When I first registered here, on the Marriage Builders forums in December, 1998 (a forum prob. forced me to re-register in Mar 99, but I'm telling the truth) I was a scared and lonely man with a 2 1/2 year old marriage in the grip of my wife's affair with a co-worker.

Eventually, with the direct help of Steve Harley councelling us, the affair was ended. But unfortunately in my 'weakened' state - and happy enough to have my wife actually loving me again - I didn't 'force' it to end properly. I didn't require the things I should have. I didn't take care of MY own emotional needs. This poor ending to the affair (which I do not blame Dr. Harley for at all - because we left councelling early) left a stain on our relationship. I felt that my wife should have treated me at least as well as she treated her OM and I also was quite confident (to this day, in fact) that she has not.

Part of the problem was the anti-depressants lowering her sexual drive to seemingly nothing. Since late 1999, when I can be moderately confident of the affair and all traces of it ending, we've probably had sex 25 times or so. Since 1999. Not good.

I have exercised honesty, dilligence in meeting her needs, respectfulness and adherence to most of Dr. Harley's principles. The exception, I will admit, is that I have 'used' or whatever you want to call it porn, erotica, whatever to find sexual satisfaction where none could be found with the person who supposedly should be providing it. But I have always provided her the opportunity to do so. She is almost never the initiator and never, IMO, enthusiastic (until I'm making HER feel good, of course).

So, on to me not wanting to be married. There is a French quote I have up at my desk, at work: "Quand on n'aime pas tros, on n'aime pas assez". Which means: "When you do not love too much, you do not love enough". This sums up my feeling on how a person should feel to qualify as "in love". I have not felt this way in probably 3 or 4 years. The lack of sex, the lack of forthrightness (honesty) and the feeling that the person I am with is wasting their life and squandering her talent. When I read an author's dedication in the front of their book, or hear devoted couples talk excitedly about raising children together, I know that I am witnessing people who are having an incredible experience. I am not having this experience, and have not for a long time.

Essentially, what I'm saying is: if this is marriage, I'd rather be lonely.

So here's my question for you guys: Since I still do care about her a great deal, and wish to be an honorable man, how do I end our marriage in a way that will cause her the least pain? Should I just tell her my intentions right up front, or ask for separation? She is aware of my general feelings and how torn up I have felt lately (this whole issue has been catalyzed by our moving near to my elderly, sick father for the summer).

Please don't waste typing on encourage me to change my mind... I'm not going to be the one to save this - not this time.

Thanks,
24L

24L

Sorry you've had to live in such missery for so long.

The answer to your question realy depends on where your W stands on the M.

If this is gonna be a big blow to her, there is no easy way to end it.

Even if she is expecting it, it will probably be a blow.

The idea of a seperation isn't bad as long as it isn't missleading as to be a temporary thing.

I was temporarily seperated 11 months ago. After months of trying to get the temorary pary over and get back together, it turned permanant on me. Thats when I found that it was always meant to be permanant but it was easier for STBXW to offer it as a temporary sollution for our problems. Many things would have been different if she was up front with me from the start.

WIWH

Hi 2 4 life:

Honorable?? Well, I would suggest that you get your honorable butt back into counseling---if not with the Harley's (888-639-1639 for appts---oh, you probably know that), maybe try Penny Tupy at SYMC. I would suggest that you probably move soon to a Plan B separation, and ask your wife to move out. That would give her a taste for what divorced life will be like---and she'll need to come to a decision as to whether it's better for her that way or if she'd be willing to come back and make an effort in the marriage in a way that you're enthusiastic about.

It would also allow you to reassess your decision for divorce---if you're truly that far into withdrawal, it wouldn't take you too long to be ready to file for divorce.

But the honorable thing is to work through the marriage, and explore all options. I don't think you've really done that, and I'd encourage you to do so. And while 25 times since 1999 might not be good, it's 25 more times than I've had---so stop your whining... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> . And I feel pretty good about my marriage (so I'll send you whatever stuff seems to be circulating in my bloodstream).

Seriously, you should 'earn' your way towards divorce, if you want to feel honorable for the way you've handled this situation. And you should do so in a way that gives your marriage it's best chance, even if you are in withdrawal. Go get the professional help.

<small>[ August 30, 2004, 11:06 PM: Message edited by: laura_lee ]</small>

Does your wife claim to be happy in your marriage? Sounds like (affair, antidepressents, witholding sex)not. Do you spend the 15 hours a week together and do fun things and discuss your/each other's needs? If so, I think you would know how she would feel about the idea of divorce. If she feels that her needs aren't being met, and agrees that you've tried everything, then maybe she does want a divorce

Sorry, I got posted before I finished. You have to start with a conversation asking her about her needs, then telling her about your unmet needs, and suggesting that divorce might not be such a horrible thing if you're both really unhappy and can honestly say you've done everything this website suggests.