Most of my story is written in "living with uncertainty", but here it goes.

I have been married for just over a year, but have been together for 9. 3 months into our marriage my H started having an affair. I found out after it had been going on for 6 months. Not because he came clean, but because I found out. He in the beginning had said he was sorry, and he wanted to work things out, but I was doing all the work. I for a long time, before finding this web site was using every "love buster" I think there is. Now I realize all the things I was doing wrong. I went to counseling for months, but I never felt like I was getting anything out of it. He went to counseling once with me and it was a disaster. Now he will not go back.

Up until recently he would never tell me any reasons for what he did. I started to truly believe that he did not know why. Some of the things he has been honest with now are, I was too controlling, (cannot deny), I wanted things too perfect, (cannot deny), I turned him away sexually (cannot deny).

In the few weeks following his honesty, he tells me there is no hope for our relationship that he wants a divorce and he is moving out. Weeks go by and he does not move out. Then he tells me he is moving out by the end of November and he went to see a divorce lawyer.

During all of this time we have had our good times and bad. I feel like I am doing all of the trying. He says he cannot try, he does not have any love for me left. How do you just stop loving somebody after 8 great years?

I am just so confused. He is never consistent with his feelings. He is attentive, caring and loving one minute and ignores me for days the next. It seems we always have good days from Thursday to Sunday and then when Monday rolls around he distances himself from me. Thanksgiving is a great example. He decided to stay home for thanksgiving instead of going to his parents. He knows my whole family knows our situation. I told him that he didn't need to put an act on for my family. The entire week was wonderful, even before my family arrived. He talked about the future a little, we enjoyed each others company. On Sunday after all of our company went home, he has ignored me ever since.

I feel that when he wants me to be there for him, emotionally, physically, etc, I am there. When I need him, I am out of luck. I just want to say, " I really could use a hug right now." I am just so afraid of being rejected. I don't want to put myself out there and then be disappointed. He is doing a lot of taking and no giving.

I don't know what to read of his actions. I have been patient, I have not asked a lot of questions as of late. I don't nag, or constantly bring up the past. I have been supportive. I pretty much feel I do whatever I feel he wants me to do for him. When he is in the giving mood, he is wonderful, but they are so few and far between. I truly feel like I am on a emotional roller coaster. There are so many ups and downs. It gets very depressing. I do a lot of crying. The uncertainty of where my future is going is more than I can bare at times.

I know that my marriage is worth saving. He says it is not. If that is the case then why haven't I been served with divorce papers? Why hasn't he moved out? Why did he stay for Thanksgiving? Why does he care what people think, if he is not going to be around? I am sure money has to do with some of it, but if I make him so unhappy and make his life so miserable, he has places he could go for no money until he figured something out. I have so many unanswered questions. I am so afraid to ask him, because I guess I am afraid of the answers.

Everyone that had responded to my other posts or other posts I have read say that the articles say that one person can save a marriage. I believe that is true, but I have yet to see any articles or anyone else say that this has truly worked. If anyone knows where I can acess this information, please let me know. I am anxious to read it. I know that I can make this work. Deep down, I think he may be just too scared to realize it himself.

I am sorry for being so long winded, I just felt I needed to try and explain it all. I really could use everyone's help and advice. I don't know <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> where to turn from here. Thanks.

I COULD USE SOME ADVICE FROM SOMEONE. I REALLY NEED SOME HELP. MY HUSBAND TOLD ME LAST NIGHT THAT HE IS LEAVING THIS FRIDAY. EXACTLY 11 DAYS BEFORE CHRISTMAS.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO. I AM NOT GOOD AT BEING ALONE AND ESPECIALLY NOW AT CHRISTMAS TIME.

I DON'T KNOW HOW TO BE STRONG ANYMORE. I AM GOING TO COME HOME TO AN EMPTY HOUSE AT NIGHT AND GET UP TO AN EMPTY HOUSE IN THE MORNING. I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO. I AM SO SAD RIGHT NOW. I DON'T WANT HIM TO LEAVE.

PLEASE IF ANYONE HAS ANY ADVICE PLEASE HELP ME!!

Jkelly,
I am not sure that I can give you sound advice as I have not been through this situation. But I would like to suggest that you come over to the General Questions board for infidelity. There are many people there that have been exactly where you are... Here is the link:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=forum;f=37

I am thinking of you and I am so sorry for what is happening right now. Hugs to you.

Clear

jkelly -- My H moved out in January and I had the same panic about being alone, coming home to an empty house, etc. You will be ok, but I am not going to kid you and tell you that it's not hard at first. The advice I would give you that helped me get through the first few weeks was that most nights (5 out of 7) I planned things with other people or went to a movie or anything to keep my mind busy (e.g. go to the library). I also asked my therapist to prescribe very mild sleeping pills so that I could sleep. That was my biggest problem at first.

It is scary but you will be alright. I have never lived totally alone and it was definitely scary the first few nights. My WH wound up coming over the third night to check on me and did this periodically, which at first was great, but then I realized was actually hurting me/getting my hopes up and was probably being done to ease his conscience more than anything else.

You should post on GQ in infidelity as clearview suggests as there are many others that have been through this there.

I'll try and check back in a bit later after work and see how you are doing.

Hello there! I know exactly what you are going through. I am trying with my H and am getting no postive responses (or few and far between). He hasn't made a committment to me and comes and goes as he wants. Its like I need to be there for him, but is no where around for me. I believe that it is because he is in a selfish state of mind and can't get her off his mind even though he isn't allowed to see her. Its so hard, but I am concentrating on my kids and I feel better, stronger about myself. My advice is concentrate on you and be nice to him. This will only help you if it comes to ending the R so you don't become bitter (as I was starting to). Keep that in mind---not to make it easier for him, but for you in the long run. Hang in there and remember you are not alone.

Barelyholdingon

Hi Barelyholdinon,
I've been monitoring your situation, ianswered one of your previous post with my long winded story

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> I've been thinking about you because I'm in a similar situation although I'm thinking I'm seeing a light at the end of the tunnel...

First I want to tell you ask those questions, yes the answers may hurt but it is so much easier dealing with the known as oppsed to the unknown. Ask for a hug when you need one, you may be surprised.

Another suggestion I have is fill out the EN questionaire and ask him to also fill one out. My H finally filled it out the day of our last counciling session on Wednsday. We brought them to our session and had our MC look it over, she said it was very helpful because it helped her see some thing about my H that she didn't realize. My husband doesn't find me attractive anymore and there were alot of other painful insights. I cried actually sobbed. And I know it killed him to write about his EN and to see my reaction. But the next morning I felt better because I knew now and I could begin to deal with it.

I'm actually giveing my husband till after Christmas before I will ask him to leave. I want to see if starts to meet my emotional needs while I am meeting his. I'm hoping that my adding to our lovebank that he'll start to fall back in lovewith me...wish me luck <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I don't know if you realigous or not but I'm also praying to the Virgin Mary for 3 days and hopefully my request will be answered. If your interested in this I could post the short prayer I found in the paper this morning. I got a feeling of peace after I recited it. Even if I don't get my request of my marriage back I'll be able to deal with it.
I know that I'm still living in an emotional roller coaster but right now I feel a little hopeful. I'm thinking of you and hoping you will begin to feel better.

Also I just read SAA and it really helped I might ask my H to read it also.

BS (me) 41 WH 41
Married 18 years together 23
3 Kids D-15, D-12 and S-9
d-day #1 10/13/01
d-day #2 1/23/02
MC since 11/02

Thank you everyone for all of your advice. Well today is D-Day. When I get home from work this afternoon I will see if he is really going. I don't want him to go, but if he doesn't go now when I have been getting myself all mentally prepared for it, I think I might lose it.

It seems like since I have finally accepted that he is leaving, he has tried to be closer to me. I don't know what to think of that. He asked me to still have Christmas with him and his family. I am not sure about that, it will be so awkward. He also agreed to have date night 2-3 times a week. I guess that is one small victory. I just don't understand why he couldn't agree to work things out under the same roof.

Well wish me luck tonight. My first night all alone. Thanks again everyone.

What is SAA? I posted on another thread different topic. I have chosen to change my name.
Don't know if this will help doing this. The name changing that is, screen name.
A post on Living together w\o marriage,the topic created by Buttercup. I mention this for anyone reading will know my post originated from mentioned above,with a different name.
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> I read this thread and can identify with the lady on the uncertainty topic. It is excruciately unbarable..... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> What they will subject you to. They not feeling the pain of course, helps them in that department which makes it easier for them to race ahead without remorse.
I also feel the abandonment...I filled out a EN form and gave it to him twice, he still hasn't read it. Said he would in the morning. I think he may conveniently toss it with the pile of newspapers he accommulates over the past few days. To be thrown out in the trash recepticle container outside. I just copied the Love Buster's form that I now realize I am guilty of and it baffles me to read the beginning of this form that I have done probably all the busting there is to do. I truly feel that I was not doing anything wrong and still feel I may be wrong on some things however, all!!!!! When he is the one doing what he is doing against me, to hurt me. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> My story...is a Book of Chapters.
I am very very upset at the present time. I know it doesn't matter and I do feel something is about to happen as the lady who started this topic. In my case a date has been spurted out from him in the past two nights as he sits and watches tv......the date is FEB.1st, 2002. He has said this to me, when I ask he ignores me completely. Alot of things are happening between us not to my liking. Trying to reveal what is going on is something I have realized recently, that he purposely is doing this knowing that it is affecting me in a negative way. I have been reading hear on GSN postings from the beginning to present time, this is the third time I have posted. Last night and this one, and the one in the very beginning when I first came aboard and came in contact with a poster GSN and another posting to each other. Which I made a reply to them on their behavior since this was a Marriage Builder's Site. The woman, posted back to me to first read GSN's posts from beginning to end before I made a judgement. Which I did, I also have my own dilemma....so here I am.......I changed my name not from people here, from my bf's sister,family members, who I think are lurking, I did sense this a few weeks ago. And when we went to his sister's house for Thanksgiving Day Dinner, she had said a few things to me when she asked me for the first time in 9yrs to sit beside her. She made a comment to some posts that I had named to keep saved in the Favorites Folder, I feel that there is a connection to the 3wk ago incident I had experienced. They are not helping matters. I have no idea where to start at this point it is so overwhelming, I was going to initially post on another board. I feel for JKELLY, my heart is with you, I feel because you are young you have a great chance at finding someone much better to be with. Someone that will be there for you, when you actually NEED HIM.......I feel my own opinion, that a test of stand by your woman is in need for us who are faithful to give to a man before we give to them what is most important and sacret (sp) I think you know what I am referring to......it's a shame this has to happen, when this is the most we want to avoid.....I am relating to you're being alone, like one poster mentioned make sure you are with plenty of people for movies, comedies, sleepovers when you do find someone to do this for you, hang on to them, but try to circulate these people to not overtake their time that they have their stuff they need to do.....if you have friends that are willing to do this with you, get a roomate if need be, yet it is a thought to help ....... go out dancing with a bunch of ladies, or one or two.....go plan a trip if you can save for one, solo if you are strong enough and solitude will help bring you peace of mind, go to a hotel in a city nearby if a trip to a tropical island isn't yet saved for....that could be the future plans as a reward to you for being a Wonderful Women that YOU are!!!!! I feel that he will be back .....at his own pace, after he gets all that he is searching for and realizes,dating is more important to him, then making you happy, for such person, let him go and when he returns, give him a real hard time. Like I said about the test above there needs to be a form for these men to fill out that will weed the weak out from the get go......only need the strong the kind that is still standing when the storm has gone by, when you look beside you or behind you, there is where he will be that is the MAN that needs to get all your LOVE and ATTENTION........correct me if I'm wrong......

Well the weekend is over and he is still here. He did not move out. He seemed genuinely trying. I came home from work on Friday and he had cleaned the entire house. We had a pretty uneventful weekend, but it was nice.

Well it is Monday and he is back to his old self again or should I say the new self. He is being a complete jerk. I tried to give him a kiss goodbye before I went out with a friend tonight and it was like pulling teeth. He has totally ignored me since I walked in the door.

He sleeps on the couch, but when he is ready for affection he comes into bed. How is that fair? When I need affection I get denied. I feel like I am filth to him, that I am just a doormat. I don't want him to go, but I am not sure I can take being treated like dirt anymore. He may not have all the same feelings anymore, but we have been friends for so long. We have been together for almost 10 years. Doesn't that count for some respect?

Well thanks for listening. I'll keep in touch. Thanks.

Well he left last night. I think I am still in a bit of shock. I am not sure if it has hit me yet. He said he just could not be here anymore, because he is just not happy. I don't know what to do.

How do I get this to work? I am hoping that if he has a chance to see what it is like on the other side he will want to come home. I am not ready for all of this. He went home to his parents house. I am hoping that will make him miserable. He doesn't know or understand what he is losing.

I am just numb. If anyone has any suggestions of what I can do on my own to make this work and have him come back home let me know. Thanks.

I really could use some help. I am on 3 days without him at home. So far I am doing good. He has called me everyday since he left. I am sure it is out of guilt. Not that I don't want to hear from him, but I only want him to call because he wants to talk to me. It is really hard to not be angry.

I need some really good advice. I need to know what I have to do to get him to want to come home. He is coming home tonight to get more clothes. I don't want to yell, but I am kind of out of ideas. I just want him to come home. He says he doesn't know how much more he can try. The problem is in my mind he has not tried at all. The only thing he has done is stay. He thinks I am a mind reader. I told him that he did not give our marriage a fighting chance at all. We were only married 2-3 months before he started seeing the OW. He said he has given me a year of chances to make things right on my end. How could I have made them right when I didn't even know anything was wrong. It was July before I found out and it was October until he even opened up about things that were wrong. He is being so unfair.

How should I act around him. Should I let him know how much I love him and want him to come home, or should I pretend like nothing is wrong. I don't know what to do.

Well I have babbled long enough. Please I need some help.

I can't give you a magic cure, but my wife has told me she's "not happy and loves me, not in love". We've been married only a year also and its going on four months since she told me she wants out. I was a mess for two months, but then realized that I wasn't getting any response, none. So I stopped pursueing her and started working out, going out and building myself up. I'm moving out in January. It stinks and I have some bad days were I'm bearly holding it together, but I can't be a slobbering doormat, who would want to go back to that. So do yourself a big favor, get busy, get distracted, don't sit around beating yourself up over this. Get a therapist to help you think through your thoughts, get togeter with friends and family, get to the gym (get a trainer to start you off and go religiously), get out and stop giving him anything. Tell him you want him to leave because you don't want to be with someone who doesn't love you, doesn't respect you. Its hard, very very hard. But what your doing is not working. So stop it and reguardless of the outcome (and its not looking good) you'll be better equipt to get through the days and look and feel better too. Good luck.

Well I am on almost 2 weeks without him at home. I have been doing fairly well. I wish that if I would have realized months ago that I would be this ok, that I would have kicked him out. I guess everything has a learning curve.

I guess although I have been alone, he calls me everyday. I have been very strong and have not called him once in 2 weeks. That is a big accomplishment for me. I have not driven by where he is staying to make sure he is home. I don't have to, because he tells me his every move. I need to learn to be stronger though, he pretty much is still doing whatever it is he wants. He comes and goes from our house as he pleases. If he wanted to move out and be on his own, why would he keep coming back. I am letting him make all the moves which is stupid. I am not getting a say in anything. Everything has to be on his terms. If he feels like being affectionate and giving me a hug he will, but if I try, I get denied.

I wish I knew where we stand. This time apart so far has proven to be a good thing. We communicate on a much better level than we have in months. He holds all the cards though. I wish I knew how to be stronger and be tough with him. I just become "mush" when he is around.

I have really been trying to keep busy. I do have a great amount of support from friends. They all check in on me and we do things. I have some really bad emotional days though. I know it will get easier with time, but it is hard to not wish and hope that he is coming back.

Well thanks for the advice. I am looking into a gym that is just going to be opening up right near my house. It will be nice and convenient. Thanks again.

Hi sorry you are going through this, I can sure relate on the treatment. My H doesn't respect me at all. Now he hangs the phone up on me. One thing you can try is not being available everytime he calls.When you see his number don't pick up.

Whenever he stops by make sure you're looking your best be upbeat read the basic principals on this site. Get the book Surviving AN Affair(SAA)
by Steve Harley.

Peter gave you some real good advice. I had the same advice in the begining, I wasn't receptive to it. I felt I shouldn't have to play this game with my H my thinking, didn't get me anywhere.

So please if you want your H take the advice please don't do as I did, do as the rest say.
Build a better life for you don't allow yourself to be a doormat.

I've been separated off and on for 4 yrs. I've allowed myself to be a doormat. Please don't do what I did, the pleading and begging thats a turnoff.

I ran into a friend, I hadn't seen in years he's attracted to me same here, I still love my H but remember I've been going through my saga for 4 yrs. I ve been beat down emotionally and spiritually.

I've had no real support through this, phone conversation hear and there people have allowed me to vent. I'm talking about real support someone being there for you unconditionally.

The friend that's in my life we are not intimate, I still want my marriage to work inspite of all the drama, I won't allow myself to get involved.
Maybe it's fear and knowing I'm still married.

Even though my H hasn't treated me as a wife and totally disrespect me and our marriage. I don't have to stoop to my H level, and play the same game involving OP toying with there feelings my friend doesn't deserve that.

Please take the suggestions and vent here and try not to LB.

I definitely feel like a doormat right now. He was treating me real good during the Christmas week. We seemed to be communicating really well. He then tells me last night that he was just being nice. He then denies playing with my emotions.

I am trying to be so strong, but it is so difficult. I melt when he is around. He says I act like everything is ok when he comes around. How am I supposed to act. I am trying not to be emotional and beg. Last night I needed him to be with me so bad and he just walked away.

He says he is being honest with me. The only thing he says is he just does not feel that way about me anymore. He won't find out why he doesn't feel that way anymore. That is so frustrating. I cannot have closure or go on with my life not knowing why. There are too many "what ifs".

Thanks again for all of your support. It really helps. My family is here but they don't always give the best advice. I know they are just looking out for my best interests, but it helps having a different more objective opinion.

I had the most horrible weekend. I know that I can only change myself, but he is just so stubborn and I wish I could make him see what he is doing.

He just won't try to fix anything. He absolutely refuses to attend counseling. I cannot get him to even look at any of this info. That gets me so frustrated that every time we talk it ends up in an argument and then I use all the "LB's" I can think of. I cannot make myself talk. I am so discouraged. I know that if he would just agree to work on things in some manner that it could work, I am also willing to accept that it may not, but how will we ever know if he won't try. I cannot have closure to this situation or even to our marriage if it came to that if I don't have answers.

My H is only thinking DIVORCE. Why can't he see that there are other options and we need to explore them before we can enter that word into conversation. He says I am not being fair to him because I say I won't give him a divorce. I cannot even think about that until I have concrete answers to back up how he is feeling and that we explore options on how to fix the things that are wrong.

I know that I need to act upbeat around him and be strong, it is so hard when I am so frustrated. Does anyone have any advice on how I can try and help him understand that counseling is not the anti-christ. He said counseling is not for everyone and he just will not go.

I need some advice before I just give up. Thanks.

Well things have really not gotten any better. We spent a nice time together for New Year's. I should know better than to believe anything he says. He spent the night, I did not ask. We spent 36 consecutive hours together. That is the longest in a long time.

Last night we went out to dinner, he would not let me make him dinner, and then after dinner he would not come back to our house and watch tv. So I said to him, is this how it is going to be, you are not going to come over and see me anymore. He said yes. So now I am not sure if I am ever going to see him anymore.

He said the only reason he has not filed for divorce is because he doesn't have the money. Isn't that just wonderful of him. He thinks that it will all be over in a matter of weeks. Boy is he mistaken. I don't want to be spiteful, especially because I know that given the right counseling or mediation we could really work this out. I am not going to let him have his way. I am not going to roll over and play dead anymore. He wants to sell the house, I am staying put. He is going to pay half of everything until a judge or a lawyer tells me otherwise.

This is not the way it is supposed to go. What went wrong. The thing that gets me is just after he is not going to come to the house anymore, he drives us here and he plops himself on the couch and starts watching football. Then he falls asleep. I went to bed. I wake up at 1am to him telling me he is leaving. That is great and all, but I picked him up so now I have to get out of bed and take him home. We had a snow storm here yesterday and the roads were bad, and I had to go out in it to drive him to his parent's house. Then he calls me later to make sure I got home ok. He says he is not playing with my head. If that is not playing with my head, I would love to know what it is.

He gives me so many mixed emotions. I truly don't think he know what he wants. Especially considering he cannot even tell me why he wants a divorce, or even what he wants out of life.

If anyone has any advice, I really could use it. Thanks.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> You sound like me, I had to check to see if I posted these. For this is what I am going through. We are still living in the same apt.together. But he ignores me to the max.
It is frustrating. As you say. I am so angry about all this junk. He wants me to leave, that is all he says to me unless he says nothing. He too goes out he is older than me. Still this is not right. He shows no respect for me at all. He mentioned Feb 1, 2003......he won't tell me what this means. He calls his sister and visits his mother every week.....he sits there and watches tv. coma toast it is sickening.....

I made us an appt. for counseling next Monday. I wish they had something available sooner, but that is all they had. I want to start ASAP.

I want counseling to be a positive step, but I know he is just appeasing me. I want him to have a good attitude about it.

We had a long horrible discussion Saturday night, and I found out after all this time he has still been lying to me. He has been still talking to the OW. He says he still has feelings for her and he is sure he won't ever have those feelings for me again. That is a hard blow to take. How did he expect things to work if he still has her on the brain. I just can't seem to get through to him.

How does someone after ten years write you out of their life like we never had anything. Today has just been an awful day. I am trying to get through it. I am very emotional. My problem is, I don't have too many friends or family available to pass the time, so I end up staying in the house and these walls are closing in on me. I try to stay as busy as possible, but I can never find enough things to fill the space.

Work is a god send. I don't know what I would do if I did not work. I find myself looking forward to going to bed just so I don't have to be awake anymore and then so I can go to work and pass the time doing things. Coming home is the hard part.

Well today we went to marriage counseling. In my opinion it went horrible, and he thought it went great. Basically she told me that he does not want to work things out and I should get over it and move on with my life. That is just great. I finally get him to go and she doesn't give us anything constructive at all.

He is now over joyed and of course won't work on it. Now he feels empowered to try to blame all he has done on me. I changed, I treated him badly. I was so afraid this was going to happen. Maybe I am in denial. I know it can work. He just has to be open-minded. Now I will never get the chance.

I just cannot pick up and move on. I cannot accept that this is over. When does it matter what I want. Once again I feel like he has all the power and I am left here hopeless. I do not want my marriage to be over. Does it have to be over? Do I just give up because he says so? What about what I want?

I just always felt if I worked hard enough at it, it would work. I guess that is not the case. I guess it is gonna have to be over, because he obviously is not willing to work on something that has and did have the potential of being something great.