Well, the D has been final since July. And I've been thinking I've been progressing fairly well. But.... (and isn't there always a big 'but' on these things? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> )

The problem I seem to have is that my mind just gets stuck in this rut. I don't want my XH back - in fact, I can't think of anything I want much less than that. But it seems everytime I get to where I'm not thinking about this whole mess every minute of the day anymore, he contacts me.

Now I'm not contacting him back in any way. And up until now I haven't had to see him, though that may change this weekend, since it seems he has decided to start coming back to church.... maybe. We'll see if it was more than a one-time thing.

But the problem isn't him - it's me. Yes, I can see I still hurt somewhat about the "what could have been," but I've been doing a pretty good job, most of the time, of keeping busy with other things and just getting on with my life again. And in general enjoying my life a lot.

But then he contacts me. And it seems for a good 2 weeks or so after that, I get slightly depressed (not majorly, and I am already on ads). But more than that, my mind gets obsessed: what's going on with him, can I find out any new information, looking for just general information about infidelity and affairs and such. I don't think I even know really what I'm looking for - maybe just to reassure myself again that I'm not the only one this has ever happened to, that it does get better, ...

It's just frustrating. I have trouble concentrating on my work, getting anything done at home, remembering things I need to remember. After about 2 weeks or so, I seem to get back on track and am ok again. Of course, that seems to only last for about a week before he contacts me again, and it starts all over again. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

I've changed my home and cell numbers - the only way he can contact me is via e-mail or at my work number, and if he calls at work I let the voicemail get it. (I really don't want to change the e-mail at this point - I bought a domain name so I wouldn't have to change it!) But even if I did cut out all contact through those means, it now appears that wouldn't be enough. I have to be prepared to see him every Sunday. And changing churches is not really a good option for me - I'm VERY involved in my church, and they are my second family, the only "family" I have in this area. And I was going there for almost 5 years before I ever met him.

I just want to cut that part of my brain out so I don't think about him or any of this stuff again, so I can concentrate on work and all the other stuff I've always loved doing (reading, crafts, computers, music - all stuff I'm having a whole lot of trouble concentrating enough to do these days.)

Any suggestions? I know part of it is my personality. I don't give up easily - I have always been extremely good at thinking my way around problems. But that's a liability this time. This is a problem that I can't "solve" or "fix," but my mind is still trying to find the answer.

And if you made it through all that...whew... thanks! Any help would be appreciated.

<small>[ January 07, 2005, 09:34 PM: Message edited by: penguin ]</small>

Hi penguin. I don't know if I can help or not but I wanted to respond because I have just gotten past the same kind of episode that you are describing.

I am in the D process right now but have been separated for two years. I was doing very well up until a few weeks ago. Mainly because of the holidays I began to have more contact with my STBXW than I had anytime in the last six months.

It caused me to get caught up in the same kind of things as you described. Wondering what she was up to, obsessing about the D and the past. I completely lost focus for about two weeks. I have finally come out of it and feel much better.

The hardest part for me to accept in this whole thing is the idea that I have no control over what someone else does. It drives me nuts sometimes!

There are two things that have really helped me to get past this and keep me from falling into the trap again. One is simply the "stop sign" method that so many have talked about. When I first heard the concept I thought it was silly and simplistic. But it really does work if you use it enough for it to become a habit. I didn't realize how much I obsessed about things until I first started using this. I've never seen so many stop signs!

The most helpful thing to me overrall has been the development of a real relationship with God. This is a fairly recent development for me, just over the last eight weeks or so. I didn't even know what that meant before, but since I "got it" it's truly been a great thing in my life.

You've only been D since July so your feelings are very normal. After all the analyzing and educating myself I've done it still amazes me how LONG it takes to truly recover from this. I know the ending of a M is huge, but the amount of trauma involved still seems to be more than it should be at times. GOOD LUCK TO YOU!

Thanks, Starman! I don't think I'd seen anything about the stop sign method before - though based on what you said, I'm sure I understand the idea. Everytime I realize I'm doing it, just visualize a huge stop sign, right? Repeat until you make yourself move on. I'll give it a try.

And I can say - all of this has actually brought me a lot closer to God. But I guess I am doing my usual.... following the old saying "when all else fails, pray." Problem is, praying should be the FIRST thing to try, huh? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> I know it, it's just hard to make my stubborn self remember sometimes.

I know it hasn't been a real long time for me. At the end of the month, it will be two years since we separated. Given a 10 year marriage (well, 11 if you count the last year when we were separated) that's really not that long. The problem is, I need to do something about this problem, at least as far as work is concerned. I am fortunate that I have very understanding management, but understanding only goes so far, you know. I just can't afford to keep having trouble functioning two week out of the month. I have deadlines to meet, and a team to lead. Even if I can't get my concentration back in my personal life yet, I'd settle for getting it back at work for the time being, you know?

BTW - you said one other thing that really gets to me. It's only been recently myself that it dawned on me that this is exactly that - a trauma. I don't know why it took me so long to see that, considering that I'd said all along I felt it would have been easier if he had died than going through this. But I guess it's just because the world doesn't see it that way. I've heard "well, things happen," and it made me mad, because this didn't just happen, my X decided to be with OW rather than working on our problems. And I've heard " you're better off," which in some ways is true - I didn't realize how much emotional abuse my X had put me through until all of this happened (not that I blame him for everything...)

But to most of the world, it seems like divorce is just no big deal anymore, and everyone expects me to be over it by now. The world doesn't see it as so much a trauma - just the way things go these days.

Well, thanks again for the suggestions - I'll give them a try! And good luck to you too.... sounds like you are heading the right way!

Well, in a way I'm glad I don't feel alone in the obsessing. Then again I'm sad you guys still go through it, especially so long after.

My divorce has only started 4 mos ago when my Husb. moved out & moved in with his g/f leaving me and our 3 week old son with nothing.

I would look for every bit of info I could. He's in a rock band so I'd find pics of him & his g/f on the net. Also pics of her photography etc on the net.

My husb. actually had denied they were involved even though they were living together. First he said he had an apt. alone & didn't want me to know where it was because he didn't want me to come over and freak out when there was a girl there. Well, I let him know I knew the apt. wasn't his it was Cheryls. (She's listed in last years phone book at that address.) So, then he tells me they're just roommates. So I go to one of his shows and they were together and left together & his friends said he went home to "get laid."
Ok, theres no way to misread that one right?

He still denied it! It wasn't until his bosses wife called me to tell me about one of her love notes that he left up onscreen at work that he finally admitted it. Now he says they were just roommates at first but "she grew on me."

Now it's "She gives me everything I need, everything you couldn't." etc. etc.

When he lies and lies and I know better, how can I not seek out proof?

I just moved out to separate. I have been trying the "stop" the thought method to keep from obsessing too about what could have been, if I think of the good times and what could have been too much it'll tempt me to go back and there's been violence in my marriage and so much hurt. And I have a child, and need peace away from him.

I too am getting closer to God. I found that if I keep the radio on Christian music or talk shows it helps, there's so much wisdom in every sermon I hear, seems like everyone is talking to me as I am in a mini crisis right now, well maybe it's a major crisis that's gone on in this four year marriage. I need to move my horse here to the town I'm moving to, I find my horse hobby helps with stress, there's healing to horses and animals. I think maybe a dog or cat would help too right? Other things I will do, go to church, run/exercise, try to find a support group here locally, trips to see my dad who's dying of cancer, talk to old friends who are being very supportive, and my mom, maybe hire one of those shrinks again to pay to listen to me go on and on, but I want to move on with this mentally. I don't think you can without working through it, but when it's not the time like at work I do think the thought stopping process works some. STOP that thought, focus on work, if not go for a walk. Allow yourself so much time to obsess. Say ok, I'll allow myself 10 minutes to think about him, that's it. Period. Then use the STOP method.

I hope I can get through this. I don't know right now. It's good to see others dealing with the same issues to know I'm not alone. It's very very hard to separate and get a divorce. Not the best time in my life either, baby, dying dad, business to run. I have to focus on work, I dont' have a choice. It's my company. And the baby, and my dad. My husband needs to be low on the list as he's been a jerk. It gives him power if I think of him too much...