I read your most recent post and I cried the whole time... this is my future... I am going through this now.. My H can not seem to leave his OW alone... and constantly blames it on the OC. He just wants a relationship with OC and doesnt know how to handle it. I have only been going through this since Feb. She had the baby in May. But god I can see all this coming. You have been like my crystal ball. My H does everything, says everything, just as your does. His OW is 19 which makes it so much harder because of the lack of maturity. I try to defend him and take up for him and stand by him.... but I know my life is going to go just as yours has... its already started doing that.. My H has waffled back and forth between her and me since I found out... remaining mostly with me but seeing her behind my back. And everytime I found out he talked me outta of leaving by saying that he just wants to be apart of the babys life. he doesnt know how he is supposed to act. I told him get a freakin lawyer. Its only been 2 months since he hasnt seen the child. OW still calls him almost every day except here recently, she hasnt called him in a week... so he tells me yesterday he wants to call her and check on OC. I said HELL NO... you only want to call her because you havent heard from her in a week. What do you miss the sound of her voice? You were never worried about checking on the baby when she WAS calling you.... Now all of a sudden you NEED to call her... F THAT!!!<P>It seems you and I have a lot in common.... <P>I wish sometimes I just had the strength to leave him. It would be soooo much easier.

Littlebird, I hope you don't mind me bogarting on your post.<P>This whole thing is fresh to you. As is to me. I found out about my H affair just in June. Baby is due in February. I hope I can provide some support to you. I want to say that it was a big step for your H to take when he admitted to you that he wanted to call and check on OC. While I KNOW the pain you feel when you hear these words it's very important how you react to them. If you react with anger and contempt it may cause your H to lie the next time and do it without telling you. Try to make it easy for your H to be honest with you. Otherwise the lines of communication with get crossed and the lying will continue. If your H intends to be in the OC life then you each need to find a way for it to work. Maybe you need to be the point of contact.<P>While it is still early in Discovery for you I hope you don't stick around if your H doesn't intend to fully incorporate you into his relationship with this child. It's the only way your marriage can survive. And I'd hate to see you down the road in the same situation. I understand there is a period of adjustment however you deserve the room to adjust yourself. And part of that is seeing your H doing whatever is necessary to make sure your well being is protected.<P>I'm thinking of you and hope you keep your strength. Take Care. <P>------------------<BR>Lost Soulmate<P>"Character is doing what's right, when no one is looking"

I dont mind at all... I need all the advice and insight I can get. I myself dont know how I am supposed to "act" I dont know what is supposed to be "OK". I have gone through periods of saying... ok... I will be logical, call OW and set up a time to meet her so you can see the baby. <P>Then as that day approaches, I go completley crazy and I cant handle it and I tell him forget it. I'm sure that if I wanted to I could go with him... yet I get the feeling he is VERY uncomfterable with this option. Which in turn makes me think that he is uncomfterable because he doesnt want her to think he loves me he doesnt want me to know he still loves her.. My whole mind is a mess. <P>For instance, as a comprise to the phone call situation, I said fine, call her when you get home tonight so that I can hear what you say to her. He said what differnece does it make where I call her from, I said because it will make me feel better. Well, then all of a sudden he changed his mind about calling her. HE just didnt want to call her in front of me and couldnt think of a plausible excuse not to!!!<P>Thats why I say I am heading for DD situation. He has only just the past two months been with only me... the only reason I know this for sure is because I had the OW convinced we were friends and she told me he hadnt been calling her... (THAT IS A LONG STORY) So thats the only reason I believe him about that. But From Jan until July he was with me but seeing her behind my back. All because of the baby.... <BR>I just dont know what to do anymore

I'm sorry you are lost. I'm not quite lost at this point but in limbo. I haven't really chosen a road yet because I don't know how I'll feel about this child or if my H will handle the situation properly and with my and my daughter's well being in mind.<P>In any event it's hard to say what is right and wrong in these situations. And it's hard not to react emotionally since you are so deeply wounded. Maybe it would be good for you to meet the baby. Any chance in your H and you going to pick it up and taking it home for a couple hours? This OW should not be in the picture what so ever. If you are still doubting your husbands committment to you then maybe you should deal with that issue before taking on the OC one.<P>Yes this all seems so ridiculous that we even consider this. The amount of pain involved and the toll it takes on our emotional state of minds is unsurmountable. Sometimes I just wish my feelings for my H would just die so I didn't care about any of this. Other times I know that would be taking the easy route. To wait until that happens. But we have to be stronger and the bigger person. Draw your line. If he crosses it ask him to leave. It never means it's entirely over. It just means you're going to live your life for you and not for him. And that he will need to adjust and accommodate you if he wants to remain married to you. And sometimes you just need some time and space to get your self worth and dignity back.<P>It sounds as though your H is trying but also in the easiest way possible. Yes he should have called her in your presence and should have been happy to. There should be no secrets if there is nothing to hide. You are strong enough to handle the truth. It's the untruth that's destroying what you have to give.<P>Are you two working on the marriage? Can you honestly say he's ready to become fully transparent to you? Have you ever asked him to leave? I feel you are very angry still but trying to work with your H. Give him some time to figure out what role he is going to play in this baby's life. Don't allow him to hide it from you but he may very well need you now. To help him figure out how to be involved in the baby's life while holding onto his marriage. It will then be your's to decide whether it's something you are willing to accept. The baby and being in it's life. Don't make any sacrifices if it means you'll be living unhappily. Put yourself first here. You had no choice in this and it's time you are the selfish one. Make sure you always take care of you first. How are you doing daily? Anxiety attacks? I have them often. And each time ask myself why. I have yet to have a breakdown of pain and crying. Although I fight that off almost every day at work. They seem to hit me at work only. Ironic. Well I hope I've helped a little. I feel the tears coming now so I'm signing off. Let me know if there's anything I can do or say. I'm here. Take Care. <P>------------------<BR>Lost Soulmate<P>"Character is doing what's right, when no one is looking"

Soulmate, I hate met the OC, held the OC... he is a beautiful little boy and resembles my oldest son. Its not the baby I have a problem with at all. Its my H being around her, talking to her, calling her, seeing her. This baby is going to be apart of his life for the next 18 years at LEAST. Which means so will she. She herself told me she is very much in love with my H and wants to be a family with him. <P>She wont let my H see the baby at all unless she is there, at her house. But the biggest point is she is using the child to get to my H any way she can.. She will call him at work just to tell him over and over again that he is not ever going to see his son, that she sees how much his son means to him. She guilt trips him something horrible.<BR>He does want to see the baby, just not under her conditions.<P>When she calls they get into huge fights and then she cries and he feels bad. (She is 19 dont forget)<P>I think she does this because he hasnt been calling her and fighting with him is better then not talking to him at all... you know that negative reinforcement stuff... or whatever it is.<P>But she has a strong hold over him with this baby. She knows she has it. I know she has it. He is trying hard to do things my way but I know the guilt is killing him. And I can feel him "sneaking" to see the baby just to avoid fights with me, and to avoid fighting with her over whether he can or not.<BR>Do you see my point. <P>My life is a no win situation.<P>

Littelbird,<BR>As you know the ow in our situation is thousands of miles away so I did not worry about a physical relationship returning, however I went though a lot of this in the beginning.<BR>My H was in AZ when he had this affair (he is army) and I was in TX. I found out about hte affair and pregnacy when he was still there. He was with her again after that. Of course I didnt know that until almost a yr later. He went with her to an ultrasound his last week there. I was so pissed when I found that out...I mean come on!!! Puke!!<BR>I picked him up in AZ and we had about a month in between leaving AZ and coming to GA. We visited family in TX during that month. Ow mailed a letter to his moms and sent him jokes and crap off the internet and signed the thing MISS YOU, OW and OW child (she had a child already). He could not understand why I was so mad..it was just some jokes and they were going to remaine friends.<BR>We finally got to GA and as far as I knew he had no contact with her. Oc was not born yet so I saw no reason the talk to the hussy. I was going to school once a week and after a while I noticed he always called her when I was gone. I could not understand that.<BR>He claims it was bc he didnt want to upset me but what he didnt understand was that hiding was exactly the thing that was upsetting me. I still dont totally believe that he just didnt want to upset me bc some of the calls where hours long. Im sure Ill never know the truth with that. Then she got to where she was calling every other day. JUST TO FIGHT. She could not get any good attention out of him so she was trying to get any attention. She even tried tellling him the baby was hurt. I was starting to think she was hurting her own child just to be able to talk to him. I still wonder.<BR>Him and I were starting to do better finally and she couldnt handle that. (she even sent him and MY daughter Christmas presents in the mail!) That is when she decided to tell me "her side" of the story. That was her last attempt to break us up and get him back. It backfired on her. My H changed our # to a private one. That is when she tried to take us to court.<BR>I suggest you mediate EVERYTHING. Not only will you then know what is going on but it hands the control back over to you. Phone calls only when you are around, he only sees the baby if you go with him, etc. If he wants to work this out with you he will do it. If she doesnt agree well then see ya in court! Take back your life Littlebird!<BR>God Bless...<P>We are women...hear us Roar!

Littlebird: I believe my OW is also using this baby as a way to continue communication and using or will use guilt to get my H to be with her.<P>She claims to be receiving anonymous e-mails and phone calls calling her a homewrecker,etc. She sent an e-mail to my H saying she knows it's me and her and the baby don't need this. Puke! I no longer believe this is happening. I think she's making it up one to re-establish contact with my H and two to make him feel sorry for her and "the baby" and three to try to put a wedge between us (having my H doubt I'm not doing this).<P>In any event I've already seen some e-mails where she's tried to use the baby to make him feel guilty. And I won't have that. The guilt should lie with the OW. She solely made the decision to have this baby knowing the father could not be there for it 100%. Your H didn't have a choice in that respect. Why should he feel guilty? Only problem is he won't be able to explain this to the child until it's older. Still not his problem. This OW is the mother. She's going to use it. And someday the OC will realize that and view it's mother in a differnt light. If not. That's life. It's not within your H power to do anything. If he wants to be part of it's life and she's saying not unless I'm there, then take her to court. Don't give her that power. If your H won't do it then you do it for him. It's the only way. Don't give her ANY power. You can do it. You are the bigger person. You are stronger than she. Take it from her. I have faith in you.<P>------------------<BR>Lost Soulmate<P>"Character is doing what's right, when no one is looking"<p>[This message has been edited by lostsoulmate (edited September 11, 2000).]

Hi there - I'm so very very sorry for where you are and I'm sorry that I'm your crystal ball - but I don't have to be. Handle yourself differently than I did - I'm not blaming myself - but I know that my gut reaction - which is always an emotional outburst is the first thing I come off with - I don't think before I speak - there at first - my H wasn't playing fair with me - he told me OW was pregnant and then promised no contact - but then said he was going to have contact so that she would either abort or put the baby up for adoption - (the best thing for the child) but then when that didn't work (probably just a ploy to talk to her) then because of adamant stance on No Contact - he did what I always feared - he would contact her anyway (he felt guilty for putting her in this position and felt he owed her something) and just keep it from me - therefore - he wouldn't have to get the wrath from me and he could appease himself with knowing that he didn't just dump her. So in hindsight I'm a little more understanding of where he was coming from - however, at the time, I was too hurt and too emotional to see that. Yeah my OW was 19 at the time - and her immaturity and her desperately wanting my H because she'd never really had a boyfriend - only made plays on her friend's boyfriends. Anyway - what I'm saying is that - after she had the baby, my H went through a period of time that he was really concentrating on me and our life - but I was too hearbroken over his lies of not seeing her and my detective work trying to find out if he was to even give him a chance. I have a lot of my mother's "traits" that I wish I could overcome - that is wanting someone to tell you the truth and then "blasting them when they do." My H said he didn't know which was the worse of the 2 evils - lie to me and hope I didn't find out - or tell me and have me freak out and throw stuff and scream and curse - so in hindsight I see a lot of the things I did wrong. (by the way I'm not excusing his behavior (for lying) but I surely did not handle it the best way either).<P>I think like LSM mentioned to you - the way you "react" - it doesn't matter how you feel - come here and cuss and scream and vent - but to him (if you can) act as if you have only concern. It's the hardest thing in the world to do and I wasn't strong enough to see that it probably would have made a huge difference. I definately pushed him away when he was ready and willing to concentrate on us. Please contact me anytime - I'll be happy to try to coach you and help you with the areas where I didn't make the best decisions. I still love my H and I really want our marriage to work - however, I think too much hurt has happened - I don't know - I'm always unsure of everything anymore. Let me know if you want to e-mail directly. I'm praying for you and your family and especially your H in hopes that he will be strong enough to get an attorney and set guidelines in writing backed up by your State Law that will allow visitation, child support, etc. and therefore he won't have to "call her".<P>------------------<BR>