I wokeup this morning feeling a lot better. I feel it's time to just let my husband go. Allow him to chase his fantasy and not stand in his way anymore.

I still do not want a divorce. I still love the man with all my heart. But right now he is not the man that cares about me at this time. Yes he may say "he will always care about me." But actions speak louder than words. Right now there is no care or love in his actions.

I think the more he feels I stand in his way or feels pressured by me to stop his affair the more he builds a wall around himself and it just makes him more determined to do what he wants to do. I just need to detach myelf from his chaos. I guess I find it hard to do though. Sometimes when he calls the boys I want to hear his voice or talk to him so bad. But when we talk we get into the same arguements. About R, OW and divorce. Right now he sees me as the reason for his unhappiness. Even though his own actions are causing it. Of course he can't see that.

Once I detach and let him alone then maybe he can see his affair for what it is. A fantasy that is hurting so many people. When I argue his feelings he just uses my pain and hurt to throw it back at me and justify his actions even more. So when I am letting him alone he only has himself to argue with. Who will he blame for his unhappiness then???

I still want him at the birth of the baby. I still want him to be a part of my life. But I cannot standby and allow him to continue to hurt and disrespect me. While showing another woman care, love and respect. Choosing her over his kids and me. One day he will see the pain that his actions has caused. And he will realize it probably wasn't worth it.

I have nothing to regret. I have stood by him, loved him, taken care of our child and my stepson, fought for my values and beliefs and never once did I even think about turning to someone else. I can hold my head high and I will move on with or without him. Yes it will be hard and I am sure I will stumble at times. But I don't want to fall back in my old patterns because it wasn't helping things. Now it's in my husbands hands. He has to find his way back to us. If not then it's his loss. And yes he is setup to lose so much

Hey,
This sounds so harsh. I'm sorry you're going through this. But what can you do?
I'm in a very similar situation. NO affair on either side, but my H thinks I have something to do wiht his unhappiness, says I make him miserable, and wants to divorce.
I don't want a divorce, but he has some fantasy that if we were more alike, if I had a career, if he knew what to expect from me, from life with me, that he'd be happier. It's not enough that he can expect me to be his wife through anything (I've already proven that), to love him no matter what (i've shown him that) and to no look out side the marriage for emotional needs (no offense to them, but his x-girlfriends all did that), and yada yada. He's like a fish in that he's hard to teach (the i ching gave me that analogy). So, convincing him of anything takes so much personal power and strength-- it's a battle. I do see the change in him, but his time frame for improvement is much faster than mine.
I haven't been only loving and supportive. I wish I could say I stood by him and always have been a steadfast supporter of him, but I haven't. I said things and did things.... we both did. I figure it's water under the bridge.
We had a great June, nice July, even a very nice August. Then we had one month of fighting, and he wants a divorce.
How qickly we withdrew all the love in our emotional bank accounts that we had been socking good feelings away in for the whole summer.
I guess I won't stand in his way, either. He thinks he needs to be alone, thinks he'll have it better with someone else.
I know I won't. I"ll have it different, but not better. NOt really. But I do think WE could hvae it better. I see the way for me to do that on my end.
BUt it's up to him. I can't sell him what he doesn't want to buy.
My heart goes out to you and your little ones. Keep being someone you can be proud of, and hold your babies dearly.
LC

LC,
I read your response and felt like you were in my current marriage. My husband also has left (3wks) and is totally detacted from family. He also blames me and his family for his current feelings. He keeps saying he has lost himself trying to please others. My only problem right now is he will not talk to me. I am fearful he will push for separation papers which will lead to divorce. This I absolutely do not want.
Lonely