HI folks, I just had one of those experiences that shows how much fun divorce can be. While my ex merrily carries on with the OM, I am starting to explore the world of middle aged dating.

I have been dating a rather nice woman for over a month. A few days ago, over dinner, she casually mentions that she takes medication to prevent outbreaks of the herpes virus. I like her and she has a lot of good qualities. But, I also know that there is no sure way to prevent getting infected.

Now I get to figure out what I must do. What fun!

While I certainly see you point, I feel kind of bad for the woman.

I guess what I was thinking was, what if her X was the slime, and she got it innocently from him.

It's a shame if that were the case, and she has to carry that with her the rest of her life.

I hope I don't encounter this, but if I thought someone might have potential and I really cared for them, I think I would talk to a doctor to see what the options were.

That sure gives us all something to think about!

At this point in our lives, I'm sure we will come across more senarios then when we started out in the whole dating scene.

Best of luck to you!
K.

JE, I'm not divorced yet but someone asked me the other day what would I do if I were in the position where sex was on the horizon. I said I'd get tested for STDs & would expect the other person to as well. I see though that one problem is that you likely already have an emotional attachment to the new person in your life & the fact that there may be issues with STDs can't be the only criteria for continuing in a relationship with them or not.

This is not something I look forward to facing.

Hmm. I could be that woman. Except I'm not dating 'cause I'm still married. That is my nightmare. I will have to tell any man I get serious about about the herpes.

When do you tell? The first date? Well that would make it seem like I'm expecting to ... you know. Wait too many dates and if the man says "No thanks," I might be really hurt. So might he.

I think I'll stick to personals for herpes victims. I did get it from my h and not some OM.

I don't know what to tell you. I know if I had a choice, I probably wouldn't have continued the relationship. I knew I was susceptible to the virus because I had the non-gentital kind very badly twice in my life. I mean can't eat anything for two weeks. Unfortunately, I wasn't informed. I have lot of outbreaks if I don't take suppression meds.

Some people though only have outbreaks twice a year.

Let me know what you decide. I'm curious.

Although your dismay is understandable, dont fault the gal until you know the whole story. Ever heard of rape?! It happens to the best of us and we sure don't deserve it. If you truly care about her, contact a doctor and find out what your options are.

Well - Give her credit for telling you upfront.

My 1st husband had it and it never posed a problem. We used condoms faithfully and this sounds crazy but if he was just getting over an outbreak the guy used 2 condoms. How's that for being safe..

I believe my WH has herpes - though, he has not admitted this..I found a bottle of Valtrex and he has been with MANY other women. I won't bother to ask since we aren't having SF anyway..and really, he'd probably lie about that too.

I do wonder though, if he does have it, does he tell the MOW, OW he's got it..Or is he so screwed up that he doesn't care if he passes it on or not.

Does it matter if this women got it from a WH, rape, casual sex..Not IMHO, what matters is can you accept the risk, will you be able to have safe sex ALL THE TIME??

My first husband - got it intentionally from a women that was mad that he was cheating on her..so she deliberately, had unprotected sex w/him to "punish" him..How's that for a scorned women..............

OK, Justin.....

I read this post yesterday, and was so angry about it, I chose not to post a response until I better understood my feelings.

My initial first thought was "What a judgemental man with a crappy attitude. What if he had something that would affect him for the rest of his life? How would he bring it up? Or would he just keep it hidden from another person?"

The words 'judgemental, callous, and insensitive' came to mind.

Then I realized I was reacting to your post. After thinking about it last night, I really can't say any of that because I don't truly know you. And I apologize for my reactive emotions.

Here's the meaning behind my reaction (after many hours of thought..... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> ).

She obviously has herpes.....whether she likes it or not. For her to have accepted it, and to have the moxie to be upfront about it - well, to me, that is more than admirable. It shows she has accepted it, she will not let it control her life, and she is willing to be honest and forthright about it. Kudos to her! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

But here's the deeper part of it. In her life, it is baggage. It is something she will have to carry around for the rest of her life. Don't we all have some sort of baggage?

I'm almost positive that we all have something that we have had to accept was part of our life. We all have something that we will not let control our happiness. And those of us who want a relationship built on trust and honesty will be forthright with our future partners.

Infidelity is baggage. Children are baggage. Past marriages and relationships are baggage. We ALL have baggage.

So, IMVHO, the best thing for you to do at this point would be to ask if you are ready to have a serious relationship with someone who has 'baggage.' And if so, wouldn't you want them to accept your baggage? Perhaps after you figure that part out, your feelings might be different. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" />

__________________________________________________

On a side note, I worked for an OB/Gyn during college....here are some tidbits about herpes....if there is no current outbreak, there is approximately a 1 in 100 (1%) chance of contracting the virus if you do not use protection. Avoid contact if there is a current outbreak. If you use a condom, your chances of contracting the virus are very slim due to the fact that you have to actually touch the infected sore. So if you avoid SF during outbreaks, and use a condom, the chances of you being infected are dramatically decreased.

Sorry about the harshness of my initial reactions. I hope you understood my perspective, and I hope this was able to help..... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" />

Good luck, Justin.

Whoa. I don’t think Justin was being judgmental. A woman he’s been dating for only a month admitted to having a contagious, incurable virus. Justin faces a choice. He never said she was a slut or anything like that. He just seems to be questioning whether he wants to risk contracting herpes if he continues to deepen his relationship with the woman.

If I start dating, I’m sure anyone I get close to will go through the same thing.

Justin, one option is to keep seeing her and NOT have sex unless you marry her. The biggest risk of herpes is being in the position your date and I am in: alone with “baggage” as L.I.T. put it. If you marry the woman and get the disease, it’s controllable and not a big deal. You each have it. It’s only when you contract it and then the relationship doesn’t work out that you have a mess of problems. Valtrex works great by the way.

GG,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Then I realized I was reacting to your post. After thinking about it last night, I really can't say any of that because I don't truly know you. And I apologize for my reactive emotions.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I realized after my initial reaction that ' reaction ' was exactly what my feelings were. I was reacting to the tone of the post....most likely b/c I have been the WS, and I imagine that any future gentleman I meet will have a similar reaction....because of my past.

This is why I apologized for my initial reaction. I am not saying Justin is judgemental. Rather, I am saying that is how I interpreted his tone.

I only included those reactions in my post because it might benefit someone to know how a 'tone' or 'perspective' can influence someone's initial feelings.

The gist of the post was meant more to help him focus on his decision on whether or not he wants to take this on.......rather than focus on "The fun world of being divorced - NOT".

Sorry if my post implied otherwise.

Thanks for the responses. I do not blame or fault her in any way for having the virus. What bothers me is that I have always followed the straight and narrow path in regards to girlfriends and sex. Before my marriage it was one woman at a time, whether or not sex was involved. Durring my marriage I was always faithful to my wife and we enjoyed the benefits of not having to worry about 'protection' at any time (I did not know about her messing around, of course).

Having followed the path of cautiousness and reaped its rewards, I must now decide if I wish to take a risk, however small, of getting this disease. If I knew I was going to marry her, I would not let the virus stop me or change a thing. But, we are a long way from even considering marriage. The idea of having to tell another woman in the future that I have the virus, is very fearful. It's enough of a struggle to find a person worth the time and effort to develop a relationship with. To add this additional burden, is something that I don't think I can handle.

Yet, I like her.

Justin

This is sticky for me. I am in health care. I will say as of today that there but for the grace of God go I, but I would NOT date somebody with an STD. Especially if you're wanting kids anytime soon. I know...it's tough to say that...but if you really love the person then docs can work thru that issue and even in childbearing.

And yes, I remember the day I broke down at a doc's office back home...a doc I am friends with. And begged him to test me for everything known to man. He started tearing up, as we were friends for many years and he was even at my wedding. He said "if the bas#ard gave you something, I'll take my five iron upside his head". And we had blood drawn that day. And I had a subsequent test six months later on a return visit home. Thankfully I am negative. But I do know I want another child and will be careful who it is with. In a perfect world, we want somebody with no baggage or as little as possible, and be somebody health and happy. And valtrex and other anti virals are good.

One of my best friends from college caught herpes from her college bf. He cheated on her. And she had outbreaks ands still does about 3x a year. She has had one child. Child was fine, but there was lots of precautions and it was rough. To this day, she swears at her xbf.

As of today, I can say I don't think I would get "down to business" with anybody who had anything contractible. Just how I feel.

Justin,

You already know the answer don't you? No one wants herpes. I would definitely pass and look elsewhere.

Interesting responses.
Justin, based on you profile, I'd guess you won't want more children, and that the woman in question is close to your age.
If so, her damage is not much different than ours. We have the scarlet D, while she has a medically definable affliction. How many of us are still walking wounded from our D's? We've recovered immensely, but still carry the scars.
Is it contagious - you bet. If we haven't dealt with our demons, we may repeat our past mistakes, or worse yet, make our new spouses pay for the mistakes of others.
You are at a life point where you can make choices. Do you have a good platonic relationship with this person? Would you be sad if this ended? Can you be passionate knowing about this disease? There are more questions around this issue than we've covered.
And so many of us have had mistrust in the past and had to get tested, that I find it immensely reassuring that this person broached this subject with you early on.

Consider what you want out of life.

This would not even be an issue for me.

I'm one of those old-fashioned guys who actually believes God intended sex to be reserved for marriage. So in the dating arena, an STD would make no difference at all.

For me to consider marrying a woman, I would have to be really passionate about her at every level. And I would have to really love her. The necessity of dealing with an STD would be sad, but it would not merit even a second's consideration when it came to making a decision about marriage.

i am not sure what i would do in this sitch...i value my health....and i certainly would not want to get an STD like this over a 1 month old fling....wait a while....see if you feel the same in 6 months, if so, this could be a permanent thing and the risk with precautions in place my be worth it