kisses, I talk a little bit about our situation but didnt want to forced him to talk to not
spoiled the weekend.

The past weeks he has being very lovely, and saying he missed me, and saying he wants to work it out. so, 4 of july was supposed to be our 8 anniversary, so one nigth he was very sad saying that he missed me so much that i told him I was to by the tickets to spend the 4 of july weekend with him that I have the baby sit and evry thing arrange, that it was to be a surprised but because he was so sad i was telling him. I so he was to get so happy I WAS SO WRONG. he said his apartment was dirty, he didnt have vacation, I told him that I can clean his apartment, and he didnt have to stop work I used to live there I know lot of people, I wasnt going to get lost, and that he do not have to be with me all the time.

Well that set a horrible figth, i cancel the trip and today he told me again he wants the divorce. What shoul I do? I thougth he was done with the ow, but aparently not. And I am as crush as I was almost 2 years ago. I have to stop this, and let him go, but I LOVE HIM WITH ALL MY HEART, SOUL AND LIVED.

What should I do. I filled so helpless. he is getting me crazy. what can he not tell me what he really want. I filled used.


HELP

<small>[ July 06, 2004, 10:34 PM: Message edited by: Majoli ]</small>

PS- Please forget my typos English is my second language and i haven't spoken or writing in 4 years & I'm in a very bad shape

Your english is fine. Welcome to marriagebuilders. Start in Plan A, you can read all about it on the link on my signature line. That is the place to start.

Thanks for the promptly replied believer.
I already read plan A but I don't now how to put it in practice. Please help find out how to approach this, and should I give up faith. I think evrytime I think maybe he still love me a little I raised my hopes, only to get hit by a truck.....And I stock in this pain!!!!!!!

This is a long process. You just have to do Plan A and hang in there. I have been going through this for 16 months. It is not pleasant.

You need to do the best you can in Plan A. Even if you only talk on the phone, stick to it. Then whatever happens, you can look back and know you did the best you could to save your marriage.

Don't listen to friends or family. Until you go through something like this, you just don't know. It is very common for friends to tell you just move on. But that is not good advice. You owe it to your children to do the very best Plan A you can.

In the meantime, try to make the changes in YOU, that you need to make. You are really the only one that you can change. Try to keep busy and do things that will make you feel good about yourself.

Hi Majoli,

After you replied to me I just had to find your story...

It sounds to me like you've had quite a rough time, and I'm sorry. But what I can also see is that your H seems to have it all his own way. I don't know if they OW is about or not, but it seems that when he wants to be with you, then he is, if he doesn't then off he goes, but he knows that you will be there when he wants to come back.

So I don't think he values you enough, he is not seeing you as an equal. He needs to get a fright, like you saying "NO". My W did this to me with great effect - I got an awful shock (because I saw that she meant it). And she has stuck to it.

What she has done is reversed us, I am now desperate to fix things, it doesn't happen overnight but I am totally convinced that if we get through this our marriage will be very very strong again.

Graeme

Thank you, and I'm glad things are going good for you. update-4 of july was supposed to be our 8 anniversary, we talked a little over the phone, first he told me he wanted the divorce but didnt file because of the money, and latter he told me that it wasn't true he was confussed, that he just do not like to talk the weekend he has send me the huge cs cheeck.

Sorry, but I told him not to call me back until he had made a decision of file for divorce or going to counselling, he hasn't call after that, at this point I just want this over one way or the other.

Sky diver

Thanks verry verry much to the replay in my other threat. I think you didn't read this one, they are 3 kids not just my D. But because the older has his dissabilities I don't know for sure how all this has affecting him. and the baby is only 1year old so he dosn't even know. But with my D which is gifted is different. She is the one that theese is afecting more or at least the only one who showed it. She is constatly asking me to call his father, to send him ecards, asking if we loved each other and when we are going to be married.

How I can explain to a 4 year old that we are already married, but that his dad has choose to live me not her if he only come and visit her evry 3 months without damaging her?

To your other question he drinks a lot I don't, I don't now about other drugs now, but no when we lived together, who knows?

Evryone said that a h have and a is his needs are not fullfield. but with us what happens is that I was the one who always back him up, and help him with his emotional problems, but when my boat was full with water and I couldn't be his personal terapyst (figure of speech) and I was the one who needed support he couldn't handdle it.

Do not know if I make sence...

You make plenty of sense. Stay in Plan A for awhile longer. You can read all about it in Ark's post in the general questions forum. She explains exactly how to do it.

Hang in there, you can do this.

<small>[ July 07, 2004, 07:04 PM: Message edited by: Majoli ]</small>

I was reading a threat for in the fog called missing the ow, and I'm 80% convinced that theese is him. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />