<BR> Hi guys,<P> My hiatus was ended abruptly by an unlikely ally, my MOTHER IN LAW( Gasp!!). My wife confided that she was allowing frequent conact between Angel and OM. My MIL blurted that she thought my wife was the problem, and demanded to know if she is still cheating on me. My wife was PI**ED!!<BR> <BR> I need some expert opinions, so I came here. How do I handle this? I can't side with my moter in law!?<P> God bless you, <P>------------------<BR><P>Gregg

Gregg,<P>Sure you can. You just shouldn't do it in an LB way. Actually, don't take sides at all. Your W is p----ed at her mother. So what is new, she is feeling guilty and anyone that bothers her world right now will pay. <P>Everyone knows you MIL is right, so does you W. You don't have to say a thing really. Just sorry you are so angry Dear.<P>It has happened many times on this site, that some outside event begins the turn around. You just never know what it is.<P>I suspose that your MIL knows all of the details. I'm guessing that she isn't too thrilled with her D.<P>I would let it ride, stay out of the line of fire, and when you get a chance to be alone with MIL, thank her.<P>God Bless,<P>JL<BR>

Thanks, JL,<P> So far,I've just listened to my wife, trying to support her, (kind of wierd, saying " Yes, I know I started all this. I took you for granted, I neglected you, I made you feel like you didn't come first.) <P> But is there ever a time when WS realise that they are responsible for their actions<P> God bless you, <P>------------------<BR><P>Gregg

Lynton, probably the best thing you can do is not deal with what was said between wife & MIL. Instead, talk to your wife about how she is feeling about this. Obviously she feels betrayed or angry at her nother. Try to just be supportive in that manner. Stay out of who is right or wrong. Deal with it as if your MIL had said "gee I just hate your new haircut" to your W. Stay out of what was said & focus on her feelings & how she is processing this information. You really do not even need to assume blame. Remember, you cannot fix this (by assuming blame). So trying to just isn't productive & your W won't appreciate it anyway. What she will appreciate (hopefully) i someone who listens to her & hears out how this makes her feel. Hey! Here is an idea. Pretend you are the OM. If she came to you with this, how would you handle it? Most likely he just sits & listens & let's her talk & asks about her feelings. Try it. <P>The only way WS will ever start to realize they are responsible for their actions is when they sit down & think about all this for themselves. There is no one in the world who can point this out to them. All you get from that effort is anger. Just like dealing with a child. Children always come back with "it wasn't my fault". If your W can keep processing about her actions & thoughts (and not focus on you & what you have done wrong) then she may eventually take some responsibilty. But it is her path to take. You know her best. How does she deal with responsibility for other issues? That should give you a clue on when she will own up to this.<P>My H is not a person to ever admit flaws or imperfections. His way of thinking is the right way (in his mind). That has really made our recovery longer & drawn out. Introspection is not something he does.<P>Take care... Carolyn <BR>

I'm sorry that I don't have any more insight as to your W realizing that she is the one at fault, and taking responsability for her actions. I'm still dealing with my guilt, and at times, especially lately, now that the baby is really making herself known with moving around, I get to a breaking point. Yes, there are times when I still feel like it is my H fault, due to his A's. But, we are both working on this together, and that can make all the difference. At those times, when I do blame him, he does what you do. Just listens. It helps a lot!! The only time he answers me is when I ask him a direct question, otherwise, he just sits there, and cries with me, or listens to me rant and rave. After I'm through, we both feel a lot better. I will keep you in my prayers. Just keep up the listening, and the Plan A. Hopefully, she will see how lucky she is to have you in her life, and how much you love her. I think that's the hardest thing for me at times, is "Why does he still love me, now that I am getting bigger, and we both have this visual reminder of what I have done?" Then I remember what I have read here, and heard my H say over and over, "God will not give you any more than you can handle!" Of course, we can only handle it with His help. <BR>I hope I was of some help, coming from the WS side. Like it's been said before, it's not exactlly the same situation, but there are enough similarities that I hope I was of some help.<P>Tigger

Carolyn, <P> Thank you, excellent advice, as usual. Your husband sounds a little like my father. He is never wrong, his opinion is right, and anyone who disagrees is an idiot. I think the reason he is that way is because he has a weak self-image and a fragile ego. Trying to find some common ground with that kind of person is so very hard. You are in my prayers.<P><BR> <BR> Tigger,<P> Thank you. When my wife was pregnant with Angel, I thought she was the most beautiful woman in the world. I'll bet your husband feels the same way about you!<P> God bess you both,<P>------------------<BR><P>Gregg

Lynton,<P>I have read many of your posts and have never responded because you always get the best advise before I get there And guess what...this time is not different! But I just wanted to say that I have always had so much respect and admiration for you. I remember when I first read your post and read that instead of referring to OC as "other child", you call her "Angel". I was touched and very moved by your love that you have for this child and obviously for your wife, especially under such hurtful circumstances. Once again, you've already received so much good advise that to offer any would only be repetitive. Instead, I will wish for you continued strength and God's guidance as you work through this situation. How very lucky Angel is to have you to love her so much! God bless you and your family and Happy Thanksgiving.<P>------------------<BR>Remember the sunshine when the storm seems unending...

Comfort,<P> I don't know what to say***********<BR>Thank you, thank you very much.<P> God bless you,<P>------------------<BR><P>Gregg

Gregg, Gregg, Gregg...<P>Ah yes, a conumdrum for sure. And what a strange ally you have! Just remember while you're drifting around in the ocean on your raft don't let your arms and legs dangle over the side.<P>As long as you and your MIL refrain from Good Cop-Bad Cop, your Wife will relax and not feel picked on. However, she should agree to and incorporate the Policy of Joint Agreement into your lives. To take Angel to see OM who probably wishes she wouldn't, is destructive and confusing for everyone. <P>I guess I would tell Wife that by all intents and purposes, YOU are Angel's Dad. You will be the one who will love her, raise her, support her and be there for her 24/7 and provide a stable, loving home environment and care for her spiritually, emotionally, physically and on every level and some consideration for your feelings are in order. Ask her to enter into a POJA and out of respect, to discuss with you visitation issues with the OM beforehand.<P>I know at this stage in your relationship she may just tell you to pi** up a rope and do as she pleases, however, with your consistent Plan A she may come out of the fog sooner than later and be willing to incorporate the Harley Principles into your marriage when she realizes the only man who will love and commit to her and Angel and provide a family is YOU.<P>Anything with OM is a dead end street, Gregg. Your Wife will come to see this. OM will probably loose interest soon and feel this situation is too problematic for his taste and make the decision for her by dropping out of sight. We can only hope.<P>Catnip =^^= <P><p>[This message has been edited by catnip (edited November 19, 2000).]

Dear, dear Catnip,<P> I know, now, for sure, that my wife still loves OM. When they are together, I can only imagine what happens. <BR> I am almost out of gas. I have given everything I have to give, nothing left but my love for my wife and girls.<P> It is so hard pretending I don't know the way things really are.<P> God bles you all, <P>------------------<BR><P>Gregg

Perhaps it is time to implement Plan B, Gregg. Better yet, counsel with K about this, his advice is the best.<P>I am so sorry, Gregg. God bless.<P>Catnip =^^=

Gregg,<BR> I feel for you. I really do. After your reply to my thread, I just wanted to kinda get in touch with what your own situation was. I am so sorry that this is happening to you. But they do wise up. I am in an egroup, and one of the members has the same situation. His W finally wised up, but it was pretty much too little too late for him. He has moved on with his own life now. But they do wise up. It just may not be soon enough to save your marriage. Sorry.<BR>Wish I could give you more hopeful news.<BR>Ktgirl

Dear Ktgirl,<P> Thank you,<BR> I hope you are right, I just hope it won't be two or three years, or longer. But you know what? I would probably wait! Am I pathetic, or what?!<P> God bless you,(and bikes)<P>------------------<BR><P>Gregg

Lynton.<P>I dont have much advice to offer, because everyone else has said it all..you know, been there done that, but a word to the wise..STAY AWAY from the subject with MIL, she may be in total disgust with her D and what she has and continues to do with her life (make a complete mess of it) but she is still her D no matter what...dont thank her, dont even bring it up..that will only cause resentment from mil towards you...speaking from experience...if you talk to her, let her bring it up..try and keep as much peace and as little conflict as possible. I will keep you n my prayers...<P>aloneandsad (missy)

Lynton,<P>You have been getting such great advice and support that I have not felt that I could add anything. But your last post made me sit up and take notice.<P>Are you pathetic, you asked? Absolutely not. You are my idolmy dear -- a husband who loves his wife with all of his heart and who obviously knows the true meaning of wedding vows. We all said the same words -- for better or for worse -- some of us just meant them more than others or understood them better.<P>I also pray that your W will "get smart" before she destroys the love that you have for her. We are all on your side, Gregg, and I hope we are giving you the strength you need to keep fighting.<P>I would like to echo what aloneandsad said - stay away from "bad mouthing" your W to your mil -- it is amazing how fast the worm turns in such situations. Your W is still her d and while it is acceptable for a mother to criticize her child -- no one else better do it!<P>Wishing you much patience and blessings,<BR>- Heavenly

Aloneandsad,<P> Excellent advice, thank you. I have only defended my wife, even to her own parents.<P> Heavenly,<P> Oh great, I'm your idol!!! Now the pressure's really on!!! <BR> Just kidding, of course. Kind words such as yours help more than you'll ever know. You made my day!<P> God bless you both, <P>------------------<BR><P>Gregg