Well, kids, before this week, most of my dates had seemed pretty disappointing. None were all that thrilling, my fire was not lit, and I didn't end up with or ask for a second date.

But that was BEFORE!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

This week I had a wonderful date and it was pretty exciting. Just so you know, I didn't "flip out" for the guy or anything--and I think that's partially a protection thing. (In other words, I am beginning to wonder if I'm afraid to really have my fire lit!) BUT...it went REALLY well, even with my reservations! He's handsome, happy, a father, conservative, friendly, funny, smart, steady and dependable, and INTERESTED. YAY!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Yes...he asked me out for a second date!

Double yes...he sent me FLOWERS!!

Here's my question. I did not do a great job chosing my first partner. I have grown a lot since then and I think I have a much better handle on what would be more healthy for me. But I am worried about falling head over heels and ignoring/not seeing red flags and stuff. I'm able to basically "list" the kinds of qualities that I'd like in a person. What I'm wondering about is, how do you keep your head on your shoulders and not get carried away with the excitement of it all??

So folks, what advice would you give me? This actually may be at least a good, steady date! This may actually be something a little exciting and thrilling--haven't felt that in DECADES! So how do I navigate this wisely? How do I figure out limits...as they come up? How do I tell if my expectation is normal? Or if his is normal? Or if they are BOTH normal? haha!

I know you'all can't tell me what my limits are, but how about some things I should think about ahead of time so that I can go into this knowing what I'm doing??

Gee. Just the possibility is so wonderful--even if it never turns out, it's just cool to think it could happen! Me...dating!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />


CJ

CJ - I hope you don't make the mistake that I always did. For some reason, I always met one man that I liked more than the others that I dated, and then started dating exclusively. That is a big mistake.

When dating, you should continue to see several men. Just pretend like they are interviewing for a relationship with you.

The other important thing is not to listen to what they say they like. Lots of men pretend to like the same things you do. So if they say they love opera, go to lots of operas together. If they say they love kids, spend some time with lots of kids. That is the way you will get the truth.

CJ,

If you think that within the first couple of months--they are--listen to your gut instincts--

I agree with believer--don't just date one person-
date a few--

Don't wait around for him to call--make other plans--and don't get distressed if he doesn't call within a few days--he has a life too--

Before *you* decide to date exclusively--TALK about it--don't just assume that you are dating exclusively--and He should *expect* you not to date anyone else either--until the two of you have discussed it--at length that it's what you want--

Remember dating does NOT EQUAL MARRIAGE--so don't expect him to act married--and he shouldn't expect you to act as if your married to him--

Expect him to treat you with respect--as a person
and as a woman--

Be open and honest with him about how you want to be treated--and what you want out of a relationship--even in dating--

He shouldn't expect you to drop previous plans to go out with him--

Nor should you offer to do that--if he's interested in going out with you--he will call again--in advance to make plans--

In other words--he shouldn't expect you to be available to go out any time he calls--but it's okay to do that occassionally---

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by believer:
<strong> When dating, you should continue to see several men. Just pretend like they are interviewing for a relationship with you.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Haha! Wow, thanks for the vote of confidence there! I don't actually have that many dates that I could see "several men" at once! But, I think I get the drift, which is "don't go into exclusive-mode." If another fella WOULD ask me out at the same time, don't turn him down, and also kind of take it from the point of view that if another lady asks him out, he is free to not turn her down.

The "interviewing for a relationship" concept I like a lot. One of the things I really like to do is talk (both of us, not just me), so all at once I would be learning and also having my own brand of fun.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>The other important thing is not to listen to what they say they like. Lots of men pretend to like the same things you do. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> You're kidding! You mean, people try to look their best and impress their date! Haha! I'm kidding around. Boy, let me tell you girl, probably the single biggest lesson I have learned in this mess is ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS! I enjoy talking, but in my book it is meaningless until it is followed up by ACTIONS! This is a good point though...do some of the things he says he likes and see if his actions match his words. Shoot...I'll even take it a step further. Overall, see if his actions match his words.

Thanks Believer!


CJ

You know, TR, I just knew you would post! I was hoping you would. In fact, you will be tickled to know that I saved all the stuff you sent out about relationships and intimacy via email last year. It's good resource material!

Anyway, you wrote:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong> If you think that within the first couple of months--they are--listen to your gut instincts-</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Okay, for me, I'm going to take this one to mean I need to trust myself. If I feel uncomfortable--trust myself. If I feel unhealthy--trust myself. If I think something is not okay with me--trust myself. Good one! I like this one!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>Don't wait around for him to call--make other plans--and don't get distressed if he doesn't call within a few days--he has a life too--</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Haha--you know, he's a lucky man. Until you wrote it here right now, it had not even crossed my mind to "wait around for him to call". God, I've changed. I would have sat by the phone when I was younger, and now I was just carrying on with life with a little zing in my step. Okay, this one is not going to be a problem for me AT ALL.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>Before *you* decide to date exclusively--TALK about it--don't just assume that you are dating exclusively--and He shouldn't *expect* you not to date anyone else either--until the two of you have discussed it--at length that it's what you want--

Remember dating does NOT EQUAL MARRIAGE--so don't expect him to act married--and he shouldn't expect you to act as if your married to him-- </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Okay, I lumped these two together because I think they mean similar things (not the same, just similar) and that is: don't jump into commitment-mode. This isn't a commitment so don't act like it and don't expect him to act like it and he shouldn't expect me to act like it. I think in general this is just WISE advice because so often people don't jump right into premature commitment behavior...and I know that in the past I did have a weakness toward that myself.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>Expect him to treat you with respect--as a person and as a woman--

Be open and honest with him about how you want to be treated--and what you want out of a relationship--even in dating--</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">These two may be the hardest for me. I remember when people on the forum here would say to me, "well, set your boundaries and express them to him" and I thought "HUUUH???" I just could not picture what a boundary was because I had never had boundaries in my whole life (sexual abuse as a child, physical abuse by my mother as a young teen, abusive H). It seemed like such a gray, indefinable thing in my mind that I had REAL trouble with it...until I set one or two. And then until I spoke up for my boundary. And then when I started to recognize the feeling when my boundary is crossed.

This is a little similar. I understand the concept of being treated respectfully in a relationship but have never been there and don't have any idea what it looks like. I know what it looks like from FAMILY (cousins and siblings, not my parents)...and I know what it looks like from FRIENDS...and I know what respectful treatment is like from CO-WORKERS. But a relationship?

I keep going back to a measuring stick I CAN envision--a friendship. Would a friend act like this? Would I expect a friend to do this? Would I accept this from a friend? Would a friend expect that of me? My point being that if a friend wouldn't do it or behave that way, then a date sure shouldn't!

And speaking up for myself and what I want and expect is hard too--not because I can't verbalize it, but because it wasn't safe to do that before. Thankfully I have had lots of "non-relationship" practice with speaking up and stating my thoughts and expectations. Luckily I am a very open person by nature too. And gratefully, I've been able to practice being MUCH more healthy on this regard with my children, and since we are "live together family" the situations do arise when we rub each other the wrong way or say it in a demanding way, etc. So, whilst this will be new to do in a relationship setting, I have some confidence that I can do it.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>He shouldn't expect you to drop previous plans to go out with him--

Nor should you offer to do that--if he's interested in going out with you--he will call again--in advance to make plans--

In other words--he shouldn't expect you to be available to go out any time he calls--but it's okay to do that occassionally--- </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Right. My plan in the instance that he would just call would be "I'm sorry, I already had plans. Could we meet on XXX??" I'd like to communicate that I like getting together, but I'm not "at his beck and call". Do you think that will do it? Oh--the occasional spontaneous thing isn't an issue...it's the pattern of disrespect for my time and availability. THAT would be an issue!!

Thanks, TR. Any more???


CJ

Hi Faithful~~

I just wanted to chime in and say, I'm happy for you!!
And that it sounds like you have gotten some good advice.
I should print it, IN CASE I get in your boat!!

But, I am dying to know,
How have you met your dates??

I would like to meet some men, but have not the first idea from where???

Again, I'm happy for you!
K~

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by FaithfulNewCJ:
<strong> He's handsome, happy, a father, conservative, friendly, funny, smart, steady and dependable</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">OMG what did I do? I don't even remember being out in Colorado......... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Yipeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hey CJ, he's too young.......JK,,,,,LOL

Here's my only advise "take it S L O W !!!! I mean let's face it, like me, you're experiencing some emotions, thoughts, & feelings that have been buried for a long time. They feel good don't they? Take your time and experience all of them to the fullest and explore them. Hmmmmmmmm I think some short legged cuttie said something like that to me...

So in closing, take it slow and Oh he's too young. Have fun with limited expectations and when in doubt, dial and I pull your feet back to the ground.

Hugs, Thoughts, & Prayers

FaithfulNewCJ,

Okay, for me, I'm going to take this one to mean I need to trust myself. If I feel uncomfortable--trust myself. If I feel unhealthy--trust myself. If I think something is not okay with me--trust myself. Good one! I like this one!

TR--I knew I should have gone to bed earlier--but yes, all of that--and if you think things are moving along to FAST for you--slow down

And even if you don't 'think' they are moving along to fast physically--but they seem to be moving fast emotionally--then take a step back--and get control over your emotions--so that your looking through clear glasses and not roase colored ones--

--Haha--you know, he's a lucky man. Until you wrote it here right now, it had not even crossed my mind to "wait around for him to call". God, I've changed. I would have sat by the phone when I was younger, and now I was just carrying on with life with a little zing in my step. Okay, this one is not going to be a problem for me AT ALL. --

TR--I know you've changed in so many ways--and you are so much stronger--but apparently this guy is different--because your seeking advice--and when your emotions become involved in a deeper way
as opposed to just *I went on a date, it was okay
and I really don't care if I ever see this person again* type of thing--to use your words--

--This week I had a wonderful date and it was pretty exciting. Just so you know, I didn't "flip out" for the guy or anything--and I think that's partially a protection thing. (In other words, I am beginning to wonder if I'm afraid to really have my fire lit!) BUT...it went REALLY well, even with my reservations! He's handsome, happy, a father, conservative, friendly, funny, smart, steady and dependable, and INTERESTED. YAY!!

Yes...he asked me out for a second date!

Double yes...he sent me FLOWERS!!--

TR--That tell's me--there is a possiblity things could go either way--and if your not in check of your emotions--things could move prety fast even if only emotionally--



--Okay, I lumped these two together because I think they mean similar things (not the same, just similar) and that is: don't jump into commitment-mode. This isn't a commitment so don't act like it and don't expect him to act like it and he shouldn't expect me to act like it. I think in general this is just WISE advice because so often people don't jump right into premature commitment behavior...and I know that in the past I did have a weakness toward that myself.--

TR--Yes, which is why it's good to keep your emotions in check--and to step back occassionally and see where things are, where you think they are going, where he thinks they are going, and is that really where you want things to go??

--These two may be the hardest for me. I remember when people on the forum here would say to me, "well, set your boundaries and express them to him" and I thought "HUUUH???" I just could not picture what a boundary was because I had never had boundaries in my whole life (sexual abuse as a child, physical abuse by my mother as a young teen, abusive H). It seemed like such a gray, indefinable thing in my mind that I had REAL trouble with it...until I set one or two. And then until I spoke up for my boundary. And then when I started to recognize the feeling when my boundary is crossed. --

TR--Have you read any of the Boundaries books?? If not--do so--that will help you in your healing process of the past sexual abuse--there is even one boundaries in dating--one that you could also
get for your children to read--as they are at that age--

--This is a little similar. I understand the concept of being treated respectfully in a relationship but have never been there and don't have any idea what it looks like. I know what it looks like from FAMILY (cousins and siblings, not my parents)...and I know what it looks like from FRIENDS...and I know what respectful treatment is like from CO-WORKERS. But a relationship? --

TR--There is a book that is written for teenagers-
about dating--"Dating, Intimacy and the Teenage Years" it's by Kark Duff--I bought it for my daughter to read BEFORE she can date--I skimmed through it at the store and was like WOW--I wish someone would have told me these things before--which is why it's now required reading for all of my kids before they can date--

I even bought a copy for my daughters best friend-she apparently hasn't read it, whereas my daughter has--she call's my daughter to talk about her dates and my daughter picks up on the different lies this girl is believing from these boy's--and she told her recently--"You know that book my mom bought us about dating--You really SHOULD read it--your calling me asking for advice
when many of things your asking about--are covered in that book" (she got the book out and refered her to things in it) so you may find it helpful as well--just to get an idea of what it SHOULD be like--


--I keep going back to a measuring stick I CAN envision--a friendship. Would a friend act like this? Would I expect a friend to do this? Would I accept this from a friend? Would a friend expect that of me? My point being that if a friend wouldn't do it or behave that way, then a date sure shouldn't!--

TR--Another thing you could ask yourself--is
"would Jesus act this way?" "Would Jesus treat me this way?" "Would Jesus want me doing this?"

--And speaking up for myself and what I want and expect is hard too--not because I can't verbalize it, but because it wasn't safe to do that before.-

TR--So make a list of things you want and expect--
and things you don't want and don't expect to be in your relationships--write them down--that way when things come up you'll recognize it easier as a red flag or not--


--My plan in the instance that he would just call would be "I'm sorry, I already had plans. Could we meet on XXX??" I'd like to communicate that I like getting together, but I'm not "at his beck and call". Do you think that will do it? Oh--the occasional spontaneous thing isn't an issue...it's the pattern of disrespect for my time and availability. THAT would be an issue!!

TR--Right!! And if he's respectful--He will accept your answer--and not try and push you to change it--he also won't be disrepectful by asking to many questions about what your other plans are--and trying to manipulate you to invite him along--

Now, another thing--you mentioned he's a father--
how is his relationship with his kids?? what is it like?? How do they get along with him? How does he treat his mother? Does he have daughters, how does he treat them?

Another thing you could do--print out Harley's list of emotional needs-with the descriptions--
even though your not married--or even thinking of marriage at this point--it's a tool you can use to see what needs are important to him--they will change over time as a relationship grows--but it can give you an idea about what's important to him--outside of marriage--and give you insight about who he is as a person--

I just finished reading the book "What Husbands Wish their Wives Knew about Men" and the other book I mentioned says some things that are similiar--so I'll paraphrase--

Men look at dating as a task, even if it's only subconsiously, it's a task--it's on their to-do list--something they have to do in order to find a companion--so they tend to talk more--they do more things together--they tend to do things the woman likes to do--in order to complete the task
of finding a companion--once that task is complete
and they get married--they mentally shift to the next task--

K--

would like to meet some men, but have not the first idea from where???

TR--What things do YOU enjoy doing?? What are YOU interested in?? do you volunteer? is there a cause you are some what passionate about? Go out and do things that interest YOU--and you will meet others who also enjoy doing those things--

If you go to church--get involved there--if you enjoy bowling--join a single's league--think about things you enjoy--and get out there and do them--that is the best way to meet someone--

And I'm sure I'll think of a few other things--
that I haven't mentioned--LOL

And Bill--Maybe you can get that book for you and your daughters to read--so they will learn how boy's should treat them when they start dating-- <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

<small>[ August 26, 2004, 08:38 AM: Message edited by: ThornedRose ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by ThornedRose:
<strong> "Dating, Intimacy and the Teenage Years" it's by Kark Duff


And Bill--Maybe you can get that book for you and your daughters to read--so they will learn how boy's should treat them when they start dating-- <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Thanks TR, I was pretty much relying on the "Dad with a baseball bat method for dating my daughters" but your idea works too.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Karona:
<strong> But, I am dying to know,
How have you met your dates??

I would like to meet some men, but have not the first idea from where??? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hi, Karona!

I have met my dates through a variety of ways. Let's see...I met one at a coffee shop I like and he was always there when I was there so we struck up conversation. I met one via internet dating and did not really like that option. I met one through an Expresso-date Singles event (go to a coffee shop, 15 men and 15 women, 3 minutes each--GO!). Heehee--that was adventurous! I met one by being introduced by a friend. I went on one date with a fella I knew that I liked but didn't feel breathless about--just thought I'd try it. And the fella I am currently seeing I met through the kids. His daugthers go to my daughter's school, and we kept going to parent events and noticing that the other was sitting alone--so at the most recent parent even I asked if I could sit with him. Ba Da Bing.


CJ

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by LostHusband:
<strong> OMG what did I do? I don't even remember being out in Colorado......... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">(Shaking head) Man, you have GOT to do something about those blackouts! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> BB, you know I have loved you WAY too long to be in love with you--plus you are WAAAAAAY too young for me. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> Haha--back atcha!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>Here's my only advise "take it S L O W !!!! I mean let's face it, like me, you're experiencing some emotions, thoughts, & feelings that have been buried for a long time. They feel good don't they? Take your time and experience all of them to the fullest and explore them. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Boy, I TOTALLY hear ya on this one. It has been a long time--never thought it would happen to me--and it's surprisingly fun. But, I will heed your wise advise and take it slow so I can enjoy it all. Also...for me, it's going to have to be slow for me to keep my brain engaged. I will say this though <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />


CJ

HMMMM, Very interestins CJ~~

I think I must live in the sticks. I have never heard of the Expresso event. I would be nervous wreck, I'm sure of that!
I have pondered the interenet thing though. I really wondered though, would the OP be honest?? Or just put a bunch of BS out there.
I would love to meet someone through my girls. I think that would be the most acceptable form.
My girls are not in to many activities, so that makes my chances slim!

I know I should take this time to work on me. The one thing I need more of is CONFIDENCE. Now, how do you get that when you don't have the opportunity grow in this area.
I have never had an easy time talking to men.
I'm not the flirty type, but still want to be noticed.

Many thanks to my X for creating the position I'm in!

I will watch for more excitement on your thread!
I love to read about the romance!!

Take Care,
K~

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by ThornedRose:
<strong> TR--I knew I should have gone to bed earlier--but yes, all of that--and if you think things are moving along to FAST for you--slow down

And even if you don't 'think' they are moving along to fast physically--but they seem to be moving fast emotionally--then take a step back--and get control over your emotions--so that your looking through clear glasses and not roase colored ones--</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">and

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>TR--Yes, which is why it's good to keep your emotions in check--and to step back occassionally and see where things are, where you think they are going, where he thinks they are going, and is that really where you want things to go?? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">So the big message I'm hearing here is to keep my emotions under control, which is cool because "yay for me"--over the course of this whole affair/divorce situation I did finally learn that I had the obligation to master my emotions. I have a duty to rule my feelings, my feelings do not rule me. So, this is a biggie. Yes, I feel a bit excited and gitchy, but as a mature adult, I can keep them in check.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>TR--Have you read any of the Boundaries books?? If not--do so--that will help you in your healing process of the past sexual abuse--there is even one boundaries in dating--one that you could also get for your children to read--as they are at that age-- </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes, I have read the Boundaries books, and they were the ones that helped me figure out that I need to have boundaries and set them. Also, as you know, here on MB several times people, posters, etc. would tell me that I need to have a boundary or enforce my boundary--but just saying those words and converting that into something that I can envision and understand were different things. It took me a little while and a lot of practice to get to a point that now I realize what a boundary violation is and know how to verbalize my boundary etc. Another good book for recovering from sexual abuse is "Courage to Heal" and the accompanying "Courage to Heal Workbook"!! EXCELLENT!!!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>TR--There is a book that is written for teenagers- about dating--"Dating, Intimacy and the Teenage Years" it's by Kark Duff--I bought it for my daughter to read BEFORE she can date--I skimmed through it at the store and was like WOW--I wish someone would have told me these things before--which is why it's now required reading for all of my kids before they can date--

... so you may find it helpful as well--just to get an idea of what it SHOULD be like-- </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Excellent Idea! Both of my kids are getting to that age, and since we are ALL THREE OF US getting to a point where dating is a topic, we can all go over it together. "Dating, Intimacy and the Teenage Years"...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>TR--So make a list of things you want and expect-- and things you don't want and don't expect to be in your relationships--write them down--that way when things come up you'll recognize it easier as a red flag or not-- </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Oh, I like this!! I'm a "list" kind of gal! It helps me get my mind straightened out when it's feeling a little jumbled. This will help a LOT!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>TR--Right!! And if he's respectful--He will accept your answer--and not try and push you to change it--he also won't be disrepectful by asking to many questions about what your other plans are--and trying to manipulate you to invite him along-- </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yeah, that is the way it was with my exH...disrespectful and manipulative. Now granted, as a spouse he had a reason to expect more accountability about my schedule, but I get what you're saying here--it shouldn't be possessive and I shouldn't be interrogated. Furthermore, manipulation is an ENORMOUS red flag.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>Now, another thing--you mentioned he's a father--how is his relationship with his kids?? what is it like?? How do they get along with him? How does he treat his mother? Does he have daughters, how does he treat them? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He has two daughters, slightly younger than my children. He's a devoted father, and frankly that's one of the things I really admire about him. His WW left the M years ago and basically left her D's as well (which is incomprehensible to me), and since then he has been really a hero for his girls. It's just cool to see! Yeah, at this point his priority is caring for and considering his girls, and if we can work out time to get together around his time with his girls, good. If not, the time for his girls is inviolate. The girls get along with him like pre-teen girls do. One is kinda frilly, daddy's girl, feminine--and the other is kinda more down-to-earth, sporty, independent. If I could choose a few words that seem do describe "how it is", I'd say "appreciative, underlying foundation of love, a little freedom, and responsible".

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>Another thing you could do--print out Harley's list of emotional needs-with the descriptions--even though your not married--or even thinking of marriage at this point--it's a tool you can use to see what needs are important to him--they will change over time as a relationship grows--but it can give you an idea about what's important to him--outside of marriage--and give you insight about who he is as a person--</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Oh, great idea! I am going to do this today!! I'm not seeing him again until Saturday, but ENs would be an EXCELLENT topic! YAY!!

Thanks TR!! Any more????


CJ

CJ-

It is so awesome to see your happiness and excitement. ThornedRose has the advice for you laid out so eloquently that I won't even try to top her. Just as everyone has said take it SLOW!!!! It is one thing to be cautious and trust your instincts when you're not to thrilled with the company. When the company is thrilling and exciting it is much easier to throw caution and wisdom to the wind. Enjoy this new person and all the feelings that go with it, but take it slow.

I wish you all the best.

Take care and God bless!
K

LostHusband,

I need to correct the authors name--it's Karl Duff
dang I shouldn't post when I'm tired--

--Thanks TR, I was pretty much relying on the "Dad with a baseball bat method for dating my daughters" but your idea works too.--

TR--LOL--Actually--that is your role, as the father to make sure the boy's know they answer to YOU when it comes to how they treat your daughters--because the father knows what the boy is thinking (as they have been little boy's that age before) they know *Boy's* aren't looking for a long lasting relationship--but to get whatever they can from a girl--

Where as little girls--are looking for a nurturing relationship--one that offers security--and boy's don't bond with girls through sex like girls bond w/ boy's through sex--and this book goes into detail about these things--so that girls are made more aware <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I wanted to add--a boy can only become a man emotionally and know how much he really loves a girl in order to bond with her--when he's given up his own desires--and has gone through some type of fire--in order to prove to himself he really loves her---

<small>[ August 26, 2004, 10:08 AM: Message edited by: ThornedRose ]</small>

Thanks TR for your input also.

You have good advice for me.

Yes, I do volunteer. Although, only at my D's school. It is an all woman environment.
I do like to walk, and go to the park daily.
Fall is getting into gear and many parents are there now with their kids playing ball.
I'm sure there are single dads out there, but how the heck could you ever meet them??

I will have to keep my eyes peeled for singles events!

Thanks again for your suggestions.
K~

FaithfulNewCJ,

--so that your looking through clear glasses and not roase colored ones--

TR-- <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> ROSE COLORED!!!

--So the big message I'm hearing here is to keep my emotions under control, which is cool because "yay for me"--over the course of this whole affair/divorce situation I did finally learn that I had the obligation to master my emotions. I have a duty to rule my feelings, my feelings do not rule me. So, this is a biggie. Yes, I feel a bit excited and gitchy, but as a mature adult, I can keep them in check.

TR--LOL--And as you begin to date as the NEW HEALTHY CJ--You'll begin to feel emotions in a way you've NEVER experienced before--the way they were intended to be felt--it can be overwhelming--Trust me--I know--I've been there--

In some way's it's like being a teenager all over again--emotionally--but in a new way--because your learning to trust your feelings--and not just run with them--as teenagers do--and you will be a role model in dating to your children--and learn what's acceptable and what's not--

For me--it was so strange feeling all of those emotions--as an adult--for the first time--in the way they should have been felt years ago--pure and innocent--

I learned a lot about myself--as a person--as a woman--as it was like going through my teenager years of dating for the first time--and growing past those overwhelming teenage emotions into a more mature adult relationship--and as my daughter was not yet at the dating age--

I think it was wonderful for me to experience those things when I did--because all the lessons *I* learned about healthy dating and relationships--are still fresh in my mind--so that I can guide her along--into a more healthy dating pattern--and my children get to see that lived before them now--so it may conteract some of the negative they witnessed before--

I notice my kids compare the differences between their dad--and step-dad--they see the respect their stepdad has towards me--and the lack of respect from their dad--their dad doesn't care if they are disrepectful--their stepdad does--and they comment on this--

even my son notices the differences--and I think he struggles the most--as he looks up to his dad as his male role model--and his step dad is in most ways total opposite--and so he struggles to figure out what type of man he wants to become--

<small>[ August 26, 2004, 10:51 AM: Message edited by: ThornedRose ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by FaithfulNewCJ:
<strong>I think I have a much better handle on what would be more healthy for me. But I am worried about falling head over heels and ignoring/not seeing red flags and stuff. I'm able to basically "list" the kinds of qualities that I'd like in a person. What I'm wondering about is, how do you keep your head on your shoulders and not get carried away with the excitement of it all??</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">First, as others have said, take things slow. If necessary, put explicit limits on how often you see a prospective partner and on how much time you spend together or talking.

Second, if you can, find one or more people who know you, and whose judgment you can trust, and use them as a sanity checker and accountability partner. Ideally, this would be someone who can interact with both you and your prospective partner so that they can see things for themselves instead of trusting you to be able to give reliable reports.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>How do I figure out limits...as they come up? How do I tell if my expectation is normal? Or if his is normal? Or if they are BOTH normal?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">As much as you can, set up limits ahead of time, rather than as the need comes up. If something comes up unexpectedly, be conservative, at least until you have a chance to think it through.

I'm not sure what you're referring to by "expectation," but I recommend sharing your expectations with your prospective partner, and not worrying about whether or not they are "normal." A better question is whether your expectations are healthy and whether they make sense in your unique context.

CJ, I realize that these questions and answers are more appropriate for a relationship that has already gotten considerably further along from where you are now, but I commend you for seeking to address these issues now, rather than waiting until it's too late.

Have fun, and may your quest for romance be less frustrating than mine...

CJ...

We both went through our divorce together and now it seems like we are both in the same boat...starting to become attracted to some one after all this time. I have a thread on EN and couldn't believe when I saw this one.

Definitely I should talk to you on IM as soon as I have the opportunity and you do too. Maybe we can once again help each other out through all the emotions!

Anna

CJ,

Reading though this post I am struck by a thought....


<img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> Ouch! Damn that hurt! stupid thoughts!

Ok, reading the replies gave me the feeling that the advice here is to keep it under control and well planned.

To be honest this runs counter to my idea of love and romance. To me love is an extreem.

Let's see if I can explain. In real life I do IT project management. All our projects are well planned and the results tend to be as expected. The better planning and controls we put on it the more it comes in on time and on budget.

But in doing so we loose something. We loose a measure of innovation.

Managing something is like taking antidepressants. It knocks the highs and lows off.

Love and romantic relationships in my opinion shouldn't be like that. To me I always love like there is no tomorrow. Rules don't apply and holding back is not in my vocabulary.

uh... lol I guess you know that <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

The best things (and I mean the very best) are those things that come by suprise.

Always try and leave a little room for serendipity to work it's magic.

I've read another dating thread in this forum and was shocked to see what went through some women's minds. This is one guy that will NEVER be that complicated.