The battle continues ---

Raging in the corner of the ex: his attorney claims he wants visitation. It's been more than three years since he's seen the kids (or made any attempt to see them).

May 2, 2001 he left - no forwarding address, no contact until into June. His boss called me demanding that *I* go to marriage counseling. His boss set up counseling with my pastor, and over a four month period I met with the counselor several times, accepted the required "dates" and did all the homework requested. He was on several occasions late, or didn't show for counseling sessions, did none of the homework, and called at the last minute for EVERY one of the required dates - often starting off with "I finished XYZ early and don't have anything better to do, wanna go to dinner?" I cringed, but agreed to go (at the counselors suggestion) because marriage is sacred to me and I wanted to make it work. Not once during those sessions did he ask about the kids, make any comments about being interested in their whereabouts, or offer/request to see the kids. I invited him to the house several times, on one occasion he did come to the house and threw a temper tantrum when one of the kids handed him his mail (including bills). After the counseling ended (counselor indicated that until ex was interested in making some changes, there wasn't much I or C could do to make the marriage work) the next visits are listed below (paraphrased from my journal):

Late November 2001, he called and wanted to stop by in five minutes. The kids were gone, and I couldn't reach them. They'd left the cell in the car while they were shopping for a few last minute things/decorations for Thanksgiving. Older daughter had been going to the store - I was baking pies, all the kids wanted to go - so they were not here. I told him, suggested he schedule a later time, he said, "Just call them to come home, I'll be there in a few minutes." They didn't make it home before he had to leave. He was upset. They had done their shopping decided to order pizza for dinner (evening before Thanksgiving) and rent a movie - so it had taken them a while. (NO, I wasn't worried. I knew that was a possibility if they had money left over.)

Christmas Eve 2001, he called wanted to drop off presents, would be by in five minutes. Five minutes passed. Kids were planning to leave for a last minute shopping trip. I had originally planned to go - but they were just getting my gift - so... Two hours after he called, the kids left to go get their shopping done, I stayed home to wrap gifts (our afternoon was slipping away and we had a family gift exchange that evening). He came by shortly after the kids left. Was unhappy that they weren't here, but left the gifts and went on his way.

Early January 2002 - My son's birthday party, we had family over, his friends, and party stuff - including pizza, birthday cake, etc. he called wanted to 'stop by'. (He'd never wanted to be at birthday parties - had spent our entire married life telling me that he was NOT going to be forced to celebrate - so he hadn't been invited.) I told him we were having the party, and he said it didn't matter he was coming over. He came. Son was playing a game at the table and other kids were playing too. He came in and sat on the couch, several times we offered pizza, cake, punch, etc. He sat on couch the whole time he was here, took no cake, no pizza, no punch, and didn't participate in the party - just sat on the couch.

Mid January 2002 - My daughter's birthday - she wanted to go skating so we had her party at the skating rink with her friends. Cake, punch, 14 - 12 year olds, pink balloons, her sister and her brothers, and two of their friends, skated for about five hours, we ended up at the bowling alley, and eventually out for pizza with more friends. We got home about midnight and there was a message from ex. He'd been trying to call all day, couldn't reach us, we were to call when we got home. She called, no answer.

Following Sunday, he called, coming over in five minutes. I explained that daughter and I were both sick with the flu, stayed home from church, would be better if he came over the following week. He came anyway. OD and boys were at church, after church had gone out for lunch and grocery shopping for me. They didn't come home until later in the afternoon. He came by, noticed and commented about the boys and OD not being there. I said they went to church and out for dinner. He gave younger daughter her birthday gift and asked about where she was on her birthday. She said she had a skating party. He asked her why he wasn't invited. She told him that he'd never wanted to attend her other parties, didn't figure that was any different. He asked me some questions, and I gave short answers (I was making soup broth for us for lunch) because I didn't feel like visiting. He got angry and slammed out the door, walked to his truck, and I was standing at the kitchen sink. He looked back several times, like he thought we should follow and drove away spinning his tires on the pavement as he left.

From that day to this - we haven't seen him or heard from him except for court appearances and mediation when he's met with me only - no kids.

He filed for "custody" of the kids. Then during mediation said he didn't want custody - either legal or physical. Stated that he works 7 AM - 9 PM 7 days a week 52 weeks a year and doesn't have time to visit them. BUT... he wanted me to drop them off at his place one day a month at 7 AM and pick them up before 9 PM so he could meet with them for lunch or maybe a long lunch hour if he had time. He wants NOTHING to do with older daughter (she isn't biologically his - but has no other father) and has questioned the paternity of younger daughter (just during this divorce proceeding/custody battle). His attorney indicated at one point that he wanted a DNA on all the kids.

Current status --- he has not paid any child support for over three years, court date is set for April, his attorney has demanded that X and him, my attorney and myself meet to negotiate/mediate a solution on child support/visitation. Ex has stated he will pay NO child support if he doesn't see the kids. The kids have NO INTEREST IN SEEING HIM - none. They don't want to see him EVER (their words). I see no logical reason to force them to visit him, considering that he's made no attempts to visit them in over three years, and his last attempts to visit were not in any way conducive to actually spending time together.

Everything that has been stated so far indicates that he believes it is my responsibility to make them call him and they should call him if they want to see him - they do not.

My attorney indicated that the judge will give him visitation without child support - if I don't agree to these meetings they are requesting.

Can anyone give me some thoughts-ideas-perspective on this that makes some sense? At this point, I can't imagine any judge would give him consideration of a phone call, let alone visitation or custody. And I don't see him EVER paying any CS, ordered or not ordered - because he has stated repeatedly that he will leave the country before he pays anything.

I don't have unlimited legal funds (he does have unlimited legal funds) --- I'm tired of the BULL SH*T that is going on --- can someone please give me some insight here? What's the purpose???

Jan

Wow, what a nice guy.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

I thought my XH was bad because he only sees his daughter every couple months now. Although he is supposed to have her every other weekend, he, like your XH thinks it's my responsibility to make her call him, or that she should WANT to call him. And a couple times he's wanted at the very last minute to see the kids (our son is now in college away from home so is very hard to catch). Of course, having teens, you and I both know how hard it is to coordinate anything. They're not toddlers. They have busy lives that don't just go on hold waiting for "dad" to show up.

Anyway, in answer to your issues...

I don't have the experience that most posters on here have. All I know from my recent DV proceedings is that at least in my state, Child Support and visitation really aren't connected.

The non-custodial parent is required to pay child support to the custodial parent. Granted, there are laws that govern the visitation rights granted to the non-custodial parent. But when it comes right down to it, just because my teen-age daughter may choose not to want to see her father (and thus make herself unavailable), this does not preclude him from having to pay child support.

On the other hand, regardless if a parent is current on their child support or they're way behind, they are still allowed to see their children. It's just up to Child Support Recovery or whomever to try and garnish the wages or withhold from taxes the back child support owed.

Not sure if this helps, but my guess is that he will be granted visitation rights. However, I don't see that it's YOUR responsibility to make sure he and the kids get together (though you also can't, on purpose, prevent it from happening). From everything I read, I assume your kids are all either pre-teens or teens. It's really something between him and his kids at this point.

On the other hand, I think he SHOULD be paying you child support. And if he leaves the country, that's his loss, because then he has NO shot at seeing his kids.

LL

the kids are preteen/teens.

I have thought of various ways to get statements to the court by them -including letters to the judge - but I'm not sure that will work - Deps, might. I'll suggest that to my attorney.

Honestly, I have some serious doubts about my attorney's sincerity. I really feel like I'm not getting straight up service - his advice is dead on - I know the law. But I think he should be a bit more "on my side" if you know what I mean?

Jan

Seeking:

It looks like you've done a good job with documentation. That will help. I'm assuming that you live in a no-fault state; which makes it tougher for you in this instance.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Honestly, I have some serious doubts about my attorney's sincerity. I really feel like I'm not getting straight up service - his advice is dead on - I know the law. But I think he should be a bit more "on my side" if you know what I mean? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Attorney's are like any other profession; there are good and not so good. There are also plenty of them. I suggest you find another attorney ASAP. If you're not confident with the one you've got; you will question everything done. Look at it like this: Your kids are your priority. Your attorney is a tool to help you & your kids. If the tool you have is not getting the job done - get another tool! Good Luck!

FR

Advice: Fire attorney. I stuck with mine because they said things I believed. Said alot. But did NOt deliver.

Fire them. Your x owes CS and alot. He has to pay if he wants to or not. Your attorney is being stupid.

If my attny today said that to me, he'd be fired. And I would question the validity of anything else they said to me either! You pay for a professional to fight for your and your kids' rights. They're going paws-up on this one. Lying down on the job if you ask me.

fire them asap! Get referrals and get a bulldog. Go to court and get this jerk on a short chain by the judge. He's a dog anyway.

What a jerk for a dad. I am sorry you and the kids have gone thru this? I am guessing dad had an affair and left for another chickiepoo? Sounds familiar. They want to pay less, have more freedom. Call sign of a very wayward spouse.

Peachy ---

Part of my problem is finding an attorney... I live in the middle of nowhere. My X's sisters are attorneys, and I can't seem to find one who will take the case --- it's really been a mess.

Anybody know a bulldog licensed to practice Law in Colorado?

About the affair - he didn't leave for her - no clue what his issue was other than he didn't want the responsibility of being a father or a husband. He started moving out the day we got married, after 12 years he finally took his clothes.

Jan

<small>[ January 26, 2005, 12:06 PM: Message edited by: seekingjoy ]</small>

(((((Jan)))))

This sucks. No advice really; I'm doing what I can to stay out of court myself. He can afford it, I cannot. He's got one of those radical father's rights attorneys and is suspect of my every parenting choice.

I mainly have to worry about my son still hating me when he's old enough to have a say in who he lives with. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Here in Michigan, child support and visitation are independent of each other... allegedly so vindictive moms can't keep the kids from seeing poor dads. Yet they'll throw a dad in jail if he misses a few payments... odd system.