Hi all

Well, I'm getting the feeling that I belong here on this board rather than GQII. Can I ramble a little???

Fogman is now twisting his A into not even having one at all! This is strictly MY problem with OW. He's not about to give up their "friendship", and doesn't want a divorce. Huh????

I don't think so Fogman!

I am getting D papers together. We just signed an agreement to sell our house in Vermont. I'm heading for Pennsylvania with the kids. He moved to Maine, and then OW followed him 2 days later. There is no way in h*ll we will be moving there, too! He wants things to stay exactly as they are. He thinks this is all in my head. OMG, I must get away from this relationship. It is going nowhere.

I have finally accepted that our M is over. This has taken a while to get used to. I can now imagine a good life without him. I know we will have contact for the kids, who we adore. That'll be interesting to see how we handle long-distance visitation.

He comes home every weekend right now, and of course we must talk. He threatens to leave constantly if any little thing bothers him. The kids freak when he does this. I have stopped freaking out and tell him to go ahead (he doesn't).

I told him I was filing last weekend. I've been building up to it during the A and hung on for the required Plan A and a modified Plan B. He did not believe me, of course. He said he would let me have everything since I would get the 3 kids. I've talked to both a lawyer and a mediator. Mediator seems like the best bet.

THIS weekend he says he might get his own lawyer. He wants half of everything. Of course he is entitled by law. I predicted he would change his mind... typical bullsh*t from him. He also said he and OW would lie through their teeth about the A. OK, what kind of man would do this?? Not one that I want anymore!

He also said today that it's not fair that I get to work part-time (I work 3/4 time and still make more money than him). We would pay a fortune for daycare if I worked fulltime. I went to part-time 3 years ago when our 2nd was born. Financially, it has worked great for us. This summer was tight since I was on Maternity leave AND he moved to an apt. He's whining that if we D, he won't have any money and he might as well work at Walmart. He says he won't sign anything unless I agree to work fulltime. WTF????

He has been telling me for months that he can't live with me anymore and that our M was over. Well, now he's not happy that I'm filing.

Classic CAKE-MAN! Check out that thread.

We are going through our memorabilia and splitting up family and kids photos and such today. It is so very heartbreaking. Well, it's about time we decluttered. Maybe looking at the stuff he takes back to apt. will wake his a$$ up, but then again, I think he is just too stubborn anyway to really care.

I am so sorry you are going through this. You sound strong tho...and I applaude you for taking a stand.

I went through that 4 times with my ex...took him back each time. He retired after 22 years in the military...and then he took off with a young flight attendant.

I wish now I had set and kept boundaries to protect myself....would have saved myself and the kids a lot of heartache. At the time tho, I was too in love with him and wanting to keep my family together. So, I allowed him to do stuff that never should have happened. So, good for you girl.

There is a right and a wrong...and you have to live your life the way you know you should be. Your husband is deep in the FOG...and it is painful to stay in there with him. Build a life for you and the kids, improve yourself and try to carry on. It will be his loss.

Unfortunately for my ex, he has lost so much and he still doesn't realize it. Keep in mind, for you there is still hope. Hang in there, it is a tough road...but I promise, it will get better. Pat

Hi there WAID,

You sound like me in many respects.My quick recap is:WH was in another country working in October 2003(we stay behind),meets homewrecking trash,starts the adultery,gets fired from company one month later!,moves to California for another job,contract doesn't get picked up after 3 months,moves home to reconcile,that lasts about 2 weeks,find evidence of contact,BS(me)files for a D with a mediator after 2 false "recoveries",BS(me) IS going to get everything,WH doesn't contest,is willing to be poor,give up dream home(it's MINE now) and limit time with kids all for homewrecking trash.At least for now.We both see our Mediator in person this month to get things really going.WH so far has not expressed any desire to change his mind on all the issues.He feels it's the least he can do and what I am pushing for.I was not ever going to move to where he was again,especially after the A happened.He can go wherever he wants now.Whatever.

I am a SAHM and I am not working until AFTER all this blows over.We would have the same daycare issues(we still don't believe that our kids can be home alone safely) and work is not exactly overflowing here in my affluent but quiet little town.I am an RN and they don't have reasonable hours for a soon to be single parent.

My WH really hasn't talked about the A or the homewrecker or much at all for months now.It's like if he doesn't talk about it,it doesn't exist or he is keeping it private because he knows that none of us,including his entire family want to hear about or meet the homewrecker.He can only get support from the homewrecker and her crack pot parents.

I too can imagine a good life without my WH.I don't need someone in my life either that disrespects me,doesn't love me as a wife or doesn't even get excited about anything.I want to find someone that doesn't work a billion hours a week and can really enjoy life.So I also have been sorting out pictures but WH doesn't even really want anything.It's as though if he leaves every reminder in the home,he can start anew with the homewrecker.He has a few pictures of me and the kids and some things I gave him but he doesn't appear to want much else.

Anyway,I can sympathize.It's too bad that you are leaving Vermont.I love Vermont! I am right next door too(Mass).You must have family in PA?

As for the kids,there will be as minimal contact for me and WH.I am one of those women that just cannot be all friendly and happy just because we are parents.No way,not after the way I have been treated.In order for me to move on,move ahead or whatever,I need WH out of my life permanently(or as much as can be done).I have been doing absolutely everything for my children and the home so that will not change.My WH also sees the kids every weekend NOW but that will change to EOW if I get my way.It's just too hard having him come here each weekend and he knows that I don't agree with that.He also will have to see the kids somewhere else.Not here.

Well,we are headed for the same shore I think.I hope things progress as easily as possible for you.Keep that chin up! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

O

P.S. One other thought.My lawyer told me that judges look for what's best for the children in D which is natural.In one way they do that,they try to prevent any unnecessary changes to them like changing schools,homes,visitation,etc.So,in my case anyway,it is in my kids best interest to stay where I am and continue in the manner of living that my WH has agreed to all this time.So in other words,if you have parented and worked a certain way for a long time,a judge can rule in your favor if you have documentation about your style of living.Just because your WH all of a sudden wants YOU to work more doesn't mean you should or have to.It's what a judge would rule if you can't come to an agreement with the mediator.That's why I will not work until maybe after the D is final.My WH has been comfortable with me not working and taking care of the kids all this time so I see no reason to change that,especially since one parent is already gone 95% of the time(WH).They need me to be there for them.

Ok that's enough. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" />

Thanks O

We really are neighbors! I was wondering if I was the only one in New England. Lots from MN, FL, CA...

I do have family in PA. We have been in VT for 11 years. I am an RN,too!!!! I'm worried that the judge won't "let" me move due to waiting periods and whatnot. He hasn't really lived at home since my birthday. Do I really need to WAIT anymore??? We still have SF (I know, I'm crazy, but maybe that wuill change when I file) so I don't want to get caught in a technicality.

My plan is to move into my parents house with the kids for awhile. They have plenty of room, and frankly, I really need the adult company. Getting back to work has helped me this week. He really is pissing me off with the work crap. Maybe if he didn't hang onto OW, he wouldn't be getting a D, and he wouldn't be giving up his FABULOUS house and income of his smart and sexy wife!! It's sorta a turnoff for him to be so dependent all of a sudden.

I cannot stay M to him if all he wants is to be friends or whatever bullsh*t he thinks and choose to not live together. Is he crazy??? I MUST be living with my H, or he is no H at all. Sometimes I wonder about his sanity, then remeber the FOG, and it is so creepy.

He is talking about trying to get custody. Hmmmm...let's see...NO WAY IN H*LL! He rents a room in the same house as a known drug dealer. I don't think my kids will be going there, Fogman! I would probably have to pay child support if he had the kids.

Maine, as he is finding out firsthand, is VERY expensive to live in. Property taxes are the only thing that are reasonable. No decent RN jobs to be found, either.

MONM is absolutley right when she says there are certain rights and wrongs. I am looking for the right thing now.

Rant...

So, my WH, Fogman, just left after a weekend visit. Yesterday sucked (Saturdays usually do), then last night and today were very pleasant. You know, feeling like a nice Sunday, cooked breakfast, all of us hung out on our king-sized bed for an hour before getting up...everything we used to do and enjoy as a family in the old days. We had great SF last night, too.

Goshdarnit, he just filled up my freakin Love Bank when I wasn't AT ALL wanting him to!

He says this morning, "See, we can get along..." (He does not want the D I want to file for) I am so ready to end this M, then he pulls off a fast one on us. The kids banks filled up, too, I'm sure! I know he's just trying to be a Cake-man again... This so totally sucks!

Does anyone else still have SF when they are close to a D, or am I just CRAZY for still wanting him??? HELP!

Bumping for more input!
Thanks

Hi again,

Fellow RN! HA!

I think you are giving your WH mixed signals,you know that right? I too have had some nice days with WH although no SF.But,it takes me back to old days when we used to be together and it gives my girls the wrong impression too.My WH has no intention of working on the marriage but he would just LOVE to be best friends and buddies and still do family things.Me the wife and kiddies and beautiful home on one side,homewrecking trash and porno sex with her on the other side.Best of both worlds. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

I put a stop to that a long time ago.You also need to be sure what you want to do.You cannot be on the cusp of a D and still be having sex with your WH.It's confusing and harmful to all involved.I could have easily feel back into that trap myself with my WH's sneaky ways but it's like lying with the enemy.I have to be conscious at all times to know that I am taking care of me,my kids and business.It's like taking a drag on a cigarette or taking a sip of alcohol,it feels like old times and may even feel good but it's harmful and you end up losing yourself all over again and you're back to the beginning.Don't be manipulated,ok? Remember Mr.Cakeman hasn't left the building,he is alive and well.

O

O

OMG you are so right on. I am so close to filing...I guess I am still hanging on to a glimmer of hope that he will come back. Huge EN and Love Bank deposit for both of us. I'm stuck in Plan A. I know I shouldn't be having sex with him. Sh*t, we didn't have sex this often even when we were happy! Am I trying to make up for lost time? Is it jealousy? He actually tells me that the OW can't even get him off. I just realized as I typed it that I am so stupid... Of course a cakeman is going to say that. The desperate wife will "take care" of that, and then he's on his merry way...

Should I just talk to him about it? I feel our communication right now is "fake"...that we are both not being fully honest. Plus our feelings are waffling, both of us! It is so darn painful.

I spoke with my L today. She said I could move to PA, just have to get a court order. That was what was really holding me up, having to stay here alone with the q weekend visits from h&ll. By Fridays I stop eating, don't really eat on Saturdays, then get my appetite back by Sunday nights after he leaves. I've lost a ton of weight. If I'm furthur away, I think I can move forward. I feel trapped in a rut. At least I know I have a choice now. This has has taken me months to realize...I CAN survive without him! Well, whatdya know?

He would be perfectly content to continue this ad infinitum...No thank you Fogman! He insists that he doesn't want a D, but will not really say why he wants to stay M (occasionally, he'll spew off something about finances or the kids). He tells me I am getting everything my way as usual (which is his #1 complaint in the M) and gets all pissy when I bring up the D to figure out how to split stuff up. A mediator is not gonna work for us.

I'm just gonna post and vent some more...

Talked to my L yesterday, I had more questions for her. I have to know everything before I make any decisions. This is biting me in the a$$ now because filing for a D is one helluva decision!!!!

WH works in Maine and comes home on weekends. I used to call him every day and every evening (when I actually gave a sh*t). Now, he calls me every day. He is so oblivious to the D coming.

Yesterday we had the same-old-same-old R and A discussion (our M was over, she has NOTHING to do with US, you haven't changed, I can't live with you, then let's get D, no I don't want anything to change, well tough not gonna happen, etc., etc. ad nauseum). I told him that it is pointless to talk about our dead relationship, so don't call me unless you want to talk about the kids. Ohhhh, OK.

He called again today...no reason, just to say hi. AAAARRRRGGGGHHHHH!

How long did you all take to actually make the final decision to file against your WS/BS? I can't for the life of me make a solid YES I'M DOING THIS RIGHT NOW...I am hanging onto... air?

LOL. I first talked to a lawyer in 2002. I separated in April 2003. September 9, 2003 I sign papers suing for divorce. July 29 I authorized my lawyer to send a settlement proposal to my lawyer.

I’m proof positive you can file and still not have made a firm commitment to divorce.

I have absolutely no hope for my marriage, and at this point, I have stopped being nice to H at all. Basically, he rightly accused me of leading him on.

This will still probably drag out, possibly with a custody battle.

Thanks GG

I think I need to just DO IT, then!

He called AGAIN today, "I forgot what I was going to ask you..." I wish he wouldn't call me. Those days need to be over that I hang near the phonw waiting breathlessly for him to call. It is ALWAYS a disappointment to talk to him. I am trying to hammer into his head that I will NOT tolerate the OW, and that is why I want a D. He still blames "our relationship" for the A. I need to friggin SCREAM today! I am so very sick and tired of it!

He made all kinds of threats today, from getting custody to not sending me any money, you name it! I know he's gonna be a real pain in the [censored] about the whole thing!

I don't know what I would do without your support and the kind words of my friends that have been D. I could NEVER vent this much against WH on GQII. Hehehehehehehe!

Oh, yes. A reasonable amount of disrespect for X's is expected here.

I always get a chuckle when my STBX starts with insane settlement requests. Before we even separated, he said "Fine, I get the kids." Now, he's down to 50/50, one week on, one week off. It isn'thappening. Then, he told me the pre-nupt didn't hold. Well, that's pretty cool because I can go after his business. Tons of equity in those books and paintings. Oh, and he's not going to give the support I asked for.

Just on and on. It's a tactic used to scare you into submission. You can say what I say, "Have your lawyer talk to my lawyer." I personally love that one because STBX doesn't have a lawyer and said he wouldn't get one.

Here's another one....

"I'm not coming to Vermont just to take some Parenting Class, that doesn't qualify as an emergency"...(VT requires both parents take a 4 hour divorcing parents session. I can see him delaying delaying delaying and delaying.)

and

"You [censored] with me, I'll definitely [censored] with you..."


I pray it is all smoke and mirrors. He's making me nervous. He says I'm doing this so I can "control" everything (his most favorite line of all times) because he won't let me "control" him anymore. This whole thing has made me re-think the control-freak tendency I probably have. I tell you what, though, I am definitely a well-grounded well-meaning healthy-choices happy control freak (well, was happy)! I guess he can't live with that anymore, he'd rather date a stupid redneck sl*t!

I see a few familiar names that are new to this and at the same-ish stages. Thanks for all of the support, it helps us SOOOOOO much!

No advice from me here, but for the two of you who I often see over on the GQII board, a couple comments:

WhatamIDoing:

He wants half of everything. Of course he is entitled by law.

My WH originally told me he didn't want to do anything to screw me when he moved out. He left everything with me except his clothes and some of his books.

Over the course of the last few weeks, even though I've not talked about filing until this week, he's gotten repeatedly angrier about financial things and has taken to reminding me that he could have loaded up half of everything because its his, that HE put me in that house (what about my wages?), and now as of Sunday that if I try to contest giving him half of my retirement funds (a healthy sum), how would I like him to force my parents to sell their home to pay him his 1/4 of the life estate?

He's getting greedier and greedier. No apparent shame or remorse for all the pain he's caused the kids and me. So I'm getting out.

Octobergirl,

My WH has no intention of working on the marriage but he would just LOVE to be best friends and buddies and still do family things.Me the wife and kiddies and beautiful home on one side,homewrecking trash and porno sex with her on the other side.Best of both worlds.

Though my WH hasn't wanted to do the family thing almost since the P/A started and has been gone most of the time, the rest I believe completely applies. I also think it's a good part of the reason he doesn't want to file for D himself. He likes keeping me there as his pal and as a fall-back just in case this whole OW thing doesn't work out. Cake-eating. Unfair.

As for the SF thing though, I continued that up until almost Christmas, I think as a sorry attempt to try and lure him back. Didn't work. So it's done. He hasn't tried since then (because of course, that would be being unfaithful to his homewrecking babe). I haven't wanted.

We can give each other support--either here or on GQII, or both. I'm still bouncing back and forth.

LL

Sounds good to keep our eyes out for each other! I have a feeling we will all need it!

The SF thing again... well, he lies to OW about us starting SF again, he says it's none of her business, just like she's none of my business. Oh what a cake-eater. Very hurtful and with no remorse whatsoever. He actually is trying to deny the whole thing now. PUKE!

I have to draw the line with SF, because I once I file, it will delay the final D. 6 month waiting period, and such. It's the only thing in Plan A that has really worked, so I guess I'm hard-pressed to let it go. But then I remember your post O, about it being confusing and hurtful. I need to do some serious thinking. Last weekend was a Love Bank fest, yikes!

Another foggy weekend here with the Fogman. I have to go to work, but thought I would post quickly.

Guess what I found in MY BEDROOM under the baby's crib?

OW'S PINK PUSHUP BRA!!!!

OMG it's like D-Day over again!

Last weekend it was "I want to get custody". The weekend before is when I found her name on his cellphone. It just never ends...

Well, I lost it, burst into tears and cried harder than I've cried in a long time. My heart is just so broken. He says he never did anything ever in our bedroom, that it was "sacred". He says he doesn't know how it got in there. I do believe him, even though I know I shouldn't. He said maybe one of the kids found it and put it there, or maybe she put it there. OMG, the pain is so bad.

This puts me back into desperation of wanting him back. Wrong!!!!

We talked about SF, he doesn't think we should be doing it anymore, so I of course agreed. I was planning on discussing it with him anyway.

I told him I wanted to be a whole family again, but he is not ready to come back. He said he was sorry and doesn't want to hurt me. He still doesn't want to get a divorce.

PPPPPPAAAAAAIIIIIINNNNNN!

I mentioned the MB weekend coming up soon, but he complained about the money. If he'll agree to go as one last attempt to reconcile, maybe I'll delay filing for a little bit. I asked him about phone counseling with SF, so maybe he'll go for that instead. We stopped MC when he moved to Maine. Maybe I don't want to throw in the towel without a professional opinion. This sucks so bad!

Our wonderful house is going to hit the market next Monday. He still wonders why we're not moving there. FYI the OW followed him there.... when he took the job, they were supposed to be through. She didn't let that happen, and now neither did he.

These weekends are not conducive to anything. We end up having R talk and then that blows the whole mood. PLUS, there is some kind of "bomb" every time that we have to deal with and he can wonder why bother even coming home except to see the kids. We try to get along, but he's not interested in working on the M or ending the A at all.

The bra really did it for me. Tangible evidence. I should have taken picture of it before he viciously snatched it away from me. I tried to take a pic of his cell phone entry, but I don't think it will turn out.

I was so happy with the D decision, or at least well on my way. Why on earth should I feel any different now? Shouldn't I feel worse about him??? He is firmly on the fence. I am so confused, but deep in me are the seeds of hope. Where that will take me I have no idea.

WAID,

Oh wow...I wish I had some advice but am wandering around in my own confused little land right now.

The bra thing, I'm sure, was every bit as painful as my seeing on WH's picture cell phone OW's parts that her bra should have been covering but weren't. It really sucks!

My heart goes out to you. It is really confusing. I'm struggling, even though I've had papers filed. Professional help wasn't an option for us. He refused a long time ago to counsel with SH or JHC, and was seeing a therapist on his own way back in the beginning, but stopped when the therapist started hitting too close to home on some of his issues.

However, waiting longer to file D WAS an option for me, and because I made the decision not quite one year into this whole mess, I am going back and forth doubting myself because, while WH has no intentions right now of ending his A, he also wasn't wanting to D.

(That probably falls somewhere in the category of 'cake-eating'. He's not really getting anything from me other than an occasional phone call or text, but if we're not D, he also know's I'm there to fall back on if/when his little fling ends.)

Sorry...rambling on your thread.

I guess my only advice is don't file unless you're prepared for it to go though. Don't do it as a bluff.

LL

Hi LL

Thanks for talking to me...

I still think that the cellphone trick your H pulled was by far the ultimate worst!

So I went to work and basically cried all day. This sucks so badly. I thought I was done with these feelings of longing for him with all of my being. I am gonna have to backpaddle to get out of this. Or am I supposed to Plan A? Plan B?

I think I am going to make an appt with SH or Jen for myself and see what they say before I file for a D.

I haven't really eaten this weekend either. I usually lose a pound or two every weekend. Limboland is no way to diet when you are breastfeeding!

WAID,

Okay woman...EAT!!! I demand that you do! (Like that makes all the difference... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> )

From my own experience, when I was on my serious infidelity diet, even though I really couldn't eat...couldn't even swallow anything solid...the lack of nutrients made me that much more weak, down and depressed.

If you're nursing, that baby is going to suck (pun intended) everything out of you and you're going to drop.

Go get yourself some Ensure if you can't drink anything else. I survived on nothing but that for a couple weeks, I think.

As for backpeddling and calling SH or someone, I agree with you. Call them before you file for D.

However, even though I thought I was sure that D was my only rational choice given the circumstances, the feelings, questions, doubts, etc., all came rushing in after I filed the papers. I've spent a good share of my last week+ crying buckets, after being fairly tear-free for a while.

This is all just really difficult but we're going to come through it, one way or another, stronger women.

Hang in there.

LL

Happy Monday!

WH called and get this.....The bra "isn't even hers. Maybe somebody planted it there..."

I said, and you believe her? He didn't understand my question, of course! I almost burst out laughing! "Why would she lie?" I said, why wouldn't she, that's what she does. I wonder why he hung up on me???? Fog cracks me up sometimes!

There has never been anyone else undressed in our house in 10 years.....IT IS HERS! I am so pissed I didn't take a pic of the thing!

I actually feel better today, thank goodness! I was in a REALLY BAD WAY yesterday.
I'm pleasantly suprised that the "jolt" or flashback or whatever wasn't long-lasting. I cannot go there again, way too painful!

I am eating something right now, OK? We are going to friends for dinner, so I'll eat then too. I lived on Ensure/fruit/milk smoothies for a good 2 months, too! A friend of mine recommended that to me...best advice ever. They kept me going.