</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> WGTT,

I know you have mentioned Al Anon to me before--but I just can't fit anything more into my schedule at the moment....But I will investigate it--maybe this summer. Do you go even tho you don't have anyone with a problem at the time--will they deal with past issues (exH). I think deep down I am starting to believe OW and ex's blame for what went wrong in the marriage---I know it is not true, but I have to tell my heart that it isn't. I really do miss the fun times---and I miss having my family whole and together. He has a lot of problems, and alcohol is a biggy--but I really think it is hiding other issues. 4. He sures tries to act happy around me tho---if I hadn't of heard those conversations---I think this would have killed m</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hi Pat,

Alanon is for friends and families of alcoholics, whether they live with you or not. Over the years, we are affected little by little and hardly notice what it is doing to us. Alanon can bring serenity, peace of mind, and a new outlook on life. It's all about relationships, and is well worth it even if your don't know any alcoholics!! ( Who doesn't these days!)

It took me 15 years from the time I first set my feet in the doors of alanon to decide it was for me, FOR ME. Bramble Rose and Pep showed me in their posts how they responded to life and it was different than mine. They had a calmness, a peacefullness that I wanted. So in the summer of 2002, I immersed myself in the program. I did what was suggested to me and it worked. It worked better than I could ever have imagined. I am at peace with myself and have serenity no matter what goes on around me.

The summer is good - think of it as R & R. It's so refreshing to be able to talk about feelings and feel totally supported and loved. Go enough to give it a chance. If you want post before you go & let those of us who have been there, guide you. Let's try will probably chime here.

(((((((Pat))))))) I know it's hard. MY husband is back at home since 1-9-05. He said I'm a great Mom, but he doesn't feel anything for me as a wife and may want a dv. I said OK - it's not what i want, but if you choose to do so, I'll be OK because I have a God who is bigger than my circumstances. He admitted that he didn't love himself and he had blamed me for a lot. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> Ya think!!!! So far he has been dependable, is starting to rebuild his R with the kids ( the boys anyway 18YO D is freaked) Everyone is watching his actions which seem to be OK. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

So, I take each day at a time, trusting God to take care of me, which He always does.

Blessings,

D. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Dear WGTT,

I will definitely keep your advice for this summer. I would love to have that peacefulness also.

I have joined a wonderful vibrate church though....even the kids don't argue when we go--a plus!!! It is nice to be spiritually fed after all this mess. I always leave feeling so calm. If I could only stay that way throughout the week <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

I will keep you and your family in my prayers--hopefully he comes around. Rebuilding is awfully hard---I know I did it a number of times. Whichever way it goes, you sound so strong and peaceful....for that I am glad for you.

Through all of this I have realized how blessed I am to have the family I do and loving friends. Losing our student this week has once again reminded me of how short our stay is here on earth, and I want my remaining 20-30 years to be years filled with showing the people I love how much I love them.

I have got to run to the commisary---take care and thanks for thinking of me. Pat

Pat...

I don't know what to say. You are wonderful. You lived with a bad guy. We both did. But you can't focus on the past anymore. Your name is Pat...don't add an s to it ok? You are a vibrant woman with a whole future ahead of her.

It is natural to miss what is familiar. I did. Sometimes I do. But rarely anymore. What helped was the old rubber band trick. Wore it a long time. I took a ponytail holder and put it on my wrist. When I had a "hallmark" moment and thought about the good times (which were not that many) with the x, I would snap the fire outta that band on my wrist. Then I would immediately think of how I felt the day I filed. Why I filed. It is a kind of reinforcement to get you outta stinkin' thinkin'.

I changed my byline today. You weathered a storm. But we're here to tell you that my dear..you're riding and are the FEMALE CAPTAIN of a ship which is NOT going to sink. It is not.

New year...new you.

Get to it. I am.

Gonna go to the gym today now that the ice has melted. Work thru the stress...

And it will subside. Your pain will lessen over time. But you're dating. You found a pretty darn good guy. Don't mess up the present by making the past seem better than it was...that was told to me by my best friend. She was pretty darn right on about that one. So I am passing it onto you.

I love ya and am rooting for you. You will get thru this tough spell ok? Just get going working on you again, talk to us, talk to a counselor if needed, AD's, and there's nothing like a good makeover or a new eyeshadow or something small like a new perfume to make me feel a little better. Go work out. Get a great book. Do what I did being stuck in the ice for a while...make some hot herb tea, read the really good book, read in front of a fire, and have a bubble bath later on. My married sister confessed to me that "I never have time to do that stuff...gosh If I could just do that...I am so ENVIOUS of you...being able to have some ME time." Send the kids downstairs or out for an hour or two. Or after they go to bed. You get a little me time because there's not somebody else...a spouse to take care of when the kids are in bed. And my sis is soooo wishing sometimes she could be like me...read a book, make some tea, sip it by the fire, and have a bubble bath because I just want to do it. Find some "guilty little pleasures" of your own. My aunt told me to do this. Very wise woman who was widowed early in her life and spent seven years sad and alone and navigated successfully the dating world in Los Angeles and met a wonderful man seven years later. To this day, (in her 70's now) she has "guilty little pleasures" when her husband is away. She taught me to have them now. She had to embrace her suddenly singlehood. She thought she'd be alone forever.

She worked at a phone company as an operator. She saved and scrimped. But she still found time for a few "guilty little pleasures" now and then. She didn't buy alot of clothes, but bought ones that "made me look cute and made me feel good". She saved. Went to design school. (and she was NOT a young schoolgirl when this happened ok?). Graduated and began an interior design business. Did something she wanted to do. Decided she WOULD make it. Then the funny thing happened. She did make it. Her business boomed. She had to literally turn down dates left and right...(even in design school)...she had more time and money for her "guilty pleasures". And she was transformed into the graceful, happy, adjusted, wonderful woman she is today. God had to shape her thru adiversity. It was part of the plan. Yes, her husband died, and she was alone away from her family. But she made it. And it was in a time when women had harder struggles than now.

Pat you can do it. As my Aunt tells me..."do 3 specail things for other people today..and have 3 little guilty pleasures for yourself...gotta keep life balanced."

My 3 guilties: good book, gym, good hot tea. Most of time it's that. Sometimes I substitute. Could be pedicure. Could be outdoor run. Could be reading with fire on. You get creative.

And find the 3 things special and good to do for somebody else. I try to post here as one. To help my buddies out. Other times I will call old friends, or smile at a stranger. Open a door for an elderly person or help them out. Get creative with that. It's kinda like karma and faith in action daily.

God's with you. You're not gonna sink.